thedisorderedpoet @thedisorderedpoet - Tumblr Blog

finding the reasons:

when life once again seems as though living is impossible, my therapist asks what my reasons are to stay.

i can usually come up with some overly optimistic future plans or dreams i had as a kid, anything really, to get her to stop asking.

but these reasons have always been external.

there is nothing in me that i see as having enough potential to outweigh the benefits of disappearing into the oblivion.

so what do i tell her when i can no longer find the positives in this world?

i don’t hope to have my dream job.

i don’t wish to live in my dream city.

i don’t care about finding love.

i don’t want to have a family anymore.

i hope, wish and want to end suffering. but what if i am only capable of ending my own?

—

random thoughts about finding it hard to find reasons to stay when this world feels so incredibly destroyed.

i see you, and i love you.

keep on going, please.

change is inevitable.

if life is feeling insufferable right now, know that you will feel different one day.

i’m not saying you will feel better or fixed, but it won’t be the exact same as you feel right now.

i know it feels like you can’t handle it, but you are handling it. maybe barely, but you are, and i’m proud of you.

keep fucking going, please.

why does loving people feel so guttural and painful for me? i just want to love without feeling every ounce of emotion to my core.

it’s becoming more and more difficult to find reasons to stay.

my existence is torture.

thedisorderedpoet