The Fifth Pitch

"There is a fifth pitch, beyond that which is known to the game." - unashamed commentary and thoughts on football and the silly world surrounding it.

[concretar]

Cristiano Ronaldo welcomes Gareth Bale to Real Madrid (by Brooks Peck)

Dear Gareth,

Please allow me to formally welcome you to Real Madrid. As you can see by the look on my face, I am very happy you have joined us. I would have preferred to offer this greeting in person, but with both of us busy during the international break — you playing for Wales and me playing for a real country like Portugal — I felt it would be best to write, rather than wait until we are both in Madrid again. Especially since I don’t really know what you look like and I wouldn’t want to lower your self-esteem by not recognizing you. That’s how considerate of a teammate I am.

Much has been made about the astonishing price of your transfer, but don’t concern yourself with that. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t really care if yours was more expensive than mine or not. Though, for the sake of accuracy, I do believe that inflation over the last four years means that mine is still technically greater even if yours was for €100 million. Plus, I had the decency to complete mine early in the summer, rather than subject the world to a prolonged and tedious fight filled with unseemly tactics like not showing up at training. That alone is worth more than any amount of money. But it’s not fair to expect everyone to be a courteous gentleman, I suppose.

It is flattering that my fee is the benchmark by which yours was measured. As I’m sure you know, I have followed up that historic transfer by scoring 202 goals in 202 appearances for Real Madrid over the last four years, including no fewer than 50 goals in each of the last three season. I’m sure only a few million people will criticize you when you fail to match that high level of return on investment, since everyone else will be too busy praising my continued success. Please don’t ever feel the need to thank me for that compassionate distraction.

But this isn’t about me and the three Premier League titles, one Champions League title and Ballon d’Or I won before becoming the most expensive footballer of all time or how you have only accomplished none of that by the same age. This is just to say welcome and provide you with a friendly, written reminder not to use any of my hair products on that €2 cut of yours. I will be checking the levels in every bottle daily.

In conclusion, it’s truly a wonder to have you here and as long as you don’t get in my way, I’m sure we will achieve many great things together.

Confidently yours, The Boss

P.S. If our other teammates seem cold and unfriendly, don’t take it to heart. They’re just upset that you are here and Mesut Ozil isn’t.

[thefifthpitch]

a standing ovation, sir. a standing ovation.

[thefifthpitch]

In which we return to graze your dashboards once more with the help of G-Balez.

So, Gareth Bale happened. 

We all know crack does some crazy shit to people - but Madrid is on some kind of rock no man should ever be on. 

£85 million cold ones for the Welsh wonder. Hala fucking Madrid. You do you, Real. You do you. 

What bitches with too much money do: buy crack

What bitches do with crack: take it

What bitches on crack do: spend 100 million euros on Bale

[thefifthpitch]

It's April Fool's day but we decided against the clever pranks and opted to celebrate the return of Game of Thrones into our screens instead by allocating clubs to their GoT House counterparts. We were only aware this morning of some articles going around doing the same as well, but we decided to take it a step further and make pretty of it.

It goes as follow:

Arsenal - House Stark

Stark motto: "Winter is coming" 

We chose the north-dwelling Starks to be Arsenal's parallel mainly because of the tragedy the house has endured. Arsenal too, are a classic case of cataclysm. Ned Stark was also a proud and stubborn man - something we see of Arsene Wenger all too often. The family prides itself in having close-knit relationship, also something the club attempts to engrain in their players. 

The motto is clearly a dig at their 'next season we'll win!' mentality. 

Chelsea - House Lannister

Lannister motto: "Hear me roar"

For those of you who do watch GoT - this may be quite obvious considering the common saying associated with the Lannisters: "A Lannister always pays his debts". It's easy to see that what the two have in common is a very healthy bank account. But, it's also worth noting the Lannisters, like Chelsea, are ruthless when it comes to preserving their reputation (though many would ask: what reputation?). 

The motto is once again a play on their over-reliance on a never-ending bankroll. 

Liverpool - House Targaryen

Targaryen motto: "Fire and blood"

It may be quite funny at first to allocate Liverpool with the exiled Targaryens but hear us out. Both Liverpool and House Targaryen are ousted from their days of glory by two successful forces (Stark and Baratheon/United and Arsenal) and still long the return of what once was. Unfortunately, they both have ran into untrustworthy partners on their attempt to the top (Gillet and Hicks/Daxos and Pree).

The motto is a playful attempt to make fun of Liverpool's obsession with their history (and subsequently their claim to success).

Man City - House Tyrell

Tyrell motto: "Growing strong"

With the way Man City are paying left and right, it would be also appropriate to put them with the Lannisters. However, what we think is the difference in Man City is their blatant aspirations in social-climbing - the kind of thing we see the Tyrells are always doing. The Tyrells, like the Lannisters are also ruthless, though subtle. We think this is similar of Man City who try to weasle their way into power without attracting too much hatred.

The motto is a response to the obscene wages they pay their players. 

Man United - House Baratheon

Baratheon motto: "Ours is the fury"

United is the team we struggled with the most. They are successful, cunning, and will do everything in their power to reach their goals. While the Baratheon are indeed successful they do not show the same malevolence as the Lannisters. However, we remembered about Stannis Baratheon and the influence Melisandre, the fire priestess, has over him. This is quite similar in the way Alex Ferguson has been alleged of manipulating the game using means outside of the sport (paying referees, etc.)

The motto is a direct comment on the deceitfulness often accused of Man United. 

Spurs - House Greyjoy 

Greyjoy motto: "We do not sow"

Like House Greyjoy, Spurs is the unfateful side people often understimate. Furthermore, the Greyjoys' animosity towards Starks is nicely appropriated to the North Lodon rivalry. Spurs are seen as rather miserable, unexciting, and way past their prime. Despite this, a new and exciting generation is paving the way for a 70s era return, parallel to the activities brewing up in the Iron Islands led by Theon and Yara Greyjoy. 

The motto is a cheeky dig at their reputation for being a middling club.

[thefifthpitch]

We know this is the Mirror and other non-reputable sources of journalism, but if it proves to be true: £80k/week for your ageing ass?

We’ve always thought Xabi Alonso to be a bit shady since his move to RM, but this just makes us more concerned on what a triflin’...

[thefifthpitch]

Alonso is the only thing that could save Liverpool's ass

C'mon - what you smoking, boo? 

[thefifthpitch]

Alonso's potential move back up to Scouseland.

We know this is the Mirror and other non-reputable sources of journalism, but if it proves to be true: £80k/week for your ageing ass?

We've always thought Xabi Alonso to be a bit shady since his move to RM, but this just makes us more concerned on what a triflin' life he really leads! 

He rides on his ~classy~ rep and suddenly he's untouchable?

Sincerely,

The Fifth Pitch

[thefifthpitch]

Before, during, and after the derby through the eyes of an over-invested Gooner:

A week prior to the derby:

Arsène Wenger's optimism returns after Santi Cazorla sinks Aston Villa

A day prior to the derby:

Middle East consortium reveals plans for £1.5bn takeover of Arsenal

An hour prior to the game:

Jan Vertonghen puts friendship aside in bid for north London supremacy

10 minutes to derby kick off:

5 minutes to derby kick off:

Derby kick off:

In my mind:

In reality:

Fifteen minutes into the game:

Adebayor booked:

Vertonghen and Ramsey booked (half an hour into the game):

GOAL! (Tottenham: G. Bale):

GOAL! (Tottenham: A. Lennon):

Half-time:

GOAL! (Arsenal: P. Mertesacker):

Jenkinson almost-goal:

Adebayor down and Dawson loses his shit on the Arsenal boys:

Vermaelen charges back:

Adebayor injured, Defoe replaces:

Spurs dominates:

Podolski comes on for Arteta:

Giroud misses by a mile, and suddenly there's 6 minutes extra time:

Full-time (2 - 1 to Spurs):

An hour after the derby:

Tottenham's Gareth Bale and Aaron Lennon expose Arsenal vulnerability

Three hours after the derby:

André Villas-Boas: Tottenham can keep Arsenal in 'negative spiral'

The rest of the night:

Much love,

An Arsenal fan x

[thefifthpitch]

Dear Alex Gerrard,

xxxxxx

[footybedsheets]

So, there are all these pics floating around of cleats with heels. There are also images of a beautifully legged women in fancy shoes, juggling, shooting and fielding the ball. 

Obviously, it represents a fashion savvy athlete, a fierce footballista. An impressive and liberated feminization of the sport.

Or it could just be a massive fashion don’t and inane attempts of the fashion industry to insert itself into a sphere where they are not required.

I have been in situations where impromptu games have sprung up: picnics, weddings, family gatherings. And I have done what most football lovers do: kick off my fancy footwear and go barefoot.

I understand that it is far more sophisticated, sexy, feminine and sensual to imagine a voluptuous woman, shimmying around the pitch in tight clothing and Jimmy Choos with a cute little tap here and there. 

That’s a lovely fantasy.

It is also complete bullshit.

But what do I know? I have only played 30 years. I am neither sensual, sophisticated nor glamorous on the pitch. 

If I were to show up ready to play at one of my games in heels, I would be promptly scolded or ridiculed and most definitely benched. 

I appreciate people being comfortable as they play. Shorts, pants, hijab, ponytail, in a sports uniform, proper kit, tank top, whatever. 

But to try and to make cleats appeal to women for the sake fashion is absurd.

These shoes are impractical and an orthopedic disaster waiting to happen.

Wearing heels on turf or grass is idiotic. You would not only ruin the field but the heel would dig into the ground. If gardeners and pitch maintenance staff want to use this fashionable footwear to aerate grass, then I can see these working. 

Otherwise they are a useless idea brought to those attempting to  sexualize women’s football. (Another topic in itself that requires at least a dozen posts.) 

I don’t expect all people to love football. The reality that is sweaty, dirty and less than photogenic.

But it is also exciting, intense, empowering and a complete adrenaline rush.

And it nourishes my soul. And I find it very, very beautiful.

Who doesn’t enjoy a fantastic game of pick-up on the beach? 

I don’t look for gratification and affirmation of my beauty on the pitch via sexy shoes.

I love heels. I always have. My partner is six foot five. Wearing high heels is something I do very frequently.

But NOT on the field.

Proper gear, regardless of colour and brand are important. 

This type of imagery reduces women to what they wear, further propelling media and society’s obsession.

Football is about effort, skill, enjoyment and passion. 

The sport is played by millions around the world. Many of those players, fans are women. Women who don’t have access, resources or safety to play.

Girls all over the world are constantly battling ideas of how they need to look.To add that they should be long-legged and might consider about wearing red, crocodile-skin boots is ridiculous.

Nailing some spikes at the bottom of these shoes don’t make them appropriate for female athletes. Nor should society embrace the idea that it is more acceptable and a better fit for women. 

 The equipment required for football is gender-neutral. There are brands that cater shoe colours to women. If women choose to buy them then that’s great. My daughter has always rejected “girlie colours”. Initially she wore her brother’s hand-me-downs and now she still chooses styles from the men’s section. As do I.

Women play football and wear cleats when they do. Not this runway version of boots on drugs. Some people may see a fusion between sport and fashion.

I see impending injuries and no chance for proper ball control.

The day I see Christine Sinclair, Mart Viera da Silva or even Zlatan Ibrahomivic (not some porn star-esque model) sporting these, I may consider it.

[thefootyqueen]

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I loathe seeing photos of heeled soccer boots. I love my soccer boots, and I love wearing heels; however, the two together are rather insulting to me and incredibly cheesy. 

I concur with mostly everything that is written below. And I would like to add that women footballers have some pretty sexy legs - they don’t need heels or shorter shorts to display them.

What are your thoughts?

Footy love, nikhak

[worldcoup-deactivated20150807]

A+ commentary

[thefifthpitch]

lighten up it's fashion

[colonneello]

[thefifthpitch]

Anyone has any idea what cardigan Miki is wearing? The Fifth Pitch is going crazy over it and wants it stat. 

[thefifthpitch]

Go on, guys. 

[thefifthpitch]

Free Villa, etc., etc. 

Send in all your Free Villa's Willy posters! 

[thefifthpitch]

Free David's Willy. 

[ashleysams]

What always caught my attention about Sergio when we started getting to know each other some years ago was that he’s a person with values, with a clear personality, faithful to his ideas and who defends those ideas in front of everybody. At 18 you could see that he knew what...

[thefifthpitch]

Our gay of the day. 

[thefifthpitch]

Our daily breakup transfer song is "Gone" by 'N Sync. Nobody in our team is secretly a Justin Timberlake stalker with intentions to campaign for his way-too-long-on-hold music career. Get off the silver screen, get back to the studio, JT. 

This throwback to the early millennia is our pick for the departure of Valencia's power couple to Manchester City and Barcelona. It was an unwanted parting, but some sacrifices had to be done. You wonder, am I still on your mind?

[thefifthpitch]

The Fifth Pitch are starting this daily (/weekly) post of appropriate break up songs for major transfers that caused more drama than a season of Dynasty. We start with Fernando Torres' move down south from Liverpool to Chelsea.

"Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake is our pick - with the bitterness rating ringing every bell in the continent. Nevertheless, we definitely sympathise with Justin, not the cheating Britney. Fernando. blonde. Liverpool fans, what do you think of our choice? Let us know! 

[thefifthpitch]

“I make fun of him a lot because of his underwear. They are “glamorous,” with many bright colors in which you can be left staring. They do not go unnoticed. He is a brave man in the fashion of underwear.”

—        Iker Casillas, about Karim Benzema for La Sexta

[thefifthpitch]

Re-blog if you know how amazing this is.