We could rattle the stars if only we dared

[thoughtkick]

“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”

— Unknown

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 21, 2020

Toughest. Night. Ever. I’m definitely sick. Ben is definitely sick. I’m so mad at Krista because she let me visit without telling me her and Stanley were still sick. Now who knows if I got Danielle and Jaxon sick. Zack’s mad because I don’t want to give Ben OTC cold meds. He also wants me to shorten his afternoon nap so we can be at his parent’s longer. Really getting sick and fucking tired of his family putting their wants above whats best for Ben. I told him to get saline. I feel so bad for my baby. He’s got no fever though so that’s good. I don’t think we should be visiting people if we’re sick but Zack actually asked me to cut Ben’s nap short so we’d be there longer. NO consideration for Ben and I ever. We’ll definitely get everyone sick and if he suggests I don’t go I’ll say that if I shouldn’t go then Ben shouldn’t either. Ben was sick before I was. I don’t really have a say because they don’t care about anything except seeing Ben. It’ll be bitchfest 2020 if we don’t go. I’m sure it’s not covid. We got it too quick. Ben got it the day after seeing Stanley and all I have is a runny nose and not even a cough yet. No trouble breathing, no chills, no aches and pains, no headache, I don’t want to take the chance if it is but I don’t have it in me at all to fight with Zack and his family I don’t need them thinking I’m even more of a bitch or Zack feeling like his father’s day is ruined and he’ll probably pull the “well we went to your parents last night”. I’m going to call 811.

LATER

Well I called and they called back but I was napping but the lady on the phone before said it’s likely just a cold and to watch for worsening symptoms and to call again if they get worse. Zack let them put Ben in the damn pool even though I asked him not to and Kim kept trying to smoke next to him. It wasn’t the pool itself I was more worried he’d hate it and they wouldn’t take him out and that he’d get more tired from being upset. Once he was in there I was fine but very irked that Zack let them do that even though he said he wouldn’t

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 20, 2020

Well I just told him I don’t think today being his last day of work and taking a whole week off before the first of the next month is a bad idea but I won’t be mad if he does, I’m just giving my opinion. He just has no idea when his first pay from superstore will be if he starts next monday. It could be three weeks and even if he does get paid in a week it would only have a week on it. He literally just had a week off because of his bad tooth and tbh I cannot handle another week like that. We’ll probably end up breaking up. He’s such a hypocrite, he’s disappointed in me for wanting to work part time so I can spend more time with Ben. I’m disappointed that he’s going to storm out of his job because they pissed him off. The first thing he said when he got home last night is that today is his last day because they were jerks. Them being jerks doesnt change the fact that he needs money. He was already only giving them a week’s notice and now it’s a day’s notice. It’s like him almost leaving me a couple years back for smoking pot and last night was the first time in like 5 days he didn’t smoke after Ben went down. Like I don’t particularly care what he does but omg the hypocrisy astounds me and makes me SO mad. I’m definitely going to leave or kill him if it goes the way the week with his tooth went. I might to stay with my parents for a week. I would love to do things as a family but Zack can’t go without screens long enough. Always playing his game or watching videos. He also hates the outdoors apparently. I’ll take Ben alone. It’ll be an excuse to not see him sit in front of the tv and on his phone and it won’t start a pissing contest among our parents.His parents never even took them camping or let them play past the yard outdoor. He can’t spend an hour with us as a family unless it’s visiting his parents or my parents and even when we visit my parents he can’t wait to leave (but to be fair I feel that way about his parents). The longest amount of time he’s ever spent with Ben that wasn’t feeding/giving a bath/putting to bed is like....20 minutes tops. I’ve been rushing through showers/chores/everything for over 7 months because if I take too long he gets upset because he has other things to do and he doesn’t understand why I’m so mad and says I’m painting him to be the villain every time I try to talk about my concerns. I would love to take this week to bond as a family but knowing him he’ll just fuck off upstairs the whole time or want to spend all that time at his parents. Either way this week is going to be actual  hell for me. This really sucks because I know by the end of this week I’ll likely leave him. I just can’t take him saying he’s a “family man” one more time. Literally EVERYTHING comes before us. He’s a family man when it comes to his parent but definitely not when it comes to Ben and me. I’m really getting sick and tired of him just peacing out to go somewhere ALL the time and leaving me with a screaming baby. I told him a couple weeks ago that he can’t go anywhere until Ben is asleep because I pump immediately when he goes down so I have to interrupt it to comfort him or whatever and tonight Zack HAD to go see his mom and said he wouldn’t be long. He was gone for over an hour and they live two minutes down the road. Ben was losing it when he left, he stopped and within seconds Zack was out the door and Ben started losing his mind again so I had to stop pumping and go give him Tylenol. It’s a fucking riot that he tells people we’re his #1 and the most important thing to him. Before he decided today was his last day he was going to spend his ONE DAY OFF THIS WEEK at his new store to hang out and meet the team. like he couldn’t wait a week for when he’s actually getting paid to be there. But fuck us. I don’t think I would be this mad if he didn’t tell every soul he could what a family man he is. I could handle him not helping with the housework (although it would be super annoying) if he hadn’t treated me like such trash when I was slobby. and god forbid I say anything because then he goes straight to leaving because “he’s always the villain and doesn’t think he belongs here”. Meanwhile he can comment on everything about me and it’s fine. I can’t wait until I get into therapy so I can deal with this anger because I am SO mad. He won’t do couple’s therapy even though I’ve asked. when it’s good it’s REALLY good but when it’s bad.....OOF. The problem is he needs to grow up and realize that he has a pretty big responsibility now and I’m not his mother and we need to be able to communicate without him threatening to leave. He does small good things every day...But....anyways I think Ben has a cold. When we went to see Krista her and her son seemed sick but I didn’t say anything because they also have allergies but....We went to my parents for supper tonight and Zack fed him his supper so I could enjoy mine. I think I’m so upset because it’s been over 7  months of me repeating myself. He didn’t even help me with anything Ben related when I was pregnant either  besides the crib but that’s because I legit couldn’t do it myself and he screamed and cursed the whole time. And when I called him out on it he didn’t talk to me for days. Mommy dearest has raised him to believe he’s perfect and can do no wrong. I can’t say a fucking word without him saying he’s leaving. EVER. It IMMEDIATELY goes straight to him saying he should just leave then and I’m not even mean about it. I just don’t know if this is worth it anymore. I’ve been trying to deny it. I could handle it if he just got mad or upset when I spoke my mind because yes my thoughts are upsetting, it’s the always saying he’s going to leave. It’s like he’s forcing me into submission. I just need him to be the family man he claims to be. Today was Sarah’s due date (She had a stillbirth in April or May) She made a post on instagram and now I’m crying. I swear breastfeeding makes pregnancy hormones stick around for longer. Ben is so perfect. I felt so bad this afternoon. I lost my patience a smidge. We were napping and all of a sudden he woke up from a dead sleep and just started screaming and didn’t stop for an hour no matter what I did. I don’t know if it’s his bottom teeth continuing to grow (they’ve already completely broken the skin) or if his top teeth are starting to break through. or if he’s sick because he’s SUPER congested but no fever or anything. Just a real runny nose and some coughing. Hopefully milkies help him get over it faster. It doesn’t seem too severe. I think he was just panicking this afternoon because he’s literally never had a stuffed nose before. My nose is kinda stuffy now too. Oh well, if I have it too it’ll definitely help Ben get over it faster. He just looks super tired and has been having a hard time with sleep. When he’s not trying to sleep he’s not fussy or anything. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 19, 2020

I had the weirdest dream. We were at a giant family gathering at Zack’s parents and the family like needed the tv on because idk and I asked Kim if she’d turn it off because of Ben (it was also later in the evening) and she said she wasn’t going to make her family go without tv just to please me and so I just took Ben and left. I even left without Zack. I went to see Krista yesterday morning and her tv was on the Netflix screen and I sat Ben down facing away and he still kept trying to see it even though he had a bunch of toys in front of him. She ended up turning it off. Zack can’t even eat a meal without his phone playing a video or game in front of him, even when we go on dates. Last night I told him I don’t want YouTube vidoes on at the supper table anymore (mostly because the voioces of the guys he watches are SUPER annoying but also don’t want Ben seeing any bad habits) I don’t know, I just grew up in a house where cell phones weren’t allowed at the table period. (Also distracts Ben when he’s eating even though he can’t see the screen) I just have a man who cares more about screens than anything else and I don’t want that for Ben. With the way it affects Ben the screens need to be off. He hasn’t seen a tv on since he was 4 months old and people that don’t have to deal with the consequences don’t get to fuss about it. Last time we went to Zack’s parents, Kim turned the tv on to switch it to the blank music screen so like a second and then Zack let Ben watch a video on his brother’s phone and Ben got up during the night for the first time in 3 months.  People don’t get that i would LOVE if tv didn’t affect Ben the way it does. I would LOVE to watch my mom vlogs during the day because I can’t watch them if Zack wants to hang out and Ben LOVES seeing other babies. They were his favorite back when I had the tv on. Anyways I’ve been pumping to make a stash for when I go back to work. Hopefully though I’ll only be working like 3 or 4 days a week and he’ll only need a bottle or two when I’m working. I work 3-11 mainly so... I don’t know what my rotation looks like though because they’ve changed it since I’ve been off. They did call and ask about my preferences though. I don’t even know what to do since I’ll probably keep breastfeeding when I go back to work but I might have to go to the bathroom to hand express a couple times a shift. I’m not sure how pumping on my break would go over. I feel like after he’s a year old there will be judgement. But then again after he’s a year old I probably won’t have to because by then solids come first. I’m sure though I could find somewhere private to pump. 

LATER

OMG I’m the worst mother ever!!!! Ben and I woke up from our snuggle nap and I ran to the bathroom to grab my hair brush so I could put my hair in a bun (bathroom is attached to my bedroom I can see the bed from my bathroom looking out.) I flipped my head down for once second and Ben rolled off the bed. He was fine but OMG I feel so so so so guilty. This is his second time falling off something. When he was a month old I had him lounging on the cough in his boppy and a cat jumped on it and tipped it. I still went to Danielle’s and we had a good time and Ben was fine but he was a little fussy. Danielle thinks he’s getting sick. I hope not. He drove his first car today (toy on the floor, didn’t move). Zack and I are having a huge fight right now. I’ve always said when I go back to work I want to be part time and be with Ben as much as possible because he’s going to be our only child and I don’t want kimmy dearest spoiling him and ruining him or god forbid something happeneing to him. I told zack I’d want to work enough to pay my bills and for some reason tonight he just lost it and is acting like the sky is falling and saying he wants us to work our collective asses off so Ben never has a worry. And I’m like I’ll be working full time before he ever has a worry. He’s making me feel like I’m crazy. He’ll be making 10k more than me a year even if I do work full time. Really I’d just like to work part time until he’s 2. It’s so stupid. I told him obviously if we needed money I’d pick up. EVERY MOTHER I KNOW ONLY WORKS PART TIME. My friend is A SINGLE MOTHER and she works 3 days a week. He said I can do what I want but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I’m gonna tell him that if I’m working full time I am not putting up with mess in my house and he’s gotta pick up the slack on top of taking care of Ben when I’m not there with no tv until he’s 2. It’s best for EVERYONE if I’m home more than I’m not. He said he’ disappointed in me for wanting to be with Ben as much as possible. He’s acting like I’m just being lazy. I’m SO upet rn he knows my rotation is only part time ANYWAYS.He went out for a drive he was so upset. It’s really also my distrust of kim who’s going to be our babysitter and Zack’s laziness on top of wanting so soak up every moment with benjamin. And honestly anytime anyone besides my mom watches him I feel like I’m going to puke/have a heart attack. I just want to be with him as much as possible until he’s old enough that my anxiety about stuff goes down. 

EVEN LATER

Zack got back and it was fine and then it exploded again. Being a mom is hard. He thinks I’m going to stop working all together and when he starts school I’ll just stay home. I’d go nuts with nothing to do when he was at school all day. I would never stop working completely (outside of mat leave) I’ll never put us in a bad position. I just really don’t think he can handle pulling his weight with the houseowrk and not being able to relax immediately after work. So tomorrow he’s saying fuck it to his current bosses and taking A WEEK OFF with no pay or anything until he starts his new job. and I was like “oh maybe since you’re taking a week off I can have a day and he’s like yeah I’ll just take Ben to my parents and take milk with me and food and leave you alone” like NO. I want a day where we hang out as a family but I can also take a break and go on my computer while still hanging out. Still feed and nap with my Baby Benny boy. Whenever I ask him to take ben for any amount of time that’s longer than half an hour he goes straight to his parents because HE CAN’T DO IT. HE CANT SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF TIME WITH HIS SON BECAUSE HE CAN’T DEAL WITHOUT SCREENS AND HE’S TOO TIRED FROM WORKING AND THAT’S WHY I DON’T WANT TO WORK FULL TIME BECAUSE BEN DESERVES BETTER. I AM BIG MAD. Like he’s great when he wants to be, he really is but he just doesn’t get it yet. he’s getting  better slowly like he does his bath and puts him to bed most nights now but IT’S TAKEN 7 MONTHS TO GET HERE. And Kim’s raised two spoiled brats so...and she also has the most dangerous things she wants to do with Ben. I just feel like I’m losing it. They’ve got my anxiety SO BAD. The bought a full size tracter for Ben and can’t wait to get him on it and want to take him plowing without a car seat and give him food and walk away and suggested cereal in a bottle at 7 weeks. Zack acts like I’m a bitch for not trusting them. Anyways I gotta go to bed.

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 18, 2020

Zack finds out about the superstore job today. I really hope it’s good news. He really deserves it. He works so hard and always gets the short end of the stick. I got Ben giggling so much today it was adorable. I loved it. I have the house to myself and Ben tonight until later anyways. Zack’s going out with his friends. I’m going to watch my mom vloggers because he hates them and I only have the tv on in the evening after Ben goes to bed so if I want to hang out with Zack I can’t watch them.  I put our AC unit in Ben’s room from 4-730 and he’s naked in his sleep sac and it’s 24 degrees in there already. I’m so mad Buddy was losing his mind meowing so I had to go calm him down and I had my pump on and I spilled half my milk because of the damn cat. I’m seeing my friend Danielle tomorrow afternoon after Ben has his nap and I am SO excited. 

LATER

Zack got the job!!! I called my mom and this is the first time in ages Ive been really irritated with her. I brought up how I hope the father’s day gathering is less than 10 people because COVID IS STILL A THING and she said well if you don’t want to come don’t come right snarkily. And I said how if I give an inch with Zack he’ll take a mile when it comes to Ben’s schedule and she started lecturing me like I’m too hard on Zack and Ben’s gotta have some fun. I can’t tolerate lectures about my parenting from people who don’t have to deal with the consequences AT ALL. It’s gonna be 9 people. My grandmother and grandfather, brother, his girlfriend, parents and us. I wasn’t saying anything bad, all I said was that I hope it’s under 10 people. and she got right rude. I don’t talk to Nanny because of conversations like the one I just had with my mom. I’ve been a doormat people pleaser my whole life and controlled and I just really do not even have any patience left for it. I was in such a good mood too. I had sushi for supper from my favorite restaurant, ben went down easy and then the cat started meowing and that annoyed me and then I got amazing news and I wanted to tel my mom and now I’m crying. Usually my mom is my best friend. I don’t know who the fuck pissed in her cheerios tonight. I don’t even know how it’s possible since it’s cooling down outside but Ben’s room is actually getting warmer. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 17, 2020

Nothing like starting the morning with a power puke (Ben, not me but on me). Twice. I have to go to Zack’s parents when Ben wakes up from his morning nap because mom visited yesterday *big eye roll*. It actually kinda ruins my day when Zack tells me we’re going over there. They’re probably going to make me out to be the bad guy because we won’t be there long because they don’t feed us lunch and Ben and I BOTH need to eat, not just Ben. That’s how I stay so long at my parents when I go in the morning, they feed us. Zack’s don’t unless they invite us for supper. So....Zack acts like his parents do so much more for us than mine but that’s not even close to true. They helped with the house which was HUGE but Mom bought pretty much everything for Ben’s nursery and Ben related and took two weeks off after I gave birth to help me and supported my breastfeeding instead of trying to get me to switch to formula at the first sign of trouble. i legit need therapy to deal with my anxiety with them. His mom put a piece of whole carrot in Bens mouth AND WALKED AWAY. I told zack he’s never allowed to feed ben actual solid foods unless I’m there. Zack walks away when Ben’s eating too all the time and then they get all offended when it seems like I don’t trust them and I’m the bitch...Anyways, Mel and I got talking about this girl we know who is back in her bikini two months pp and looks like she’s never had a child in her life and she’s had 3. I’m as much as I was 2 days before I had Ben. I suck. I lost 30 pounds the 9 weeks after I had him and was smaller than I was before I got preggo now I’m a whale again. I think it’s because for the first two almost three months I never had time to eat because Zack wouldn’t help me and I never wanted to let Ben cry so now that I have time to eat I’m blowing up. The only time I’ve ever had a nice body was when I was on drugs. Mel says my stretch marks are super faded though but I also had my baby almost 3 months before her. I’m in maternity pants because I’m such a fatty. They’re just so comfy. Thank god I wear scrubs to work so they’ll be comfy too. I made my first puree tonight for ben with Prunes, Pears and Apples. Hopefully it makes him poop. Poor thing is EXHAUSTED from pushing all day. 

LATER

He pooped a little. He screamed like he was giving birth. He’s alsleep now. Had a busy day. He’s been doing this thing that makes me anxious. Last night I had to check on him like three or four times because he was sleeping right on his face. But apparently crib mattreses are too firm for them to actually suffocate on. So we’re watching Brother Bear and I’m bawling. We’re watching the Ultimate Gift next. It’s so good and I haven’t seen it since 2012/2013.

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 16, 2020

I feel horrible for not wanting to take Ben for walks in this heat. It’s just too dang hot. I don’t know anywhere with shade either besides parks and I’m still worried about people. I still don’t want to be anywhere near anyone who’s not a friend or family. You never know what kind of psycho would get too close especially since Ben is forward facing in the stroller now. I feel bad because I hardly ever take him outside and it’s been such a  nice summer. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 15, 2020

I finally sold my nursing textbooks from years ago. To a guy who’s doing lessons for people learning medical terminology whose first language isn’t english. I gave the money straight to Zack though to go towards paying him back for my car repairs. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 14, 2020

I love how Zack’s parents are constantly in a pissing contest with mine and get jealous every time I go see my parents. Like I posted videos today from at my parents because I went there for lunch and now we have to go over to Zack’s parents for supper. Like seriously if someone’s inlaws wouldn’t let them look at, hold or feed their child would they want to go? And Zack gets upset I don’t go over there alone to make it even and my parents see Ben more. Like obviously....my parents actually respect me. We go to my inlaws and Zack’s mom actually goes out of her way to keep my son away from me. Zack says she’s just trying to give me a break but when he’s fussing and needs to nurse she won’t give him to me. like last time I’m pretty sure the only way I would have gotten her to hand him over is if I caused a scene/grabbed him. I asked last time and he just walked away and pretended she didn’t hear me. He’s got to nurse before he eats solids and he only really nurses for ten minutes at a time now. I would bring a bottle but nursing him is the only time I get to look at/hold him while we’re there....if they even hand him over. It’s fucking psycho. Luckily we’re only ever there for about 2 hours. Benjamin choked on some water this morning and I’ve been an anxious mess ever since worried about dry drowning

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 13, 2020

I’m really considering cloth diapering. I think when Ben consistently has rabit turds I’m going to switch but I don’t know. His poos are pretty solid now and basically only leave skid marks. I don’t think Zack or his mother (when she babysits) would be onboard. Anyways we have enough diapers until he goes to size 4 I think. so. I asked Zack once and he said no way. It’s just so cost effective and environmentally friendlier. I know my mom would be on board and I am but like everything fucking else. Zack and his fam wouldn’t be. I don’t so much mind when Zack argues with me because he’s the father and that’s his right but omg his parents fighting me and judging me on literally every move I make is getting so old. I hate it. It’s not even on occasion, I could handle it on occasion...it’s literally EVERYTHING. Ben hasn’t been taking his full afternoon nap lately and it’s been actual hell. Literally all he’s done the majority of the past three days is cry. he’s tired and teething and can’t poop. I don’t think I’ve been giving him enough water. He’s had two small rabbit turds today. I checked him in his convertible car seat today before Zack installs it in my car and it fits good. It’s weird though because I don’t see any other slots for the straps to go higher. Maybe it’s because the angle adjusts? I don’t know. I wish I had gotten the Graco I asked for or money to go towards the Graco but the car seat was bought for us so I really really shouldn’t complain and I’m not. I just wanted the Graco for extended rear facing. It’s just such a safety thing. It’s really the only thing I’d ever be picky about. The convertible is better than my bucket seat though. I just wanted to rearface ben Until 50lbs. OMG with this seat I might be able to pull my seat forward to drive again. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 12, 2020

Zack ssaid this morning when buddy woke me up with his outrageous meowing like he does every goddamn morning that I need to get back on sleeping pills. A) Breastfeeding and B) One of us needs to wake up if Ben needs us and he won’t. I almost said and I want you to get on antidepressants but you don’t like putting stuff in your body so why do you want me to put super addicting stuff in mine. He’s super fucking miserable all the goddamn time but he won’t do anything about it. Can hardly even function as a goddamn human and acts like I’m being unreasonable. Fucking angry ALL the time but won’t get help. Unless hes not depressed and just a shit person. Which I don’t think he is. Ben’s been screaming since he woke up and I got two hours of sleep. I should also say that he has been diagnosed by doctors with clinical depression but refused the meds. He also won’t see anyone. I asked him last week if he’d consider meds or if not meds, a therapist and he said no, says “it doesn’t work for him” yet he wants me to get readdicted to sleeping pills (which I stopped taking when I found out I was pregnant) I can’t even close the door and not let Buddy sleep with us and put my white noise and AC super loud because he’ll just meow his fool head off and keep Benjamin awake. If Zack’s behind a closed door without him he loses his mind. Like he even has to take him to the bathroom with him at all times because if he doesn’t buddy just meows like he’s in heat. I’m never getting a male long haired cat again. Having so many animals is the absolute worst mistake of my life. You wouldn’t think a cat would be interested in a teething toy but Ben’s favorite is missing. Honestly after my three cats are gone I never want another animal again. Zack wants a dog but I feel like I would hate a dog 100000 times more than I hate my cats. I think I would only consider a dog when Ben outgrows all toys, so like high school and that’s just to even consider. Buddy’s a cat and steals all Ben’s toys. He got a bowling set and 3 out of 6 stuffed pins are missing. I HATE him. Literally any of Ben’s toys I just forget to pick up you better believe Buddy is gonna take them. And I have no idea where he takes them. I gotta start keeping all doors upstairs closed again. I’ve never had a cat do that. Luna used to take socks in the litter box when it needed changed when we lived in my first apartment but never took anything else....Oh...Zack found my ring...in a drawer I had completely taken apart. I heard him go in there this morning. Didn’t say anything. Gets home tonight and asks me if I’ve looked for it today (I hadn’t because I knew he had it) and he goes upstairs with Benjamin to “look”, is up there for two seconds and comes back down “found it” I think he thinks I’m dumb.Anyways one of my boobs points sideways and I’m pumping right now and I’m pretty sure I have more in my bra than in the bottle. I think that’s also the reason hates that side. It’s always been like that. Even before breastfeeding. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 11, 2020

I’ve lost my ring. I took it off in Ben’ room the other day to put his bum cream on and I can’t find it. I even looked through his diaper genie bags from the past week. I figured if I could make sure it’s not in the garbage there’s hope. Unless I put it back on but took it off in my sleep I have no idea. No animals are allowed in his room so...it doesn’t make any sense. It’s nowhere in his room. I had my eyes on it for days and it didn’t move for days and then Zack does ben’s bedtime stuff last night and this morning it’s gone. I don’t understand. So he either took it to prove a point, to sell for his eBay money or he took it because he’s upgrading. I turned the room upside down and it wouldn’t fit through the bottom of the door and the heater is on the opposite side of the room and there’s no place for it to go under or behind it. I’m baffled. last time Zack was mad when he saw the ring sitting there so I’m 99% sure he took it. He denies it though. I literally moved EVERYTHING and went through his closet and all the drawers in his dresser and took everything off the top of the dresser and it’s not there. if I did in fact lose it this is why I’ve always said to Zack to not get me a real diamond and to just get me something that looks like a diamond like white sapphire or something. It’s gotta be somewhere in the house. Pretty sure a cat wouldn’t eat it. if it did somehow make it out of his room. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 10, 2020

Ben was doing the CUTEST thing this morning. I was doing rasberries on him and he grabbed my arm and did rasberries back. It made my whole day. I sucked up my laziness today too and took Benjamin for a quick walk. I am SO out of shape. Fifteen minute walk and I can hardly breathe. I would have walked longer but I was severly overdressed (as in too warm) I figure 15 minutes is better than none at all. 

LATER

Ugh I could cry rn it’s so stupid. I had Neverwinter Nights almost beat but I fucked something up and now I’m at a complete standstill and there’s nothing I can do to beat it. So I lost over a month of progress cause that’s the last time I did a back up (May 5th) It’s so stupid I’m this upset. I’m playing my backup and I’m SO upset because it’s not an easy game. I’m hoping if I just take a certain partner I’ll blow through it. I’m SO upset. I’ve looked for alternate ways to beat this guy but there really isn’t any. I didn’t do the thing you need to do to weaken him enough to beat him so I’m basically back at the beginning of the game almost. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 9, 2020

Well Zack had sold a $1000 card...the guy decided 8 days later he wants a refund, after Zack has already put it all on bills. The guy said the product wasn’t as described but it was so Zack is trying to fight it. We’re both so stressed out. eBay has the money back guarantee so....hopefully this is the rare occasion when the seller wins, cause the buying opened a dispute. Anyways Mel and I were talking about school because she’s trying to get into the bridging program and I got thinking that the more time that passes the less I want to go back to school. I don’t want to take more of a loan for nothing. I already have $17k with nothing to show for it. I fail post secondary every time I try, so... I don’t mind debt, I don’t want any more debt with nothing to show for it. I never pursued finishing my LPN after the third time I failed (I settled for my acute care PSW certificate) because I can work in nursing homes for the same pay LPNs make in the hospital. I do wish I had known about being a LC right out of high school, maybe I would have gone straight for my RN, instead of business. Zack has an interview today for a meat manager job, he says he’d be making between$40k and $60k a year. $60k is what we’re making combined right now. Maybe I could almost be a SAHM. We could really use something good. Zack has his parents’ issue where he thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and knows better than everyone and nobody will touch him because of the people he knows. I don’t know how I loved them so much. When we go over with Ben, his mom pointedly won’t let me hold him, she wouldn’t even let me nurse him before we ate supper on Sunday. I was so mad, I said he was thirsty/hungry and she just carried him away and said supper will be ready soon. I brought his baby food but when we got home he breastfed for 40 minutes (normally nurses for 10-20) I really think they’re all trying to edge out my breastfeeding. Little do they know I’ll be doing it as long as Ben wants or I dry up. Might even do it past 2 if I can just to spite them. WHO recommends doing it for 2 years anyways. Ben was laughing up a storm while I was getting breakfast ready. Zack did hear my nurse say that even though Ben’s getting solids that breastmilk is still priority and should be his primary source of nutrition until he’s 1. I honestly want to let Ben self wean, even if he goes past 2. I’m definitely going to have weaning depression, Ugh I hate when Ben needs to poop. he won’t nurse if he needs to poop. 

LATER

He finally pooped but he’s cutting his second tooth so he’s still screaming and exhausted but won’t go back to sleep. I would go for a drive but I can’t drive my car because it failed the safety for brakes. I just don’t want to risk anything with Ben and I also don’t want my front brakes to go because they’d be doing even more work because they said my rear brakes are totally done. Plus Zack has the car seat base in his car. I went for a drive the other night alone after Ben had gone to bed and it was awful. I’m so fat now, I need to start exercising if I’m going to eat like I do. Even my dad has started making comments. I’d like to meet a man who is consistenly nice to me....I figure if even my dad is like that there’s no hope. I need my hair cut. I haven’t had it cut since a week before Ben was born. It’s almost down to my ass. I’ve had to start putting it in a bun becaue ponytails won’t stay because it’s so heavy.

EVEN LATER

I’m going to have to switch Ben’s car seat soon. Ben was 27.5 inches at his appointment May 19 and the limit is 29 inches and 22lbs. I think I’m just going to switch when I get my car fixed just to be on the safe side. OMG I found this mom vlogger and I LOVE her. She’s pregnant with her 5th. Her channel is Britneyandbaby. I went back a year when I subscribed to her the other day. I got some good news today. The interview went amazing for Zack apparently. I hope he gets it. But that’ll mean he’s working more and later than he is right now. He’d be going every day to get the department organized the way he wants it. Hopefully though he’ll still be doing 7-4 or 8-5 but he will have to work an evening once a week at least. Ben is doing acrobatics in his crib. He’s such a weirdo. I love him so much. I hope we’re close when he’s older.

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 7, 2020

So a raccoon got into our garbage and Zack pointedly left the mess for me. He never washes a dish, never cleans the bathroom, never washes the floor, spends very minimul time with Ben the least he can goddamn do is the goddamn garbage. When we moved in together I said if he cooked I’d clean but adding a child changes things and 90% of the time he just gets takeout so....It’s so lazy, I can’t stand it. If Ben ever brings a girl home and she becomes my daughter in law and she says he’s lazy oh you better believe I’ll be on her side and give Ben a firm talking to. Zack’s not even home. I literally just stood in the middle of the kitchen and screamed because on top of leaving me the mess outside he can’t even change a goddamn garbage bag and every goddamn morning I wake up to all the garbages being overflowing because he’s too goddamn lazy to fucking empty them. And if by the mercy of fucking God he does he doesn’t even put a new goddamn bag in. If kim liked me I’d message her but her perfect son can do no wrong I actually wouldn’t because it doesn’t seem right but omg sometimes....what a way to start a goddamn day. I’m 40 minutes behind giving Ben breakfast and he’s screaming because I had to deal with the fucking mess Zack left me. I think what makes me so angry is that when we lived in the apartment and i was a slob he literally treated me like trash and wouldn’t look at or speak or spend time with me until I cleaned it top to bottom. Then we move into this house andn I do my best to keep it clean and he’s the biggest slob in the goddamn world. Like he’d lose his shit at me in the old apartment if he had to vaccuum. Honestly think about messaging Kim on the daily to tell her she fucking failed. I never would but. He doesn’t even make his own goddamn appointments 99% of the time. She legit calls for his hair appts and schedules them for him. Honestly I’m more mad at her than him. He was raised to be this way. 

LATER

Ben’s morning nap was 10 minutes and it’s too late to try and save it. He pooped is why.I left him in the crib for the whole half an h our because he wasn’t crying or fussing he was just awake. I felt so bad

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 6, 2020

I just let Ben have a 50 minute morning nap intead of 30. He had his first rabbit turd for me today. I’ve been looking for a new face cream because the kind I’ve been using has been causing breakouts. 

LATER

I’m so fucking mad right now. Zack has said he doesn’t want Ben and I seeing anyone besides my parents and his parents because of the COVID stuff even though our province has allowed visits with close friends and family. I wanted to go see my grandmother and friend Krista and a couple of weeks ago he made an exception for his uncle because he wanted a new shower faucet. and then just now he said that he’s planning a night out with his guy friends to a bar here. and that his friend is dropping stuff off and might meet Ben tomorrow and i was like where the hell was this when I wanted to see people in my life?! and he backpedaled so hard and said that once his uncle came it was a free for all. even though that’s not what he had been saying because I’ve asked about people since and he said no. It’s like he’s been trying to keep me isolated. I hate how men think they can control women. I told Mel if she wants to visit this summer she can. I miss being able to stay up as late as I want. I was a MEAN MEAN mother this afternoon. I feel so bad. When Ben and I were having a snuggle nap he had just fallen asleep and I had to use the bathroom so I ninja’d out of the bed but when I got back into bed he woke up and lost his shit for an hour I think because he needed to poop because no matter what I did he wouldn’t stop crying and kicking me while we were laid down so I tried to stop him from kicking and he was still screaming so i tried lifting him up and down above my head and his head flopped and slammed right into my chin and he lost it even more and I felt SO SO BAD. Eventually he did fall asleep again. I sang and rocked him back and forth and put him on the boob and he did settle. I felt so bad because I got SO IRRITATED. We’re fine though because he was laughing all evening and we had a good snuggle nap. I just hate feeling irritated with him because he’s such a sweet and good baby and I love him so much. I never do anything mean to him i just get frustrated and I feel bad for that. He really is the absolute sweetest boy and he deserves the world. 

[thegingerbookaholic]

June 5, 2020

I never mentioned this before because I didn’t think anything of it but Zack’s mom has been getting a room ready for Ben at their house. I think she knows that Zack wants to leave me and she wants a place for Benjamin and will probably try to get Zack custody. If we do split I imagine they’ll all fight very dirty. Anyways I think I need to drastically cut back on solids with Ben. He barely wants to nurse anymore, I also feel like Zack is trying to get him off the boob because whenever he feeds him he overfeeds him and he thinks that solids should be his main source of nutrition now but he can’t properly digest solids yet to get all the nutrients he needs. I think that breakfast and lunch I’ll do baby led weaning foods and then for supper I’ll give him his puree and cereal. He’s nursed less than an hour total all day. I wanted to throw him out a window today. Not actually but I hate fighting with him trying to get him to nurse. I did eventually get him to nurse and he had a power nap so we’re better now. I stripped him down to his diaper and stripped my top half and did skin to skin and it worked. Zack came home with food and chocolate for me tonight and I was happy but as soon as he finished feeding Ben he went to deal with eBay stuff that he had all night to do because they don’t close. Anyways he did come back down. I am SO TIRED OF STINKING. I put deodorant on several times a day and shower every day or every other day and I still stink all the time. I’ve put deodorant on every time I’ve changed Ben’s diaper today AND showered and I STILL stink. Ever since I got pregnant and especially since I’ve been breastfeeding. Hopefully it’ll go away when Ben’s done breastfeeding (whenever that will be, aiming for two years) I’ve never had BO before and now I can hardly stand myself.