the light from under your bed

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Don’t you ever wonder, what the fuck is going on with my life? Like i imagined that there would be a lot more people singing as of life was a musical. Would that even make someone more approachable? Probably not... I also imagined making friends would be so easy, but being socially inept kinda makes every encounter weird. Like how long are conversations meant to be? When have you established existence with someone? How do you know if someone even remembers you or a relationship has been establish? Is everything like an infomercial on a soap? How do you definitely decide who a person is and if they should or shouldn’t be in your life? And the one that will forever get me going is why does everyone give different answers? This is a test, you are being tested and I don’t know which ones of y’all are failing, but someone’s failing

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

I made a thing that I’m pretty obsessed with. Granite, I only made 2 because 1) I do this on the side to escape the mundane work and b) I don’t know if anyone would actually want these shirts as much as I would and I don’t have the space to cary have a ton. Also I’m low energy so let’s be amazed by the fact that I actually made these and I actually took pictures and I actually posted them on my etsy. I’d have 2 other shirts available on etsy eventually, but I need to take better pictures.

Like I’m not asking for a gold star, but like I’m asking for a gold star.

-withsmt

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Do you ever give someone your phone number for one reason and then they won’t stop texting you and you are like “oh... I’ve been conned... you don’t want my number just in case we get separated at Disneyland because we aren’t even there...”

-withsmt

[bloodyhellharry]

Have a potter xmas

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Existential dread, what's it good for? Absolutely everything! Here follow me down this alley that is a little too dark for your comfort, I'll hold your hand a little too tightly and you'll feel my hand shake was we both enter something we both know we will not come back from.

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Being heart broken is so last week and also semi-permanent and may wash out in 6-8 washes. So let's actually start writing again because it's much more fun to joke about anxiety and depression than seriously tell people you are having an anxiety attack over being dumped. So back with the light hearted cynicism ✌️

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Lie to yourself and pretend that you are fine when your anxiety is telling you it's not and try to fix things that aren't yours to fix.

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

For so long I have been afraid of being alone and clinging onto things that never were mind. Holding onto them in hopes that they would notice me and I'd do more and more for them while losing myself for them. And feeling like I'm insane for imagining that things weren't good. But I guess I've been lonely for such a long time and now that something's will never be mine, I'm ok with accepting some loneliness, that I cannot continue to always be a giver to the point where I give myself away, and that I cannot let anxiety control my choices or I never see past it.

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Knowing you are going to a lot more alone soon is one of the most garbage feelings. Like you are grasping at straws to make things right for you but your options for other people is cut by 70%. That you are going to lose so much so soon because you are trying to find that path for you and you lose the other paths you have been on and like being on. Lose someone you love, lose a lot of friends, see even less of the friends that remain and what is left? That alone feeling of not knowing what to do and needing help but all you have left is the ability to cry. That you can muster up the strength quite yet because the tears feed the monster in your head that keeps you down for longer than you'd like. I'm tired of being alone, weakly wandering this part of earth trying to find some comfortable space, I don't want to be alone again, it's like a sentence where you miss how long you must endure alone with sleepless nights and empty hearted days. How long must I endure?

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

The ideas of loved ones is more of a dull serrated knife the deeper you try to get with them, the more they Shittily cut till to are hanging by your thread cause as much as they tried they couldn't fully get to you. Now do you finish the job for them or do you squish it back and learn to be ok with yourself?

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

DIY: Bye B, Bye

Don’t you just hate having things that suck in your life? It does, it was a rhetorical question. Obviously yes. There are something you are just like “FFFFFUUUCCCCKKKK” cause you can’t really kick it in the booty and tell it bye. But there are some other things where you are also like “FFFFUUUCCCCKKKK” and maybe you can kick it in the booty and tell it bye, but you aren’t see if that’s a totally acceptable thing to do because time and memories. Well I can tell you with some success you can! I say some because haha anxiety with make you question that choice and you’ve got to remind yourself that you matter and if it ain’t cool with you, it ain’t cool.

“But withsmt, how the fuck do I do that? I mean I’ve spent so much time in this relationship and I have some good memories with ma homegirl. How can I possibly dump it all?”

I say grab 

a notebook 

a pen

a metaphorical trash can

and listen up!

Step 1: Make you are making the right choice. Have you brought up these issues with said person and they have totally got what you’re putting down. And then you find out that they totally didn’t even pick up like anything, not this hints, not the straightforward mentions, nothing? Next question, is this something that will continue to bother you for all of time if it’s not fixed? If you’ve answered yes, then great you now know you have made the right choice to continue with this DIY.

“Wait why did I need that list of things you previously mentioned?” So you can take notes if you are a notes person, I’m a note person gotta write that shit out and get a clear head. The trashcan is for when you are done trying to remember things. Just keep reading.

Step 2: Slowly withdraw yourself from that person, talk to them less, meet up with them less. Learn how to be comfortable without them.

Step 3: Confront said person and let them know that it bugs you that they do nothing to change. How do they respond? Do they finally understand what the fuck you’ve been trying to tell them for the past 2 years and want to work on being a better friend? Then you decide are you willing to wait a little long for more results and stop at step 3! Or do they act as if they didn’t realize that you’ve ever brought it up and act as if they are being genuine and sincere but then throw out a bitch comment like “I really love and value our friendship more than anything and I don’t want a gift from my boyfriend to come between us or cause a loss of my best friend.” Bitch how dare you think I’m a petty ass bitch and I can’t being happy for you that your boyfriend buys you gifts, get them gifts I don’t give a fuck about what your boyfriend buys you. You clearly missed my point for the past 2 years of having to be a 3rd wheel in our own conversations when I want to talk about me or things for us as homies and ...oh this is a DIY hahaha let’s keep going...

Step 4: Have the will power to continue to stand your ground on your person needs. If you’ve withdrawn yourself enough from them you’ll really only notice them gone when you are having a mental breakdown. And if you are anything like me, you’ll get angry at them and let it fester for a bit and you just kinda have to remind yourself that you tried and it ain’t no one way street.

“Was this DIY really for you? Also is this even a DIY?” Well obviously... but it’s good to share, isn’t that the spirt of DIY? Making shit to help yourself and show others that they can do fun DIY things too. And yes, I’m doing it myself, so why not?

-withsmt

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

I’ve added more Disneyland FastPasses styles to my etsy! If people are interested I have more Indiana Jones, World of Color, and Haunted Mansion, plus Big Thunder Mountain, Sorin’ over California, and California Screamin’ ready to be pressed.

[X]

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

New items available at my shop! Will be adding my zines (and new pieces that are soon to be finished but energy so those will take a bit longer to finish then print then assemble then add to etsy) and eventually more jackets once I get around to finishing those as well.

But like check out some of the items that I have been able to actually add to my etsy! Cause that would be cool of you. [X]

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Are you hard to be around too?

Ever feel so heart broken over a major flaw you always knew you had but didn't seem as bad cause no one told you about it? Like it was always just in your head? But you notice people moving away from you or disconnecting from you and you are just like communication is just hard for everyone. And then someone you care about tells you how they hate your major flaw and yea it's fucking there and they should have told you sooner? Like who do you become afterwords other than a sobbing mess? Do you even remember the good traits you had before that comment? Did you even have good traits to begin with? Who are you now? Who where you before? Where did those pieces of your heart fall that made you forget what was even good about you? Where they always missing and just made it easier to break? What do you do when you are told you are hard to be around? Cause I don't know if I'll ever be ok, I will further analyze my position with everyone and remove myself more because I never want to hear that again. Like fuck I need to find a new place to exist to even get over that statement.

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Less things and more half done projects

While I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster for a while, I’m trying to learn not to feel obligated to do things for others. Which is funny because it goes hand and hand with expectations. And they are in such like, like that they rarely let go of their hands. It’s like quit it you two! Let me do the things I thought I wanted to do and am now realizing that they were obligated things from partially expected people and... is there really anything that I want to do? Will I even get them done? Will I even get the things I want to get done, done? Or will it all go into oblivion while I’m at Disneyland?

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

My mental health has been everywhere all the time and I'm unable to create things for a while. I feel guilty on good days for trying to mend relationships and miss out on creating and crafting to regain myself. I feel disappointed and useless on bad days when I want help but don't deserve it and don't have the energy to create and I cry for no reason and a surge of sadness fills me from doing the most mundane things and I forget that I can be good due to other people's careless words floating around my mind. I lose myself and I'm scared to ask for help because I feel like I don't deserve it and because I don't know what that'll lead to. I just always want to feel good about who I am and what I believe in and what I do. For now I think of the what ifs to just bring me back down and believe that one day I'll be brave enough for those things.

[thelightfromunderyourbed]

Fun places to cry in public

1. Trains. They are a captive audience and must suffer through your sniffles with you. 2. The office. Let your coworkers know that you cry in public places. 3. In a public restroom. Blow that nose like everyone should be listening and ugly sob too. 4. At the mall. Nothing looks better on a shopper than tears. 5. At the restaurant. Maybe you'll get something free out of it.