Saved, by Jesus.

I decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. Snippets of my life with gHSV 1, HS, PCOS, CPTSD, Major Depression, & Social Anxiety. ***Trigger Warning***

[thefallfromgrace]

I finally decided to go to the doctor cause I really am tired of these break outs. I think it’s herpes being a bitch, but my doctor thinks it’s yeast. She took a swab of the affected area (that shit hurted btw) and ran a culture on it. Then it came back negative and she told me she’s giving me an antifungal cream regardless. So now we playing this game ‘rule out all options’ cause it’s not like I got herpes 🙄… which is a skin condition. But I digress, I'ma let her do her job.

[thefallfromgrace]

Soooo she was right 🤣🤦 I’ve been healed ever since.

[thefallfromgrace]

Years later, come to find out I have Hidradenitis suppurativa gentially as well as Herpes. Everything for years has been so inaccurate trying to get these issues resolved.  Time to add a new health condition to the party.

[thefallfromgrace]

Update to the update [ Sep 09 2024].

None of the above mentioned conditions were the skin issue, maybe secondary to the main problem. I had intertrigo, which is an inflammatory skin condition. I had it for years and it started causing havoc lasting for several years; I’m so thankful for a correct diagnosis.

[thefallfromgrace]

I finally decided to go to the doctor cause I really am tired of these break outs. I think it’s herpes being a bitch, but my doctor thinks it’s yeast. She took a swab of the affected area (that shit hurted btw) and ran a culture on it. Then it came back negative and she told me she’s giving me an antifungal cream regardless. So now we playing this game ‘rule out all options’ cause it’s not like I got herpes 🙄… which is a skin condition. But I digress, I'ma let her do her job.

[thefallfromgrace]

Soooo she was right 🤣🤦 I’ve been healed ever since.

[thefallfromgrace]

Years later, come to find out I have Hidradenitis suppurativa gentially as well as Herpes. Everything for years has been so inaccurate trying to get these issues resolved.  Time to add a new health condition to the party.

[thefallfromgrace]

I’m not sure if I am truly un-attracted to men anymore or if its a response from the trauma. I find myself being more attracted to women, but I’m not really sure if its genuine.

[thefallfromgrace]

Idea of having sex eventually, scares me. I’m out of touch with my body. I’m nervous of my reactions. I’m afraid to touch and be touched. I’m utterly terrified. I’ve lost all my confidence with no real understanding of how to get it back. I wonder how long this will last. Nevertheless, I am not in a rush. There’s no pressure to become sexually active again. I just don’t know what to expect, if and when I try again.

[thefallfromgrace]

There are times when I forget I have herpes. Everything feels so normal, so regular, so peaceful. I don’t really think about it until relationships and sex are brought up. I still feel hopeless. I’ve been single for almost 4 years now and I’m barely more hopeful than I was four years ago. I can still feel the pain, I can still hear his words ringing thru my ears, I’m still aching in pain as if it was yesterday. So many yesterdays have passed and the intensity of the pain still remains the same. Dagger after dagger, blow after blow. I have to sit here and wonder if there is anywhere lower I can go.

I threw some of my dreams away. I threw some of my passion to the side. I lost all my hope when I thought I would die. I’m alive, but am I really living? I gave up the desire to have a husband and children. I’ve strayed away from sex and any type of intimacy. Always in a mood where I’d rather be to myself so please don’t talk to me. There’s so many reasons... My whole world has changed and I don’t know if this is positive growth or if this is alarming. My detachment from people alarms me because only I know the severity.

I’m an unhealed wound. But instead of it healing, it keeps festering and re-opening. There’s no improvement, just time and medication. Where do I go from here? What do I want from this point? How do I ease the pain of such a deep and unsealed wound? Between this pain of having herpes and the trauma of being raped, I don’t know how much I can take. I hope that one day I can fix it, everything.

[thefallfromgrace]

Is there an end? 😣

From my trauma history, I expect triggers to arise but some of them I would have never expected. The most unexpected trigger is me. I can be my own trigger. Not by words, thoughts or actions... but my body. It’s been a weird realization but I noticed it when I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, I have to look up or directly forward when getting un/dressed. Seeing my body is a trigger, and I’m not sure if it’s a trigger I can overcome.

[thefallfromgrace]

Home is not where the heart is

I’m only like this when I’m at home, in my parent’s house. Yes, I have nightmares, panic attacks, flash backs, avoidance, and depression any other time. But when I’m at home my anxiety levels kick up three notches. It’s been years, but I’m still facing the aftermath of the sexual abuse from my childhood and living through that ptsd.

Sometimes it’s hard to maintain everything when everyone is looking. I really wish I had my own space, some privacy so I can cry and lie alone. I’m used to having my own place, far far away. Being composed and not being able to express your true feelings and thoughts 24/7 is hard on anyone. I know why I’m so high-alert, I know why my brain thinks I’m in danger. 

He’s here.

The boy who sexually abused me lives here too. Well, technically I live with them now. And no matter how long it has been since the last assault, I can’t live in peace... atleast not here. It’s been eight years since the last time he put his hands on me and for six years of my life I endured sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse from him. It took me years to build self esteem, value, and respect for myself. To begin to trust myself, again. I never actually fixed any of it... I’m still trying to figure it out.

I panic every night. I think too much. I flashback as footsteps pass my door. I cry as I jolt from my nightmares. Am I ok? No. Will I be? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if I can continue to live in this environment. When I left home to go to college, I ran. I ran as far as I could from the abuse, poverty, and toxicity of my childhood environment. I left so much behind to feel safe, to be in peace, to build up myself and my life. It might be time to leave again.

[thefallfromgrace]

Un-escape-able

It’s been a while since my last sexual assault and herpes break out, they almost slipped my mind. I got so caught up around the holidays and among people, it’s like I lived a little and broke off a few shackles in my mind. It worked for a while, now this whole “social” thing is really draining.

I find myself with these moments alone being drowned in my thoughts and worries. I lay here alone and remember everything that felt so distant in my mind and in time. It’s hard being here feeling alone with a house full of people. It’s hard being here when my depression kicks in and I start to shut down. It’s hard being here when I panic every time I think someone’s entering my bedroom. It’s hard being here when I have nightmares and panic attacks. It’s hard being here when their words sting and hit triggers to trauma. It’s hard to be here when they don’t really know... me.

Herpes kicked in for the first time in a while. It was a short episode, but I couldn’t help but cry and be reminded of how I got it in the first place, what it meant for my future, and what I need to do in the present. I was reminded of how I use to be 4 years ago and I hope not to go back to the person I was. Maybe one day I’ll become the person I want to be... maybe.

[thefallfromgrace]

I contracted genital hsv1 after my boyfriend unknowingly ate me out with a cold sore and I was wondering what my chances of infecting him genitally through vaginal sex were??

Knowing you have it is the most important part. As long as you are aware of your body and practice safe sex, I would say the chances of you passing it to him are low. On the other hand, I’ve heard once a person has hsv, they cannot get the same strand in a different location (oral/genital). However, I cannot confirm or deny the validity of this statement.

[thefallfromgrace]

Somewhere along the way I detached from my closest friend. It’s hard to find someone to talk to when you don’t really have friends in the first place. I am reminded that I can still be selfish even when I think I’m being considerate, that I’m quick to share my pain with them without checking in on their wellbeing, that all I have to talk to is myself without them.

Y’all will probably see me around here more often. Unless I wanna talk to myself but I’m not sure how that will work out. Until next time peeps! ✌🏾

[thefallfromgrace]

I remember believing

I wasn’t enough...

I wasn’t smart...

I wasn’t beautiful...

I wasn’t... well, anything

But a failure

These negative thoughts instilled in me as a child

The decisions I made to prove them wrong were sometimes wild

You told me I would be hoeing in the streets at 12

I would be pregnant at 16

...that I wouldn’t make it pass 18

No matter what happened you were convinced I was a liar

I was nothing

I would never be with anyone

And if they chose to be with me...

Well, they were fucking dumb

You were my oppressor before I knew what an oppressor was

You were the poison in my heart,

The pollution in my brain

The devil on my should in this world filled with pain

You were toxic...

To the point where I could never love or find the value in myself

The fangs you stuck in me were too deep

I was dying...slowly from the inside out

My mind and my heart died first

My spirit soon passed

But somehow I managed to continue on

Even though I thought I couldn’t keep withstanding those blasts

[thefallfromgrace]

It’s been over a year since I had an outbreak. Up until this point, I was super worried and wondered if I could really make it this long. But to my surprise, it’s been easier. Herpes doesn’t take as much of a physical toll on me like it used to. I’m pretty proactive about what’s going on with my body so things get alleviated relatively quickly. I remember the physical strain it had on my body and I’m happy to know that I can/will continue to get pass that challenge. It would hurt to walk, my skin would be inflamed I’d look like i had polish sausages for lips, I had terrible hyperpigmentation, my body would ache and hurt. I remember sitting at the window crying as people passed by wishing I could be ‘normal’ again, wishing I could walk regular, be who I use to be.

Now the only thing that weighs on me about herpes is my mental and emotional battle in dating, sex, kids, self esteem, and how I contracted it. It’s definitely been hard navigating these spaces, I don’t feel ready but I know that I need to move forward. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’ll find or deserve anything of these things. I don’t know where to start or if I’ll ever finish because i have such a complicated and intertwining history.

[thefallfromgrace]

Some point before I was raped, I knew I wasn’t safe anymore

Some point before clothes were being pulled off and I was lying naked on the floor

Some point between penetration and anxiety, I knew he was just like the rest of them

[thefallfromgrace]

I chose to live my life alone-ish. I have 1 friend, 2 acquaintances, and a dog, and sometimes I don’t even feel like I deserve any of them. We have hollow conversations occasionally and we hang out once a month or not at all. My dog is always around and I’m not sure if adopting her was a good idea because I truly feel like I am going to let her down. I needed something outside of myself to help give purpose and value to my life, and adopting a dog doesn’t seem to be the answer.

Sometimes I regret isolating myself because I don’t have anyone to understand me at my lowest points, it’s just me and the dog. Sometimes I miss having genuine friends and relationships because it does get lonesome around here. Nevertheless, I stand by my decision. There’s no point in forming these relationships and shit when you don’t want to live frl anyway. I dont’ really want or feel like being alive, but I don’t feel like committing suicide either. What am I? Stuck, I’m just fucking stuck.

[thefallfromgrace]

Some days I forget...

I let herpes define me. I let my pain and trauma define me. I let the world define me. Everyone has a say, but me.

I remember taking this picture and feeling so insecure. I’m not as lean as I use to be. I’m not as outgoing or sociable as before. I’m not who everyone thought I should be.

But here I am... going out with my friends, free balling with a herpes legion or two, mild discomfort but trying to actually live my life.

Shout out to me for getting out, for getting up, for trying to keep moving forward. Depression almost had me, sadness almost got me, regret almost caught me, but I decided to go smile for a while. I’d see them later anyway. And if you’ve ever felt like this too, then shout out to you!

Here’s to being beautiful 🍻. Here’s to growth 🎊. Here’s to finding you 👏🏾!

[thefallfromgrace]

I finally decided to go to the doctor cause I really am tired of these break outs. I think it’s herpes being a bitch, but my doctor thinks it’s yeast. She took a swab of the affected area (that shit hurted btw) and ran a culture on it. Then it came back negative and she told me she’s giving me an antifungal cream regardless. So now we playing this game ‘rule out all options’ cause it’s not like I got herpes 🙄… which is a skin condition. But I digress, I'ma let her do her job.

[thefallfromgrace]

Soooo she was right 🤣🤦 I've been healed ever since.

[thefallfromgrace]

Empty

I feel so numb. I feel off, everything feels off. I lost my voice, I'm speaking so quietly so timidly. I look around so nervously and insecure.

Flying back home I pass through TSA and the man asks me to remove my jacket. I felt so uneasy like everyone could see what happened to me last night, like they could see the hickey he left on my breast. I took the jacket off slowly and felt violated instantly.

I told him no a million times and he never listened. I pushed and pulled away from him a thousand times but he never stopped. Then he had the nerve to tell me he enjoyed it and ask me if I enjoyed it as well. He told me don't be worried about feeling embarrassed about him seeing my body, feeling regretful for having sex with him, or him thinking I'm easy.

I was so tired, so numb, so weak. I didn't have the energy to tell him I have herpes. I didn't have the energy to say anything. And even when he realized that I was upset and wanted to leave, he made me stay and tried to make me feel better by having sex with me ...like I didn't say no before.

I just want to be home already.