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@theholdfastbarber
when someone with anxiety asks ‘do you love me?’ ‘are you sure?’ don’t get angry. we’re trying hard, but sometimes we need reassurance. we feel like no one likes us sometimes. deep down, we know it’s silly. but that doesn’t stop us. we’re still learning. be patient.
j.e.b. ((about a girl with anxiety that thinks everyone hates her.))
How Things Work.
It’s crazy how the world works sometimes. Can it all truly be coincidence?
I’m a tried and true nonbeliever.
But days (weeks) like these make me think. Are there Fates pulling our lives through the ether, is Karma a real and solid thing, or is all bullshit and sometimes we just get lucky enough to string together a few good days?
Three weeks ago I was in a pretty bad place. In the midst of a month of fuck me, are you fucking with me days.
These past two weeks? Good. Building upon one another.
More to the point, I have been wanting to make a zine ever since I discovered the Pioneer Press crew. About as far as that want went.
‘till a few days ago. A good day that got me really thinking about the guts of that zine sitting on a shelf in my on top of boxes of other lost thoughts and grand ideas.
Then today. Where an email touched my heart and my wanting to do a zine is now a doing of a zine. Basic layouts. Expanding of ideas into quick sketches. Muscle memory coming back. Quicker than I would have thought. Which excites me. Makes me nervous and anxious. Is it good? Will anyone want to buy or even read it?
New meds do their job and assist in helping me off the ledge.
Conflicted every fucking time I think of that. How do I want to fight Big Pharma and at the same time be thankful for their advances?
Fuck me, right?
But I digress (with apologies to Peter David, from whom I stole this).
Thank you for the email Jessie. I will be writing back soon. Still processing these last few weeks. Afraid to exhale out of fear that this happy period will go away with the breath.
"IT'S THE OLD WEST ALL OVER AGAIN," HE SAYS. "THE NEW OLD WEST. THE FRONTIER, NOW THAT THE FRONTIER IS A STRIPMALL"
Ben Frank—dirty, tired, just in from Chicago by way of Florida by way of Texas. He wears horn-rimmed glasses and an old suit with a giant paperback book shoved in the side pocket (Ed Distler’s Ghosts and The Amazon). His leather dress-shoes are giant, like clown shoes. One has laces, untied. One is wrapped with duct tape. Across the duct tape is the word PIZZA written in black marker. Ben Frank pulls his knees up under his chin, wraps his arms around his legs, and tells Joey how he spent the spring. Greyhound buses, cross-country on a faked Ameripass. San Diego to Atlanta. Shoplifting his dinner in Salt Lake City, paranoid about Mormons. Hitchhiking through Arizona. Coming down off pills and dazzled by the lights of Boulder. Evading arrest for shoplifting in Sioux City. Sleeping under an overpass and nearly killed by a flashflood. Hiding out with Henny Lee Bluefeather, a beautiful Native American girl (blind since birth) at her brother’s cattle ranch on the edge of town. (Stories concerning Henny Lee: 1) Listening to raindrops while sitting inside an old fridge in a vacant field. Her idea. 2) Reading Ed Distler’s A Book of Lists, “The tank was hit by the shell and they felt nothing. You don’t wake up dead like Private Carvelle told Morris. You don’t wake up at all. Sixteen years later, a field of purple flowers shuddering in the breeze, and in the soil the shattered bones of Carvelle’s face.” 3) Climbing the water tower and firing her dad’s Colt .45 into the great deep-red dusk. A eulogy to her father Tom on the anniversary of his death.) “Joey, the worst part was the cops. I’m on the road all time but I’ve never seen this many cops. Iowa cops are the worst. Sitting in their fucking highway patrol cars, spitting dip into a Gatorade bottle, just waiting for you. What kind of person voluntarily becomes a cop. Why would you be like, ‘I want to be evil when I grow up.’ Why?” He tells Joey about superhuman kids across the country who shoplift all day and dig for food in the dumpster and hop trains and drink wine by the bucket and give themselves tattoos with each other’s names. He tells him about the photocopied magazines they make with the stories of their triumphs, their battles with society, their great heartbroken tragedies. It’s the Old West all over again, he says. The New Old West. The frontier, now that the frontier is a stripmall.
Order Caveworld here from Pioneers Press for $13. (Photo by Dakota Floyd.)
I seriously just feel like throwing all the money I don't have at gnade every time he post samples of his writing that I don't currently own. So fucking good.
It Never Ended.
Just realizing that I'm a few months away from 39, and I haven't lost my urge to rail against the corporate overlords/mindset. I honestly thought when I was in my 20's I would be over the anger and befuddlement of the evil empires, but nah. Still there. I'm a week away from telling retail to fuck off for good, and I'm still arguing with upper management about low pay and shitty hours. I'm totally not bummed by this at all. In fact it's something I can hang my hat on.
Some photos from the journey so far, pt. 9 (4/11/15):
1. MariNaomi @ Headquarters on 4th 2. Nykky Gomez @ HQ on 4th 3. Kelli Callis @ HQ on 4th 4. Neelybat Chestnut @ HQ on 4th 5. Who glued these quarters down? What the hell for, man? (I don’t feel the need to explain my art to you, Warren.) 6. So much drama in the LBZ (haha) 7. Stickers of Long Beach 8. You know a place is alright if there’s a typewriter on the wall.
Empire Records. Love it.
"who knows where ideas come from..."
Arrived the day before Easter. Another solid order from the fine Pioneer Press crew. I found them through Adam Gnade’s Big Sad, but Jessie Duke’s Hard Fifty Farm is killing it right now with me. If Adam is speaking to my mental state, and helping me get my head back on point (to such a degree that is possible and wanted), Jessie is speaking to my spiritual state, and helping me realize that my dreams of future rural living aren’t all that crazy. I don’t know. Maybe it’s right time right place for these ‘zines. I’m going through a couple transitions right now and I was definitely searching for like minds and a bit of direction. Whatever the reason I can’t deny the helpfulness of both of these writers and pioneers during this period of my life.
PS. Those hand-made “farm punk” patches are a thing we’ll have available on our site later today!
The patch was an awesome surprise. Definitely fits my current state of mind. Thanks again!
Arrived the day before Easter. Another solid order from the fine Pioneer Press crew. I found them through Adam Gnade's Big Sad, but Jessie Duke's Hard Fifty Farm is killing it right now with me. If Adam is speaking to my mental state, and helping me get my head back on point (to such a degree that is possible and wanted), Jessie is speaking to my spiritual state, and helping me realize that my dreams of future rural living aren't all that crazy. I don't know. Maybe it's right time right place for these 'zines. I'm going through a couple transitions right now and I was definitely searching for like minds and a bit of direction. Whatever the reason I can't deny the helpfulness of both of these writers and pioneers during this period of my life.
Five Questions We Always Ask People We Love
Installment #8, Julia Eff, author of the zines Every Thug is a Lady, All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues, ETC! Find Julia’s zines here.
This is fantastic. I could read these all day.
Shit I think about as I’m falling asleep
Is it common to have anxiety over your anxiety not being enough anxiety for other people?
Saturday’s Negotiations. Part One.
Saturday's at school (The Shop) are the worst day for my anxiety. Actually it starts well before I even get to school. Pretty much when I wake up dead tired and exhausted from the week is when the negotiating with my anxiety begins. My day at The Shop on Saturdays are usually good days where I can refine my progressions from the week.
At The Shop Saturdays are my Fridays. And only at The Shop. At the paying job my Friday is often elusive and hard to pin down. Between the two, actual Fridays never behave like Fridays and very rarely do I get a proper Saturday. On the best of weeks I can enjoy an actual Sunday (Shop Saturday) of doing fuck all for anyone except me and my crew of family and friends. On the worst it’s a week of weekdays,
But I digress.
Saturdays at the shop bring to surface my oldest anxiety haunt of no control. It comes to light due to The Shop closing about six hours earlier than normal during the week. But “closing” doesn’t necessarily mean leaving. Six hours earlier can quickly become four or three hours earlier. The loophole here is that if you have a reason to bail early. Job. Outing. Whatever. They don’t question your reason.
So me and anxiety sit down over waffles and coffee and try to reach an agreement:
But I did make the commitment to The Shop and I need the hours to graduate. But I want to go home ASAP. If I work I want more time at home before leaving again. It’ll probably be dead, no worries. Unless a shave comes in at 20 till and I’m there an extra 50 minutes. That was like once, fucking get over it. Once so far...
If my excuse to bail is bullshit, it’s never made during this time. I plan well enough ahead to know when I need an afternoon off from the rigors of a long week. No. This is more of a negotiation of a separation between two jaded lovers who use the excuse of a Saturday to fire volleys at each other. The well lit area in my head he has enjoyed for so long is starting to become the shady part of town and he’s looking for a streetlight amongst the shadows.
And Saturday is one of the few remaining lights I haven't thrown a rock at yet.
Here is a resentful carousel donkey amid frolicking ponies on a two-story carousel in Nice. I was there for a bookstore event at the Librairie Massena, which instantly became one of my favourite bookstores ever. It’s beautiful and well-curated. Something that all countries seem to have in common: booksellers are wonderful people. It is a pleasure and a privilege to spend so much time with people who care that much about books.
This afternoon: Paris, rain, cappuccino, an event at Shakespeare & Company later.
The Breakfast Club turned 31 years old today. This classic 80s movie has so much wisdom to share.
Screws do fall out. The world is an imperfect place.
And when you grow up, your heart can die.
The characters discuss experience neglect and abuse, and talk openly about slut shaming.
Most of all, it showed that people are more than what they seem.
So, to celebrate this movie we wanted to share some booklists for characters that are more than they seem.
Andy is an athlete in detention for an extreme act of bullying (he duct taped someone in a very uncomfortable place). So, he might benefit from the perspective found in Leverage by Joshua C. Cohen, which a stark look at the realities of locker room bullying. As a wrestler, he might enjoy the graphic novel, Andre the Giant: A Legendary Life by Michael Krugman. And he might find himself surprised by how much he relates to the main character in The Sweetheart by Angelina Mirabella, a coming-of-age novel about a girl who is recruited to be a professional wrestler.
The Universe vs. Alex Woods by Gavin Extence would be perfect for Brian — it’s about an extraordinarily smart boy who’s been bullied, but know he is destined for greatness. As a member of the physics (and math, and chess) clubs, he might enjoy What is Relativity? by Jeffrey Bennett, which explains Einstein’s greatest ideas. And as a bit of a nerd, the text-based role-playing game that drives the plot of Wolf in White Van by John Darnielle would probably appeal to him.
Allison is not even supposed to be in detention. Everyone has deemed her an outcast, but she’s really quite insightful and observant about people. She might like the new YA novel Read Between the Lines by Jo Knowles, a day in the life of the complex social hierarchy in a suburban high school. But she might also like the literary short story collection St. Lucy’s Home for Girls Raised by Wolves by Karen Russell. As an outcast, she might relate to the struggling rock journalist teenager in How to Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran.
I Will Save You by Matt de la Pena is about a boy living in a group home wondering if he could ever be with the beautiful, popular girl who seems perfect — which Bender might relate to. He also might like Charm & Strange by Stephanie Kuehn — a book about a boy with a terrible father and a terrible secret. Bruiser by Neal Shusterman is a suspenseful novel about the sacrifices we make for the people we love.
Claire, the popular princess, might related to the trials of Astrid, the anti-hero of Firecracker by David Iverson, who despite being the daughter of a billionaire, is forced to go to private school. She should appreciate the lessons learned by the popular girls in Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. Although she’s falling for a bad boy, she might enjoy reading about the perfect boy falling for a troubled girl in Dare You To by Katie McGarry.
This. This is fucking awesome.
Before and after of my back yard from yesterday. Incredibly grateful to have a yard for her to run around in now that she’s old enough, but I’m longing for the time where we can have afford a few acres or more for to her to really spread her wings.
It’s hard for me to believe how much more hope and happiness there is my life from just these past few weeks. And seeing my daughter running in a fresh cut yard on an early Texas spring day with the faint scent of a neighbors grill hanging in the air, drives home how important it was for me to make changes in my life. It’s not a fast and easy change and just because I’m happy today won’t guarantee a happy tomorrow. It’s a work in progress. A grind. An attitude to take the day as it comes, but to not get lost in the bullshit and drama and lose sight of the destination. And that can be tough work onto itself. And there are still times where I allow myself to fall into the muck of the day and become stuck. Flailing around with all the rest. Hating life. But I started to install safety nets to help me out of these situations. Back pocket pep talks. Lists. Being honest with anyone who asks about my anxiety. Writing about it.
Yard work helps too. Hard labor if only for a few hours every week or so. And enjoying the results help. My kid running with the mutt as her last activity of the day before bed. All of us enjoying the cool Texas evenings while they last.
Despite the days of setbacks that have already transpired and all the ones yet to come, for the first time in a long time I can say I’m happy and really mean it.
Its been warming up really quickly here (in the Yukon). Suns been out! Heres a banjo a just finished building, along with its first
I’m always in danger of falling down rabbit holes online, and while sometimes they amount to nothing but lost time and regrets, Every now and again I manage to strike gold and come out the other end better for the adventure. My recent trip through punk homesteading introduced me (amongst other amazing idea) to Cud Eastbound. His music has been getting me by these past few days and it’s worth a listen if you have a special place in your heart for simpler times and slow moments.
The link is to his current project of living in a van through a Yukon winter. His music is also available on Bandcamp.
There’s no way to bullshit around this. This book is the reason I’m in a better, healthy place today. And for this blog. I’ll do my best to keep the Gnade and Pioneer Press fandom to a lowish rumble, but I am all in with this crew, what they’re doing and what they stand for. If you have anxiety, depression, the toxic habit of letting shit build, boil over, and grind you down before letting it out or processing it, this book is for you.
I kept my so-far-first copy in my back pocket for two weeks until I recently loaned out to fellow barber-student who was dealing with some shit and trying to figure what their next move was going to be. It was hard to hand it over. And will be harder yet if it helps them out, because I won’t be able to take it back. Books like this are meant to passed on to others who can benefit. Do good. Be loyal.
Sometimes you are the friend that is needed to carry others home.
JUST GOT WORD A FREIGHT TRUCK IS BRINGING A PALLET OF THESE BOOKS OF MINE TO THE FARM TOMORROW. PRETTY EXCITED. FIFTH PRINTING IN TWO YEARS! 2015, THE "YEAR OF REALIZING YOUR DREAMS AND TAKIN' SHIT TO THE NEXT LEVEL"! FUCK YEAH
(Photo by Jessie Duke)
You can find the books here:
$7
http://pioneerspress.com/catalog/books/4082/
Fuck yeah. Just loaned out my original copy. Might be a permanent donation, so I'll be looking to ordering a new one soon.
