The product of a multi-author diary

The Dairy Diary Squad here to BS

[thediaryproducts]

I sit here and stare at your "I miss you." Message. I understand it's a different kind of "I miss you." But It still makes me happy. You're enjoying yourself and that's all I want. I'm glad we can miss each other.

[thediaryproducts]

No matter how hard I try. No matter what I do.

You make it so fucking hard not to love you.

[thediaryproducts]

I stayed over last night. Something I wasn’t exactly planning. We were supposed to go out and dance our hearts out, enjoying each others company without that much direct contact.  We ate, went back to your place, and as usual I closed my eyes as you changed behind me. We both were in your bed watching something on your laptop. You were so close but still so far. Not being apologetic I started playing with your hair and you said it felt nice.  I kissed your neck on impulse and we both gasped at the same time. Then you closed your eyes and I continued playing with your hair. You let me close. My arm around you, you still felt so far. Was I being selfish again? We fell asleep together. Waking up periodically to shift weight, scooting closer, and scooting further away.  My heart was racing the whole time. But was yours? That’s what we both agreed on I suppose. Walking on eggshells isn’t much fun when I’m the only one barefoot.

[thediaryproducts]

I remember sitting in your room playing with the needles in your pincushion. I would rearrange them nice and neat. You would always ask why I did that.

I never really knew why. The cleanliness and order made me feel calm. Everytime I went back over, they were mixed once again. It wasn’t until now that I realized that’s how it was meant to be. Erratic, fickle, and having no discernible pattern. 

Life is like that. There will never be any true order. You can try to keep the order as much as you want, but that’s not how it works. Pins come and go, sticking further into the pincushion than others, but still serving their purpose along the way. 

You were the pin that got stuck. And now I finally can see after so long, that you’ve done your purpose. I’ve grown so much.

 I still can’t thank you enough.  Keep being safe. 

I hope to see you soon.

[thediaryproducts]

How does someone become a author on this blog?

Well all the authors were a group of friends who wanted to make a diary blog based on various dairy products, so there wasn't really a process. But seeing as many of them have basically left the blog, I don't see why you can't join. Though I would have to consult the others (even if they don't use the blog anymore) since after all a lot of this information is pretty personal, and I'm not sure if they'd be alright with their identities being known by someone they don't know. -whipped cream

[thediaryproducts]

This is tiring. I feel like I'm letting people down. I always feel like the damper on things. Like my feelings get in the way of myself and others. They are good enough friends to think of me in the process. To be brutally honest, that's not what I want. I want every one to live their own lives. There are ends and beginnings, and I fear that my friends have missed out due to the fact that they have to think about me first. No. Please stop that. Go live your life the way you want to. Let me learn from my damn mistakes. Let me stop caring so much. I get emotional, sure. That's even an understatement. But for the love of god don't worry about stepping on my toes. It's going to happen eventually, everyone will start realizing that they need to live for themselves. Some have already seen that. I need to stop being so clingy. Shit happens, and I've turned this corner. I'm just tired of everyone tiptoeing around me. It doesn't make my anxiety any better. Knowing that your friends have to converse before they make a decision knowing that it may or may not affect me. I'm in a better place now, so stop doing this for me. Go out and experience new things. I'm happy on the sidelines. I will proudly support anyone in their endeavors. Let me figure this out myself. I'm exhausted from being the black sheep. I don't want to be anyone's problem. I don't want to be the walking emotional mess anymore. So if I can take the time to stop this, the best anyone can do is to go do what they want to do.  All I need from time to time is the reassurance that you are still there. That's all I need right now. Make your choices, and i'll make mine. We will always be friends, if we agree to those terms.  I'm happy. This time I have to take a different approach to things. Cause it's a bit different than before. Ill try my hardest to fix my ways. Hard enough to show my friends that I'm ready for the past to sneak up on me once again. That I'm ready for nostalgia, just so I won't let it get to me. It happened. But without the past, I wouldn't be here right now. I can't thank everyone enough for what they've done for me. I can't thank her enough. I can't thank him enough. I can't thank them enough. I will never stop saying I love my friends. Cause I truly think they are the best things to happen to me.  My own sense of self worth is finally at ease. I'm worth something. I'm something to lose. I'm something to gain.  I will have those moments, but who doesn't? I'll find myself crying, but for the right reasons this time. I will cry for happiness, I will let go for joy. I will cry because I'm alive.  And I think that's a good place to be.

[thediaryproducts]

Malk #16

Dear Diary, Its calm now. Nothing is screaming at me anymore. The constant anxiety is cleansed with a sort of weird aftertaste. My pill bottle is left unopened. Reminders about how life is a kick in the teeth, but we all learn after a while. Friends and memories that only exist in an album. The seconds being counted down as the video draws near an end. The views coming to a halt. I dont necessarily need to watch them anymore. I just like keeping up with my past self. The memories of empty gas tanks, and filled hearts. Topped to the brim with laughter, love, and circle k polar pops. We make new memories to pile on top of the old. No one knows exactly what they are doing. We all just have a general direction. Changes are more apparent, but so are everyone's true selves. We all are children still. No matter what anyone says. The more we say we are different, the more we stay the same. The loss of one is the gain of many. Of course we all have our bumps. The moments where we realize that we are just kids. We put on this act and we go about our day. We do what makes us happy. Some lose what it means to care about others. We drown out that caring with our own sense of self worth. We think we are worth more than life has provided us with. So we go and switch it around. For a moment we care in our own way, and forget about what others think. Is this the best option? I wouldn't know. But for those who left, It seems to work out in the end. The album still plays on repeat. Its stuck in the player. There is no reason to take it out. The tracks holding their own stories of youth and naivety. We were so young then. But I feel even younger now. Always starring in a stanger's nightmare, Malk.

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Whipped Cream #43

Dear Diary, its been a while since I actually numbered these. I won't number the old ones. but i'll count them as if they were numbered. Leaving things a bit unfinished is something I find nostalgia in. I leave things like this to be able to look back and say I remember that. Its been a little uneasy being around here. Often with the friend i see the most, some of the things they say make me feel less confident about myself. I suppose not exactly what they say. but how they say it.  I feel like i'm failing some things that I know I could succeed in. Yet I don't. Its my own fault, but that just makes it more frustrating. Sitting among a sea of strangers. Wandering among an endless crowd. It makes me uneasy lately.  Recently I've become a bit more aware of my loneliness. I do miss the fun I have with my far-off friends. There is a strange solemn feeling i get when its late and i'm just singing along quietly to a song in the midst of a sleeping apartment complex.  "This was a perfect gift, you daftly wasted it." I like that line. I don't know why. I just do. I have so many thoughts right now. But I don't know what words they should form to be made understandable.  I'd like the answer to a question I can't word.  Sincerely, Whipped Cream

[thediaryproducts]

Changes, always so subtle. Decisions merely a ritual, a symbol. Some sort of formality. I hate it at times. I use it as a lie. Something to convince myself that I am. Changing? People are always changing. Yet they all stay the same.  Dust. I see it here. Upon countless virtual counters. Decorations. An ambitious idea doomed to encase the dark confessions of troubled minds. Though we may leave. We are always still troubled.  This is still in some ways a haven for thoughts. still in some way. necessary. 

Perhaps we grow. But not apart. maybe apart. but also, into ourselves. We realize the vastness of what we are, and it brings us farther from everything. Or we realize how small we are, and run to escape the vastness of everything.

It is sad. but not unexpected. For anything to be left.  In time perhaps, just a simple log of the rambling of two boys stuck in a dream. or one. or no-one. It is assumed that this will shrink.  Though imagine somehow growth. somehow.

Breath. a subtle choking. I'd like to exchange my breath for something else. exchange my bones, my skin. sometimes. I am proud to be me. But I am ashamed of me.  I choke on my breath as i try to scream. Not words. Just sound. possibly empty. possibly with substance. Some feelings can only be written. Others only drawn, spoken, screamed, broken, shattered, replaced, built. Others, trapped. How will they ever escape?

[thediaryproducts]

#

I'm still struggling to grasp the idea of being honest with others and to even myself.

Countless times I have lied to my mother because it was easier.  These were the type of lies that allowed me to avoid her questioning and me having to explain.  They consisted of pretending to be somewhere else, to be doing something else.

 An iffy game I played.  If she knew the truth, she was angry and disappointed, the same if she knew I had lied.  I had to ask myself which would be worse, her knowing because I told her or her finding out the truth on her own.  

Until recently, guilt was a card at the bottom of this deck. It was ignored until truth was revealed.  

But once guilt and truth came into play, this overwhelming relief cleansed my spirit.  I felt true happiness when I didn't have to hide anything.

There may be painful truths that appear to hurt more than seemingly harmless lies.  However, once a person finds out not only the truth, but the fact you lied to save yourself, to protect them, to keep your friendship, whatever other reason you made up to justify the lie,

you are saying to them:

I do not value you enough to overcome the fear of the result of telling you the truth.

Not that you don't value that person or not respect them in the slightest, but you're too afraid of being honest and in the end, that hurts them. 

In light of this, I will resolve to being as honest as I can from now on.

Also, diary, this is farewell.  I cast myself out by deleting most of my entries long ago anyway, so I'm not sure what I'm doing here still.

I'm doing fine, though.  I just don't need this space anymore. 

-soy

.

[thediaryproducts]

Some number again

I don't like this feeling. The feeling where I start to doubt what I'm doing. Whether or not I believe it's worth it in the end. I usually always think things will turn out well in the end. But the end isn't something I've established. And the time until the end was never indicated to be enjoyable. I don't know what to do, and I'm too afraid to ask for guidance. I can't simply ask someone "what should I do with my life?" Most people would say do what you want, do what makes you happy. I see that as gamble, doing what I like for my career. Honestly I only chose this over other things because I heard a friend was. Doubtful I would be going after this job if I hadn't heard about her doing it too. I'm just too scared to go it alone. Too unsure of myself. Thought if I could just keep up with her I'd make it. And I've managed so far. But I'm not her. I never look forward to going to school anymore. I learn things but I can't keep myself believing that I'm interested in learning. I only want the end and I don't like the means with which it must get to it. If I could make a simple living off of making people laugh or creating music and art with friends I would but. It's not that I can't. I just don't. I am too scared to fail. Too scared to have my mother tell me she is ashamed of me for chasing after something so risky, instead of going to school and becoming a doctor or a pharmacist. She compares me to valedictorians and people graduating college early with two high class majors. She doesn't say it. But the way she describes them to me. I can tell. She wants me to be something amazing. Something to tell her friends about, something to put up on the wall. I know she'll still love me if I don't. But I'm scared to not meet her expectations. The years of encouraging me. Bringing up promises from younger days saying I'd cure cancer, and buy her an expensive car. Sometimes I don't know if she brings them up to reminisce or to remind me. Reminding me to live up to the expectations of my younger self. I still feel young. Young as in inexperienced. Deathly afraid of ideas in the corner of my mind.

[thediaryproducts]

Malk #15

Dear Diary,

Everyone is busy. But that doesn't mean they don't care about you. They are just busy. Keep telling yourself that so you'll believe it. I miss it. I miss everything. I'm here and I'm not afraid to share my feelings. My feelings are what make me who I am. I get easily upset, and I get easily frustrated, but that doesn't make me any less of a human being. I look at my feelings and my past. The correlation between making my friends upset and my personality run straight and true. So what exactly am I supposed to do? I want to let each and everyone of them know that I love them so much. And I need them. I need them much more than they need me. It feels that way at least. I want to go back. Where there wasn't any awkward tension, where we questioned how it got so late. Where we didn't worry about stepping on any toes or hurting anyones feelings. Where I could finally say that I felt happy. I'm lost. I can't keep going on like this. The void that I'm stuck in. Where I'm neither happy or upset. I'm just here and it's killing me. No one is supposed to feel sorry for me, I understand that. But I'm at a constant war with myself. I can feel the anger from everyone, asking me what I'm going to do or where I am headed in life. I can't answer any of their questions. I can't because I honestly am lost. This thought in the back of my mind is telling myself to just leave. Physically or mentally I'm exhausted. I'm afraid of being alone, and yet here I am. I can't force anyone to change for me. I can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do.  I want her to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm finally realizing that I needed her more than she needed me. I'm sorry that I cut ties. I didn't want to. My mind was fighting against itself. I'm not losing her. I'm not. She's still there. I'm just too afraid to admit it. Everything hurts. I feel sick all the time. Why does it still hurt so much. Why can't I just get on with it. Get on with the dreams and thoughts. Why can't I just forget. But I know the answer to that. It's cause I don't want to. I can't. Someone has to keep alive the memories. Someone has to bear it. I'll take it upon myself to never forget. It's just how I do things. 

I miss that feeling. I miss not being alone. I miss her. 

But please don't say anything. It doesn't matter anyway. Malk

[thediaryproducts]

Malk #14

Dear Diary, 

It's here. That time where I feel the most alone. I've sort of been trying to hide from it. Telling myself that I can get through it like I always have. But this time I won't have anyone. Anyone to tell my problems too and have them be there. Everyone is going away, living their own lives. Experiencing once they have before, but differently... And I'm stuck in the same rut I have been. I feel as if the memories I have are what I'm living off of. Hopes of a better future, hopes of making new instances where I can revel in the happiness for a little while longer. But I have to keep going. Cause why can't I experience new things as well? The question I've been asking myself is, what is the definition of growing up? And I think I finally have an answer... You just have to stop worrying about it. Shit happens. You have to make the decision to grow. You have to make that decision to let it not affect you anymore. It blows, and you will constantly be fighting yourself from forgetting the memories... But no one is asking you to forget. Take it upon yourself to memorize the little things about your friends. Their smiles, their mannerisms, their jokes, their faces. You are in charge of your memories, and if something is bugging you, try to remember that once it was good. The future is constantly changing, and maybe you will find yourself standing where you thought you would never be again, smiling with the people you love. Just keep in mind that they have their lives too, and they will do what they think is best to keep moving forward. If they move on from you, don't take it personal. Put everything you have into not believing that. They are growing, and you have to let them. But you are too. Don't ever forget that. With each passing day you are getting stronger, older, and wiser. The future is fucking scary. It's a dangerous place for sure. Just think of it this way... The only way you can be prepared for it, is if you grow from the past, and live in the present. Life is too short to hold grudges, and it's definitely too short to be upset about trivial things. Let yourself feel something everynow and again. Cry if you want to, scream, and lose yourself. But always pick yourself back up and grow from it. Don't throw yourself pity parties, because no one will want to come.  Now if I can only take this advice.  Cause "trying" is always a key word. -Malk

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Malk #13

Dear Diary,  Seems like we aren't neglecting you as much anymore, Doesn't that feel better? Sorry about that by the way. But back to my thoughts and such. One of my good friends just turned 23 and it's sort of eye opening. There is also so much talk about growing up and being mature and being an adult... He has everything balanced in a wonderful way. His friends all know where they are headed, and they all still see each other almost everyday or week. They each are so coordinated in plans and even have time to go on trips together... They are some of the coolest people to be around and hang out with, and I truly needed the night out. Looking at my friends... I can't pinpoint them as clearly as I used to. I can't just call them up and ask to hang out and I can't see them on a regular basis anymore. It's different. And I'm sort of jealous. He has his life going through accordingly and I'm sort of stuck in this neverending loop of self deprecation and the facade of being happy.  The party was fun though... It was sort of surreal for me. To have such a large group of people that I was comfortable with... Laughing at Cards Against Humanity, playing Rock Band, high stakes board games, and junk food. It was a great night. But I have been feeling more lost than usual. Arguing with myself about decisions and more or less choosing the bad ones. Growing up is hard when you don't know the definition. I wonder where we will all end up. The talk of the future always comes up with me. It's cause I'm scared of it. I've always been scared of it. It's a feeling that will never go away. One step foward and two steps back. Seriously though I jump back and forth in this diary. One moment I'm happy, the other I can't seem to think clearly.

Feeling unusually misplaced,

Malk

PS. Camping this week and possibly next weekend?... Maybe that will do me some good. Hopefully.

PPS. I'm still not doing okay. Even if I say differently. 

[thediaryproducts]

Once

When waiting for something, I always enjoy the anticipation most.  It's the best part, really.  You either have all these hopes or fears and those wonderful and terrifying thoughts make that 'thing' all the more exciting.  

You can watch other people in bliss and think, wow, if only my life was as cheerful and lovely as theirs.  But it's all outlook really.  You learn of their wrongdoings, the conflicts they face.  Happiness isn't about perfection, but rejoicing in each day as it comes.  (Time is so precious.)   

Nothing happens as expected, which is rather disappointing, but it's all preparation for future trials.  

Hoping and fearing that your efforts are/aren't worth anything, you shall still move forward.   

Somewhat cliched thoughts aside, I'm a bit out of it, but doing well. 

[thediaryproducts]

Some sort of number

I typed up a bunch of thoughts and they were erased. They don't feel as powerful now. Ill only summarize now. I want to fall sleep in a terrible storm, maybe because it's ironic. I want to capture that moment. There is a loneliness in being an individual. I'll frame moments to make them mean something. I take pictures to do this. I hope to remember. If I only wait for the future, it will have come and gone and I would only see my life as a buildup to maybe nothing. I'm scared of it all. -whipped cream.

[thediaryproducts]

Gelato #14

I love Free! Eternal Summer. And I dont care what you think about it.