I'm doing poetry kinda stuff here. he/they

[theducks-111]

Just told my cat several times that "i am not pleased with you!" Because she knocked over a drink on my vanity

[theducks-111]

Am I the only one who sees Shoto Todoroki in my tile wall?

[theducks-111]

I go through my messages on The Unsent Project and most of them sound and feel like they are from one specific person. Some I know aren't like one that says "I wish you weren't married" which I absolutely am not married. But even the day it was posted matches up. It kinda hurts. I thought I was over this but to read what seems to be their private thoughts in real time after it all went down hurts something inside of me. It brings a sort of calm sadness to me. That we were just children and we hurt each other. And that they might've felt remorse, even if they didn't share it.

[theducks-111]

Okay this is my personal opinion, but I feel like if you want a glimpse into James Potter's childhood x watch Daniel Tiger, cuz Daniel is totally a baby James

[theducks-111]

Longing:

I kinda just wish you would love me

I want to go to you with things and for comfort

but I always will know you will make it worse

that you don't really care for comforting me

and that hurts.

I lay awake sobbing because I have no one to hold me

I am terrified to call you at night when I am sick

so many times I have thought I was dying

begged you to stay

you always left

you would say how burden some it was to stay by me

because I was fine

and that may be true

that I always ended up alright

but in the moment I just didn't want to die alone

and you didn't care about that.

I remember at 14 in the ER receiving a hug from a nurse

It made me cry

you had left me to her to watch as you didn't wish to be there

I cried because it was the kindest hug and most meanful hug I had received in years

that she heard my fear and suffering

she hugged me and rubbed my back and called me baby and said it would all be okay

that the hard part was over

that I was safe

words I had never heard you utter

I long so desperately for your love and care

but you treat it like ration cards

that you have not the energy in you to spare me the same care you give out to others

[theducks-111]

I just finished watching the musical cabaret, but then I accidentally immediately after listened to the song Conversations With Strangers. In which one of the lines is " yo girl on a range of 1 to America how free are you tonight, which would be great line if written under it there wasn't, Germany 1942!" So I went on to laugh my ass off cuz I'm a terrible person and comedy is how I cope.

[theducks-111]

Sometimes I listen to my ultra feminist songs like The Doll People and Labour and I think "well, maybe it's not that bad, maybe we are exaggerating it..." And then I remember 1/4 woman in the United States has been raped. And every woman in my family is one of them.

[theducks-111]

Anyone else get asthma attacks from too much humidity? Cuz I used to think I was like allergic to hot tubs as a kid, turns out it's just anything with too much steam.

[theducks-111]

My favorite part is when nobody dies and they all live happily ever after❤️‍🩹

[theducks-111]

Anyone else when they get sick they just feel like they are gonna die? Like I get so scared and panicked that I pretty much have the Lord's prayer on repeat in my head. And since I reliably get like this whenever I'm sick, my mom always asks right away if I have taken an anxiety med.

[theducks-111]

During the Spanish Flu pandemic, a German immigrant died of the flu. He wasn't unlike his fellow immigrants who died of the illness and would be completely forgotten by the world. But, his son took his life insurance and used it to support the family's Real Estate business. He was named, Fredrick Trump. You would know his grandson as Donald Trump. Which means, there very well is a better universe where Fredrick died instead of his father and that world isn't suffering under Trump now.

[theducks-111]

Y'all ever listen to a Dodie song and suddenly you're 11 years old sobbing in your closet because life is never gonna feel okay but you're desperately wishing it would be okay and that your mom would hold you like she did when your dad died?... Just me?

[theducks-111]

Sending love to those in the Carolinas this week! With the recent Hurricanes, many still are out of power and are struggling. I've been told that in North Carolina specifically they are getting 6 inches of snow tonight which is not only unheard of for the area but it may be devastating to some due to the still prevalent damage caused by Helene and Milton! If you are able, please please donate, you may be saving lives as it is freezing winter temperatures there. Us up North may hear 15° or 20° and feel like that's warm for January but remember, they are normally in the 40s during winter down there so they haven't seen this kind of cold! I'm dropping a few links below where you can donate to hurricane relief charities helping with the damage in the Carolinas.

Hurricane Relief:

Hurricane Milton | Crisis Relief Fund | Convoy of Hope

Help Convoy of Hope respond to survivors of Hurricane Milton by providing immediate relief to the affected families and communities.

And it always helps to donate to The Red Cross as they cover areas we may not always think fall through in these kinds of disasters like blood donations and temporary housing.

American Red Cross

Every 8 minutes the American Red Cross responds to an emergency. Support the Red Cross. Join us today by making a donation.

[theducks-111]

I don't entirely know what happened, either my feet are super duper calloused so I didnt feel it or it has to do with me sometimes loosing feeling in my feet. But I walked on broken glass, bled all over the kitchen floor and didn't realize until I finished my task and saw the blood. I just took a foot bath to clean it all out but oh boy was that a shock.

TW: BLOOD!

[theducks-111]

So I am researching herbal remedies cuz my body is fucked and my liver can only take so much. So I was reading this book called An Index of Medical Herbs and Their Uses by Harold Ward (no not that Harold Ward, he didn't fight in pearl Harbor he's just a herbalist). And I was wondering when it was published. I went into it thinking it was modern but then some flags were raised. For example: "The Famous "chamomile tea" is taken for nervous and bilious headache, as an aid to digestion, and for hysterical tendencies in women" and I was like woah what.!?!?!?? And then I read "influenza and feverish conditions generally, for which the purpose is very successfully used by the American 𝙉𝙚𝙜𝙧𝙤𝙚𝙨" 𝙒𝙃𝘼𝙏! I'm probably the whitest person you can find this side of the Mississippi and it is 2025! I was just like "omg is he allowed to say that?!?!" Turns out he was. Because this book was published in 1936. I'm reading a 90 year old book. It's helpful but I hope it doesn't start talking about female hysteria again or how the American black community couldn't afford or were denied healthcare during the deadly influenza epidemic in the 1920s. I suppose I will let you know if these work cuz now I am indeed a bit worried.

[theducks-111]

Okay I just need to vent real quick because this is absolute bullshit. I've had pain in my joints and the surrounding muscle for as far back I can remember. Now that I'm older, I'm finally starting to be taken seriously about it. I've been to the doctors a few times starting in November and have gotten some tests done. They have determined that I don't have juvenile arthritis and that there isnt a problem with my bones. So, to them, that means 'oh your fine, suck it up its growing pains. Come back in 6 months'. WTF! first off, I'm far too old for growing pains. I know some people still grow past their teens, but I've been the exact same height for several years now. So their explanation is bullshit. Like dude, my pain is so bad that when I do something strenuous, like deep cleaning, taking out trash, picking up kids, etc. that I start shaking so bad that I've fallen down the stairs before. I've sprained my ankles and wrists so many times throughout my life for no reason. I have hurt my wrist before by doing the spider-man web shooting hand. THE SPIDER-MAN WEB SHOOTING HAND!!! and your telling me it's growing pains!!!!! So now I need to find a different doctor than my normal family doctor to get a second opinion because there has to be something the matter. Unless all of y'all feel like someone is jamming a needle around under your skin. It feels like when you get a blood draw or a shot in your muscle. In all of my joints and the surrounding muscle, all day, everyday, for at least the last decade. I'm just tired of this.

[xanaxfarts]

A caiman in the Amazon wearing a crown of butterflies that feed off the young crocs salty tears. (2016) Photog. Mark Cowan [source]

[theducks-111]

This is beautifully sad. Like this crocodile is crying and yet it provides sustenance for another species that we associate with beauty and rebirth. Yet the crying crocodile we associate with brutality and cunning. But the rolls are reversed. Yet it makes a very beautiful image. Too many layers in this one.