Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 60.2
Narrator POV:
Destaniâs eyes rolled for what felt like the thousandth time, maybe. Her head was starting to hurt, her bottom had been hurting, and she was completely drained. But she didnât want to shut her eyes for too long and miss the announcement that her niece was here!
âDez, I know you hear my stomach growling. Come go with me down to the cafeteria⌠Iâm starving!â Tameka whined in her ear. Because of Destaniâs evident attitude, she refrained from turning around and slapping her friend⌠she didnât have time for an all-out brawl in the middle of the waiting room.
âMeka, itâs a whole entire bag of snacks Auntie brought right there. Eat that and calm down.â
Destani said, watching as Tameka huffed as hard as she could, slamming herself back into her seat even harder⌠and she rolled her eyes so damn hard Destani thought they would pop out of her head. So dramatic.
âStop being a cry baby, Meeks.â Destani rolled her eyes yet again at the sound of Kendrickâs voice⌠where was this guy for the past ten minutes his girlfriend had been complaining?
âUhâŚâ Meka sat up in her seat and pressed the tips of the fingers of her right hand into her chest, âI know you not talking to me.â
âNah baby, come on nowâŚâ Kendrick chuckled, nervously at that. Destani giggled at the sound⌠âheâs such a bitch when it comes to herâ she thought.
âBoy donât nah baby me! You need to be worried about why your woman is sitting up in this stale waiting room in this uncomfortable seat, starving to death⌠and get out my business!â She fussed.
âMeka you know darn well you need to chill out. Itâs too early for all them shenanigans now⌠each a nutrigrain bar and chill yo boisterous behind out!â Dontay snapped. He sat in the row across from Tameka and Destani swore sheâd just seen him knocked out two seconds ago. His sudden outburst clearly disturbed Tawny who was curled up at his side, sleeping her damn self. She sat up with a confused look on her face, a deep red indention in her right cheek, and the right side of her curly hair meshed against her head⌠Destani couldnât help but laugh.
âIf all of yaâll donât calm down! Dontay is absolutely right⌠itâs too early for all this fussing. Tameka, baby⌠eat a damn nutrigrain bar and zip it, alright.â Everyoneâs eyes bucked over to Ms. Joyce and that time, Destani had to slap a hand over my mouth to keep her laughter down. She knew it was early and she was probably on edge about her grandbaby, but geez⌠no one had ever heard her snap like that!
Tameka frowned and for a few seconds she looked like sheâd really gotten her feelings hurt, but she certainly did exactly what Mama said and shut her damn mouth and took that nutrigrain bar.
Theyâd all been cooped up in the waiting room down the hall from Syâs room for what felt like all of eternity and obviously everybody and they mama, literally, was getting extremely impatient. The best part about it was that they werenât far from Syâs room and they did get the entire space to themselves⌠seeing as they took up so much room.
After a while of sitting there, butt numbing in the most irritating way, Destani swore she could hear the faint cry of a baby. Staring down at the floor and squinting with concentration, she figured for a moment that the cry could have belonged to any baby because they were indeed in the middle of a maternity ward. But the sudden feeling of joy creeping through her chest told her that wasnât just any baby⌠that was Cailah! She gasped and snatched her head up to face Mama Joyce, ready to scream out that the baby was here, but she was already grinning from ear to ear because clearly she knew too.
âYaâll hear that?â Tameka asked, sitting up in her seat. And just as Destani opened her mouth to respond, there was a sudden commotion that rendered them all speechless. The noise came from the same hall as Syâs room, so of course a few of them immediately hopped up from their seats to go find out what was going on.
âWhatâs wrong with her? Hope, wake up⌠wake her up⌠now!â Destani damn near stopped in her tracks at the bone chilling sound of his voice⌠Chrisâs voice. Except, he didnât sound like Chris. Ms. Cynthia, Mama Joyce, Diana, and Syâs dad all rounded the corner first and thatâs when Destani realized something was terribly wrong. There were a few nurses who had Chris pinned against the wall directly across from Syâs room and not a single one of them looked like they had him fully restrained, at all. But what did he even need to be restrained for⌠what happened?
âTell me whatâs wrong with her! HOPE⌠WAKE UP!â He barked, snatching his left arm out of a male nurseâs hand. He swung his hand back around and pushed the man away from him, sending him flying several feet away and landing on his back.
âWHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER!â He continued to scream and Destaniâs brisk walk finally slowed to an intimidated teeter as she watched one of her best friends since child hood morph into someone sheâd never seen before in her life. The veins in this boyâs neck bulged with the strength of a body builder, his face was so red she thought he would start bleeding right through his skin, and his eyes⌠were the exact opposite of their normal golden brown, they were almost black.
âWhat the hell is going on?â Hopeâs dadâs voice was the first that could actually be distinguished over the rumble of chaos breaking out in the hallway. He somehow managed to zip past everyone bustling in the hallway and flew toward Chris, swiftly taking the place of the nurse who still laid out on the floor like heâd just been shot. Ms. Cynthia and Diana joined him, crowding around Chris who failed to make eye contact with anyone around him. His stare remained one with the now closed door of Syâs room and he sucked in air so desperately it really looked like his chest would cave in at any minute.
âOh God, I don⌠I donât know. Lord, I donât know whatâs happening!â The girls all turned to find Aunt Maddie lingering near the closed door, her entire face saturated with tears.
âMadison, what is going on? What happened in there? Is everything alright with SyâDiyah and the baby?â Diana asked, approaching Aunt Maddie and gripping her by her shoulders.
âI donât know. Diana⌠I donât know. She wasnât responding.â
âWho wasnât responding? Sy or the baby?â
âSyâDiyah!â
The hall flooded with gasps of shock, Diana pulled Auntie forward and embraced her when it seemed like her legs completely gave out, and Chris hollered louder.
âGET THE FUCK OFF ME! GET OFF ME!â At this point the boys all flew forward to assist with the maniac that was he, but even with a crowd of his family and closest friends surrounding him, he still wasnât backing down.
Chris grunted and screamed, and lost himself⌠he completely lost himself in that hallway, and thatâs when it hit Destani. He wasnât even himself. She didnât know much about his disorders⌠all she knew were the few minor details Sy had shared with her. And she knew about the tantrums heâd have when he would get angry as a kid. But never in her life would she have imagined this.
âGet off me, please God⌠get off of me!â His head slammed back against the wall and he cried so hard, it made Destani cry. She hated to see him this way and she hated even more that SyâDiyah wasnât here to bring him back to himself. He was here, right here in the hallway flinging people away from him like they were ants, but he wasnât here⌠Chris was nowhere to be found.
âBaby, listen to me.â Ms. Joyce finally crept through the scene and even she looked weary to get too close to her enraged son, âLook at me Chris.â
His whole damn body was trembling and his face was sweating, but his concentration on the door ahead never wavered⌠until Ms. Joyce got just close enough to gently lay a hand against his face.
âChristopher, look at me.â Something about her voice or her touch grabbed just an inch of his attention and his ominous eyes finally dropped to her.
âDo you hear me?â She asked, gripping onto his face with both hands now. He nodded once to acknowledge her, but his harsh breathing never slowed down and his body continued to tremble.
âDonât you take your eyes off me, okay?â She demanded. Somehow, Ms. Joyce managed to stay as calm as she was with the amount of tears she was crying. He followed her instructions though and kept his unblinking eyes glued to her, even as she carefully raised her left hand and the needle that was in it up to his arm. The girls all huddled together a few feet away from the chaos, stunned by the sight of that needle jabbing into his skin. It was a sedative. Ms. Joyce had been equipped with it the day Chris was released from the institute and instructed to only use it in severe circumstances⌠and this, was an extremely severe circumstance.
His body seemed to suddenly shudder and quake, then suddenly the fight was over. He stopped flailing, stopped putting up a fight against anyone in his near vicinity, everything just stopped. From the left they could hear more commotion, hospital security rushing along to regulate the situation.
âWhatâs going on here?â A tall dark chocolate man spoke, frowning at the sight of one of the employees just now being assisted back up onto his feet by Rashad. A shorter Hispanic man was with him and he too frowned the more he scoped the scene, taking in the sight of what looked to be an unconscious man pressed up against a wall with multiple people keeping him pinned there. No one immediately volunteered to speak up and explain an incident that still didnât make much sense to the surrounding spectators, until Ms. Joyce turned to face them with swollen and moist eyes.
âOfficer⌠everything is fine.â
Omniscient:
Is there such a place where no one exists? Where pain is not pain, love is not love, beauty is not beauty, the heart does not beat, there is no spirit, there is no soul⌠but rather, one is not dead? Is there a place where chaos, turmoil, hate, violence, crime⌠cease to exist, but one is not in heaven? There are no walls, there is no ceiling, no floor for gravity to weigh you down upon, no air for one to breathe⌠but, one still lives within? There is a place, only⌠it is too far to touch with the hand of man. And yet, it is so close that it surrounds us constantly, short of our knowledge.
There is a bed here, in this place, and a woman who bores life, she exists on that bed⌠but only her, no one else. She grunts and groans with a feeling, a sensation, that cannot be determined because here⌠feelings and sensations do not exist. There is an extraordinary occurrence happening within that space and between that woman and that bed. She is granting life to another, who will surely go on to exist⌠in a world where there is air to breathe, water to bathe and drink, life to live. But she, that woman⌠does she exist?
It was her, Hope, and only that bed. And now, only one other being⌠her child, that she bore all alone, with no feelings or sensations⌠because they do not exist. The child was there, between her legs on that bed and crying out into the world that was nothing. But as if bound to that bed by ropes and chains that did not exist in this place, Hope stared at her⌠hopeless⌠motionless. But she wept, silently, emotionally, and without expression as she stared⌠and the child cried.
âShe is chaos and beauty intertwined. A tornado of roses from divine. She is your daughter⌠the loveliest little person youâve ever known.â
A gasp that could not be heard fled Hopeâs lips and her eyes danced upward, into the nothing. No one was there, but her and her child, but the voice was so distinct⌠she could feel it against her skin like a cool wind on a brisk day.
âGrandchild to me, she is⌠such a beauty.â
She could feel the voice in her bones, igniting her with some type of feeling⌠but, she had none. She could not speak, could not move a muscle, could not breathe⌠but she inhaled, somehow. âWhat is this? Whoâs there?â
âMy darling⌠my honey. I hear your fear. I feel your fear. But fear, you must not.â She hadnât spoken⌠hadnât said a word. But her cobalt eyes wept in silence, her blushed cheeks catching her tears and releasing them to her chest.
Her chest⌠covered by golden tresses cascading in thick waves down to her waist. She was naked, as was the child. âWhoâs there?â
This voice, it swirled all around her and made her feel warm⌠and safe⌠even in this land of nothing. But she wanted to know who it belonged to. Who lived in her mind and plucked her thoughts without her consent?
Her eyes danced all about, and her head may or may not have moved from left to right⌠but she was surrounded by such dense nothing, and the feeling of no sensation overwhelmed her so⌠she could not determine whether she moved at all.
And there, at her feet, near the end of the bed appeared a swirl. It whirled about for a while, hypnotizing her in a way that her eyes could no longer blink. And from that mystic swirl, was a woman born. She was a beautiful woman, stunning in a way that Hope had never witnessed. Her hair was like water, even more golden than Hopeâs own, and flowed continuously against the womanâs shoulders. Her eyes were a bright ice blue, and they were strong and demanding, yet too intimidating to hold onto for long. Her skin glowed as though sheâd bathed in a sea of glitter and it would make even the most flawless woman envious. This woman⌠she was captivating.
She stood there at the end of the bed, smiling down at the whimpering baby, who writhed between Hopeâs legs helplessly.
âSuch a beauty.â She repeated in a voice just as captivating as her entire aura. She lifted her ice blue stare from the baby and it landed on Hope, who seemed to tremble from the intensity. There seemed to be an almost permanent smile on the womanâs face that reached something within Hope, something that aided her to breathe and feel at ease.
âWho are you?â
She felt calm, at ease in the womanâs presence and filled with an overwhelming sensation⌠love, perhaps? But⌠could that exist in the land of nothing? And somehow, whoever this woman was, she was such an almighty existence that she was able to exist there at the end of the bed⌠as well as in Hopeâs thoughts.
âYou are awfully strong, you know? In the heart, the body, and the mind. You remind me so much of myself.â
âWhat is this place?â Hope wanted answers and for some reason, the woman was refusing to give her any. It was as though she could interpret her thoughts, but it was impossible for her to respond directly.
âIt is what you make of it,â Slowly and gracefully the woman reached down and forward to scoop the naked child into her arms and that alone ceased the whimpers altogether, âBut, my child, you must strive to overcome this existence. For it is not your existence.â
My child⌠what did she mean by, my child? Gazing at the ice blue eyed beauty, Hope couldnât deny an overpowering feeling of familiarity. And if she didnât know any better, sheâd say the woman looked like a replica of herself. But she did know better. Because the woman, and this place, did not exist.
âYou must find the courage to go back to him⌠for, this time, he will not survive in your absence.â The woman floated around a few feet away from the bed, staring down at the child cradled quietly in the crook of her arm. Her smile never wavered⌠the little girl looked exactly like him. She hadnât cracked those tiny eyes open yet, but the woman had an inkling that she would possess the same shade of blue as herself⌠and Hope.
Her eyes remained one with this perfect woman as she rounded the edge of the bed and stood graciously at her side. Lifting her head, she gazed down upon the young woman lying there, quivering in her skin. There were tear stains coating her cheeks, though she now looked completely at ease. The womanâs smile dimmed slowly and without the young girlâs knowledge, she lifted a hand to her cheek and gently grazed the tips of her fingers against her warm skin. Hope gasped, aloud this time, and failed to even blink as she stared up into those harsh eyes magnetically.
âMy child⌠here you are, in a place where you do not belong. I wish that I could keep you here, all to myself, and stare at your beauty for all of eternity. But this is not your destiny⌠this is not your home. You must go, be with him. He is for you and you for he.â
The stains that once coated her skin were moistened once more by the tears that flowed carelessly down her cheeks. This woman gripped onto Hopeâs chin with such a delicate touch⌠a motherâs touch. She gasped, yet again, and again the womanâs smile returned.
âI love you, my child,â With ease and care she lowered the child into Hopeâs awaiting lap and leaned down to meet the skin of her forehead with her lips, âNow go.â
Hope
6lbs, 3oz, 19in.
All ten fingers, all ten toes.
Head full of slick, dark hair.
Dark colored eyes and I wasnât sure what color they would eventually end up.
That addicting âbabyâ smell that Iâd been warned of, time and time again, filling my nostrils.
I was utterly in love with Cailah Faith Brown⌠she was absolutely perfect. Before this day, I donât know if I ever really knew love⌠not like the love I felt the exact moment I reached down between my own legs and touched my child, pulled her right out into her final destination. Feeling her tiny body in my grasp and pulling her up onto my chest, her head right against my left breast so that the first sound sheâd ever know was the last sound sheâd heard for nine months⌠my heartbeat. Hearing her cry the perfect cry that I could honestly admit, I wouldnât mind hearing for the rest of forever.
And when I awoke from an emergency surgery to remove my placenta and Dr. Zeeta herself personally placed my swaddled baby in my arms, I cried like Iâd never cried before. After Dr. Zeeta made sure I was stabilized and strong enough to do so, she left Cailah and I alone for one hour⌠our golden hour. I obviously didnât get my hour immediately after giving birth, but that was okay⌠it was all okay. I was here now, with my baby, and for this hour⌠no one else mattered.
I stared down at her pleasantly sleeping face and wondered, how on earth could I create something so magnificent. What did I do to deserve this little girl? God, Iâd never known this love.
âHi mamaâs baby.â I cooed, washing the edge of my right index finger delicately over her plump rosy cheek. I was so completely amazed and transfixed by her⌠she was honestly more than I ever could have imagined. I still couldnât even fully feel my legs from the epidural, but I was assured that that would wear off soon. Pushing myself up further as best I could, I kept my eyes on my little prize and grinned at the sight of her tiny face contorting as I moved.
âOooh what is that face?â I giggled, watching her face settle again, âMommyâs sorry baby.â
I was so infatuated with her, I wanted to lay her on the bed in front of me and unswaddle her, just so I could stare at every inch of her to make sure she was really mine. I settled for pushing her pink hat back just enough to satisfy my urge to stare at her hair. I wasnât just saying it because she was mine⌠this little girl was seriously perfect. Her hair was so divine and it swirled all over her head, I couldnât help but wonder how I didnât suffer from heartburn throughout the pregnancy because it was just that much of it. Just like her eyes, I couldnât tell what color her tresses would be, but I had to remember⌠I had the rest of forever to find out.
I smiled and tugged the hat back into its rightful place over her perfectly shaped head. This felt so⌠right. This moment, right now, shared only between my daughter and I⌠was right. There was an indescribable emotion brewing in my heart and it left the muscular organ feeling like it would simply explode. I was filled to the brim with joy and love and infatuation and I knew that I never wanted this moment to end⌠I never wanted this feeling to go away.
I was meant to be a mother. I was meant to be this little girlâs mommy. If I was ever doubtful before, one thing I could be absolutely sure of now⌠this was my calling. Iâd never felt so sure of anything in my life.
My eyes remained fixed on her and I watched her go through what looked like a handful of emotions as her face started to contort again. Until finally, her bottom lip dipped into her mouth and she started to suckle it. I laughed⌠she must have been hungry.
âAre you hungry little girl? Is mamaâs baby hungry?â I asked, as if she would really respond to me. I guess now I could understand that odd exchange Iâd heard so many women have with the tiniest babyâs in the grocery store⌠itâs like second nature to just talk to your baby.
Dr. Zeeta had explained, just after getting me situated with Cailah over half an hour ago, that if I felt that impulse to feed her I should go with it and at least give it a shot. She said she would be sending in a lactation consultant later just to go over a few tips with me and to check to see how comfortable I felt with the whole process. But right now, something about the thought of making sure my daughter didnât go hungry made my confidence fly through the roof.
She would be breastfed, there was no argument to that. I had a heart to heart with Ms. Joyce once, one of the many that weâd had over the years, and she explained breastfeeding to me in such a way that sounded almost magical. She said there was nothing like it, because it was a guaranteed moment that only I could share with Cailah. Anyone could come along with a bottle and a fake nipple and call themselves feeding a baby, but no one could take away my ability to breastfeed. That would always be our moment⌠it would always be our âgolden hour.â It would constantly strengthen our bond, because I was the only one who could fill her up with the nutrients required for her to thrive⌠that was our moment.
Smiling down at her, I continued to coo gently because she looked like she would get agitated any minute. As I cooed and sweet talked her, I worked with one arm to slip the side of my gown down so I could get my left breast out. Once that task was done, and the five seconds I spent gawking in utter horror at my over engorged boob were over, I managed to get Cailah comfortably situated in the crook of my left arm. I loosened the front of her tight swaddle enough to free her tiny hands and her chest and carefully angled her right in front of my nipple.
Whether from instinct or just because she was my daughter and she was just that damn smart, I wasnât sure, but somehow by the grace of God this little girlâs flailing arms made contact with my skin. I watched in complete astonishment as she found her way right where she needed to be. Of course with my guidance and support against her back and neck, she latched on like a dream and I just about cried again. Iâd heard so many horror stories about motherâs who struggled to get their newborns to latch on. Iâd even been warned by Destaniâs mom about the latch assist tool, which she subsequently ended up using with only Destani because she was just that difficult latching. But never in my wildest dreams did I think my baby would be a pro on her first try⌠all on her own!
âGood job baby,â I giggled, ignoring the awkward sensation of her suckling my nipple with her toothless mouth, âMommyâs so proud of you.â
Coaxing her forward just slightly, I snuggled her close to my skin and wrapped her blanket over her left side to keep her completely covered. Dr. Zeeta had also explained to me that the skin to skin contact was vital for a newborn, so I wanted to do that as often as I could.
I donât think my eyes left her for even a second since sheâd been in my arms⌠and they didnât shift for even a second when the door of my room slid open on the other side of the curtain. I heard a knock after the fact and I didnât bother to respond, I was that wrapped up in my moment with Cailah.
âHow are you two doing in here?â It was Dr. Zeetaâs gentle voice that invaded the silent bliss and I raised my head with a beaming grin to face her⌠I was excited to show her Cailahâs first big accomplishment.
âWeâre doing good⌠well, this little one is doing excellent,â I giggled, glancing down at her while she sucked to her hearts content, âShe just latched on a few minutes ago, all by herself.â
Dr. Zeetaâs mouth flew open and a genuine look of shock washed over her smiling face âNo she didnât! Well go ahead Miss Cailah, be my superstar baby of the year girl!â
We laughed together, quietly amongst ourselves, and eventually turned our attention to my baby âDr. Zeeta, Iâm so in love with her⌠sheâs amazing.â
She crept up at my side and pat the palm of her hand against my right shoulder âAs you should be. You got a little angel on your hands, honey. Such a beautyâŚâ
Her words⌠those words⌠âsuch a beautyâ sent an unmistakable chill down my spine. I shuddered as discreetly as I could and even shut my eyes for a moment, because those three words caught me so off guard. Iâd heard them before, recently⌠I know I had.
âWell listen, I didnât mean to disturb you two⌠youâre doing such a beautiful job with her. But your golden hour is up and you know your family has been counting down the minutes.â She laughed. I giggled along with her, pushing the thought of her bone chilling words to the back of my mind. Iâd honestly forgotten all about my family thanks to this little one⌠she already had me wrapped right around her little fingers.
âBut before I go, I just wanted to tell you⌠I am personally very proud of you, young woman. You have done a phenomenal job from the day I met you and today⌠you displayed such strength and courage. I donât think Iâve ever witnessed anything like it in all my years. Iâm excited for whatâs to come for you and this little one. If you think youâre blessed to have her, honey God placed her in the right belly because she is truly blessed to have you.â
I stared at her back in awe as she moseyed away, not leaving me even a second to fix my face to cry even if I wanted to. There was something truly special about that lady⌠I think God may have etched it right into my plan to end up back home in Virginia, not only surrounded by Cailahâs loving village, but here in this hospital⌠with Dr. Zeeta specifically as my doctor. She was every girlâs dream throughout this entire process and I could honestly say, I was going to miss her when it was time for us to go home.
I guess she wasnât lying though when she said my family was counting down the minutes of our golden hour⌠before I could register where sheâd gone and what was happening, several pairs of footsteps could be heard teetering behind the closed curtain and by the grace of God, I was quickly able to snatch the thin sheet from my bed up over Cailahâs head⌠and my boob.
âMy baby!â It was my aunt who appeared first, gasping and slapping her hands up over her mouth as if she hadnât seen me in years. She trailed along into the room and everyone else followed along behind her.
âHow you doing sweetheart?â My aunt asked, beelining straight for my left side. She leaned in over the bedrail before I could even respond and I instinctively flinched away from her before she could press herself against Cailah. She frowned for all of two seconds before it finally registered that there was indeed a bassinet in the room, so that must have meant there was a baby in here somewhere. Her eyes lit up excitedly and I giggled, shaking my head at her standing there looking like a kid in a candy store.
Carefully peeling the thin blanket back from my chest, I watched as she gasped and slapped her hands over her mouth, yet again. Her eyes even watered as she stared down at her great niece, who was still going to town on my boob.
âJesus, look at her SyâDiyah⌠sheâs beautiful!â She cried. Everyone else filed in and headed straight for my bed, but my aunt held them off before they got too close by politely explaining that I was feeding. It was only the girls, my dad, and Ms. Diana though, and my dad swiftly shied away back toward the door, while of course the girls moved forward anyway and invaded my space. Luckily, Cailah seemed to have gotten her fill and my boob felt much more comfortable and deflated, so my aunt carefully helped me redress under the sheet and I passed the baby off to her so that she could be burped.
And thatâs exactly when the girls bombarded me, each barely waiting for the other to lean over the bed rail to hug me. There were a few tears shed, because apparently they really thought theyâd lost me. But once every eye in the room was dry, my aunt took the liberty to briefly explain whatâd had everyone crying in the first place.
Postpartum hemorrhaging⌠my motherâs exact cause of death. My aunt said I apparently lost over five-hundred milliliters of blood almost immediately after delivering Cailah, which caused me to lose consciousness from the sudden drop in my blood pressure. She explained that Dr. Zeeta wasnât initially concerned because sheâd faced countless deliveries with even worse outcomes than the loss of consciousness. But she started to display her true concern after exactly twenty-two minutes of my placenta not expelling. At that point Dr. Zeeta prepped her team in the blink of an eye for emergency surgery to remove it. In the rarest possible scenario, my placenta became attached to the walls of my uterus⌠placenta accreta. It was something that should have been caught earlier on in my third trimester, but somehow flew under the radar⌠and nearly cost me my life on that delivery bed. The only reason I was knocked out for so long was because of the anesthesia.
As she quietly told the story while rocking Cailah in her arms, my eyes drifted naturally in the direction of my dad and thatâs when the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. He tried to down play it by keeping his head down, but by the sound of the quiet sniffles, I could tell that he was crying.
He thought heâd lost me and it utterly broke my heart to know that Iâd almost become the second person to put him through that heartache.
I watched, stared at his mannerisms and noted the way he tried to linger as close to the curtains near the door as possible, and my heart shattered even more at the sight. He was falling apart, just standing there, listening to my aunt go on so I finally stopped her.
âDad,â I blurted, cutting my aunt off completely and silencing the room altogether, âDad, please⌠come here.â
He sniffled hard and quickly raised a hand, swiping it up over his entire face to catch the moisture before finally raising his head to look at me through swollen, red eyes. Diana reached a hand up to pat him lovingly on the back, coaxing him to take a step forward closer to my bed. Eventually she ended up guiding him all the way to my bedside and I raised my right hand to him, letting him know that it was okay to get closer. He grabbed my hand and allowed me to tug him over the rail and the moment I wrapped my arms around him, and embraced him tighter, he whimpered and broke down right on my shoulder.
âDaddy itâs okay, Iâm here⌠Iâm right here. Itâs okay.â I mumbled into the crook of his neck. I was fighting my own tears at this point, but I was determined to keep it together for his sake, because I hated seeing him like this.
He muttered something with his face pressed against mine, but he was crying and trembling so hard I couldnât make out what he said. I only held him closer and swirled one hand against his back to remind him not only by my words, but by my touch that I was right here⌠I was okay.
âSyâDiyah, I-Iâm so⌠sorry. I-Iâm sorry. I-I⌠I thought I⌠I thought I lost you.â He finally managed to get it together just enough to say those words and for a moment, I had to shut my eyes completely and get my thoughts together because I could feel myself on the verge of a breakdown.
âI thought I lost you. I couldnât⌠I couldnât handle that Sy. I just⌠I couldnât take it.â He confessed. Opening my eyes, I allowed a few tears to fall down the sides of my face⌠his words pierced me right in the heart.
âBut Iâm here daddy, Iâm right here. Iâm so sorry I put you through that, but I promise you⌠Iâm okay.â
Finally, he slowly pulled back to gaze at me through his painfully swollen eyes. The palms of his hands gently cupped the sides of my face and he stared at me for a while, then finally he tugged my face forward and pressed his lips against my forehead.
Somewhere behind me I could hear shuffling and at the same time, my dad loosened his grip on my face until he finally let me go altogether. Glancing up at him, I could see that something behind me had caught his eye. Turning my head only barely, I could see that it was my aunt holding a small bundle in a blanket. She had moisture trailing down her cheeks as she held a bundled Cailah out toward my dad. He stared at her, almost transfixed by her presence alone⌠she seemed to already have that effect on anyone around her.
âOh, my grandbabyâŚâ He whispered, reaching forward to meet my aunt halfway. She carefully guided my baby into his awaiting hands and I swore I could hear him whimper again as he snuggled her against his chest. Sheâd been successfully burped and her eyes were shut again as she drifted into another peaceful slumber. This was really a sight for sore eyes. This was my dadâs calling⌠he was meant to be a grandfather. He looked like he was right where he needed to be holding her right up against his chest, right against his heart⌠just as Iâd done.
âWell hello there little one,â He cooed, quietly since sheâd just shut her eyes, âHi grandbaby⌠this is your paw paw.â
âI really ainât sign up for all these tears today though.â I knew it was only a matter of time before we got some comedic relief and of course we had Tameka to thank for that. Indeed, her and the girls were all bundled up together beside Diana and Ms. Cynthia⌠each bright nosed and teary eyed as they watched the scene play out like a lifetime movie. Thankfully, she pulled a laugh out of each of us and I couldnât have been more thankful. I was so tired of crying.
Tamekaâs joke opened a door for everyone to relax and converse, which is what I needed more than anything. I didnât want my childâs birth to lead to such a pity party, but it seemed like thatâs all thatâd been happening since Iâd pushed her out.
âIâm so proud of you sissy,â Tawny was grinning wide as she crept up at my side, leaning over the rail to smooth my hair out of the way so she could press her lips against my forehead, âYouâve finally made me an aunt!â
âI donât think Iâve met anyone as thrilled to be an Auntie as this girl.â Diana said. She stood at my dadâs side, ogling over the baby since he seemed to have a hard time passing her off to anyone else. I was quite alright with that though⌠this moment meant the world to him and who were we to take that away from him?
âYou already know Iâm proud of you bama. And you look good after giving birth and going into emergency surgery. God is good!â Destani said. I laughed at her silliness and reached up to hug her when she reached my side. Nalay trailed along behind her, hugged me quickly, then leaned back and stared at me for a moment.
âWhat⌠why are you looking like that?â I asked, laughter dying down and smile dropping from my face completely.
âYouâre a whole mommy now!â She dipped down, yet again, and pulled me into another hug and I laughed into the crook of her neck. There was so much love in the room, it was almost too much to bear. And as if that wasnât enough, there was yet another knock on the door. Diana called out that it was okay to enter, but I stayed occupied chatting with the girls as more commotion filed into the room. From the corner of my eye I could see an oversized balloon arrangement floating into the room first. It was decked out with a large pink foot that said âItâs a Girl!â, a few balloons shaped into pacifiers, and several small light pink and white balloons surrounding it. My brows creased with confusion, until I finally spotted Ms. Joyceâs bright beaming face on the back end of the balloons. How could I have missed her absence? She moseyed her happy self right over to my aunt, stopping briefly to greet her with a hug and to sit the balloons off in the corner.
It was what, or who, came rolling in behind her that had me at a loss for words⌠and breath. In came the boys, Dontay first, since he was clearly in charge of pushing the wheelchair. And in the chair sat Chris. His head was down, well propped against his right fist⌠his eyes were cast down. He looked completely nonchalant and almost like he didnât realize heâd just been pushed, in a wheelchair, into this room full of people. What the hell happened to him?
The boys all trailed in behind him and Dontay, as boisterous as ever, but my eyes remained fixed on him. Something was extremely off.
âCongratulations sweetheart!â Ms. Joyce caught my attention for a moment when she rushed to my side and swept me into one of those hugs that only she could give. I smiled instinctively and enjoyed her aura for a moment, but with Chris lingering so close and knowing in the back of my mind that something wasnât right with him, I couldnât help but glance past her in his direction.
âHeâs in an episode.â She whispered discreetly in my ear. She pulled back from me with a smile on her face that didnât exactly match the reality of the situation⌠then I realized exactly what she was doing. She was acting as normal as possible. She didnât want to draw any unnecessary attention to the issue, but⌠if he was having an episode, when and how did it happen?
âWhen did it happen?â I whispered to her, hoping that no one would catch on to our conversation.
âJust after the doctors rushed him and Maddie out of the delivery room. You were unresponsive and that set him off. I think it was the worst blackout Iâve ever seen.â
My eyes danced in his direction and I wondered what she meant by that. Did that mean he blacked out in front of people? If that was the case, how did he not get dragged out of this hospital and thrown into the back of a police car? The longer I stared at him, hoping that by some miracle he would at least raise his head and look at me, the more my heart broke⌠how on earth could he have an episode on the day our daughter was born? This was supposed to be one of the happiest days ever for us. We were supposed to be celebrating our creation and basking in all the love and happiness surrounding us. Yet, there he was⌠completely oblivious to anything happening around him.
âI sedated him before things got too bad, and just in time too⌠security showed up at the last minute and I was able to talk them out of escorting him out of the hospital and calling the police. Madison got him into a spare room up the hall and we let him rest there while you were in surgery.â  Ms. Joyce explained, again, in the calmest tone.
âHowâs he doing Joyce?â My aunt asked. I hadnât even realized she was standing right beside Ms. Joyce.
âHeâs alright, for now. Thanks again for getting him that room Maddie⌠I donât know what would have happened if we would have left him in that hall.â
âOh thatâs no problem at all. I just wonder how long until he comes to.â
Staring at him, I couldnât help but wonder the same thing. There was no way I could get out of bed at this point to actually get close to him, to touch him⌠remind him that I was right here. But a sudden idea crossed my mind and my head swung around to face Destani who was currently holding Cailah and gushing over her with the girls and boys huddled all around her.
âHey Destani.â I called.
She turned to face me with a bright red nose and red, puffy eyes⌠I smiled, it was amazing how many emotions that little girl managed to evoke in one day.
âSy, I love her⌠I think I have severe baby fever!â She sniffled.
âTuh, well we better go get you some medicine for that, âcause I know you donât.â Ms. Cynthia called out from somewhere on the left side of the room.
I laughed and turned my attention back to Destani âCan you bring her here for a second?â
Hesitantly she turned away from the group and I smiled⌠that baby fever must have been hitting her awfully hard. I didnât even recall her acting this way with her own little sister when she was born. Once she reached my bedside, she carefully shifted Cailah over into my hands and I thanked her, then turned to face Ms. Joyce.
âMama⌠will youâŚâ Her lips pursed together and she nodded quickly, silently understanding what I asked of her. She lifted her granddaughter from my hands and cuddled her for a moment, because this was indeed her first time holding her. Then suddenly the entire room filled with a thick layer of silence as she made her way toward the end of my bed. It was clear, in that moment, that everyone knew what was happening. No one moved a muscle or uttered a word. Ms. Joyce moved along deliberately to the wheelchair and it was suddenly like a captivating scene from a movie that had everyone on pins and needles, waiting with their next breath caught somewhere in their throat.
She approached him slowly, lowering the baby just enough to put her within his eyesight⌠and waited. He didnât move immediately and my heart broke a little more⌠what if this didnât work?
âChris, thatâs your daughter.â I blurted. I needed, desperately, for him to snap out of it. And if that meant forgetting about every single person standing around this room and only focusing on him and our daughter, so be it. If I had to crawl out of this bed and go to him myself, I would. But that wouldnât be necessary, thank God⌠he lifted his head slowly and I could see his dim eyes zoning in on Cailah. He scanned over her tiny frame, almost as if familiarizing himself with her. Cautiously his mother moved the baby closer, eyeing him closely to gage his reaction. He didnât move much, but he did lift his head away from his closed fist and his eyes stayed on her, unblinking. With her now pressed lightly against his chest, his hands finally reacted and he reached to pluck her out of his momâs hold. Ms. Joyce lingered right in front of him, as a precaution of course, as he examined Cailah. He looked at her for a while as if she was a foreign object then he swiftly pulled her closer to his face, pressing his nose against the top of her covered head.
Then I heard it. His eyes were shut, he was completely still, and his head was bowed over the babyâs⌠he whimpered. He was crying. After a while, his shoulders trembled in sync with his tears and the boys all moved to stand around him protectively. Even my dad made his way over and he dropped a hand against Chrisâs left shoulder.
From the corners of my eyes, it looked like just about every female in the room was on the verge of shedding tears, if not already crying. But my eyes stayed glued to Chris, because I was in awe just watching him. It was really quite a task to be such a huge supporting crutch for him⌠mentally and emotionally. But, the way I see it⌠arenât you supposed to be a crutch for your loved one? Arenât you supposed to uplift them, be their shoulder to lean on, love them through the good times and the bad, help them see right from wrong, pick them up when they are down, and do it all⌠unconditionally? What Chris and I had may have been unconventional in the eyes of some, we may have seemed much too young to be this in love and now, to bear a love child⌠but I wouldnât change a single line of our imperfect love story for the world. See, this was our love⌠made for only him and I. And I was content being his happiness, because it was exactly what made me happy.
And now, to pass that ability on to my daughter⌠to witness first hand her very own ability to bring such peace to her father. It simply made me melt. Sheâd had him wrapped around her entire fist from the moment I told him I was pregnant. So to see her, finally in his grasp, lulling him back to normalcy⌠God, I was so tired of crying! Shaking my head discreetly, I sniffled and swiped at the undersides of my eyes.
Eventually he stood up from the chair, with the help of my dad, and made his way across the room directly to my bed. I stared up at him, falling head over heels for the sight of him cuddling his daughter lovingly to his chest. He finally raised his bright beaming eyes to face me and my heart fluttered when he smiled. His face was still saturated with tears, but he looked happy now⌠completely over the moon.
Our family and friends filed quietly out of the room and I barely even noticed because I was so wrapped up in a moment Iâd been waiting for, for nine months now.
âHi.â He muttered, quietly, with his lips barely grazing Cailahâs cheek.
âHi.â I giggled bashfully.
He smirked and sniffled, because for some reason the tears continued to fall from his eyes âI thought I lost you, you know.â
âChris, donâtâŚâ
âI thought you gave up on us. I thought it was all over,â I thought I was done crying, I really did⌠and I honestly donât even know how my body could continue to produce tears at this point, âI really thought I lost you.â
âBut you didnât Charlie. Iâm here.â
âI know I blacked out, I know that⌠because I thought you were gone. Iâm sorry I lost myself like that. Iâm ashamed that thatâs even a part of me⌠I canât even be heartbroken like a normal person.â He chuckled bitterly and shook his head, but his tears were falling harder.
âDonât say that⌠donât apologize. Chris please, just⌠stop crying.â
âI thought you were dead Hope. I can never get that image out of my head⌠I really thought you were dead.â His calm and subtle tears were coming down even faster now and my heart started to race because he was whimpering too. I hated to see him this way.
Thankfully, he took a careful seat on the edge of the bed and his arms rocked Cailah soothingly âI love you, so damn much. I donât think anyone will ever understand that⌠hell, I donât even understand. But this is how it is, my love will never stop⌠and I never want it to. You are the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me and nowâŚâ He paused to hiccup through his tears, âYouâve given me something so beautiful⌠so perfect. I can never repay you for this Hope.â
âIâm gonna marry you one day, you know?â He said, turning his head briefly to glance at me, âAnd I promise when I do, Iâm gonna make sure you never want or need for anything, ever. And Iâm gonna make sure you feel every ounce of my love every minute, of every day.â
My eyes stayed on him as he professed his love for me, as if he had never done so before. Though I could barely see him through the blur of tears, I made sure to keep my mouth shut and I gave him all the time he needed to express exactly what was on his heart⌠and boy was it a lot.
âThank you Hope. Thank you for loving me the way that you do. Thank you for accepting me the way that you do. Thank you for never giving up on me. And thank you⌠God, thank you for giving me this little girl.â I donât think Iâd ever seen him cry as hard as he was in this moment, and I honestly donât think Iâd ever cried as hard as I did as I watched him. But it needed to happen. My skin was covered with goosebumps from the surge of love circulating around the room. I couldnât even form a single thought in my mind to say aloud to him. I felt totally consumed with him and my daughter⌠our daughter. My little family. I smiled as he continued to cry⌠thank God for my perfect little family.
