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my diary, my poets, my life in one tumblr welcome to the journey through the eyesofmyneedle

[theeyeofmyneedle]

I choose you and me Religiously

Under the moonlight, shadows walks me behind.

Recently, they've became my best companions without fail.

Count it as 9,461 miles has drifted by,

As my steps faded away,

"Do you miss the presence of mine, beneath the sky?"

All those "what ifs" linger in my head,

If I prayed more, would everything change instead?

Echoes in my mind say, "give it another try,"

Playing games, Forcing fates,

Cause the ghost in me wouldn’t let me lie.

But god's will remains, I couldn’t fights.

A night walk down a bustling street,

Reminds me of the times we used to meet.

2,681 days, was it truly worth the wait..?!

Call your name in every prayer,

Begging for you to always be there.

Counting the steps, wondering when,

Will this weight on my chest ease, my heavy breath mend?

Heal this broken heart once again.

There’s a time to stop seeking, to stop figure it out,

Some questions don’t have answers.

In silence, sometimes, we find closure.

They say what’s meant for you will be yours,

and what's not belongs to you won’t reverse the course.

If it’s never been yours, God’s plans...

is better than we can devine.

6624.25624.4724

[ncutii-gatwa]

TAYLOR SWIFT The Eras Tour — Las Vegas, Nevada (March 24, 2023)

[theeyeofmyneedle]

What is my fault?? Why did I go like this huh?

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Little Mix says "Love Me or Leave Me"

I'd rather to choose please leave me here all alone. I just want you to leave from my head like forever. Its really hurt to remember. My heart aching and i dont like to see all of your photo and story and all of those stuff.

That's hurting. So. Bad.

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Remember this time.

Selalu mikir apa ini yg namanya toxic relationship? Gak cuma sama pasangan tapi sama keadaan sekitar. Ketika lagi down walau bukan +C, gak ada yg perhatian dan offer help itu sangat menyakitkan ternyata. Kalau sekarang +C sudah kirim kirim makanan, kirim obat, kirim bantuan, kirim message, kirim uang dll. Mungkin karena saya tak punya siapa-siapa atau karena memang saya yang terlalu berharap menerima yg sudah pernah saya berikan? Memang benar kata-kata memberi tanpa menerima, tapi saya malah berharap seperti itu. Yha.. Apapun itu memang harus terjadi seperti itu.

Jika dipikir saat itu sedih juga, ucapan "get well soon" dan doain cepet sembuh yg bahkan dari orang jauh aja udah bikin nangis (terharu) padahal gak kenal-kenal banget.

Menyesal? Ya ngga juga, buktinya sampai sekarang masih bersama.. Yhaa mungkin saya hanya terlalu sensitif, terlalu melankolis, terlalu berekspektasi lebih. Memang manusia tak boleh berekspektasi dengan sesama manusia.

Doa saya, semoga selalu sehat krn saya tak punya "support system" lain selain keluarga. Tapi punyanya yang bikin overthinking dan selalu buat kecewa, buat saya selalu mengalah.

Jadi apakah ini yang dinamakan toxic relationship? Atau justu saya yang toxic dalam menghadapi keadaan?

Apapun itu terima kasih 2019 - 2021, kau mengajarkanku bahwa yang dekat belum tentu hangat dan yang terlihat sayang ternyata hanya sebuah bayang-bayang.

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Back to December (my version)

I'm so glad you stayed in our concall

How's life? Tell 'em how's a new job

I haven't heaed you in ages

You've been good, busier than ever

We small talk, back to our room call

You wanna hung up, cause I know why

Because the last time you saw me

We almost had a very big fight

You wipe all my tears, but I left you out behind.

So this is me mumbling my voice

Standin' across your call wanna say "I'm sorry for that night"

And I just frozen back there all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you

Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you're around

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright.

I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't even text.

Then I think about that night and your little white lies

You left your bike there just to walked me home

And realized I love you in last call

And then the cold came, the dark days

When you're double crossed my mind.

You give me all your words and now you left me, no goodbye.

So this is me mumbling my voice

Standin' in across your call sayin' I need you from the start

And I go back to December all the time

I wrote long letters ain't nothin' but missin' you

Wishin' I'd realized what I had before you're gone

I'd go back to December, turn around and chase what once mine

I go back to December all the time

I miss your pale skin, your warmth smile

So good to me, so right

And when we making promises that december night

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinkin'

Probably mindless dreamin'

But if I had a chance, I swear I'd loved you first

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't

So if you're gone and find your own way, I understand

This is me swallowin' my pride

Standin' in front of you sayin' I love you since that night.

But its too late

I wrote long letters ain't nothin' but missin' you

Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you're around

I'd go back to December, turn around and making it right.

I'd go back to December, turn around and chase what once mine.

I go back to December all the time

All the time

5.12.2021 (right a year ago)

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Feel alone and dont know what to do

[theeyeofmyneedle]

setidaknya sudah mengungkapkan apa yg ingin diungkapkan

tak perlu lagi mempertanyakan apa

yang selama ini kau pertanyaakan dalam benak hatimu

di luar apa yg dilakukan ini benar atau salah,

jujur atau bohong

setidaknya hati ini tak akan terus menerka nerka

walau kau tau kecewa mendengarnya namun itu yg terjadi

tak akan lagi menyalahkan diri sendiri dan orang lain

dan inilah saatnya memaafkan dirimu

merelakan apa yang harus direlakan

meninggalkan semua perasaan yg tersisa

sebentar lagi berganti kehidupan

itu semua akan menjadi kenangan

saatnya melupakan apa yg harus dilupakan

tak perlu merasa bersalah hadir diantaranya

sudah, cukup ya.. jangan lagi ada yg mengganjal

biarkan mereka bahagia

kaupun berhak bahagia

doakan saja yg terbaik untuk semua

kalau memang takdir sudah menuliskan seperti itu

kau tak punya pilihan lain selain menerima

suatu saat kau membuka halaman itu

kau bisa belajar bahwa merelakan adalah jalan terbaik

karena masih ada lembaran lain yg belum kau baca

[theeyeofmyneedle]

I supposed to focuss on me, myself and i

But I think about you and cant get rid of it.

[theeyeofmyneedle]

but you stuck out in the same old storm again.

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Kadang cerita sama sahabat yang justru gak ada di samping kita nan jauh di mato justru bikin hati lebih lega. Bisa leluasa manggil nama orang yang diceritain, ngomong kasar dan gak takut di judge.

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Salah percaya sama orang. Gak sedih sih cuma kecewa aja.

Terima kasih udah bikin gue buka mata

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Well I think it doesnt really matter.

Detik ini lagi merasakan "God give you what you need not what you want"

Baru kali ini sadar, selama ini apa yang dicari?

Pasangan? Yang tak pernah ada dan hanya menjadi perasaan sesaat. Merasakan bahagia hanya sesaat, kadang tidak merasakan kalau memang he is the one. Kadang masih merasakan sendiri, merasakan incomplete dan lebih banyak memendam perasaan ini. Clichè memang, tapi sebahagia bahagia dengan dia ternyata tak mampu menyaingi kebahagiaan bersama orangtua dan keluarga.

Pernah ada yg bilang kalau, aku sangat sayang dengan orangtua dan keluarga. Sampai membuatku frustasi dan stress memikirkan jika suatu saat aku kehilangan mereka semua. Dan akhirnya sampai dititik ini aku menyadari kalau aku tak mungkin selamanya bersama mereka, i just have me.

I am not saying its not true. Tapi kenapa tidak menghabiskan waktu bersama mereka selagi masih ada kesempatan. I am afraid too and think the way you used to think, tapi aku ga mau kehilangan begitu saja.

Sesekali ada momen dimana aku lebih memilih "teman" daripada keluarga. Tapi perasaan terburuk saat keluargaku bilang, jangan terlalu sering telpon dengan temen kamu. Kamu sakit mereka juga ga ada yang perduli. Dang. It is true.

Ketika aku sakit dan bahkan masuk ke rumah sakit yang bahkan dekat dengan mereka, tapi tidak ada satupun yang menjenguk. They just chat "get well really soon".

Bahkan ada satu yang tetap chat, telling that she worried about me but at the end she just need a someone to listen to her life. What a selfish. Dan bodohnya tetap ku dengar.

Aku tak mau sakit lagi. Jangankan dikirimi macam macam treats, beberapa hari tanpa aku disana saja mereka bisa lupa adanya keberadaanku.

Bahkan, seseorang yang ku anggap dapat kupercaya. Tetap menusukku, mengataiku badut dan beper. Hehe tak apa, justru karena kamu, aku yang bodoh mulai mengetahui bahwa aku salah memilih seseorang yang ku percaya berada disampingku.

Tak perlu perang dingin, cukup ku hentikan dengan caraku, mencoha memaafkan diri sendri walau kadang masih tetap teringat.

Tapi dari semua itu, aku baru sadar bahwa keluargaku yang paling mencintaiku. Walau pasti ada saatnya kesal, tapi mereka sangat mengkhawatirkanku, menjagaku saat sakit dan tidak pernah meninggalkanku sedetikpun.

I don't know how people get mad at their family for so long.

Beberapa mungkin merasa keluarga tidak baik untuknya, but please when you feel this way dont force others to feel the same way. I know you got a lot of happiness out there, without your family and i know that you deserve to be happy too. But please, mind our own business.

Sekarang banyak berita duka dimana mana. I dont want to feel it too. Aku tak punya pasangan, tak punya teman baik, aku mohon supaya aku tak kehilangan keluargaku.

Hanya itulah permohonanku saat ini.

Cause I just have me and my family. Thats it.

And Im grateful for it.

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Lets celebrate and enjoy every single moment with my family.

[quotemadness]

“It is sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.”

— Henry Rollins

[theeyeofmyneedle]

Back to where it used to be 😊

[theeyeofmyneedle]

❤❤❤❤❤