The Gift of the Vagi

Guts. Glory. Vaginismus. Follow me on my journey.

[thegiftofthevagi]

One Year Later

Hello to those of you still sticking around! Accomplished something monumental today, so I figured I'd share with the little vaginismus community here on tumblr. To back track a bit, I continue to fiddle with the menstrual cup from time to time, but haven't ever gotten it all the way in. I'm ok with it. Baby steps. When it happens, it happens! Still no trouble with applicators, though to be honest I don't really "test" down there much on a regular basis. It was all about learning what relaxing those muscles really feels like. I'm content with where I'm at. So, today I had my annual gyn exam, and for once I wasn't freaking over it. The doctor asked how PT went (I stopped going after about 4 sessions, it was expensive and I can sort of figure it out on my own now). We talked about challenges with the cup, and she suggested dialators. I might try them, might not. Idk, I'm not stressing so much about it anymore. The doc asked if I'd like to try and do a pap test or not. We've failed miserably in the past, but I felt up to it today. She used the smallest speculum, smaller than a tampon applicator when closed. And that went pretty well! She got it all the way in and opened it, then took her swab and yippee I got a pap smear!! It was painful when the speculum got to a certain point, but I just breathed and managed to relax my muscles and we got through it. Then she did a manual exam - again, at a certain depth it hurt just a bit, but I relaxed and survived. I am really proud of myself. I honestly thought I'd never be able to get a pap, but I got it done! Wooohoo! If there's hope for me, I'm sure there's hope for you!

[thegiftofthevagi]

Do you think I actually have Vaginismus if I can semi-comfortably insert a tampon? Removing it hurts off its too full and manually I can get my whole index finger (that's all - no more than than will fit) inside? I carry a lot of tension in my muscles and I actively avoid any sexy situations because I've had extreme pain in the past at the gyno and assumed I have Vaginismus.

It's definitely possible. Vaginismus can make any insertion terrible. However, vaginismus can also be specific to certain situations - for example, going to the gyno is a trainwreck and a half, but having sex is a breeze. I hope that was helpful to you. Thankfully, vaginismus is treatable! I'd recommend talking to a doctor or checking into physical therapy options. :)

[vaginismusanon-deactivated20210]

Okay ladies I need some tips

I’m STILL struggling with D1. I try to push it in and it gets in between the labia near the entrance but I can’t get it into the beginning of the opening it sort of gets stuck if that makes sense?

I am wondering if any of you who are professional skilled dilators can give me some tips. My PT has told me to focus on diaphragmatic breathing and rolling my thighs in and out but it doesn’t seem to help me too much. Does anyone have a good technique that worked for them in the beginning?

Thanks!!!

[thegiftofthevagi]

I am not a dilator queen or anything, but what really helped me was thinking of peeing. It was sort of mind blowing to me that what I interpreted as a feeling of pushing was really relaxation of the pelvic floor. When I was starting out with the tampon applicators, I would think about peeing (with an empty bladder) and was able to get it in from there.

Aside from that, lots of lube and hot baths!

[thegiftofthevagi]

Sorry to hear about your problems. Maybe the cup you bought is too big? You might want to talk to your gynecologist about that. There are also a lot of brands which sell smaller versions (I guess the Ruby Cup or the Diva Cup for example?) But you might also want to try one which is a bit more flexible. I'm no expert on that stuff, but that's what I learned while watching a couple of videos on youtube ;) Good luck!

I am not sure how old this message is, so sorry if I am responding super late. Thanks for the support! I've ordered another cup to see if that helps - I've heard it can take a few tries to find your "goldilocks" as they say. I appreciate the positivity! :)

[thegiftofthevagi]

PT: Session Three

Alright. So today I returned to physical therapy after an unsuccessful first cycle with the menstrual cup.

Fran and I started off by discussing my failed attempts to get it in. I tried every fold I know, and invented some of my own. The main issue was the cup opening up hurt my urethra something awful. I mentioned I might try another cup out (hey, someone’s gotta have a Black Friday sale). Fran asked if we could check things out with a physical exam, and I said that was a-ok with me.

I did the usual strip down from the waist down thing. She came back for another digital insertion. GUYS - no pain at all! I didn’t ask her to stop. I hardly paid attention to any of it happening while we chatted about Thanksgiving Dinner. SHE GOT HER WHOLE FINGER IN, NO PROBLEM. We were both happy!

Then it came time for her to pull out, and she told me to bear down to make it a little easier. I did, and felt no pain at all. She says I’ve definitely improved, but I’m still really tight as she’s exiting (news to me), so my homework now is to practice bearing down with my pelvic muscles. Fran thinks I may have more trouble removing a cup than getting it in in the first place....I sure hope not!

Anyway, I just got home from the day’s wanderings a bit ago, and found a sale on another smaller menstrual cup (thank you, Black Friday!), so I went for it. I’m sure I will be able to use the cup I ordered first in time, but I feel like I will cut down on some frustration with a smaller starter cup. Fran thought it was worth a shot too.

Wish me luck!

[thegiftofthevagi]

Try different folds, and pushing the tampon to the small of your back rather than up? Different insertion positions? You're doing really well, I admire your strength.

Aww, that's sweet of you! Thank you for the positivity. :)

[thegiftofthevagi]

Sore & Frustrated

I’ve been trying at this menstrual cup everyday since Sunday, for what amounts to easily an hour a day. My vagina is SORE. Here’s the hard thing with the cup: I need lube to even attempt to get it in, but when it’s sufficiently lubed, I can’t hold the fold. I’ve lost the fold and snapped it open easily a hundred times. I hit my urethra more than never, which is more than I ever wanted. In sum, despite my serious, solid attempts...the cup is going nowhere fast.

Today I had a reality check. I can insert a regular Tampax Pearl applicator with lube no problem. Well, I got a couple of Super Kotex....and then realized the error of my ways. I was able to get the applicator inside in about 2 minutes with a slight pinch or two of pain, but it’s maybe half the width of the cup expanded, and slightly narrower than it’s thickest part folded...so what the hell was I thinking trying the cup this soon?

I also discovered something fun with my shitty attempts with the cup and my tampon times: I cannot sit up with anything in my vagina. Even the regular tampon - if I sit up, I feel it being shoved right out. What the heck does that mean? Because if I can’t keep a damned thing in there, how the hell will I be able to keep myself from giving birth to this fucking cup every time I sit at my desk as work?

I feel really frustrated. I know I should be happy with this progress (a few weeks ago I couldn’t fathom getting an applicator in, period), but I just...wanted this cup to work and my growing comfort with it would “cure” me of my vaginismus and make life all unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Ugh, I don’t know.

I’m going to TRY not to be overzealous and mess with the cup for the rest of this cycle. I just wanted it to work so badly...

[fuckyeahyoga]

daily dose of skeletor

[thegiftofthevagi]

Update

I can get a tampon in (with lube) with no issues pretty consistently now. Tried the menstrual cup for the first time last night and insertion was not so easy. I wasn't exactly in pain...it's just a HUGE learning curve to figure out how to hold the folds as you're inserting. I think I can get it, though. I'll be trying again tonight.

[thegiftofthevagi]

PT: Session Two

Today was day two of physical therapy.

Our session started with a check in on how my exercises went over the past week. I reported the facts. My hip hurt A LOT last Wednesday after starting my yoga poses, but after that it wore off. I went hardcore with the tampons early on in the week, as I was going to be away through the weekend. I managed to insert a Tampax Pearl twice. Fran high fived me. It was pretty epic.

I also brought in the menstrual cup I ordered, so Fran could get a look at my overall goal here. I went for the Lily Cup, and Fran agreed it sounded like a good fit (ha!). I’ll give you all some more info on that some other day...

So then we started the meat and potatoes of the session. I laid back with a heating pad loincloth on for around about 5-10 minutes. When that was up, Fran tried a digital insertion again. I got past her first knuckle! That was HUGE progress from last week. She said she could feel a difference in my muscle tension and could tell I was doing my homework. Yay!

I got a new exercise for the next week, which I’ll put up in a few.

My period starts next week, so we’re taking that off (Fran shared we’re on the same cycle - thrilling!). I said I felt ready to try the cup, so I’m to call/email ran next week to let her know how that goes. If all is well - I’m done with therapy already! If I have trouble, we’ll schedule another session for the following week.

In the meantime, I’ll continue using the tampon applicators to exercise all the muscles down there. I probably won’t try the cup until around the second day of my cycle, which should be in one week, on Tuesday.

That’s about it. Physical therapy continues to be great. No complaints. It’s really not painful, more like a good stretch of a tight muscle. Since I started thinking of it like vagina-yoga, things have been so much easier.

[thegiftofthevagi]

Replicated

Fuck yeah! Yoga and a hot bath means applicators are GO.

[thegiftofthevagi]

It's Here

My cup came today! It's nice to finally be able to see it and feel it in person. I feel like I can do this. I'm going to try to remember to bring it to PT tomorrow, just so Fran can see what I'm hoping to work up to. On the downside, I have been unable to replicate the tampon insertion today. I'm giving myself a break and I'll try again later.

[thegiftofthevagi]

do you think you could just say vagina instead of lady bits? that's super trans-exclusionary/cisnormative and there are a lot of people with vaginismus who don't identify as female. thanks!

Don't mean to offend. I'm referring to my own bits as the "lady bits"...so it's really just what I prefer to call my own body parts.

[thegiftofthevagi]

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU EEEK AWESOME JOB YOU <3

THANK YOU! I never thought it was possible!

[thegiftofthevagi]

TMI

I am sitting here with a Tampax Pearl applicator fully inside the lady bits.

This seemed impossible for YEARS.

I can’t believe this is working!!!!!

[thegiftofthevagi]

Exercises: Week One, Part One

So. I was given homework after my first PT appointment.

Firstly, I am to do my yoga exercises. You can see them from an earlier post on here. I have a history of hip pain; after the first evening of doing the exercises, my hip was definitely angry. But I guess I managed to walk it off. Yesterday I had a long training for work, so I could only do them 1x/day instead of two. Oh well. Life happens.

Meanwhile, I was told to try out putting a tampon by the lady business every other day. So...I guess I’m an overachiever, because I’ve tried everyday. I think I’ll take a break today though, because it’s feeling a little...sore down there? Not sure that’s the right term. I guess it burns a bit, probably because I’m using a muscle that hasn’t gotten much action.

I’m well acquainted with the area there, but watching anything go in there just makes me feel a bit more tense - like I get too worked up about getting it all the way in, so it’s better if I sort of “go in blind” and feel things out instead. Anyway, I feel like I made some huge progress yesterday. I think I got a U by Kotex in about a third of the way? That’s huge for me - in more ways than one, ha!

I know it’s early - but yesterday I got the urge to just shove the damned tampon up in there, leave it to give myself time to tolerate the pain, and then go from there. I didn’t do that. I know it’s about slow, steady stretching of the muscles. So I’m trying to think about this like vagi-yoga, take my time and all that.

Again, my big goal in all this is to be able to use a menstrual cup. I’d been researching them for a couple months, so I figured I would finally commit. I purchased the one I wanted. I’m hoping now I invested the money in a cup, I will sort of be obligated to move forward and really get through this. I’m also hoping feeling and seeing it in my hand will give me something clear to aim for. Plus...I feel like I’d be more comfortable practicing with the actual cup than the tampon. It should be here early next week. 

I’m away with friends for a long weekend after tonight. I’m going to pack some lube and a couple tampons so I hopefully get a chance to do my thing despite being away from home. Regardless, I’ll give an update next week and share some info on the cup when it arrives.

[vaginismusanon-deactivated20210]

Guys I finally got a qtip in. Which probably impresses none of you as everyone seems to be past at least D3 but this is huge for me so mini celebration 🎉🎊🎈

[myvaginismusjournal]

No matter what stage that any of us are at, that is so so impressive! I know how hard that qtip can be because it’s the first thing that you’re using and just getting over that is a hurdle. So proud of you! Definitely deserves celebration! :D

[thegiftofthevagi]

Way to go! As someone with nonexistent dilators, I am impressed. :) This gives me hope.