the evergreen tree

"maybe one day we'll find the place where dreams and reality collide." #justjenthings #daily || love unconditionally

[theevergreentreepress]

i have liked this boy since high school. He’s not really a boy i guess, but now a man. I have this weird feeling that we are supposed to be together for the rest of our lives, but i have no idea where it’s coming from.

Oftentimes i hope my life is like one of those romantic comedies on netflix, or a hallmark movie. Maybe one day far from now, I’ll be living in my hometown and this guy and i will be forced by our parents to work together to plan an event for something. And as we’re working together on this event, we’ll fall madly in love with one another and get married and live happily ever after.

But at the end of the day we all know that life isn’t a hallmark movie and this will never happen. I still hope as i crush madly in this man from afar. Ugh.

[theevergreentreepress]

may seventeenth thru nineteenth

hello hello hello i am back again with more relationship qualms!!! what’s new!!!

soooo.....

there’s this boy. we went to high school together and during those high school years he was always dating this girl. let’s call her Isabelle for the sake of clarity.

now Isabelle, whether she realized it or not, was very controlling if this boy whilst they were dating. i remember one time, they left school at the same time during free period and i decided to follow them. i followed them across the street to the library (lame). I stayed in my car for a bit and then decided to go inside and see if i could track them down. i pretender to be browsing the stacks, and then OPE! looks like i bumped in to them on their study date. i tried to engage in conversation, mostly with him, whilst she was giving me the death stare the entire time. after that, no girls were allowed to talk to him, ever.

so, i never got to know the guy in high school, but I’ve always had a little bit of a crush on him. i sat behind him in US History and flirting with him always came naturally.

fast forward a couple years. by now we’ve both graduated from high school, he broke up with Isabelle, and we both have completed one year of college. we’re both older and wiser, right?

we talked for a little bit at graduation of the class below us. we did the whole catching up, how are you’s, all that jazz. that was the most i had ever talked to him. turns out, he’s not only super cute, but he also has a good heart and gives the best advice.

we go our separate ways that summer and into the next school year, we each have different SO’s, but occasionally messaging eachother throughout the year to see how the other is, until this year.

our younger sisters are in the same class and they both graduated from high school. this means that we both had to be there early and stand around for all the pictures and flare that goes into a high school graduation. we probably talked for about three hours that night, and found out that indeed, we both are single. i loved every single second of it. we slipped back into our natural flirtatious vibe that Isabelle didn’t like when we were in high school.

i’d like to take a brief intermission here and let you know that he gives THE BEST hugs. the best i have ever had from anyone. i don’t know if I’ve talked about arms of safety before, but he has those. his hugs are like full on bear hugs where is arms wrap completely around you and you have to stand on your tip toes to avoid getting smushed into his chest (which i wouldn’t mind all that much, but we’re not at that point in our relationship, yet).

i got six hugs in total from him that weekend. we saw eachother every day Friday to Sunday at various parties and graduation events and i loved every second of it. he’s so easy to talk to and he’s also a good listener at the same time. I want so badly to text him again, just to see how he’s doing. we’re still not living in the same city, and honestly, it’s killing me. I’m trying to convince him to come to my university, but Isabelle goes here too, so it might be kind of hard.

tell me not to text him because if someone doesn’t, i will.

[theevergreentreepress]

november twenty-sixth

I feel like i only ever come on here anymore when i have a broken heart. so guess who has a broken heart again, bitches??!! that’s right, it’s ya girl Kelli! hahaha that’s not my name but she’s why i have a broken heart! i love being the other woman *upside down smiley face*

maybe one of these days I’ll fill you in on all the sordid details. after all, i do have a 3500 word document that probably only covers an eight of what happened.

- jen

[theevergreentreepress]

june third

i have this unexplained love of airports. Ultimately, it stems from my love of travel, but if I’m honest with myself, i love the journey more than the destination. if i had the option to, i would choose the flight path that had the longest layover just so i could spend more time in the airport (this also avoids stress about missing a connecting flight). i am more likely to pick the flight with the layover rather than the non-stop, just so i can spend more time at the airport or visit a new one.

i have a list of all the airports I’ve been too, but I’m trying to expand it:

MCI - Kansas City, Missouri

CMH - Columbus, Ohio

DTW - Detroit, Michigan

LHR - Heathrow, London, United Kingdom

FCO - Rome, Italy

AMS - Schiphol, Amsterdam, Netherlands

PHX - Phoenix, Arizona

SEA - Seattle, Washington

ANC - Anchorage, Alaska

MSP - Minneapolis, Saint Paul, Minnesota

SMF - Sacramento, California

LAX - Los Angeles, California

CAN - Ghuangoux, China

KTM - Kathmandu, Nepal

IAH - Houston, Texas

RSW - Southwest Florida Regional

ATL - Atlanta, Georgia

It isn’t a very long list, but i could tell you an extensive story from each of them, like eating the worst Popeyes in Atlanta or running two miles through LAX. each one has memories that i never want to forget. I have them written down and i will share them with you sometime.

i can’t explain the feeling, but i can say i feel most at peace in airports, like its where i belong. it’s the only place I’ve ever really felt like that.

- jen

[theevergreentreepress]

may twenty-fourth

i come to you with a heavy heart today. the man who i would consider my second father has been diagnosed with stage four esophageal cancer. it is incurable but treatable. he was given theee years to live and i have never felt less emotion.

it’s a tricky feeling to describe, unfeeling rather than feeling. i want more than anything to do something the bless my family, the one they so willingly welcomed me and my sisters into. but i want that something to stand out and be appreciated, not just the third lasagna on the top shelf of the fridge.

wanting to do something special for the people you care about is really hard and not knowing is ultimately the worst

- jen

[theevergreentreepress]

may eighth

a freshman year reflection

i am so proud of my friends. they have gone off and moved to different cities and fallen in love with new places and new people. we have all gone on and made lives for ourselves separate of the ones that we had with each other and i have had so much fun watching them plant and grow.

i have learned some things about myself as well:

i like to talk about my feelings and most of the time that gets me in trouble

i’m afraid of being alone

i have a relationship with the one true King that can get me through ANYTHING

 i am more than my grade

but most of all, i have learned how to love people unconditionally, no matter who they are or where they come from or how they treat me. i have formed relationships that i am so happy to have and friends that will be with me for a long time. 

i am ready to move out of the dorms and for this year to be OVER, but i am going to miss the memories. 

[theevergreentreepress]

may third

honestly, if you texted me right now and asked me to sleep with you in your bed tonight, i would.

i would get up from my bed and be over before you could even change the song (it helps that I’m only four doors away but still). i saw you once today from a distance and man do i miss you.

no one knows what I’m going through right now, they all say it’s a bad thing and that we aren’t right for eachother, and i totally understand. we aren’t, but it’s so hard to see that right now, especially when i saw her walking into your room earlier today, that hurt more than anything. to know that you’ve moved on so fast really hurt.

i know that I’m blaming myself for these mistakes, but i often wonder if you stop to think how much i’m hurting?

jen

[theevergreentreepress]

april twenty-ninth

if this is what true heartbreak feels like, i never want to fall for anyone ever again.

[theevergreentreepress]

ok, so here’s the thing. i miss you. i miss walking into your room and seeing your face light up and smile at me. i miss the looks we would share when someone would do something stupid and we had a mutual understanding that we thought that they were dumb. i miss the nights that i spent in your bed, staying close to you instead of the cold wall, especially when the wind blew. i miss having someone to tell about my day, because no one cared as much as you did.

i hate how much i hurt you. even though you say your over it, sometimes i hope you’re not, because I’m not. i hurt more thinking about how much i hurt you and i hate that. i hate that you can’t even look at me anymore because i feel like i hurt you too much. i have felt worse this past week than i have in my entire life. i feel so alone. and helpless and i don’t know what to do.

she said that staying out of your room would help, but honestly, i haven’t been in your room for two days and i still feel sick. god, if this is what a “breakup” feels like then i never want to fall for anyone ever again.

geezzz.

[theevergreentreepress]

nepal

a peaceful playlist for a soft afternoon 

langtan - for alltid

don’t you cry for me - cobi

someone to stay - vancouver sleep clinic

it’s alright - fractures

oceans away - a r i z o n a 

lostmyhead - the 1975

i get it now - fjord

to build a home - the cinematic orchestra

holocene - bon iver

postcards from berlin - alvarez kings

me & mr jones - amy winehouse

mountains - savoir adore

welcome to the jungle - novo amor

restless - rkcb

apls - novo amor

we are stars & spheres - hayden calnin

smother - daughter

machine - amber run

letter by the water - the japanese house

alpenglow - s. carey

unworthy - vancouver sleep clinic

through the eyes of a child - aurora

blood bank - bon iver 

the wolves (act I and II) - bon iver

towers - bon iver

pools to bathe in - the japanese house

beneath the balcony - iron and wine

sugar pill - the japanese house 

cherry wine - hozier

lung - vancouver sleep clinic

weather - novo amor

contra - talos

retrograde - james blake

the wave - colouring

from the dining table - harry styles

venice - the lighthouse and the whaler

[theevergreentreepress]

march eighteenth

i can not stop thinking about you. i literally don’t know why. I though the break would be good and that maybe if i didn’t see you every day i would stop thinking about you. but i haven’t.

i don’t know why i can’t because i know that we would never date. even if we did we would not be comparable with eachother so i don’t know why i still think of you. i keep telling myself not to be weird around you or be mean to you (because apparently that’s how i flirt and i hate it)

Ughhhhhhh

- jen

[theevergreentreepress]

march sixteenth

i rode home from university with you today. the entire ride was agony because the car smelled of you the entire time and it’s starting to remind me of home. you smiled when i pestered you about something, it’s so easy to do that to you. you act like you get offended all the time and i love it. i love the back and forth that we always have and yet how we can have a normal conversation at the same time.

i honestly don’t know why i’m feeling like this, if you knew you would never speak to me again. i am not your type but you sure are mine. you are always there to support me when i get a bad exam grade and i will be forever grateful for that.

the other night when i said “apparently i have a thing for wannabe highschool teachers,” you caught my eyes in the rear view mirror and i saw the weird look you gave. i’m almost positive it was confusion. i’m probably one of the only ones who knows you want to be a teacher.

i know we will never be a thing so why am i continuing to thing like this?

“proud of you.”

- Jen

[theevergreentreepress]

december twelfth

(one month until my birthday, hey)

in the last thirty six hours, i have spent a total of seventeen of them sitting on the ground in the lobby of my floor studying for my macro final.

dont get me wrong, there are multiple couches in the lobby, i just felt like i studied better sitting on the floor. i brought a pillow out for my bum, don’t worry.

i have watched three movies and almost finished a tv show (high recommendations: passengers, jane the virgin, cloud atlas, and kingsman) in the last three days: that is the level of procrastination im at. i haven’t reached the cleaning level yet, but I’ll probably get there tomorrow because it needs to be done.

i have to be up in about six hours: my macro final is at seven thirty in the freaking morning. whoever schedules college finals is just asking for students to pull all nighters.

i know absolutely nothing about monetary and fiscal policy (which is 85% the final), but let’s be honest, with my limited knowledge, i could probably provide a better econonomic state for our country better than the current president

or maybe I’m just high off candy canes.

merry fugging christmas.

- jen

[theevergreentreepress]

december eleventh

so, it’s been exactly eleven months since i posted last. a lot has changed and let me fill you in on the major details:

- i turned eighteen

- i graduated from highschool on may nineteenth

- i left for Nepal on may twenty-first

- i had my first kiss on may thirty-first

- i arrived back into the states on june first

- i went to Disney World with the first kiss on june twenty-first

- i started college on august twenty first

- i had my first college finals on december eleventh

- i broke the streak i know

but you could say its been a year of firsts. both numerically and literally. These experiences over the last month have helped me grow so much as a person, far more than i could have ever imagined. i feel as if i am a completely different person than the one who wrote the last words of her high school career, which just so happened to be hopefully, something intelligent about Sophie’s World by Joestein Gaarder. it has been a year of firsts and lasts

the first time i turned eighteen was something to celebrate. i felt like my parents began to treat me more as an adult, not a teenage they once forbade from driving farther than five minutes away from home. this was, thankfully, the last time i will ever turn eighteen.

it was also the first and thankfully the i graduated from high school. i did not cry on the platform, and to be honest, so much has happened since then, i hardly remember it. i was so focused on the fact that i was leaving for Nepal the next day.

the first time i went to Nepal was such a dream come true. we had lots of bumps on the way, (ask me later: my favorite story to tell is how 3/11 if us ended up in Bangladesh) but we made it for an experience of a lifetime.

it was in Nepal on may thirty-first (although it was the twenty-ninth in the states because of the time difference) that i had my first kiss up on a roof top. it was with a man, who i still talk to to this day, who is twenty-four years old. definitely a first for both of us.

he took me to Disney World in june. what a romantic first date, i know. but before you get your hopes up, it just so happened that i was in Florida with family while he was close by visiting friends. it worked out for the benefit of both of use and i got a few kisses out of it.

the rest of the summer passes without much of anything happening. i hung out with friends and family as much as i could before moving away.

since starting college on august twenty-first, it has been a whirlwind of an adventure. maybe tomorrow night I’ll begin to share my stories from college, i would love to keep the memories for myself.

“hey siri: set a reminds for tomorrow to tell the evergreen tree about my firsts in college. hell, remind her to tell me to start a journal.”

- jen

[theevergreentreepress]

january fifteenth

Ive fallen back in love with reading. I guess technically, I never fell out of it, but I didn't do it as often as I had liked. It only takes one good book to get me back into the mood until I find something else and move on. Sitting at home all weekend will do something like this to ya, rediscovering old pastimes like watching travel vlogs and reading good books. They're as faithful as warm cups of bold coffee. My home for the weekend was my bed, the ice storm baring down on the city, canceling all my plans. But I'm not angry. I've rediscovered my past-time, immersing myself in a world that only exists in my imagination where I can paint the scenery for myself. - Jen

[theevergreentreepress]

I fell for you like autumn leaves And never faded ever green

beating heart

[theevergreentreepress]

january tenth

I would like to discuss something important to me. Not only is it something important to me, but I feel that it is also important to many. How did you decided where to go to college? It's day two of second semester, and at this point, I have no freaking clue. I'm lost in the pamphlets and e-letters of promises and possibilities; weighing the pros and cons on a scale that is only meant for those who have no clue what is going on. I feel as thought I'm on the bus to Timbuktu, going nowhere quickly. How am I supposed to decide where I want to spend the next four years of my life? It's something that I've never had to do before. Money was never an issue. Now, it's the elephant in the room that everyone refuses to address. Do I want to buy a Lamborghini, or sink my money into a higher education? Is college worth it? Everyone tells me "yes! Go to college. You will get that high paying job and pay off you student loans within four years!" Well but, what if I can't?