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@theleinaroseprj
Therapy 7/6/26
Went to vinyl night. All my people being surrounded by my past. Feels like I'm being choked up out my spaces.
Adam too much weight.
Am I giving the energy of being a crutch?
When I see her I no longer see me in her? Not that I have to. I really don't feel that aligned. Like if we weren't in the same space/history would we be friends?
Chemistry.
Madz, therapy.
I think the reality is I like drinking because it’s the most authentic version of my thoughts. My mind isn’t hiding from itself. I may be on stage performing, but I’m also writing and directing. And although every scene might not make the cut many versions have been written, and they all feel true to me.
Nowadays, when I think about being open about liking Noah, it feels more like me giving myself permission to be imperfect. Not withholding because of a sense of loyalty that people don’t even have to me. Not being closed off because I don’t feel perfect enough for this, but being open to trying it out. But I think the real conclusion is, these are things that I needed to be OK with within myself.
He lives in my subconscious. There’s always something trailing behind me and instead of feeling scared, I feel safe. I feel seen, I feel covered. When I let my guard down, I’m no longer pretending… I don’t have to be tough. I don’t have to be perfect, I’m just me. Because he sees me and he doesn’t run. He may not seek me, but he doesn’t run. He doesn’t need space from me. He creates space FOR me.
Expecting less from myself and others.
Memorial 2026
This is the most joyous memorial I've had in a while. Nothing crazy or huge just exactly what it's supposed to be.
I'm also proud of myself. Me being who I am, I would've seeked him out. I kept it pushing. It may never happen, but it's time to let people seek me out and if they don't then we on the same page then.
A year since Gana. Still holding my girl down though.
March 17
Finally spoke to him and I feel like I can skip through life. I was so nervous. I could barely speak at first. I needed to know where we stand. I missed him. I love joking with him. I like him being my person. I definitely still like him.
I’m tired good night.
April 8
You know what?... I don't know if he'll even be my person anymore. I'm ready and okay with that. I think I just don't like when things aren't in my control.
It's kind of hard to explain. There was a time where I felt more relaxed but how I would describe it is that I cared a lot less. To know me is to know that I'm always thinking about perception and what people would think. Sometimes these thoughts alone would keep me attached to people. But right now...I'm feeling a lot less. I'm considering, thinking, CARING a lot less. Most times I like it because it gets so exhausting walking around with a weighted vest of feelings. Finally feel like I can breathe again.
It’s not over until the fat lady sings but I don’t know that I want her to sing.
Yea....I don't want her to sing.
It’s not over until the fat lady sings but I don’t know that I want her to sing.
March 17
Finally spoke to him and I feel like I can skip through life. I was so nervous. I could barely speak at first. I needed to know where we stand. I missed him. I love joking with him. I like him being my person. I definitely still like him.
I’m tired good night.
02/23/26 - Noah
Every time I think about you I get a pit in my stomach.
What would I say? What can I say? Do you even want to talk to me? Do you want to hear what I have to say? Can I explain every thing that's been happening? Will you give me that chance? Can we be real here? Or are we just going to pretend like these feelings don’t exist? How can we move on from this? How can I be normal with you? What is the new normal? Are we just here for the big moments? Do you still show up for me? Are you still rooting for me? Do you even care about me anymore? Do you still love me?
Yeaaa I have 70% less feelings about this.
02/23/26 - Noah
Every time I think about you I get a pit in my stomach.
What would I say? What can I say? Do you even want to talk to me? Do you want to hear what I have to say? Can I explain every thing that's been happening? Will you give me that chance? Can we be real here? Or are we just going to pretend like these feelings don’t exist? How can we move on from this? How can I be normal with you? What is the new normal? Are we just here for the big moments? Do you still show up for me? Are you still rooting for me? Do you even care about me anymore? Do you still love me?
02/5/26
How could you be so careless with me?
It seems the lower I put my walls down, the higher you put yours up.
Even in another world if we could figure an "us" out. I don't trust you with me. Honestly, I don't know who I trust with me anyway.
I'm embarrassed. When I truly think about it, I don't know if we would ever work.
Who am I?
What can I provide?
My thoughts of a confident, unconfident person...
Unconfident: I don't want to let her down and I don't know why she cares for me in particular. I only took her out once.
Confident: I see her. Maybe that's all she needs right now.
2025 Year End Wrap:
Lessons were learned, decisions were made. 2025 was definitely turbulent for me, but also deeply informative which is why I'm sharing my vision board. Anyone who knows me knows I do this every year, I even use to host a vision board brunch but I stopped because by the end of the year, I noticed the people I started with were no longer part of my life.
As downhearted as that may seem, it's not. It's not usually a dramatic fallout, we simply don't align anymore. If I were to use one word to describe 2025 it would be ALIGNMENT.
In 2024, I felt so lost. The relationships I held close, felt so foreign to me. I would be around people I've always known and felt like the odd one out. I had severe social anxiety in rooms full of people that I use to thrive in. It felt like I was falling down a hole, clinging on to whatever I could reach.
The deeper I fell, the more I reached for old things and people that felt familiar and warm even when I knew deep down it wasn't good for me. It wasn't all bad, though I hit some bumps along the road, I gained closure. Those bumps helped me decide what I wanted for myself and it made me want to make myself a priority.
I had spent so much of my life prioritizing other people I lost a sense of identity when they were no longer the main characters of my life. Unfortunately, some of 2024 carried into 2025 and I still had some adjustments to make. I was determined for 2025 to be a "New Era of Me".
This is probably the most accurate vision board I've created. I truly prioritized myself - my mental health, my physical health, and more importantly, my spiritual health. As hard and confusing as it's been, I feel more like myself than I have in almost a decade.
The hard reality of prioritizing yourself and wanting the best for life is that you'll often lose people. You simply can't grow in shallow soil. Growth can be very uncomfortable, especially if it feels like you're going it alone.
That being said, I do feel fortunate to have people who stepped up and asked, "How can I make you feel more supported?" and then followed through. It was exactly what I needed to feel loved and valued.
Even though I've come a long way, every now and then I struggle with the feeling of misalignment - especially because it didn't come from the people I expected but I strongly believe God knows best and He does not miss. This isn't a slight toward anyone because we're all just figuring out life and won't always be on the same page.
Patience played a big role in my decision making this year - learning the difference between not being on the same page right now versus not being on the same page ever again.
All this to say, although 2025 was turbulent, I grew to be content. 'Everything didn't need to be perfect for me to be happy.'
Looking forward to 2026 and beyond - "I’m stepping forward with clarity, intention, and faith, knowing alignment will always cost me comfort before it rewards me with peace."
I've been genuinely content since at least October 22. This is a really long stretch. Nov 2 was stressful for me but outside of that I feel good. I want to remember that. It's Dec 2.
Just realized what the friendship is and isn’t.