That Really Jars My Binks

Leah, 30s. Editor, game dev, writer, programmererer. I'm largely Books, shitposts, and rambles. Book interests include: Robin Hobb, CJ Cherryh, Branderson, WoT, Garth Nix, Ursula Le Guin, Yoon Ha Lee, Becky Chambers, & others. Header by lauratolton on deviantart and DP by glorya.artstation.com.

[thehardkandy]

Officially started putting my plans into a calendar there's so turning back

[thehardkandy]

Estrogen does such a fuckin number on you. I posted to my insta story about eating a tomato mayo sandwich and someone replying to it made me start sob crying (in like a happy way). Kinda musing on that

like obviously you have all seen me being normalmaxxing into the only abnormal way i know how. and we'll say "normalmaxxing" but basically i just seem to have insane charisma when talking to other autistic people specifically (according to them).

but i have been working on making sure that isn't just idk confined to people i am hooking up with or something like i've tried to cultivate.... normal casual relationships?

like im been actively pushing myself to like the insta stories of people ive met once or twice in passing. give an off-hand comment ('omg so cool i love to do x!') but then not press further until there's another time when i feel i have something random to say.

i also have made a whole deal out of saying yes to things lately ofc, but i also AM saying no when i need to. going "omg no i cant go! hope you have fun though" instead of spiraling with FOMO OR overextending myself

but idk getting the comment on the mayo sandwich thing felt like that. was from dj i met a while back and went to an afterparty with. i left that afterparty early cause it was late and i still felt like id had a good time. ive been doing normal casual messages since then cause idk theyre just fun and cool. was at another one of their events last night tho it was to spend time with GF so I said hi and then left, making sure to send a wicked normal "your set was very fun" in the morning.

and now in the time ive typing this we've gone from mayo convo to starting to make plans to hang out and/or go to a video game arcade??? just wow im being so normal.....

but where the convo is at now isnt even what made me cry!!! it was just the fucking feeling of connecting to new people again.........

i think ive articulated this point in the last week or two, but im basically losing the fear that one mistake and i lose the only good things i have, because im starting to not feel like when people like me, it's because i've tricked them, or they just dont know me well enough. like obviously i still barely know so many of these people, but on a very real level, i have been the most Myself i have ever been lately

like i feel like im just starting to feel like a woman. i went to the party in a pretty ugly outfit last night. a cheap skirt that didn't match, and i've never left my whole alone while wearing a skirt before. i HAVE done it before, but it was always rarely and prompted by someone else.

and im going to all these sapphic spaces. and im meeting all these women. im buying trinkets. people are smiling at people. i have made myself start trying a second time because it's been more than 15 years since ive been this happy this often. i still get anxious. i am still crashing out. im not cured because ive gone outside. but in general i feel like i have reclaimed a level of self-confidence and outgoing-ness i havent had for 15+ years. ARGHGHHGHHGHG

i dont think i realize i could love my life this much again. i am not trying to get pessimistic instead im just gonna. live in the moment. learn what i can. and use it as yet another building block to keep moving forward--because where i am now isn't a mistake. it is something i have worked towards (2012 realizing i might actually survive and making new friends => getting creative and engaging with my uni studies => moving out => transitioning => getting a career => getting happy on my own => going out again => etc. etc. etc.). this are decisions i remember making and pursuing just so i can get back like. the vibe of what i lost back in fuckinnggggg 2009. we shall be healthy and moving forward everyone

[thehardkandy]

she snork on my mi till i mi

[apolladay]

What music app do you use

Spotify

Pandora (why?)

SoundCloud

YouTube (true neutral)

yt music

results

Remaining time: 6 days 13 hours

[headspace-hotel]

Youtube...It's not really that I prefer it, more so that I have 10 years worth of playlists accumulated like tree rings

[thehardkandy]

Still feeling zany. Might hit the club on a Wednesday this week..............

[lemonsweet]

Do you remember the episode of Spongebob where he's training gary for the snail race and does a coach persona + calls gary a girl and has an aside where he's like "I called you a lady to demean you 🤓" and right after he says that it cuts to sandy and she somehow telepathically feels that Spongebob just did something misogynistic and us like I feel like I need to kick Spongebobs ass for some reason. And then she appears just at the end of the episode to kick his ass.

[loveridden1999]

if i was a soccer player i'd simply kick that ball in the goal instead of wasting everyone's time

[jmfenner91]

[eurobeatbeetle]

[fivehoursofscreaming]

oh

[eurobeatbeetle]

bring out the rotating tiger

[fivehoursofscreaming]

so youre telling me that some asshole can just throw together meaningless shit and get notes and attention yet when i put actual thought into the things i say nothing happens i am so fucking done with this bullshit god damn fuck

[ashes2caches]

one time a guy friend told me he was quitting league of legends and literally two weeks later she was on estrogen. these events are intrinsically connected in my mind.

[eightyonekilograms]

There is still time [to stop playing league of legends]

[griffonatrix]

[thehardkandy]

Moving photos to a locked folder on Android is extremely ineffective at times because at least half the time, if it was the most recent pic for example, when the camera is open it'll still be previewed from the camera roll, and even when I've been swiping through the camera roll it'll usually jump scare you at least once for another second or two before disappearing

[dogpuppy]

[thehardkandy]

Oughhhhhh such a good weekend. The dyke days of summer are so good......

[real-language-facts]

masquerade (noun) - a lemonade made out of masks

[transmutationisms]

[txttletale]

efforts towards a "positive vision of masculinity" or whatever are so funny because what these guys are trying to figure out is literally "what's a way of being a good person that's Not For Girls™"