Lost

If found please take me away and make me forget.

[thekidwholostit]

“Life is short” is the biggest lie in the universe. Life is not short. Life is long and hard. It doesn’t have to be but it is.

I’ve been waiting and actively looking for happiness but happiness is not a goal. Happiness is a constant choice. Happiness is something you choose everyday. Of course, we are not all privileged to choose happiness but whenever you can, choose happiness. Choose yourself.

Don’t get lost in the noise the we are all surrounded by. We are all the main characters of our life.

[thekidwholostit]

Walang nakikinig sakin. Sana mamatay na lang ako.

[thekidwholostit]

Insomnia

I now know why I can’t sleep.

It’s not because I can’t sleep.

It’s because I don’t want to sleep.

I hate the situation that I am in.

I hate that my so called “vacation” will end soon.

I don’t want to sleep because sleeping means there’s a new day.

Another day deducted from my vacation.

My vacation will end being stuck in a lockdown.

Fuck this government.

[thekidwholostit]

Peklat

Ilang buwan na rin naman na akong walang self-esteem. Kapag humaharap ako sa salamin, ang nakikita ko lang ay ang pangit kong sarili. I have this scar that dissect my lower abdomen. Kung kelan nagkaron na ako ng kumpyansa sa sarili na maghubad ng pangtaas sa pool and beach saka naman ako nagkar’on ng peklat.

Ang arte no? Peklat lang e. Pero itong peklat na kasing ito nagpapaala ng mga paghihirap ko at ng pamilya ko n’ong nasa ospital ako. Para sa isang taong malakas ang loob at laging nakikitang masigla at masaya, mahirap na makita mo ang sarili mo na nasa kama lang at inaalagaan. Ang hirap ng kinaawaan. Ang hirap ng nangangailangan ng tulong.

Sa gitna ng pandemya, ayon ako nakahiga sa kama pero hindi dahil sa pandemya.

[thekidwholostit]

Nawala

Ngayong pandemic maraming nawalang bagay sa akin.

Nawalan ako ng kalayaan to go out whenever I want. Nawalan ako ng kalayaan to see my friends and special someone. Nawalan ako ng appendix. Nawalan ako ng self-esteem. Nawalan ako ng kaibigan. Nawalan ako ng lola. Nawawala na ako. Gusto ko ng mawala.

[thekidwholostit]

Si Inay ang ang una kong naging magulang. Noong nahiwalay ako sa kanya para mag-aral sa QC, inaabangan ko lagi ang summer* kasi susunduin nya na ako at uuwi na kami sa Bicol. Discounted kami parehas, senior at estudyante. Minsan pa nga may passes pa sya galing sa mga pulitiko sa probinsya namin. Naging masaya ang childhood ko dahil sa kanya. Lagi nya akong sinasama kung saan-saan at binibigay lahat ng gusto kong pagkain. Hanggang naging teenager ako, syempre pa-cool na medyo aloof sa pamilya. Nabawasan na ng nabawasan ang pag-uwi ko sa probinsya. Tapos sa amin na lang muna sya tuwing summer at pasko titira at uuwi na lang sya kapag pasukan na para alagaan naman ang mga pinsan ko. Hanggang di na sya pwedeng bumyahe ng pabalikbalik. Kami na lang uuwi at bibisita sa kanya sa probinsya. Nag-celebrate pa kami last year ng birthday nya, Valentine’s Day. Habang nanonood ng comedy show kagabi, kumatok na lang yong nanay ko para sabihin yong balita. Wala na raw si Inay. Hindi man lang kami nakapag-paalam. Hindi rin kami makakauwi dahil sa higpit ng protocols. Ang hirap tanggapin. Ang hirap makatulog. Ang hirap tumahan, Ang hirap i-verbalize na wala na sya. Sinubukan ko pa ring makatulog, kasi baka paggising ko hindi pala totoo. Kasi baka pwedeng panaginip lang. Kasi baka pwedeng nagkamali lang sila. Pero hindi. Maraming salamat, Inay. Maraming salamat sa pagmamahal mo sa aming lahat.  *di ko pa alam noon na tag-init ang tamang term dahil walang summer sa Pilipinas

[thekidwholostit]

08122020

I am not okay. I know it’s okay not to be okay be for how long? How long is the allowable time for a person not to be okay?

This pandemic. This 2020 is year that just keeps on taking. I know I am not the only one who’s not okay. Most of us are just faking it. Telling ourselves that we are okay. Hoping one day we will soon be okay. 

[thekidwholostit]

I am sad. I am disappointed. Nothing seems to be working today.

[thekidwholostit]

It’s sad that when you’re in a relationship your partner gets comfortable and decided to no longer exert any effort. Being too comfortable has its pros and cons.

[thekidwholostit]

I am sad and it sucks that the drinks that actually comforts me is something I can’t drink because of my body’s condition right now.

[thekidwholostit]

Di kesyo nakasanayan mo sya, mahal mo pa sya.

Gege, Ang Walang Kwentang Podcast

[thekidwholostit]

If you’re doing something for the person you love, don’t expect anything in return. Is it really love if you’re just doing it for something in return?

[thekidwholostit]

Walang 'the one.' Tayo lang gumagawa ng 'the one'

[thekidwholostit]

My heart is heavy. I want to cry but I can't even if I want to. I don't know what's this heavy thing on my chest right now. I need some alcohol.

[thekidwholostit]

“Changing Partners”

Here are some of my realization from the movie "Changing Partners".

They're all in a toxic relationship. It was never just about Angel. It was the accumulation of all the small things for the past six years of their relationship.

Alex has trust issue on Cris.

Cris has emotions for a long time towards Angel.

Alex is strict.

Cris doesn’t want to be “caged.”

They no longer love each other. They stayed in the relationship for the sake of the time they spent together.

If you are going to watch how they argue, they already lacks openness to listen. They are just hitting each other with arguments to defend themselves and make themselves feel that they are right and the other party is wrong. They don’t love each other anymore. You wouldn’t talk to someone you love that way. Angel is just instrumental for them to realize that their relationship is no longer working. It was not just the fault of one but the two of them. They lack communication for the past six years and all they have to blame is the other party when they never looked at their own contribution.

They fall out of love. They are comfortable for what they have and didn’t work on flourishing it. Just like what they told in the movie, relationship is something you take care of.

[thekidwholostit]

I was reading my posts here. The most recent ones. Then suddenly I'm gone. It was as if I died. My old self was really in a dark place and sad. He hit rock bottom. I would like to congratulate him for bringing himself up. You did a great job. I'm back again in tumblr because I'm sad again.

[thekidwholostit]

I'm back. Maybe because I am sad again. This whole quarantine is eating me.