I have lived on the lip of Insanity

[thelip0finsanity]

Grief is so weird. You think you’re fine, and then suddenly you finish an old show you used to watch together and can’t stop crying. Or you finally watch that show they couldn’t stop talking about, but now it’s too late to talk with them about it. And no one wants to talk about it with you. Your grief, that is. And people you know don’t really get it. Because all grief is unique to the person and the relationship. And there are so many secrets.

Life is strange.

[thelip0finsanity]

This pain feels too much to bear. I haven’t felt this level of anxiety and weight in my chest in 8 years. This heaviness feels inescapable. The grief. The fear. The dread. The hopelessness. I’ve messed everything up in all ways, I feel. For the ones I love the most.

I am trying to give myself compassion. Knowing that I’ve done a lot of work to try to handle all the things being tossed my way. Therapy and constant self-work. And pulling myself out of bed everyday. And working. And being alive. But still.

[thelip0finsanity]

[thelip0finsanity]

[thelip0finsanity]

[thelip0finsanity]

The antidote to grief is joy.

Risk everything for joy.

This needs to be my focus if I am going to pull myself out of this.

[thelip0finsanity]

[thelip0finsanity]

“But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here, and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, and that drive with the people who you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.”

[thelip0finsanity]

I’ve had a good week, full of distractions and a false sense of getting back to myself. Yes, it was good to rest and enjoy things. Today, I have all the opportunity to do things, but I’m in my pjs in bed crying. I’m sad. I feel nothing will ever be good again. I feel that nothing is worth the effort. I’m tired. I’m discouraged. I have no hope for the future.

[thelip0finsanity]

The last four months have seemed like an eternity. The longest months of my life.

I haven’t felt very connected to the people around me. I haven’t felt connected to much, but I do see it getting a bit better than the first month at least.

After losing my closest person, I then lost the sweetest kitty I’ve ever had. She was honestly such a soft soul and gave so much love to me and all who met her. And then a little over a week ago I lost my Nana. She at least lived a long and healthy life of 95 years and left quite a legacy. But I was unable to go to the funeral.

I feel numb. Jaded. Hardened. But still sad and lost. I feel stuck and afraid and overanalyzing all my life choices. I feel like I don’t have a choice, but I do. I know I need to do this work myself to move on and grow and heal. I just don’t want to hurt others in the process.

[thelip0finsanity]

It hurts to be vulnerable

I’ve been closed off for so long

I don’t need anyone

But then you show up and pretend to care

Or maybe you do care

As long as there’s something in it for you

Or depending on your mood

You slowly convince me it’s okay to bear my soul

And I start to open up

Little by little

Until one day you remind me

You’re just like the others

You can’t handle me

It only hurts when I forget

When I try to let someone else in

This old soul has journeyed too far and too long

It is rare to find that connection

You say if I’m so old I should never be tricked

But we all get lonely on this earth

This life has a way of tricking us into humanity

I can’t help but want to be known by someone here

Sometimes we forget our celestial ways

[thelip0finsanity]

Eternally the only person who has my back. Reminder to not rely on anyone. No one else can hack it.

[thelip0finsanity]

[thelip0finsanity]

[thelip0finsanity]

If only I realized sooner that this act we put on was not worth it. How foolish we both were.

[thelip0finsanity]

I’ve never felt this alone. Ever. I still can’t comprehend, nor do I want to, that you’re gone.

[thelip0finsanity]

I’m deep, in my core, sad. There are so many levels of this sadness. Questioning everything. Even good things can’t be simply good because of the web of lies and deceit over the years. How do we even begin to heal from this? Are we brave enough, strong enough? Am I? I am not sure what I’ve done to deserve the twisted ways that love shows up in my life. I’m both cursed and lucky. I could choose simplicity and an uncomplicated path, and I would be content. Or I can be brave and hope the possibility of the future will be enough to launch us forward. I’m torn because I also think you deserve more. Someone with less baggage, no connection, not complicit. You deserve more than me.