I’m deteriorating.
My mental health, is deteriorating.
I’ve spent countless hours sitting, and thinking; rethinking, what’s wrong with me? Why is this happening?
My thoughts are killing me. I, am killing me.
It’s dark in here, in my mind. I think of hurting; myself, and the people who’ve hurt me.
I sit and stare at the ceiling, 3 a.m, Feeling whatever’s left of my heart and soul shatter. Too sad to even cry, I think I ran out of tears a while ago.
I can’t get these images out of my head, they’re engraved on the rolodex of my mind, and I can’t seem to get them to fade.
It’s irritating; you want so much to be happy, but you don’t know how. You honestly question its worth, is happy really better? Is it real? So you shrug it off, because you’re too sad to even put effort into trying to be happy.
The world moves around you. You see society making relationships and friends, laughs and smiles, you wish so much to be like them. You wish to flourish. You get a small ember of hope in the pit of your stomach, you start to smile…but that ember is quickly extinguished, your smile fades, because you remembered that you’re you, and that in it’s self was enough to prove you weren’t worthy of happiness.
I can’t express the hate I have for myself. I’ve never hated anything more than I hate myself. I hope and dream that one day I won’t be plagued with this sadness. The loneliness is killing me. I’m crying out for help. I just want a friend, fucking someone to talk to, I would cherish that greatly.
I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I want to lay down, and sleep forever. I’ll continue to watch Netflix by myself, to sit and crumble away while my old friends forget me. While the world forgets me.
Or maybe it just never knew me anyway. And because of that, I’m deteriorating.
I’m truly deteriorating.
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