I know now, maybe more than ever, what I want out of this life. I want quiet. I want a stable life, but not one devoid of small adventures. Someone dear to me taught me that this is not selfish, quite the opposite, really—in making myself and the people directly around me happy, I am changing the world for the better. I don’t need an ambitious career or to make big, grandiose sacrifices, to make the world a better place. I want the people I touch in this life to look at me, and think, “she is genuinely happy, it’s possible, and I want that for myself too.”
I want my home to be a safe space. Small and comforting, but with some nice furniture or art pieces that breathe echoes of the places I’ve been and the people I love. A warm kitchen, always smelling of cinnamon or delicious savory food. Soft music playing, the kind to sway to. Clean sheets. Lots of light and a tiny garden. I want it to be a place of refuge, for animals and humans alike. For conversations happy and sad and pondering and full of love. For laughter. For nights spent listening and watching the rain.
I want to be able to own stacks of books, to get lost in one in an oversized chair by a window, a mug of steaming tea in hand. I want to bake for people, I want to drink expensive wine and eat fancy food, I want to travel, I want to meet people, I want to teach, I want to learn, I want to pet dogs, I want to laugh with my friends and my lover, I want to write, I want to listen to music of all kinds, I want to be a wife, and I want to wear pretty things. I want to give advice while sitting on worn chairs in pajamas, I want to wipe away tears, I want to make love passionately. I want to make stupid inside jokes, cry at movies, explore new kinks, spoil my lover. I want to feel the wind on my face, listen to roaring waterfalls, and gaze up at an endless sea of stars surrounding the moon. I want to give. I am enough. I am worthy of this life, and I can achieve it. I know this. It may not be an easy road, perhaps circuitous and long, but with enough determination you can attain anything.
And I want love. I’ve always been highly emotional, attuned maybe too much to the feelings of others. I used to think it was a fatal flaw, that I was doomed to always love more than I was loved in return. But you cannot blame people, everyone shows love differently. What people do, they do because of themselves, not because of you. Do not pin your self-worth to how others feel about you; it will destroy you. Give yourself this consuming love, and just like happiness, people will see it, and be drawn to it, be inspired by it, to love themselves. I am loving myself like this. It isn’t always easy, but I can feel it growing. Little assurances to myself everyday. Even something as simple as “I’m proud of you for getting out of bed and doing the thing today” helps. It’s conditioning, and it will get easier the more you do it. And this love I give myself, it will make it easier to love others, tenfold. Platonically or romantically. Want over need. But this does not mean the passionate love I give to others will be watered down; I will be a whole for a whole. I will love you, endlessly, through your flaws and your triumphs, without sacrificing myself or expecting you to sacrifice yourself. A stable, lasting love, but not without depth of feeling. Still fiery, healthily possessive, supportive, exciting. This is what I want. This is the life I deserve, that I will be reaching for. This passage is a reminder to myself, and hopefully a kind embrace to others reading it, that your life is yours, and you can live it how you so choose. We only get one, and it’s too short to spend it worrying or comparing yourself to others.
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