Season ticket on a one way ride

Sirius Black. 22. Marauder, not crusader. We specialise in the wholly impossible.

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Do you think

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Don’t mind him, Professor. He’s convinced himself that he’s the most beautiful thing to grace the earth, but you and I both know that particular position has already been filled by me. [He grinned at the Professor now speaking and gesturing towards what looked like an antique watch but had a faint blue shimmer around it, nothing betraying the fact this his fingers had tightened around Sirius’s with more force than could be comfortable for either of them.]

Red carpet it is then. [He turned to nudge Sirius with his shoulder, a small smile on his face.] Guess they don’t know you’re bringing home a blood-traitor. [And they probably expect Regulus to be with you. Wouldn’t want to cram him into a fireplace.]

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[Sirius could have sworn McGonagall's lips were twitching, but her expression never changed. He reached for the pocket watch the same time as James, gladder than ever to have a blood traitor to take home because he wasn't sure if he'd survive this otherwise.]

Psst, Prongs, you're breaking all the bones in my hand. [It wasn't never let go but it would do.]

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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Yes, well, when my steadfast faith in my own invincibility [As if on cue, the gash across his side began to ache and James almost rolled his eyes at the universe’s timing; a silent “hold on” to his brain that had begun to clamor for pain relief] inevitably gets me killed and I’m busy rotting in my grave, you can stand haughtily by and say “I told you so.” And I do hope you get some enjoyment out of it because King Jamie is writing you out of his will.

[Wicked way? James made a noise of derision, yanked his wand back, and rolled off of Sirius.]

Don’t flatter yourself; I’d go with Lily over you any day.

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[This time, Sirius did close his eyes, counting to ten in his own head. It was a fight to tell himself James didn't mean it like that, that he wasn't being replaced by the queen of swots. But he had the brain of a seventeen-year-old who'd never really learned to share before; logic and rationality and generosity were beyond him whenever James was involved. So, he cracked open an eye, surveying James with what anyone would recognise as a distinctly dangerous glint, and smiled.

In less than a second, he had risen to his feet, and without warning, launched himself at James. The two boys went crashing and rolling on the carpeted floor, so close to the fire that they could feel it on their faces, and Sirius held James down with just enough force to make his illogical, irrational, head-poundingly jealous point clear.]

Don't tell me I'm being written out of the will to make room for Evans. Lily and Jamie. [He smirked, drawing it out.] Got a nice ring to it.

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Do you think

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Are you insane? [James looked over his shoulder, whispering back quickly] Look at us; no one here’s going to the dark side. Moony has Evans for company over there, he’ll be fine. You and I, this’ll last forever. Promise…On that damned biscuit tin. [He turned to face front again just in time to greet his favorite professor with a winning smile]

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[Sirius blinked, startled. He'd only been joking... some seventy-five percent, but the sudden seriousness behind James's light-hearted tone was unexpected. Too shaken to say anything, he beamed up McGonagall.]

Don't mind us, Professor. We're just here to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. [If the corner of her mouth twisted down in something like sympathy, he was too proud to not pretend he hadn't seen, and just reached blindly for James's hand, squeezing hard.] Did they roll out the red carpet and set us up a Portkey, or do we have to squeeze through the old fireplace? You can't hide the truth from us, Professor. You agree with Hogwarts' population that my arse is so fantastic you'd like the rear view too. 

[And this was he, for starters, would be forever forbidden from joining Remus's traitorous ranks.]

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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[James glared down at Sirius, but righted himself easily enough. Playing Quidditch in terrible weather had more of a chance of unseating him than that did, and a smirk played across his lips. In an oft-repeated, quick motion, James drew his wand from the pocket of his coat and then held it to Sirius’s throat, the mahogany slowly tracing the cut of Sirius’s jawline. It might have been more threatening if James would stop laughing; failure to keep a straight face had been his downfall more than once.]

Take - that - back; there’s only one fat bastard here, and it is certainly not me.

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[Sirius nearly closed his eyes, tilting back his head; he didn't know why, but the gesture was almost reflexive, he'd have done far worse if it had been a girl straddling him. And even though it was James, he felt himself to be in no hurry to move.]

Tut, tut, King Jamie the Corpulent. Denial's going to be the end of you someday, you know. [He caught James's wand hand by the wrist, angling the tip of the wand back away from him and back at its master.] The one fat bastard in the room's trying to have his wicked way with me right now.

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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[James glowered up at Sirius. The floor was cold against his palms as he leaned back, but he barely noticed. Babies? Ah, right. Their whole “telepathy of friendship” thing that so infuriated opposing Quidditch teams and professors and always brought a smile to James’s face seemed to be very selective in when it worked. That was a good thing, he supposed. So James sat quietly, biting back retorts, letting Sirius finish. Then, in one swift motion, he grabbed onto Sirius’s legs and pulled, effectively unseating him. Another moment and James had Sirius pinned to the ground by his shoulders, a slow, triumphant grin spreading across James’s face.]

Ha. Pinned ya again. That’s what you get for calling me “Jamie”. [His nose wrinkled. In truth, he didn’t mind it so much, just that no one had ever called him that before.] And for stealing my Swot Throne. And for saying that I have low standards. And for calling me thick. And for shedding everywhere every time you transform. I’m afraid the number and severity of the transgressions you’ve committed makes me obligated, as the rightful Swot King, to banish you from my royal presence.

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Banish me, Jamie? [Sirius grinned, not minding at all the ease with which the balance of power had been reversed. He would have certainly minded a lot, had it been anyone else, but with James, giving was the same as getting. Which still meant that Sirius had a reputation to protect and a sudden need to start breathing with less difficulty. He bucked against James, hips grinding upwards in a nearly reflexive motion as he tried to draw up his legs from under James.]

Your royal presence is so fat it's currently squashing me to death.

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We can send him your dear old mum. That way we have some peace and he’s properly punished for defecting. Cruel and unusual punishment, certainly, but for such a heinous betrayal, something must be done.

I see you’ve worked out my master plan: repopulate the earth with deer and then rule as the Stag King. [James rolled his eyes.] D’you think McGonagall’s forgiven us yet for making all the statues in the school come to life? I feel like she wanted to use that spell herself, oddly enough. [He came to a stop in front of a large door and knocked; she was the only professor he granted that courtesy. Everyone else was treated to his trademark showy entrances]

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[In the brief moment they waited for McGonagall to answer, Sirius caught the Stag King by the sleeve and yanked him back to whisper in his ear:] Promise me on McGonagall's tartan biscuit tin. If either of us goes to the dark side like Moony did, the other one must badger him to death with my mum, more animation spells, and fluffy bunny ears or something. Only the worst punishment for the worst crime, what?

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Ah, right. Give Moony a heart attack, what does he need peace of mind for? What he gets for being a sodding Prefect.

[James tried to block out thoughts of the other 5th year Gryffindor Prefect, who tended to look even more lovely when her cheeks were lightly flushed; granted, where he was concerned they tended to be flushed from anger, but the point still stood. …So much for blocking her out.

James came back to reality right about when he was thrust rather unceremoniously out onto the stairs. In return, he yanked Sirius after him and pushed him ahead down the winding staircase.]

If there are any deer heads mounted on the walls of Grim Old Place, my revenge on your family will be swift and brutal. Prepare accordingly.

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Moony gave up all rights to a long and calm life the second he betrayed us for the badge. He knew the consequences, we can send him a stuffed house-elf's head or something from dear old mum.

[Out the Common Room and down the corridors to McGonagall's office; it was a familiar route for them both, except in reverse.] What'll you do about my dad's hunting trophies, Prongs? Bring them to life and make them repopulate the earth?

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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[James tried again to bat at Sirius’s feet. That endeavor quickly ended with him unseating himself from the chair; he sat, most disgruntled, against the leg of the offending piece of furniture.] Mutt, you’ve unseated me from my throne!

And it is not a disaster! It was, no doubt, but that’s…it’s just…[He struggled to find the right words.] It’s just bloody different now! [It was, wasn’t it? Yet the truth in Sirius’s words stung, and James turned away again. He had changed. She had changed. People grew up. People fell in love, and got married and had kids… Kids. James almost choked, cheeks flushing furiously. Lily had just agreed to go out with him again and he was already coming up with baby names.]

Besides, I’ve dated other girls before - [Being one half of the most popular duo in school made dating incredibly easy, until James quickly realized that no matter how many girls he went out with, he was in no way, shape or form interested in any that weren’t Lily] -  and no one makes me as happy as she can. I can’t do better than that.

[I wouldn’t expect you to understand.]

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Have I now, my liege? [Grinning in triumph, Sirius didn't miss a beat. He leapt over James, aiming for the just-vacated armchair. Sprawling back in it, he kicked up both feet in James's lap, smiling "benignly" down at his best friend.] Where's your throne now, Your Royal Swotliness?

How's it different, Prongs? She kisses you in a fit of adrenaline and relief and you think it means she's ready to have your babies. You think no one else makes you happy like her because [I'm jealous I don't count, that Remus and Peter don't] none of your pinhead dates with other girls really count. You've got damn low standards if you think Evans - a girl who took seven years to come around - is the best. How did you get this thick, Jamie? You can worship her all you like, but you're more to me than my own brother. When you're too good for someone, trust me, I'm the best person to know.

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[A deep, throaty rumble resonated throughout the room—the stag was laughing. It rose gracefully and then James was human again, grinning and bright-eyed.]

Gods, can you imagine? [He was picturing the stunned looks on their fellow students’ faces at the sight of a Grim and a stag running wild through the halls of Hogwarts, complete with a rat clinging to the stag’s antlers for dear life. Mischief and mayhem, his life’s blood.]

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Imagine? I'm adding it to the to-do list before we leave here. Better yet, I'm adding it to the to-do list for before I leave home. Ugh. Speaking of which... what time is it again? We'd better be in McGonagall's office in time for the Portkey before she clobbers us over the head with it. [As for Regulus... his brother could find his own way home. He surveyed the mess around his own bed, and then the state of James's, and shrugged.] Nobody's got the time to pack. You can just borrow my stuff. [With that, he grabbed James by the hand and shoved him first through the dorm room door.]

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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Don’t go out with her?

Are you sure you’re not the one who’s gone completely, barking mad? Of course I’m going to go out with her. She’s…Lily. [He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was certainly unnerving though, how he had made up his mind that she was the one for him—he firmly looked away from Sirius at this point, becoming very interested in the flames flickering just a few feet away—and they had suddenly been thrown together in the middle of a darkened hallway, and once the Slytherin’s had gone, with no one around… He turned back to Sirius and grinned, poking at the outstretched foot with his own. Unnerving it might be, but if the universe had impeccable timing, James would not be one to complain.]

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[Sirius shrugged, shifting on the carpet to move his feet out of James's reach.] Yeah, my point exactly. She's Evans. You throw yourself at her time and time again, she can't stand you, she takes years to realise that you're actually crazy about her, and when she does, it's still a disaster. This whole thing's a disaster, mate. You think you want her - because seven hells, that's what the last six years were all about - but you're not very objective about the situation, are you? 

[Neither are you, said the irritating voice at the back of his head. What are you trying to keep him single for? If he's happy, you're happy. That's the way it's always been. But Sirius wasn't happy. Did that mean James would be unhappy too?]

I'm sure she's a nice girl, James. Really nice. Deep inside, under those layers of judging, fun-ruining, and throwing-things....iness. But you could do better. You've managed to go this long without a girlfriend, and you can't deny life's been pretty good to us both that way.

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Hey, it was a joke - oi!

[James fell backwards with a laugh as his best friend crashed into him, and he threw all caution to the wind as well, transforming on his way down so they landed in a heap, a tangle of limbs and fur. Prongs shifted position on the ground, gathering himself, tucking his legs neatly under his body. The stag nuzzled against the dog affectionately, nostrils flaring; Padfoot smelled of warmth, comfort, home.]

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[The dog let out a happy bark, possibly one too loud for the confines of Gryffindor Tower. He nipped lightly against the stag's flank, shifting to lick at the stag's velvety muzzle. There was a distant crash and muffled swearing from sounded like the stairs leading up to the dorm. In less than a second, Sirius was on his feet, wand in hand, and the door slammed shut and locked itself with magic.]

Close call, what?

[Fondness radiated from him in waves as he turned back to the stag. He preferred James whole and human, but his best friend in any shape was more than good enough.]

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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[James laughed quietly and poked at Sirius’s cheek. “Poked” was definitely a better description than “brushed his fingertips across his best friend’s cheekbones”.] You’re turning funny colors, Padfoot. If you give me a terrible disease now that I have finally have a real girlfriend, I’ll hex you into oblivion.

[James glanced down at Sirius, doing his best to maintain a haughty, disdainful expression. He gently held Sirius’s chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilted Sirius’s head upwards.] Almost. Now shine my shoes, slave. [He tried to bite back the laugh, he really did, but it came bursting out and he sank backwards into an armchair.] Gods, I’m so not cut out for this Swot King business.

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[Sirius was gripped with the sudden urge to hex any girlfriend of James's into oblivion, but he didn't have a death wish bad enough to say that aloud. Not that his vocal chords were particularly capable of functioning just then. Maybe this was because he hadn't gotten laid. A shag a day kept you in good spirits and it easier to tolerate the idiosyncrasies of your friends. Easier than feeling his legs turn to butter. As James laughed aloud, he gladly seized the opportunity to sprawl on the ground, legs splayed as he leaned back to look up at James. The warmth from the fire was certainly helping how cold he was suddenly feeling.]

Then, abdicate. [He said it easily, carelessly.] 

Don't go out with her.

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More like broomsticks over hippogriffs and motorcycles any day. Pads! I’m hurt. Deeply and terribly hurt that you won’t share with me when I was actually willing to lower myself and marry you. Marriage is sharing, you prat. Ugh.

Stop your whining and carrying on, I’ll go with you and be your moral support. Although I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do other than glower whenever they mention you marrying someone who isn’t me.

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Take your hurt feelings and shove it up where sunlight can't see it, Prongs, if you think I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has to "lower" himself to be with me. I'd rather take my chances with Snivellus, compared to that.

[His surprise was unmitigated when he fully absorbed what James had said. The yell of delight that he released could be heard through the whole castle, and he didn't care who might walk into the dorm just then, but Sirius was gone and a great black dog had collided with James. Relief. It overpowered everything else, and actually made him forget the dread sneaking up on him every time he tried to avoid thinking about his parents and his future. James would be there. It already didn't seem quite as bad.]

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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[James looked scandalized] How would I wrap a girlfriend and get her to wear a bow on her head? And no, I’m not wasting part of my family fortune on bribes just to get you a prude from a Sept.  Especially if you’re going to disobey His Royal Swotliness. [James tugged back on his wrist. Damn it, Pads.] It’s cold in here. Shivering. [There. It was cold in the common room—three in the morning and the fire was out.]

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Only you, mate. [But Sirius let go the second he felt James pull away, face flushing with embarrassment. He turned away, aiming his wand at the fireplace to make the embers flare up. Anything that served as a distraction would be welcome.] Prongs, let's not forget that until this year, all your girlfriends  came out of  a box with a bow on her head. Let's have you see into this whole relationship lark: start with a nice prude and work your way up to a real live one like Evans.

[He glanced back at James, eyebrows raising faintly. The two of them were perfectly level in height, but Sirius silently got down on one knee, staring up at James with a faint smirk.] Better, Your Royal Swotliness?

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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Oi! [His eyes lit up and he grinned at Sirius, chucking one of the pillows from the nearby couch at him for good measure.] Now I know what to get you guys for Christmas! [All he had to do was nick some pairs of those earmuffs they used to pot Mandrakes, and then he could do whatever he bloody liked. Or maybe he’d just get them the Mandrakes. They would go deaf and wouldn’t be able to hear a moan either way. Yes, this was a brilliant plan.]

Excuse you. Hail the Conquering Hero is my fanfare, you’re the serf, remember that? [James watched quietly as Sirius ran his fingers along his arm, noting the trembling but not knowing what it meant.] This was the cat’s doing, of course. I hereby enlist you to eat her. Or do dogs not eat cats? At least chase the damn thing up the Willow for me.

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[Sirius caught the cushion easily, but the movement made him involuntarily grip James's wrist.] Yes, Prongs, I know too: it'll be a new girlfriend, preferably a prude who previously used to live in a Sept. And I am certainly not going to be a serf in the land of the Swots, even though I pretty much will do you a favour this one time and do something about the cat... Potter? Everything all right? You're shaking.

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I think they only seat one"?

Oh, gods. I can see it now. You’ll be running for your life and someone will swoop in on a hippogriff to save you, and you’ll just look at them and go “No, I think they only seat one.” And that is how you die. Cause of death: too much of a prat to just share the damn hippogriff.

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Oh, shut up. You're eloping with Moony and leaving me to take my chances with Rock-fisted Gamp. There's no away I'm sharing so much as a pillow case or a spoon with you after that, let alone a giant flying beast. Besides, motorcycles over Hippogriffs. Any day.

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...Seven hells. Did you lose a fight?

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I don’t even hear rattling and thumping; it’s your damn dog ears picking up everything in a five-mile radius. [He grinned and pushed that damned curl that always fell in front of his face back.] Now you’ll not only have to put up with an invisible girl in my bed, but an actual girl. …Bloody hells, I’ll have to clean the dorm now. [He thought forlornly of the mess that was the room he shared with the Marauder’s and Ted.]

We should wake them up! We’ll nick some food and firewhiskey from the kitchens and the whole House can celebrate the fresh start of my relationship with Lily. Looks like we’ll be able to use the firecrackers after all. This is a great idea, thanks Pads! [James’s smile flickered as he glanced down at his arm and shrugged] This? These are my battle scars, obviously.

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Well, I don't want the damn dog ears, I'll settle for the usual regular person deafness, if you're going to be bringing a girl in the dorm. Ugh, Prongs, good on you for knowing what they're for, but not everyone wants to hear you make Evans moan. [Maybe there was a cruder way to put it. Anything that would instantly insert distance between himself and the mental picture he didn't want to have. James and Evans. This would be fan-bloody-tastic.]

I'm up for the food and Firewhiskey, though. We'd be heroes, bringing in a midnight feast. [Sirius came forward, tentatively reaching out to run a fingertip down the angry white lines on James's exposed forearm.] Was this Mrs. Norris? [His voice was quiet, very low. His fingers were visibly trembling.] Or the Slytherins? Tell me they didn't so much as get a scratch on you and Lily.