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Ghost Of Famed FAU Football Coach Howard Schnellenberger Spotted Shitting On Howard Schnellenberger Field

A spooky sighting has occurred on FAU’s campus ahead of Halloween–– no, it’s not a disgraced Owlsley snorting 30 lines of coke, a blood sacrifice, or even prolapsed asshole in the campus rec–– rather unbelievably, a ghost has been spotted at FAU! And not just any ghost mind you, as the ghastly visage was confirmed to be our very own Howard Schnellenberger. Even more interesting, is where Mr.…

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Breaking: FAU To Begin Holding Tailgates After Football Games To Encourage Game Attendance

This past Monday, FAU Administration announced that, from now on, tailgaters would be forced to hold their celebrations until football games ended in order to encourage game attendance. In the past, tailgates have been famously held in the afternoon or morning prior to a football game. During tailgates, students often become quite intoxicated and occasionally forgo attending the later game due to…

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Victorian Literature Professor Wishes It Was Like The Good Ol' Days

Victorian Literature Professor Wishes It Was Like The Good Ol’ Days

“I know you’ve heard this before,” said Dr. Jim Keads, Professor of Classical and Victorian Literature, “but gosh I wish it was like the old days.” A popular statement uttered by the older generations at FAU and across the country, Baby Boomers wishing it was like when they were younger is not uncommon. However, Prof. Keads disagrees with all of those people. He doesn’t wish it was like when he…

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Peeping Tom Disguised As Iguana Caught In IVA Student's Bathroom

Peeping Tom Disguised As Iguana Caught In IVA Student’s Bathroom

As Halloween edges nearer, it’s not uncommon for us to spot a few eager students donning their Halloween costumes before the holiday. However, a recent report shows that some might be dressing up for far more nefarious reasons. Stephanie Stepscheister woke up the morning of September 28th expecting a nice warm shower, what she received instead was an ice-cold shock. “I walked into our shared…

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Forensics Student A Little Too Into Coursework

With special niche social sciences professions come special responsibility. No one is more eager to embrace such than sophomore Cathy Vitale, aged 20, who, according to generous testimonials, is “way too into the dead people murder stuff.” Vitale, a very polite and somewhat shy young woman with a heavy, foreboding aura, can be spotted staring at the cabinet of skulls in SO-190 and gently tracing…

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Top 7 Ways To Avoid That Tinder Match You Accidentally Ghosted

We’ve all been there before. You match with someone great on Tinder but, of course, you’re a busy person. Without intending to, you’ve ghosted a Tinder match! Or maybe you did intend to. We won’t tell. Here are some tips on how to avoid that poor Tinder match on campus. 1. Run The oldest trick in the book is the avoidance strategy. You see that Tinder match, you book it in the other direction.…

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New Mask Mandate: Everyone Required To Wear Face Coverings Except Your Hot TA

As the fall 2021 semester begins at Florida Atlantic University, administration has changed the school’s mask policy multiple times. This past Tuesday, they’ve announced a new policy that they hope will satisfy student and faculty concerns. Now, all students and faculty must wear a mask for any on campus activity. Many are raising eyebrows at the small caveat to this policy- the one…

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Pres. Kelly Promoted To The Board Of Trustees' Best Owl Boi

Pres. Kelly Promoted To The Board Of Trustees’ Best Owl Boi

Reports are coming in from the Office of the President of the University that the rumors of Pres. John Kelly’s promotion by FAU’s Board of Trustees has been confirmed. Rumors of a promotion have been circulating ever since Kelly Tweeted “I love my big purse daddies, #FAUBoardOfTrustees” back in July shortly after the announcement that FAU will be going back to in-person classes despite the…

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FAU Wimberly Library Set To Renovate 5th Floor Into An Indoor Trampoline Park

The crown jewel of FAU’s Boca Raton campus is set to undergo massive renovations. It’s not Howard Schnellenberger Field (the football stadium’s actual name), or our state-of-the-art rec center, but Wimberly Library. Plans have already been set in motion to completely renovate the 5th floor into a Sky Zone themed trampoline park. President John Kelly has spoken with numerous construction…

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Student Unsure How To Cite Ouija Board In MLA

As students prepare for final exams, English majors across all of FAU’s campuses are compiling journal articles and other research and building works cited pages for their final essays. One student, Sophomore Tyler Adams, has gotten in contact with Hoot correspondents in search of any solutions to a particular problem. “Well, you see, I was in a rut,” said Adams over a Zoom call. “I was a…

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Local Former Gifted Kid Accepts Invitation To Honors Society Just To Feel Something

This past Monday, a local former gifted kid accepted an invitation to an honors society at FAU just to feel something. It is common knowledge amongst former gifted students, and those who are unfortunate enough to be around them for more than five minutes, that they experienced a difficult time as students and now crave validation in their adult lives. As college students, however, such…

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FAU Sends Parking Tickets To Students Living At Home To Mimic Campus Life

Even with campus continuing to open up as Covid restrictions loosen, there is still a large student population that is completing their classes online. FAU’s thoughtful administration has come up with a way to remind students what campus life was like: sending parking tickets students would have normally received at school to their houses. These tickets have been a hit amongst the student…

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An Open Letter From The Dirty Laundry In Your Chair

Dear Human, I really shouldn’t be as surprised as I am about our relationship. Over the last year or so, you’ve been spending less and less time with me, too busy with “Tik Tok” and “School Work” and “having mental breakdowns.” You’ve been doing me less and less, and it’s sad. We’ve been together for so long, and I really don’t want this wedge between us to drive us even further apart. I get…

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President Kelly's Sextape From '84 Leaked Online

President Kelly’s Sextape From ’84 Leaked Online

In what is surprisingly not so shocking news, President Kelly has had his 1984 sextape leaked. It appeared online Thursday night on a random and oddly specific subreddit called r/PresidentKellySextapeFrom1984LeakedOnline. Even weirder, according to multiple reports the subreddit has been active for 5 years with zero posts, and yet it has maintained 50,000 followers before even posting the video.…

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Dark Past Explained: Nova Southeastern Reveals Its Name Was Chosen So Nobody Knows It's A Florida School

Dark Past Explained: Nova Southeastern Reveals Its Name Was Chosen So Nobody Knows It’s A Florida School

Over the past weekend, it was revealed that Nova Southeastern University actually chose the name of its institution so that nobody would know it was a Florida school. Across the nation, despite whatever academic standing they may hold, Florida schools tend to be undervalued due to the state’s general reputation. Due to this, Nova Southeastern made the brave decision to not even mention the…

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A Short History of FAU Blood Sacrifice

Once in a while here at The Hoot, we like to take a break from the breaking news to reflect on FAU’s past. Today, we want to apply a critical lens on a rarely known, and rather secret ritual that took place on campus: blood sacrifice. Yes, you read that right. The pagan founders of this university offered blood to their false gods in an attempt to appease and glorify them. This dark moment in an…

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How These Florida Universities Would React to Being Asked Their Pronouns

It is becoming more and more common these days for college students to get asked what their pronouns are. Of course, this doesn’t mean there aren’t people that are opposed or confused about this whole pronoun thing. We here at the hoot asked the essential question: how would certain Florida Universities respond to someone asking for their pronouns? This is the first time anyone’s ever asked UF…

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