So I guess there comes this moment in one's life, if you are not true to yourself and keep bending to other people's wants and likes without realising or just in order to keep the "peace", when if too much time has passed you feel like you don't know who you are anymore. And so it seems to you as if you're this person that someone else created, at least I do. But then oddly enough there's this Tumblr blog that I kept in highschool. I open it up, it's like just looking at the things there I remember who I was. Which is odd because I know that's not right either, to define yourself by a blog. But I could find myself thinking: "so this is who I was that's true". Because I know that I'm not this worried and anxious person I seem to act as everyday but I know I'm not the person others define me either, but I also feel like I'm not the other person I see in this Tumblr blog either. You know why ? because I now see things I didn't see before on the same posts that I didn't give much importance to before. And then there's this whisper in my head that says that feelings are not everything and that I'm in control of them even if lately there's so many and I get caught up in them all the time, I know I'm not my feelings. I remembered through this blog that I was at this point of not knowing who I was once before. And last time I decided to be happy and jolly like I used to be as a kid and boy was I happy. So I have done it once before. I'm not sure how, but hey I did it! I was so positive I had the guts to leave for a foreign country where I had never been before and didn't know a soul. And I realise that I'm at that point again. Whereby not knowing who I am anymore I actually have the opportunity to choose again who I want to be. Choose who I want to become and work towards that. And that feels so freeing, to realise that I can choose and I can start afresh. The world around us encourages us to blame our problems on others in an attempt to keep us passive, keep us in the system and keep us with our heads low. And while doing so I also forgot that I'm in control of myself, not my circumstances. I'm my own responsibility. Not my parents', not my boyfriend's and not my friends' or anything else's. Who I am is my responsibility. I know that there's more to that but that's a story for another time. But right now I realise that what I need most to remember and own is that I have one of the biggest roles to play in who I am. Because I'm the one to think and feel and live all these thoughts, emotions and moments. And I don't know if everyone is aware and I'm afraid not all people are, that we CAN decide what to think. When you slow down you discover that you have two minds inside your head. One is this automatic one that just responds automatically almost like a programmed computer. But then there's this other part, which is the one that actually has the power to do the programming. The automatic one is strong because it works instantly, while the programming part is strong because it can actually change the programs of the automatic one. I guess the trouble comes up when you forget of the second ones strength because you're on automated pilot all the time. And I realise now why that happens. It's because I never stop for a second to not do anything really. I'm always doing something even if I'm not actually doing anything. You get this? I'm on my phone all the time and I'm automatically reacting to all these things and I end up never stopping, while not really doing anything in the real world. I think everyone knows what I'm talking about: digital procrastination. I'm becoming a 🤖 Think about it. What does a robot do when it doesn't have anything to do? Nothing! he has nothing to react to, he has no program what to do if he has nothing to react to. So he does nothing. But while he does all the things he does he just does them automatically because that's how he was programmed. We humans on the other hand have this second brain power, let's call it that, a power. Because it's more powerful than society wants us to believe. This is the power that all other creatures on Earth do not posses, so it's a superpower really. When we do slow down to do absolutely nothing we have the opportunity to use our so called programmer brain to go over our other automated brain and asses if it works how we would like it to. Do I actually want to spend half my day with my phone in my hand? Or maybe as a natural introvert my phone is actually spamming my inner life? Do I actually believe the things I say about myself? Or they're not true and maybe I should change what I say? Is that the right thing to do? Or is it wrong? See I know the theory it was there in my programmer brain because I've studied this before. But getting to the other part of my brain is the hardest part especially if I never keep it in check anymore and let it practically take over command of my life. That's where I went wrong that's why it seemed like blaming everything on everyone else seems logical. Because my programmer brain was hibernating. I let it hibernate too much. That's the key I guess, we still need to keep using our biggest strenght as humans and be taught and know how to reprogrammed and keep in check ourselves. As a natural introvert I go crazy when I miss my introspection time. I'm not sure how extroverts work, or other people work.
But if this can't be of any help to anyone, to someone else who doesn't get this tangled up talk, one thing remember:
It's not robots that are perfect because they're programmed. It's being able to change that makes the biggest difference in the end. Changing the program when it's not right anymore. Change your program, you are the programmer.
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