The Emphemera

Real quotes from fake bible chapters

[theemphemera]

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again

Brexit 6:25

[theemphemera]

It's all sun and flames until somebody gets burnt.

Dermatologists 1:70

[theemphemera]

That which be MORE than you can shake a stick at doth not exist” sayeth the LORD; “for the stick shake shall be the measure of all things

Expressions 2:4

[theemphemera]

The cord giveth, the cord taketh away.

Batteries 10:17

[theemphemera]

… And thus Adam lived to be 930 years of age, Seth lived to be 912, Enosh 905, Cainan 910, Methuselah 969, Noah 950, Eastwood 1,755, Jagger 2,765, Redford 96,883, and Richards 164,892.

Exaggerations 1:2015

[theemphemera]

Upon this day cats and dogs shall hide underneath tables, children puteth to sleep but sleep not really able. Beer and flags, ice in bags, Long lines reacheth into the night. Annoyeth thy neighbor, tis thy constitutional right. Foreth today upon days counting seventeen seventy six, we shall make things explode with illegal gunpowder sticks.

Declarations 7:04

[theemphemera]

With thine abandoned cart left asunder behind thy mode of transport, I am left to ponder... Hath thee been afflicted with weakness? Are thy spirit low, and thus too burdened with grief to move thy cart to its place of refuge? Nay, thy sense is entitled, thy girth is ponderous, and thy laziness know no bounds. I lay a curse upon thine doodles of cheese!

Walmarts 24:7

[theemphemera]

... And he shall go though great pains, to go though great pains.

Appointments 7:15

[theemphemera]

Those who leaveth shall payeth fortunes to feeleth worse than those who enter.

Orthodontics 3:15

[theemphemera]

Flour corrupts; absolute flour corrupts absolutely.

Confections 7:16

[theemphemera]

For thy HOLY word shall uniteth man only in it’s debated meaning.

Dawkins 8:16

[theemphemera]

God doth not playeth dice with thy Universe … but he winneth every time in Boggle.

Quadricentennials 600:pts

[theemphemera]

And the one called Mechanic did come and lay his hands upon the craft. When he shook his head no, the many have moaned and groaned and be wailed the breakage of connections.

Airports 65:2

[theemphemera]

Yea and though the teeth of the dragon at puissant and terrible, if ye move through the beast from the back thou shalt not be swallowethed.

Adventures 1:25

[theemphemera]

Though thy journey through tunnel and jungle shalt be frought with peril, the Lord shall grant ye safe passage if thy shalt merely genuflect upon the head of a crocodile.

Pitfalls 5:1

[theemphemera]

Accepteth thy pellet and receiveth thy Father, thy Son, and Holy Ghosts unless ye accepteth thy power pellets then only thy Ghosts eyes remaineth and returneth to thy center box.

Midways 19:80

[theemphemera]

And the heavens did say before the reckoning "Merr, Merr, Merr, Merr, Pechew, Pechew, Merr, Merr, Pechew, Pechew, Merr, Merr, Pkkkkkkk"

Invaders 19:78