Long ass angry tirade ahead be warned
If you’re sensitive to the thought of being annoying you might wanna skip it though.
Also btw a “tldr” would pmo but I honestly don’t care as long as you don’t say it to my face.
I’ve stopped attention seeking irl why is everything worse? I thought I was breaking a bad habit! Now I literally have nothing anymore
Now my friends hardly fucking talk to me outside of school unless I initiate but whenever I get lucky I feel like that fucking jester gif.
I love you guys but god, this has felt so one sided ever since your girlfriend showed up (No shade to her though she’s literally amazing). Ngl sometimes it feels like she notices me more when we’re hanging out in person. I can’t call this out or complain though because I used to be the one doing this to a past friend and I’d be a hypocrite.
And of course we can’t forget about the fact that I can’t bring up anything I feel irl because I end up having to push it aside because of some other problem and end up being the peace maker because when have I not been in any case?
I can’t feel shit anymore after eons of pushing my feelings back because I always have to be the FUCKING STRONG ONE! I’ve lost all my empathy for anyone but I still have to play the nurturing role because that’s always been my job apparently. From those two toxic friend groups to to literally anywhere in life I have to people please but not even because I care about anyone’s feelings.
And I wouldn’t even describe my personality type as a people pleaser. It’s because everyone’s emotions annoy me and tire me out so I need to appeal to them so they fucking stop! But also that weighs onto the fact that I refuse to express myself because how hypocritical is it that I want to show my feelings while also being annoyed by other people’s?
And of course I have some arguments I cooked up in my own defense but no that’s toxic I can’t do that. We know how bad it would look if I got defensive.
I hate this so fucking much I can’t even complain about it because i did this to myself and I’ll have to hear another lecture about every flaw with my problem. Why did 10yo me have to develop an addiction to reverse comfort fanfic and try to apply that to real life? Now everything is horrible.
Is it so hard to understand that I just want validation? That maybe instead I wanna be able to vent without it flipping to me comforting you? And I literally try to call out so many of these double standards before but nothing happened!
Why is it that whenever someone calls out me for something bad I did I just suck it up and accept it because that’s the right thing to do but when it’s the other way around I end up having to fucking apologize for hurting their poor feelings?
I wish that were the case… but of course my fuckass head has to make my problem the exact same thing that anyone would fear. So naturally I have to suppress it and the only people I can tell are that one social worker and my therapist. But noooo my therapists advice doesn’t work because simple fucking communication is never that easy. It always manages to go wrong and boom I’m the strong one again. OFC I CANT HAVE ANYTHING GO EASY FOR ME! That’s just my fucking life isn’t that great?
And I could easily be seen as the bad one here. It doesn’t help that I get stupid irrational thoughts about people I love. A reoccurring split I could call it. It’s not that hard to see me as a horrible person when my thoughts are like “oh my god just suck it up” or “how convenient” to someone else’s suffering. I would honestly not even disagree if someone decided that I’m terrible just because of those.
Im such a hypocrite. Of course I wallow in my self pity for the exact same thing I find annoying from someone else. Maybe I’m jealous? That’s probably what it is… and of course that just makes this more pathetic.
I literally have no one because of my fucking self I hate my life. I don’t really see any future for myself anymore there’s no getting better.
