time enough at last

just a fragment of what man has deeded to himself

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

i love making friends

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

i think… i’m going to watch Fringe again …

[filmaticbby]

Before Summer Ends (2017) dir. Maryam Goormaghtigh

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

Let me tell you about my spoon

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

Hey, look. 11 years ago. How I’ve changed.

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

the theme of this year is relishing in crushes and telling them i have a crush on them. which is quite something because i don’t often have crushes (proper crushes!) on people.

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

today’s thoughts:

1. how often do we not make the first move

2. i pored my heart into our wedding songs

3. crocheting is going to kill my eyes

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

today’s sad moment was realizing how much guilt i hold towards the concept of sleep based on how gio reacted to my body needing more sleep than him

i jokingly say he was ableist but even if not in intentions, the impact i felt from their attitude, words and actions was really alienating towards my body’s needs

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

learning how to exist alone in the world is a wonderful thing, though. i saw the leaves dancing in the wind today and i was in love with the way i see the world.

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

so much for consciously uncoupling. that was one sided as well. he really just wanted no contact and i hate that he pretended to also want to break up in an amicable manner.

it really was so he would feel better about it, but honestly, there’s nothing amicable about this if you think about it. if the goal was to preserve a friendship, he failed at it miserably.

did i fail too? not on my terms. i had a goal and a purpose and my actions and words matched it. he just isn’t ready to receive any of it. and that’s on him, not me.

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

my transition wasn’t the reason for the break up, but the lack of support from my ex was part of it.

the lack of support for a lot of things was part of it.

i’m slowly starting to forgive myself and coming out of the “it was my fault” headspace. i was nothing but up front about my capacity and incapacity for a lot of things. i have to learn how to heal from the broken trust i have in people now when they say they can build something with me while i’m actively working on myself. it really broke me to learn that they were hoping i’d someday learn how to function as a neurotypical adult.

my disabilities don’t excuse the shitty parts of me. but they are part of how i navigate the world.

one of my students was crying during field day yesterday because she doesn’t have the body or ability always to participate in outdoors activities. my heart hurt so much for her. i listened to her, and eventually shared with her about cami taking a facetime walk with me. how that was such a big moment of realization that people make things work with your ability levels without expecting you to live life according to their reality.

that’s what i’m forgiving myself for. i have a specific way of navigating this world and i’ve always been honest about it. i’ve always voiced it as a concern as well. and i was told, repeatedly, not to worry about it, that it was not a big deal and we’ll “work through it together.”

i never needed to “work through it.” i needed him to accept it and live life next to me knowing that i was not going to meet his every need. why would you enter a relationship holding that truth and then forget it along the way? i felt like an idiot telling others a narrative about us that was never true in his head.

learning to forgive myself for that.

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

the CHANI app and Maisie Peters are single double-handedly getting me through this breakup phase

(we all need something to believe in)

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

“would you like to get breakfast tomorrow”—is the text i am writing, afraid of sending, i hit backspace. it’s not that i don’t want to ask it. it’s that ive asked too many times and i need to stop because they don’t want to. but they keep saying they want to work towards being friends. i’m so tired. i’m so tired of being treated like shit. i’m not tired of being alone—on the contrary, i actually welcome it on many levels. i guess im tired of being treated like less than i deserve. and if they are making me feel this way, then why am i hung up on sending one text asking about breakfast?

[eagans]

Maisie Peters, “There It Goes” / art by Otoha Takenami

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

epiphany:

when i said i didn’t want to get married / i didn’t want to be a bride / i didn’t want a flowing dress / i didn’t want to feel alive / with eyes on me / the camera stammering in my presence / none of that!

instead i wanted to / look at the bride / cry when i see her / lose my shit before i walk towards her / marriage means nothing to me but showing i love her / that’s why i never dreamed of it / i never dreamed i could be him

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

i wrote letters, gave so many words

a plea for help, closeness, communication

what did you give? a house, food, shelter?

i am offended.

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

what am i afraid of?

love? trust? being hurt?

i never thought i’d be that person saying “wow i feel so cared for, seen and heard, unlike in my previous relationships”

holy shit

[thelifeofhenrybemis]

“i know ive said this before, but you look really good in pants with no shirt on!”

the things she says make me feel so affirmed and just, it’s things i didn’t know i wanted to hear out loud? holy shit it feels good?? like i know i probably look good, but it’s different when someone says it out loud??