Sara Svarda

[thelifeofsararenee]

Kissing Shame Goodbye

I had my first kiss when I was 10 years old.

I never dreamed about it like most little girls do. Even with all of the Disney movies I saw growing up, I never believed them to be realistic, and I for sure didn’t believe a prince charming would come save me.

My first kiss was not with prince charming.

My first kiss was with my best friend.

My first kiss was with a girl.

Now – Some of you are already thinking a ton of thoughts. Some of you might have even stopped reading. Some of you may think to yourself: gross (hopefully because you don’t want to imagine a preteen kissing). Some of you may think it was harmless, and it WAS harmless. At 10, I knew nothing about sexuality; all I knew was that we were best friends and I liked her.

Fast forward, to the age of 12, when I would have my second kiss.

This kiss was also with a girl, but this one meant a little more to me. I was a little older and more understanding of what it all meant. This wasn’t the only time I had feelings for a girl at this age. That same year I attended a few Girl Scout events with a friend, and I had a small crush on one of the girls there. I remember how desperately I wanted to make her laugh so I would make stupid faces at her all the time and say silly things. I still never thought it was weird to like a girl in that way.

When I turned 13 I had my first real boyfriend.

I remember when we first held hands at school; I thought I was going to puke. We went on dates, shared the same friends, and hung out at each other’s houses. It was an innocent love. He was the first boy I ever kissed. I vividly remember; sitting in a dark theater watching who knows what movie, and it just happened. I would say this kiss was more like the ones that young girls dream of, more like the ones you see in movies. I dated this boy for about a year until I was a freshman in high school. From then on out, I dated boys and boys only.

But – Deep down I knew I still liked girls too. I would go to football games and get made fun of for looking at the cheerleaders for “too long”. I would sit too close to my best friend and get weird looks. One time, I posted a picture of me on a friends shoulders, and I instantly got a message asking if I was a “lesbo”. This is when I became aware of what other’s opinions could do to me. My care free attitude soon turned to anxiety. I cared more about fitting in than being who I was.

Then jump ahead to my Sophomore year.

I started getting into church, but I was dating a boy who didn’t go. I was completely in love with him: he had swoopy hair, he was sporty, he could drive, and I thought he was the coolest person ever. He was so cool that we did a lot more than kiss. This was when I lost my virginity. It was such a weird moment in my life, only being 16 and thinking I knew what I wanted. I started to feel a pit in my stomach for getting involved in church and dating him at the same time.

That relationship ended before my Junior year began.

When that relationship ended, I knew I wanted to do nothing but live for god: I wanted to press restart, I wanted to be with a godly man, and I wanted to save myself for marriage. So I did just that. I was on fire for god. I did nothing but pray, read my bible, encourage people, attend every church event, use my talents for the church, and date a christian man.

None of this was a lie. I chose to live my life this way and I have absolutely no regrets. I became so obsessed with the life I was building that I pushed family members and friends that didn’t go to church away. The thought of anything sexual was out of the question and I pushed my desires way way down. I pushed anything and everything that wasn’t god or the church as far away as I could.

Everything was perfect until my freshman year of college.

This was a time when I was trying to live such a perfect life but I was beginning to unravel. I made so many mistakes and those mistakes hurt the man I loved. I was cheating and lying and I didn’t want to be honest. I didn’t want to be honest with myself and I definitely didn’t want to be honest about my sexual desires. I admitted all of the lies and all of the wrongs I did to him. He forgave me, without a blink, and he stayed with me. I should’ve been happy that he showed me so much grace, but I was keeping myself in a place that I knew wouldn’t work in the long run. It was a safe place to be and I wanted safe. I wanted stability. I wanted normal. But deep down, I wanted more.

This became obvious in the summer of that year.

I went to a drag show for my best friend’s bachelorette party, and I remember being so excited that I had an excuse to go to the club. I loved the atmosphere and I loved to dance. It was all so freeing but I knew the people around me believed it wasn’t a place for young Christian girls to be.

We sat very close to the stage when the performance started, but there weren’t enough chairs so I sat on my friend’s lap. A drag king danced by us and grabbed my hand and smirked; she then continued her performance. I was frozen. I was embarrassed. I was horrified because that one little smirk brought back all of those feelings from my past. The feelings of liking girls and the feelings of anxiety. They started to become unbearable to think. I was sitting with my closest friends and none of them even knew I felt this way. I was too ashamed of those thoughts. I was too ashamed to even think of the memories.

Even though I was ashamed of my own thoughts and feelings, I was accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. I admired how open and real my LGBTQ+ friends were. I always wished that I was more like them. More honest and self-loving. I was too scared to live my life that way and that fear lead to denial. In the process of denying those feelings, I started becoming toxic. Toxic, for myself and those around me. Cue the self-destruction.

Almost one year after this moment was when I started to become angry.

I began to resent how the beliefs of the church were being communicated: Why is it wrong for two people of the same sex to love each other? Is it because the Bible says it’s wrong? Why is it wrong for me to wear short shorts or a bikini? Because “modest is hottest” and we don’t want to make the men’s eyes wander? Why do I feel so horrible going to a club or seeing a drag show? Because Christian’s don’t belong in those kinds of places?

There were more and more things I found myself not agreeing with, and I STILL ignored all of it. I wanted to live a life for jesus and be on fire for god like I was in high school. Except, by this point, I was actually living my life for the relationships I built around church.

I was still so young and didn’t understand that the world isn’t black and white. There is a middle ground and those of us who stand in the middle are considered confused or lost. I didn’t want people to doubt me, so I found myself in a never ending cycle of caring too much. I cared more about what others thought than I cared about who I was. This led me to become so impatient to just live my life. I wanted to party, to drink, to have sex, and I didn’t want to be tied down to anything. I did all of those things in a span of 3 crazy months; and in doing so, I hurt a lot of people I loved.

After summer ended and fall began, my party-stage came to a halt.

I realized fast that I wasn’t meant to live my life that way. I also knew I wasn’t fully going back to my church-girl lifestyle. I was in the middle ground, yet I knew I wasn’t lost or confused. All I really wanted was to figure out who I was without any influence, and that’s when I felt the most successful: I made amazing art; I still went to church; I asked for forgiveness from the people I hurt; I still had a little fun with the occasional drink; I talked to a couple of guys but never fully committed myself to a relationship; I became good friends with a boy who would become my husband; and I was starting to figure out what I truly wanted.

Winter and spring of 2014 were the best months of my life.

2014 was the year I fell in love with my boyfriend/husband/baby daddy. 2014 was the year I began to better myself as a photographer. Last but not least 2014 was the year I finally came out and told someone that I’m attracted to girls and boys. That I’ve always felt attracted to both. That I’m bi-sexual. That someone is now my husband, and the relief of actually telling him felt so freeing. The relief of me typing it now is freeing because I know I’m about to tell the world. The inner conflict I’ve had with myself about my sexuality and even spirituality is about to be over. I know who I am, and I don’t want to hide it from the people I love and care about anymore.

Thinking back on that year, it was amazing but the struggles were still there. I couldn’t let go of the life I had at church. Some of you may read this and think why did I have to or want to? I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. Not because I hated the church or the people there, but because I was changing and as selfish as this may seem I was tired of giving all my time to something my heart wasn’t fully in. I was mending friendships with some of my closest friends and I was realizing what was truly important. Honesty.

From 2014 to now so many things have happened from death to birth, and I could write you a novel on all of those things. I try not to regret much in life because everything happens for a reason, but my biggest regret is not being completely honest with myself about who I truly am.

In the spring of 2018, I started.

I opened up to someone other than my husband about my sexuality and spirituality. That led me to open up to many others, and now I’m ready to open up to many more. My life has been weird, fun, confusing, devastating, joyful, and amazing. I wouldn’t change a thing because I am who I am through these experiences, and I’m confident in the person I am right now.

Now that I am a mother to a beautiful girl, I want her to know that she should never hide who she is. She should never feel ashamed of her thoughts, and in order for me to teach her that, I have to live it.

✨LIFE UPDATE✨ I wrote this blog in 2019. It’s now 2024 and I regret nothing. I’m in love with my life, I’m a mom of two, and I’m just out here trying to share and show love and acceptance! Happy pride month, friends! 🏳️‍🌈

[acnliv]

i had a very spooooky dream of @thelifeofsararenee's island SILENTHILL! i loved getting to visit some of my favorite horror movies, especially cabin in the woods and jennifer's body!

[nimbasa-city-gym]

New video! I toured @thelifeofsararenee 's island! There are so many amazing movie references on this island! I felt so nostalgic walking through this island! 😭

Dream address in the description!

[thelifeofsararenee]

I think it’s time I’ve finally shared my animal crossing island… I’ve been working on this for about 6 months or more. I’ve been trying to prepare it for spooky season as my town consists of all my favorite horror movies! (Mainly early 2000s films 🤣)

If you loved: Silent Hill (the movie), Trick R Treat, The Ring, Signs, Coraline, Jennifer’s Body, The Hills Have Eyes, AND Cabin in the Woods, then you may enjoy my town 🥰👻

Dream address is at the bottom of my map!

[thelifeofsararenee]

Kissing Shame Goodbye

I had my first kiss when I was 10 years old.

I never dreamed about it like most little girls do. Even with all of the Disney movies I saw growing up, I never believed them to be realistic, and I for sure didn’t believe a prince charming would come save me.

My first kiss was not with prince charming.

My first kiss was with my best friend.

My first kiss was with a girl.

Now -- Some of you are already thinking a ton of thoughts. Some of you might have even stopped reading. Some of you may think to yourself: gross (hopefully because you don’t want to imagine a preteen kissing). Some of you may think it was harmless, and it WAS harmless. At 10, I knew nothing about sexuality; all I knew was that we were best friends and I liked her.

Fast forward, to the age of 12, when I would have my second kiss.

This kiss was also with a girl, but this one meant a little more to me. I was a little older and more understanding of what it all meant. This wasn’t the only time I had feelings for a girl at this age. That same year I attended a few Girl Scout events with a friend, and I had a small crush on one of the girls there. I remember how desperately I wanted to make her laugh so I would make stupid faces at her all the time and say silly things. I still never thought it was weird to like a girl in that way.

When I turned 13 I had my first real boyfriend.

I remember when we first held hands at school; I thought I was going to puke. We went on dates, shared the same friends, and hung out at each other’s houses. It was an innocent love. He was the first boy I ever kissed. I vividly remember; sitting in a dark theater watching who knows what movie, and it just happened. I would say this kiss was more like the ones that young girls dream of, more like the ones you see in movies. I dated this boy for about a year until I was a freshman in high school. From then on out, I dated boys and boys only.

But -- Deep down I knew I still liked girls too. I would go to football games and get made fun of for looking at the cheerleaders for “too long”. I would sit too close to my best friend and get weird looks. One time, I posted a picture of me on a friends shoulders, and I instantly got a message asking if I was a “lesbo”. This is when I became aware of what other’s opinions could do to me. My care free attitude soon turned to anxiety. I cared more about fitting in than being who I was.

Then jump ahead to my Sophomore year.

I started getting into church, but I was dating a boy who didn’t go. I was completely in love with him: he had swoopy hair, he was sporty, he could drive, and I thought he was the coolest person ever. He was so cool that we did a lot more than kiss. This was when I lost my virginity. It was such a weird moment in my life, only being 16 and thinking I knew what I wanted. I started to feel a pit in my stomach for getting involved in church and dating him at the same time.

That relationship ended before my Junior year began.

When that relationship ended, I knew I wanted to do nothing but live for god: I wanted to press restart, I wanted to be with a godly man, and I wanted to save myself for marriage. So I did just that. I was on fire for god. I did nothing but pray, read my bible, encourage people, attend every church event, use my talents for the church, and date a christian man.

None of this was a lie. I chose to live my life this way and I have absolutely no regrets. I became so obsessed with the life I was building that I pushed family members and friends that didn’t go to church away. The thought of anything sexual was out of the question and I pushed my desires way way down. I pushed anything and everything that wasn’t god or the church as far away as I could.

Everything was perfect until my freshman year of college.

This was a time when I was trying to live such a perfect life but I was beginning to unravel. I made so many mistakes and those mistakes hurt the man I loved. I was cheating and lying and I didn’t want to be honest. I didn’t want to be honest with myself and I definitely didn’t want to be honest about my sexual desires. I admitted all of the lies and all of the wrongs I did to him. He forgave me, without a blink, and he stayed with me. I should’ve been happy that he showed me so much grace, but I was keeping myself in a place that I knew wouldn’t work in the long run. It was a safe place to be and I wanted safe. I wanted stability. I wanted normal. But deep down, I wanted more.

This became obvious in the summer of that year.

I went to a drag show for my best friend’s bachelorette party, and I remember being so excited that I had an excuse to go to the club. I loved the atmosphere and I loved to dance. It was all so freeing but I knew the people around me believed it wasn’t a place for young Christian girls to be.

We sat very close to the stage when the performance started, but there weren’t enough chairs so I sat on my friend’s lap. A drag king danced by us and grabbed my hand and smirked; she then continued her performance. I was frozen. I was embarrassed. I was horrified because that one little smirk brought back all of those feelings from my past. The feelings of liking girls and the feelings of anxiety. They started to become unbearable to think. I was sitting with my closest friends and none of them even knew I felt this way. I was too ashamed of those thoughts. I was too ashamed to even think of the memories.

Even though I was ashamed of my own thoughts and feelings, I was accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. I admired how open and real my LGBTQ+ friends were. I always wished that I was more like them. More honest and self-loving. I was too scared to live my life that way and that fear lead to denial. In the process of denying those feelings, I started becoming toxic. Toxic, for myself and those around me. Cue the self-destruction.

Almost one year after this moment was when I started to become angry.

I began to resent how the beliefs of the church were being communicated: Why is it wrong for two people of the same sex to love each other? Is it because the Bible says it’s wrong? Why is it wrong for me to wear short shorts or a bikini? Because “modest is hottest” and we don’t want to make the men’s eyes wander? Why do I feel so horrible going to a club or seeing a drag show? Because Christian’s don’t belong in those kinds of places?

There were more and more things I found myself not agreeing with, and I STILL ignored all of it. I wanted to live a life for jesus and be on fire for god like I was in high school. Except, by this point, I was actually living my life for the relationships I built around church.

I was still so young and didn’t understand that the world isn’t black and white. There is a middle ground and those of us who stand in the middle are considered confused or lost. I didn’t want people to doubt me, so I found myself in a never ending cycle of caring too much. I cared more about what others thought than I cared about who I was. This led me to become so impatient to just live my life. I wanted to party, to drink, to have sex, and I didn’t want to be tied down to anything. I did all of those things in a span of 3 crazy months; and in doing so, I hurt a lot of people I loved.

After summer ended and fall began, my party-stage came to a halt.

I realized fast that I wasn’t meant to live my life that way. I also knew I wasn’t fully going back to my church-girl lifestyle. I was in the middle ground, yet I knew I wasn’t lost or confused. All I really wanted was to figure out who I was without any influence, and that’s when I felt the most successful: I made amazing art; I still went to church; I asked for forgiveness from the people I hurt; I still had a little fun with the occasional drink; I talked to a couple of guys but never fully committed myself to a relationship; I became good friends with a boy who would become my husband; and I was starting to figure out what I truly wanted.

Winter and spring of 2014 were the best months of my life.

2014 was the year I fell in love with my boyfriend/husband/baby daddy. 2014 was the year I began to better myself as a photographer. Last but not least 2014 was the year I finally came out and told someone that I’m attracted to girls and boys. That I’ve always felt attracted to both. That I’m bi-sexual. That someone is now my husband, and the relief of actually telling him felt so freeing. The relief of me typing it now is freeing because I know I’m about to tell the world. The inner conflict I’ve had with myself about my sexuality and even spirituality is about to be over. I know who I am, and I don’t want to hide it from the people I love and care about anymore.

Thinking back on that year, it was amazing but the struggles were still there. I couldn’t let go of the life I had at church. Some of you may read this and think why did I have to or want to? I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. Not because I hated the church or the people there, but because I was changing and as selfish as this may seem I was tired of giving all my time to something my heart wasn’t fully in. I was mending friendships with some of my closest friends and I was realizing what was truly important. Honesty.

From 2014 to now so many things have happened from death to birth, and I could write you a novel on all of those things. I try not to regret much in life because everything happens for a reason, but my biggest regret is not being completely honest with myself about who I truly am.

In the spring of 2018, I started.

I opened up to someone other than my husband about my sexuality and spirituality. That led me to open up to many others, and now I’m ready to open up to many more. My life has been weird, fun, confusing, devastating, joyful, and amazing. I wouldn’t change a thing because I am who I am through these experiences, and I’m confident in the person I am right now.

Now that I am a mother to a beautiful girl, I want her to know that she should never hide who she is. She should never feel ashamed of her thoughts, and in order for me to teach her that, I have to live it.

✨LIFE UPDATE✨ I wrote this blog in 2019. It’s now 2024 and I regret nothing. I’m in love with my life, I’m a mom of two, and I’m just out here trying to share and show love and acceptance! Happy pride month, friends! 🏳️‍🌈

[thelifeofsararenee]

“I don’t know who I am, but now I know who I’m not I’m just a curious speck that got caught up in orbit Like a magnet it beckoned my metals toward it

Make my messes matter Make this chaos count Let every little fracture in me Shatter out loud.” Jupiter : Sleeping At Last

[thelifeofsararenee]

Not everyone you lose is a loss

To the friends who I spent countless hours with

To the friends who laughed with me until it hurt

To the friends I shared tears with

To the friends who experienced the pain of a rough childhood

To the friend who hated that I went to church

To the friend who was self absorbed

To the friend who used me to get what they wanted

To the friends that dropped me like a fly when I needed them most

To the friends who claimed to care for me

Thank you for teaching me that friends aren’t forever and that’s okay.

Thank you for only needing me when you needed money or a ride

Thank you for walking out on the jobs I helped you get

Thank you for leaving me in the middle of the street to go smoke weed

Thank you for leaving me alone in your home so you could have sex

Thank you for flirting with the boys I was interested in

Thank you for the Facebook posts and tweets when my dad died

Thank you for not doing emotions

Thank you for talking bad about your “friends” in front of me

Thank you for trying to make me feel like I was the one who ruined it all.

We have this expectation that when you grow up with someone you are going to be best friends for life. In some cases you may, in other cases it’s okay to grow apart. Lately I’ve realized that friendships aren’t forever, but the gratitude I have for them will be.

I am grateful for the hours spent laughing, crying, fighting, and sharing life.

I am grateful I realized how self absorbed you are

I am grateful you couldn’t be there for me when my dad passed

I am grateful you cared for me when it was convenient for you.

I am grateful you showed me that friends aren’t forever.

Everyone struggles and I get it, I’m not perfect and I’ve probably hurt you too, but I’m done apologizing for your actions. I completely accept my role in this. I’m realizing now that I’ve let myself down by taking on all the blame and allowing you to dictate how I should feel. It’s not like you meant to hurt me or your goal was to ice me out when I needed you most, but it happened.

I’m no longer going to say sorry to you

I’m no longer going to worry what you think

I’m no longer going to be a part of this lie you’ve made up in your head that you’ve done nothing.

I’m no longer going blame myself for the things you personally struggle with.

When I was at my weakest I found out who my true friends were, and they are amazing and I am blessed. To think I am so worried about what I lost and not what I have is ludicrous and it needs to end here and now. I want to enjoy my life with the people I love and that love me back.

I want to enjoy honesty

I want to enjoy the friends who try

I want to enjoy being free of toxic people

I need to enjoy this one life I have to live

I’m sad that we grew apart, but i’ll never be sorry for you again. Friendships aren’t forever, and that’s okay.

[thelifeofsararenee]

Growing up I was always very skinny, and in the past few years I’ve gained a significant amount of weight. When I look back at pictures of me when I was a stick, I remember thinking I felt huge. I hated my body then and I hate my body now.

Women truly are at war with their bodies no matter their size, and not just our bodies but our appearance in general. Our hair isn’t the perfect color or length, our make up is rarely ever on point, our clothes don’t fit right, and forget about wearing a bathing suit of any kind! It’s an overwhelming feeling not being confident in the way you look. Not only that, but you’re too tired, depressed, hungry for junk, and some days too busy to make a change.

Levi reminds me everyday how beautiful I am. Some days I see that and some days I don’t. No matter how many people tell you positive things you will still see yourself the way you want, and only you can make that change.

I think as women we should be confident in our bodies, we should uplift other women, we should workout because we like to, we should eat healthy because we want to, we should ignore the stigmas of social media, and we should love ourselves because God created us and we are special to many.

“Darling girl, don’t waste a single day of your life being at war with your body, just embrace it!”

[thelifeofsararenee]

Flowers I used from my dad's funeral to make a bouquet for my wedding 💙 I miss him terribly and I'm gonna do what I can to make sure he's a part of my big day.

[thelifeofsararenee]

It was February 10th, 2016 when I got the call at Applebee’s that my father was being rushed to the hospital. As I starred at my friend Ashley and then down at my untouched pasta I didn’t know what to think, but I had a bad feeling rush over me. I hung up and instantly started to cry and uttered the words to Ashley “I’m sure he will be fine.” But I think I knew deep down this was it.

I’ve always feared death, but more specifically I feared my dad would never get to walk me down the aisle or share a dance with me on my wedding day. All these fears flooded over me February 11th, 2016 two weeks ago today. As my family and I sat in the waiting room at Doctors West, stomachs turning and minds racing. The doctors walk into the room and deliver the news that my dads situation wasn’t looking good. I know those doctors did everything they could for my daddy and I’ll forever be thankful for the time I got with him those last couple of days at the hospital.

I remember as a young girl my dad doing everything he could for me. Our life wasn’t easy but he did what he could to provide. When I was little he would spend the last bit of money he had to buy me hot Cheetos or those gummy foot candies. He used to drive by my school in his semi truck everyday around recess and honk his horn to scare all the kids. I can’t express the joy I felt when I got to say “That’s my dad!” to all my peers. I’ll never forget the day I stayed up all night until the morning and my dad was coming home from work. I heard his car so I peaked out the window, he looked up and I knew he saw me. I hurried back to my bed, then all the sudden I hear “Sara!” in that deep scary voice I would hear when I was in trouble. So I got up and slowly walked down the steps and he says “Let’s go get Frisch’s!” When we got seated and settled in my dad saw a couple of cops sitting in a booth across from us. He looked at me and said “I dare you to go grab some donuts off the breakfast bar and walk it over to those cops.” And of course I said no and he went on to tell me they wouldn’t arrest a 12 year old.

He was a jokester and he always had a smile on his face. My dad was kind, goofy, loving, and far from perfect. When I turned 13 my whole life would start changing when I realized my dad struggled with alcoholism. I started to fear him and I hated that he was always drunk. He would embarrass me in front of friends, teachers, boyfriends, and people in general. This lasted until I was 17 turning 18, I then decided I was moving out in August of 2011. After I moved out I started to push my family away, I didn’t talk to them much because I was so consumed with the life I was building here in Middletown Ohio. I slowly replaced my family with families of friends and boyfriends.

My mom and dad decided they were going to move back to Columbus (where we are originally from) the spring of 2012 to get back on their feet. I can honestly say I was sad when they came to Frischs where I was serving to tell me goodbye as they ate a meal before hitting the road. That day was so terrible at Frischs because the power went out and we got slammed. I didn’t get to spend any time with my parents before they left, and I never thought that would have been the last time I would see my dad before something tragic would change all of our lives.

On October 31st 2012 my dad was in a car accident, a man had t-boned my dad’s friend’s truck. The car hit my dad’s side flipping the truck and trapping my father. This was on halloween so I was in Cincinnati getting ready for bible study and we were all dressing up. I got the phone call about my dad as I was sitting at taco bell, and at the time I didn’t realize how serious the accident was. That evening I got a few hateful messages from my family saying I needed to get up to Columbus. I rushed there with my friend Courtney and got there that night. It was the hardest thing seeing him so hurt like that, and I all I could think is he’s not going to make it. The regret I felt knowing we didn’t have a good relationship was unbearable. That’s when I realized I shouldn’t take this family for granted or anyone for that matter.

In December of 2012 my dad was put into a nursing home for rehabilitation, I decided to go visit him and make it a surprise with with presents for Christmas. I drove up with my boyfriend at time and his family. I was walking down the hallway of the nursing home and I knew exactly the room he was in because I heard his roaring laugh. I walked into the room and my dad was instantly shocked and he bursted into tears, he started to stand up and walk over to me and I lost it because that was the first time I had seen him walk since the wreck. That night was the night my dad’s life would change eternally. We opened up presents, laughed, took pictures, and hugged. My dad introduced me to everyone as we sat in the hallway, then Scott (the father of my boyfriend at the time) started to ask my dad questions about his salvation and relationship with Christ. My dad instantly cried and he knew what he wanted to do. He grabbed my hand, looked at me, and said “Sara, I’m ready… will you walk me down the aisle of this hallway before I ever walk you do the aisle?” So I held my dad’s arm as he limped down the hallway to change is life forever.

That Christmas of 2012 my dad was released from the nursing home and did nothing but try and heal from there. He quit drinking for two years, and I was beyond proud of him. I never thought that those next three years would be the last three years I’d get with him. I will tell you that I never once took him for granted I spent all the time I could with him on birthdays, fathers day, easter, and summers. Too many memories to type about but every single one is perfect and that’s what leads me to this day. I’m overwhelmed with emotion as I type this, but I want everyone to know how amazing he truly was. The last memory I got to share with my dad was me getting engaged. Levi went out of his way to ask my father’s permission for my hand in marriage. My dad said yes, kept it a secret from me for months then surprised me when Levi got down one knee. December 23rd, 2015 was the last day I saw my dad and I got the biggest hugs and kisses from him that day. I’m so happy to know he is approving of my future husband.

It was February 10th, 2016 when God would perfectly plan out the last couple days of my fathers life. My mom would get to leave work four hours early because God knew my dad would stop breathing and she needed to be there to make that call for help. This gave me time to rush to the hospital that was two hours from where I was sitting. This gave my whole family one last chance to talk to him before our worlds flipped upside down. The EMT’s were able to save my dad’s life on the way to the hospital and again in the emergency room. That’s when we would find out he had massive blood clots, that only the blood thinning medicine could try and fix. They started the medicine, and got him up to ICU where I would have the last conversation with my father ever. I was standing by his side holding his hand, Levi (my fiancé) stood on the other side. I asked if he was okay and obviously he’d shake his head no. I would then say I love you and he would squeeze my hand three times so I knew he loved me too. I then told him “Levi called you dad on Facebook and not sir!” and he would go the extra mile and smile as big as he could with tubes and all. I gave him a kiss on his forehead and told him I loved him once more and walked out of the room.

The next day we found out my dad flat lined in the middle of the night and the doctors were able to revive him again. As my family and I sat in the waiting room at Doctors West, stomachs turning and minds racing. The doctors walk into the room and deliver the news that my dads situation wasn’t looking good. His kidney’s and liver were failing and they said to get ahold of all family members to say their goodbyes. The pain that rushed over my whole body was unbearable, and I can’t truly put it into words. As we walked back to the room where my dad was laying the whole family just stood there in slow motion, crying, wailing, and hearts breaking. All I could hear were monitors beeping, and family in pain. I got really dizzy and my heart was literally hurting, I started burning up, and I couldn’t breath… I thought I was dying. I started to calm down and I took the next 30 more minutes with my dad to focus on him. As I sat there holding his cold hand and my mom sitting across from me holding his other, he started to get goosebumps and I could tell he was taking his last breath. He passed away peacefully, and I knew in that moment that he was no longer in pain, and that I would see him again one day.

Although, this has been the most painful two weeks of my life, I’m staying strong, because I know my dad would want me to laugh when I think of him, he would want me to tell people jokes, and remember how silly he was. I’m honored that I got to walk my dad down the aisle of salvation and I know he will be there as I’m being walked down the aisle on my wedding day. I’ll forever and always be his baby girl, his Sara Bug, and his Grumpy. I am my dad’s legacy and I will live the life I know he would have been proud of.

[thelifeofsararenee]

Well here it is everyone! Levi is so talented along with so many other people that helped make this awesome! I can't tell you all how proud I am to call him my boyfriend go listen to his music it's also free to download 💙👏🏼 @svardajl https://soundcloud.com/svarda/sets/alexlevi-ep

[thelifeofsararenee]

I love him so much 💙 @svardajl

[teenageers]

some minds

[thelifeofsararenee]

This looks like it's out of a dream 😍

[thelifeofsararenee]

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So here it is! I little promo video for Alex & Levi's EP! I know you're all excited to hear their stuff so be ready because the release will be on sound cloud Wednesday November 18th. The link will be in my bio! #alexandlevi #ep #brothers

[thelifeofsararenee]

To my best friends who truly work hard. I admire you and I admire the strength you all have in times of pain and sorrow. The Addiction To my friend who struggles daily with an addiction that will never leave your side. I love you no matter what. I pray that God gives you the strength to never cave into the liquid darkness. What’s truly important is find yourself and know who you are in Christ, don’t give up because I and so many others are holding you up when your legs can no longer bare the thought of standing. I admire your smile, your laugh, and how spontaneous you are. The Anxiety To my friend who’s anxiety eats their brain alive at times… You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re funny, and you have the biggest heart. I’m so proud to have a friend following their dreams to teach and to change lives in so many different areas of life. You’ve taught me about the love God has for me and you’ve been there when I was at my lowest point. I’m forever thankful. The Bad Luck To my friend who never seems to catch a break. I admire how strong you are even when everything is burning and crashing around you. You’ve lost everything you ever owned including bits and pieces of memories. Yet you held on and laughed with me about the tragedies in life. I admire how you can make any bad situation have happy outlook all because of your smile. I know hiding away sometimes seems to be the best method… but you need me, your family, your friends, and most importantly God. Don’t pull away. To my best friends who truly work hard. The many things I’ve learned from you all is how to let loose, laugh, not judge others, hang on when times are tough, and to love unconditionally. You’ve all molded me into the woman I’ve become today. Not only because you were my best friends but because you were my family. Thank you ❤️ - Sara

[thelifeofsararenee]

As I lay here half asleep and exhausted… I’m pondering so many thoughts. Why is it that we as fragile humans care so much what others think? Why do others feel the need to tell friends, co workers, family, or even strangers how to live the one life they have? I find myself puzzled when someone acts as if they are superior to another human being… maybe because they are “wiser” from age or “smarter” because of experience. Or simply they just seem to “know everything.” Then I grasp onto the thought that the problem lies within our hearts feeling as if we’re victims. As humans we can be stubborn, prideful, conceited, or maybe just maybe we THINK we “know everything.” svardajl

[thelifeofsararenee]

I can honestly say that I've never paid much attention to production companies... but while in high school this one always stood out to me. Now at the age of 21 I've realized I freakin love their work and always have! @blumhouse is amazing and being the horror film fanatic that I am I'm in love with the majority of their stuff. Props to you guys for being so talented and scaring people all over not to mention with the occasional laugh! l'm super excited to see the new things they are taking part in. #blumhouse #blumhouseproductions #insidious #thepurge #sinister #imafan #movies #horror #braggingmoment #dontdoitoften