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Click the above link to follow. This is now mostly archive. Still repetitive and somewhat divisive.

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Want to grab the Cyber Monday bargains, but don’t want the neighbours to know you use Amazon? You need Amaz-Gone TM!  

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Big new competition for the Libertines’ Albion Rooms in Margate.

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Workshop time!

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Finally! No need to trawl through Margz Salads, Margz Creatives or (perish the thought) New Thanet Chat to find a decent builder. You're welcome.

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Great news for Margate, as the vaccine is rolled out! Book now!

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President Elect Biden sends his thanks to Margz and announces his intention to visit in 2021. #dailymargz #margz #margate #BIDENWINS #BidenHarris2020

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PLEASE, give what you can. #DailyMargzWinterAppeal #DailyMargz #Margz #margate #notasfunnyasitusedtobe

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Now not available on Instagram

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Daily Margz written by monkey with typewriter

Occasionally funny yet ultimately mean-spirited, spiteful and divisive Margz-centric blog The Daily Margz is actually written by a Cliftonville-based primate with a vintage Olivetti typewriter, The Daily Margz has learned. The poor imitation of The Daily Mash was widely thought to be the work of a disgruntled Margate local. But the hyperlocal blog, which isn’t quite as good as it used to be and which many people are so over, is actually nothing more than the random keyboard punches of a cellar-dwelling chimpanzee. “It all started when I came across an old typewriter in my new flat sometime last year,” the chimp told The Daily Margz. “I’d just sold my one-bed cage in Regents Park and relocated to a fixer-upper below a closed-down stationery shop on Northdown Road, which I think must’ve been some kind of store room for clapped-out printing equipment. I’ve been bashing things out ever since.” But life hasn’t just been about The Daily Margz for the content-churning chimpanzee. “As well as The Daily Margz I’ve managed to replicate the complete works of William Shakespeare – yeah, a bit of a cliché, I know – plus several pieces on Margate for national newspapers, glossy mags and lifestyle blogs. “I’ve also written a controversial academic paper on arts-led regeneration in Cliftonville West, and a regular column on reclaimed radiators for the crowdfunded Northdown Road Community News. Oh, and I’ve managed to knock out the Isle of Thanet Gazette every Friday and keep an eye on its Facebook page too.”

Now that his cover has been blown, the monkey plans to integrate into Margate society by opening a champagne and oyster bar called Planet of the Grapes as soon as he’s found a location wildly inappropriate enough.

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Star writer leaves The Daily Margz

The Daily Margz has been thrown into crisis by the departure of star writer and Margz expert Orotund Mountebank, who joined our staff yesterday after moving to Godwin Road on Tuesday. Mountebank was excited to join Margate’s top title at the peak of its popularity, but we had become dated and unhip by Wednesday lunchtime. He departed late that afternoon, following an argument as to whether turn-ups were invented in the Old Town or Cliftonville.

“The Daily Margz was cool, vital and funny,” said conceptual atomic scientist/model Mountebank, when The Daily Margz handed over his P45 at new Northdown Road cobnut vodka bar Sock Monkey Nostalgia Pangs. “It was great hearing all the feedback from readers, such as ‘that one was about me, wasn’t it?’ and ‘I’d love to unlike their page, but I’m waiting to see if they write about that guy who runs that shop.’ But for every piece of praise about it being repetitive and divisive there was someone saying it wasn’t as funny as it was last week and how Margate had peaked.”

Not wanting to hang around for The Daily Margz’s inevitable decline, Mountebank opted out and abandoned his vision for replacing the daily newsfeed with an hourly piece of Noh theatre in Dane Park. Apparently the final straw was finding out that the Nayland Rock Hotel had been purchased by Nandos and will not be selling vinyls. In-room streaming media will be selected by a music butler.

“I am off to write my novel Hipster about my extensive experiences,” said Mountebank. “I’ve done 100 words so far and Warp have optioned the film rights. It’s All The President’s Men meets Blow Up, with a soupçon of Gary Oldman in The Firm. Obviously that has allowed me to sell up the Godwin Road pad at a nice £100k profit and buy something decent in Canterbury that doesn’t stink like a mermaid’s snatch. I’ve had an avocado bathroom suite made from real avocados. I’ve spent the rest on setting up a Subway franchise in Athelstan Road.”

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Locals to be Relocated to Manston Reservation

Locals from Margate Central and Cliftonville West are to be transported to a reservation on the former Manston airport site, The Daily Margz has learnt. Over the next two months, the newly-formed East Kent Company will organise the removal of all indigenous peoples to a new, more appropriate, homeland.

The East Kent Company was established by Margate creatives as a means of improving the trade of shops, galleries, restaurants and other cutting-edge startups as well as attracting the right kind of people to the area.

“We realised a more sophisticated final solution was needed,” Louis Mountbatten, CEO of the East Kent Co., told the DM. “To deal with the one impediment to encouraging new pioneers and cool businesses.”

Many in the creative community agree that something needed to be done about this barrier to a reimagined Margz nirvana. Archibald Wavell, artist-entrepreneur who runs the Imperialismus gallery, outlines the problem.

“We are facilitating an exciting, dynamic creative community but the locals don’t seem to be on message with our project. They live in these beautiful Victorian and Edwardian properties but they just don’t appreciate them. Their taste in interior design is quite dreadful and they ignore all our wonderful interventions. Quite frankly, they will be happier in their new reservation with its simple accommodation, cheap take aways and discount shops.”

Wavell claims that every attempt to engage the locals with his CIC gallery was an abject failure including the recent artisanal foie gras pop up.

According to Mountbatten, the whole relocation will be a simple and painless process.  

“They will be removed from their houses on a street by street basis. This cleansing process will be quick and efficient taking place at night to avoid too much of a disturbance. Their vacated houses will be ready the next day for our settlers to occupy and restore.”  

The reservation will be completely self-contained with a single guarded entrance on Manston Road where residents with permits will be allowed out on day release to do their unskilled manual jobs.

Some creatives, however, do have ‘reservations’. Victor Hop who runs hip new Margz joint La Boîte Fermée does not want this ending up being an isolated ghetto.

“These indigenous folk are often charming if simple, illiterate and uncultured. However, this should not stop us helping them to better themselves by educating them in art and design. We could set up galleries for them on the reservation to sell their handicrafts. The reservation could then be on the itinerary of these Margz art tours. I know this is controversial, but eventually, once we have civilised them, I sincerely believe some of them could even move back to Margz-Cliffz.”

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#GateGate scandal as Margz creative shops at B&Q

Unrest has torn through Margate’s creative community this week, as it emerged an artist has been accused of purchasing a new front gate for his Victorian former-boarding house at a local big box DIY chain, rather than an artisan ironworks. Already dubbed #GateGate on social media, the incident has sparked a raft of finger pointing, accusation and counter-accusation. “I was livecasting a shopping trip to Addington Street in Ramsz on Periscope and Facebook, but my ironic vintage Escort XR3 got a puncture, so I had to stop off by the Westwood Cross B&Q and wait for the AA,” said Spirograph installation artist Ian Heritance, who lives in Athelstan Road. “I was sitting down in the car park filming my thoughts on Brexit, Chomsky and focaccia and there was a trolley behind me with a gate and some magnolia paint in. But it was not mine.”

Heritance’s accuser is local architect, puppet-maker and conservation area expert Farrowball Tester-Pot, who is adamant that a counter-gentrification crime has been committed.

“Heritance may have painted the cheap gate in Regeneration Grey gloss, but that does not hide that this is a cheap gate, probably mass-produced by poor people in Northampton,” said Tester-Pot. “He should have sourced an original at a salvage yard or sought out a local blacksmith. Anyway, I have some footage of him painting the gate using a non-sable brush that I am going to release on Twitter at midday. He’ll get a right hashtagging.”

Heritance is insistent he is not holding back property prices and wine and cheese sales in the area, and has hit back with accusations of his own.

“If we’re getting the gloves off, then I should mention Tester-Pot didn’t seek approval for all those stud walls they put up in their unlicensed HMO, where he houses all his interns,” said Heritance. “I was clear about why I was at B&Q car park and I bought that gate off a man in a pub who said it used to belong to JMW Turner or Karl Marx or something.”

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Margate creatives divided over Artex ceiling

Cliftonville’s creative community is divided over the fate of an Artex living room ceiling, The Daily Margz has learned. The unfashionable Sweyn Road plafond is widely thought to be the last surviving example of the socially awkward decorative coating left in Margate. 

“I’m keen to get rid of the thing as soon as possible,” said parquet flooring photographer Margo Tumbler, who moved into the 10 bedroom former guesthouse last weekend. “I’m all for a bit of HMO chic, but I’m itching to stamp my mark on the place: dark blue walls, enamel lampshades, taxidermy, Danish furniture – you won’t have seen anything like it.” 

However, controversial Cliftonville-based architect Hugo Linoleum-Yeah, who spotted the ceiling while viewing the property shortly before being gazumped, is keen for the unsavoury ceiling to be granted listed status. 

“As well as providing a reminder of the toil we faced to uncover the original plaster on all of the other fixer-uppers, it’s important that we preserve examples of ceilings like this for future generations to scoff at,” he told the DM. “Besides, someone might decide that Artex is cool in a few years time. And don’t go thinking I didn’t notice that woodchip wallpaper in the second kitchen either.” 

Luckily a compromise is on the cards thanks to the local museum, where curator Dusty Oldshite is keen to take the ceiling off Tumbler’s hands. “I’m putting together a big exhibition called ‘Bad Taste Margate’,” she explained. “I’ve already got hold of a few sheets of lino from an old B&B on Gordon Road and some dado rail from Prices Avenue. A couple of Chas & Dave records and a photo of Boycie and I’ll be ready to go.”

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DFL Pride hits Margz with ‘creative lives matter’ rallying cry

The success of the growing Margate Pride event has emboldened a small group of former-Dalston residents to form the DFL Pride committee, the Daily Margz has learned. Coalescing around the Twitter hashtag #CreativeLivesMatter, the Northdown Road-based collective has called for a march of creative Down From Londoners, as well a series of curated interventions in any shops that don’t have an espresso machine or 24-7 yoga access.  

“We are the pioneers who discovered this town,” said Post-It note designer and installation artist Rosé Parks. “Some of us came as many as five-years-ago, before much of the town had electricity, plumbing or vintage workwear. Yet some of these locals still mock our hats and oversized turn-ups. It has to end and we demand our contribution is noted, which is why we are saying creative lives matter.”

Property speculator and cupcakepreneur Wyatt Prée-Vledge has also joined the campaign for creative recognition, noting a rising anti-DFL mood in parts of the town.

“Since we bought our former-B&B in January 2011, the Turner Contemporary has been built, as has Dreamland, the High Speed train line, Walpole Bay pool and Arlington House,” said Prée-Vledge. “But we are seeing an increasing level of DFL abuse. Just the other day, a local refused to throw their cape over a puddle for us as we were heading for our usual promenade around Dreamland.”

The march on the old town will kick off a weekend of events, which will include a festival that celebrates the town’s many clifftop benches through poetry, mime and the banning of street drinkers. The weekend will end with the right kind of barbecue at Walpole Bay, where lager and items from supermarkets will be confiscated.

“Everyone is welcome,” said Parks. “We’ve emailed everyone and they should all know about it now. There was also an announcement at pilates on Thursday.”

DFL Pride is sponsored by local estate agency Flip, Wooden-Blind and Rent.

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Hastings v. Margate: Punch up over Shoreditch-on-Sea Title

There were ugly scenes last night in London as creatives from Hastings and Margate battled over the name Shoreditch-on-Sea, The Daily Margz has learnt. The mass brawl broke out at Shoreditch Town Hall during a meeting to decide who would get the title.

The meeting had been organised by the Hackney Relocation Team which provides advice to Hackney creatives who wish to move out of the city in order to join a seaside creative community and replace their crappy flat for a big cheap house.

“We’ve been recommending Hastings and Margate for some time for relocation,” Team leader Crispin Trust told the DM. “We were aware that journalists and placemakers were calling both towns Shoreditch-on-Sea. We needed to decide which town merited this nomenclature and could be twinned with ours.”

A meeting was called where representatives from each creative community could make their case. However, the cases were never made.

“From the beginning the atmosphere was hostile,” Crispin, who chaired the meeting, claimed. “I tried to facilitate a civilised discussion but it was not long before the representatives started hurling abuse at each other.”

According to the Hastings contingent, it was the Margate lot who started it.

“They were chanting at us ‘The Jerwood is shit, The Turner is it’ and so we had to say something,” said Hastings cultural leader Emily Filth. “You know, to defend our town.”

They retorted with “Where’s your fucking funicular railway?”

Eyewitnesses stated that the insults got angrier, louder, and more insulting. The violence finally kicked off when a Margate man lobbed what appeared to be a bottle of seaweed-based beard oil at the Hastings representatives. This was countered with a volley of smoked fish and pebbles. The Margaters then produced bags of collected litter and from them chucked half-eaten pizza rinds. 

Soon it was paint-spattered fists and Palladium-shod feet that they were throwing at each other in horrifying scenes of violence. Twenty-two arrests were made. Those arrested will appear today before Hackney Magistrates Court.  

“What shocks me is that I knew many of these people when they lived in London,” said Crispin. “Since they’ve been living at the seaside something has changed in them. They would never have behaved like this when they were here.”

A peace delegation from Dalston has proposed that one town takes the name Dalston-sur-Mer as a compromise. However, the cultural leaders from both towns immediately rejected the idea as they did not know what ‘sur-Mer’ meant.

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Brutalist playground planned for Dane Park

A new children's play area aimed at encouraging the appreciation of brutalist architecture has been proposed for Dane Park, The Daily Margz has learned. 

ErnoWorld is the idea of local architect Grant Application-Inthepost, who hopes that familiarizing pre-schoolers with harsh grey concrete structures will prepare them for a lifetime of defending Arlington House against misguided local claims that it’s ‘fucking ugly’ and ‘should be knocked down’. 

"We've managed to secure enough money to build a breezeblock slide and a concrete roundabout through a sponsorship deal with a councillor’s cement firm," the architect told the Daily Margz. "Hopefully crowdfunding can raise additional funds to erect a barbed-wire perimeter fence and a climbing frame shaped like a tiny version of the Brunswick Centre.” 

“Education is the key,” he continued. “Arlz is rather lost on the racist taxi drivers who keep insisting it should be clad in pastel-coloured panels or knocked down to make way for a supermarket, but early intervention could help change attitudes and maintain house prices for generations to come.” 

“It’ll provide some cool new jobs for the local community too,” Application-Inthepost claims. “We’ve got this brilliant character, Trellick the Tower, who’ll be available to hire for kids’ parties, and we’re planning a pop-up Campari bar inside an old East German bus shelter to keep the mums and dads occupied while the kids play in the concrete.” 

The playground had been scheduled for a June 2017 opening, but the plans have run into opposition from some local residents on health and safety grounds. Application-Inthepost dismisses their fears that a concrete slide could shred a child’s back to ribbons as “typically backward looking and negative.”