“Problem solved, I thought. I’m not hard to love, I just need a lot and am a lot. And then I grabbed a coloring book I wanted, but thought better of it and set it back on the shelf. Maybe wanting things is what makes me a lot. If I could just want less, I’d be the right amount of person. The amount I’m supposed to be. That not-a-lot amount. The easy-to-love amount.
It’s an approach I’ve taken with me into my three relationships, I’d you can call them that, which you probably can’t. I’ve tried to not ask for much, and to expect even less. I’ve tried to make them feel funny when they all say the same jokes, feel smart when they all have the same point of view, feel right when a quick google search confirms that they’re not. I’ve tried to laugh on cue, smile on cue, compliment on cue. I’ve watered down my personality to a cardboard cutout version of myself, and I thought that was fine so long as my body showed up in 4D with bells and whistles, ready to grab and grope and lick and suck. But the more I try, the more I realize it’s not possible. A body can’t just connect on command, or find a spark that isn’t there, or force a nonexistent chemistry. You might be able to squeeze a couple of cheap thrills out of it, but eventually, the body says no more.”
prguitarman
janainaart
origamiaround
annaxmalina
snowghoul
areudirty
turnnoffyourmind
gummygunk
