The Feels

[theefeels]

I want to die

[theefeels]

It's been a year I a still find myself having a dream about you occasionally.

I wonder why.

[theefeels]

How nice it must feel to have someone pick you up after a hard fall...

[theefeels]

   Two nights ago I was at a view in the city I live. Staring at the city lights thinking of you. It wasn't the first time either. About 3 times a week I go to that place and even with a friend at my side I still can't stop thinking of you. I find out that you broke up with the guy that you left me for. I was told you broke up with him because you never see him and you have another "crush." The last time I hung out with you at school there was this guy "Shaun" who you were hanging out with. I knew it was him. A few days earlier you received flowers from someone and it was him. I ask you today after having a short chat at school. Again, you were with him. I left thinking that I was going to text you asking you if you like him. I did. You said it shouldn't matter to me who I like. I replied with something like, It does matter to me because I still have feelings for you. If it was the other way around you would want to know who I liked.

   For some reason it killed me a little inside to know that she broke up with the guy that we broke up for. Maybe that means that I was just another guy to her. The five years I have known you, what were they for? You ignoring me every chance you get? Why have I tried so hard to keep you in my life even if it meant not having you? You could care less if I never talked to you again. That fucking hurts. No matter all this why do I still love you. Honestly, I wish I could erase You from my memory, but keep all the lessons learned. I have  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but still, I want to forget you just like how you forgot me. I'm tired. So tired. I feel like I have wasted so much time. I keep repeating all our days in my head. The scars you left on me can't be measured. I want to get past this with my own strength but the days pass so fast and nothing changes.

Because it is raining...

"When I was little the sky was closer…So much closer. That’s why I like the rain, as with it comes the smell of the sky."

[theefeels]

It is a little scary to think what I would do for you.

[theefeels]

4:23 in morning. These late night thoughts kill me. Going through my youtube account and watching a video of you singing while thinking of me made me tear up. While I looked at the comments from 3 years ago I noticed some of my comments telling you I missed you. Damn those times were good. There isn't anything I can do now, but despite how angry I am at you today, this video made me realize how much I actually love and loved you. Through everything I won't ever regret having those experiences with you. You changed my life. I'm not trying to be cliche or corny, but it is true. Some people come into your life and just change you as a person. When you never think you can love someone so much, they just appear. Pretty weird. Honestly I really want to cry everything out, I'm trying. I'm thinking of everything and all our memories, but for some reason I can't. Is this acceptance? I'm not really sure.

 I love you can be said in more than one way, whether it be "I love you" or "Drive safely."

[theefeels]

So many people men and women cheat. It's so sad when someone does especially in a long relationship. I was cheated on by my first long,deep relationship. Ever since then I feel like there is no hope for anyone else. So many times I hear about a girl who cheated on her boyfriend. Surprisingly I hear about more girls cheating than guys, but that is just me. I'm sure there are an equal amount of the two. Young women so are easily persuaded by guys. Especially if they find features that their boyfriend doesn't have in another guy. They start to compare and wonder why their boyfriend doesn't give them flowers often when instead they tell them everyday that they are beautiful and other things. The worst thing is when the question "What do you do for me?" is asked. Being so appalled by the question, the guy stutters to say something. Women take this as "That is right because you don't do anything." Or something like that. Why can't anyone understand that??

Why do people have to cheat??? When I am in a relationship I was so loyal. More loyal than a fucking dog. If my guy friends told me to look at an amazing looking girl from across the room I would not even steal a glance. I even stopped myself from talking to a girl she didn't like. But when I tell her to stop talking to a guy that I KNOW likes her I get a reply, "He doesn't like me (or anymore) We are just friends." Fuck that. I'm not going to take that shit anymore. At one point in a woman's life she will cheat. That is what happens. I honestly don't believe women's words. Not just because my own experience, but because I see and hear so many conniving bitches lying and cheating.

But still, I want one to save me.

[theefeels]

I dreamt of you last night. We were in a school and I saw you with a friend. We made eye contact and I knew that was only going to be it, but I then saw your dad sitting with you. We smiled at each other and he signaled for me to walk over. I felt so uncomfortable, but happy to see him again, just like old times. The only difference is this time I gave him a slight hug instead of a handshake. It was then that I thought, "This guy would have been my dad, It would have been nice." We talked for a bit and I walked away from all you guys. We didn't say a word. I woke up like that whole experience happened only seconds ago. I could still remember the familiarness of both his face and yours. That look he gave me made me feel like he accepted me as his son, but it was too late. A little sooner and I could have been family with you as my girlfriend and maybe wife in the future. I woke up pretty heartbroken, which hasn't happened in awhile.

[theefeels]

I don't know what to do. I still fucking love you after months and months. Every single day I still think about you and there hasn't been a day where I haven't. I doubt you think about me at all. I feel like a fucking idiot for feeling this way for so long. Your life has changed so much without me. Doing things with more guys, drinking, going places, loving another person... It pisses me off that you think I'm fine. I'm not. I'm really not. You ignored me for so long while I still tried to stay on good terms and accept everything. No matter what I would NEVER ignore you nor have I in the past. Even when I did move on after our past breakup I would still be there for you whenever you wanted to talk, instead when I texted you I was ignored. Not once, not twice, more than three times. It really feels like shit to know that the only relationship we had was IN our relationship. I hate it. I hate this.Everytime you meet someone new I am thrown away like an old toy. If only it could be as easy for me as it is for you. Honestly, I want to cry everything out regardless how pathetic it is. Anything to make some pain go away. I wish I could tell someone EVERYTHING I have pent up inside, but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I just don't know how much longer this feeling will last. It has been at least 4 months every single day thinking about horrible shit. It's crazy because every night and morning you are STILL my first thought (Besides "What time is it?" I wish someone could just walk into my life and help me forget about you. I really do wish that. That's all for today. Expect the same long ass rant tomorrow...Hopefully not.