We're more than what scares us, we're final and fearless

[thelittlevictories]

Dear Mum,

It's been a year. A whole year since you left us and just over a year since we last spoke. I can't believe how quickly it has went. I hate how quickly it has went. I hope you could hear the music we played for you when you had to go, I figured if it was me I would be scared and I didn't want you to be so I put Three Little Birds on to hopefully give you some comfort.

I can't believe we haven't spoken in so long, I had never went a single day without even texting you before. I still do sometimes.

It's been a weird year, some good and some bad. I have my own flat now, who'd have thunk I'd be the first kid to move out? Bobby Lennox used to live here apparently. I've got a cat as well, his name is Bones and you'd hate him. He's more like a dog though. I did tell you if you didn't wake up I'd get another puppy but I got a kitten instead. Well, you weren't here to stop me, I cannot be held accountable for my actions.

I've met a load of really cool people this year that have been looking after me in their own separate ways, whether they even know it or not. The Yellow Movement folk have helped me a lot, they band together like a weird, drunk transformer (literally in Nico's case, you'd have loved her) and make sure I don't go without. I was able to go to loads of festivals thanks to their kindness. I wish you had been able to have came with me, especially to Eden. We always said we'd go but never made it together but you would have absolutely loved it, it's literally life changing. They even have a charity shop on site. Carol was there and I embarrassed her in front of The Colonel by telling him she didn't like Colonel Mustard but after their set she changed her mind just like you said she would. I saw Mr. Motivator as well, that was weird. A guy randomly played Three Little Birds in the Casa Caliente tent late on the Saturday night, obviously I cried like a bitch but I like to think it was you coming to say hello. Mainy was there to cuddle me so I wasn't alone and the boys from The Stumblers were strewn about the floor as well. You'd have loved them too. You know that feeling you got when the Dawgs played I Like to Boogie? They make you feel like that with every song, you would be doing your mad Shang-a-lang dance all over the place.

Speaking of Shang-a-lang, at another festival called Mugstock that came on in between bands and I went to dance for you then it was followed by Three Little Birds. Was that you? I hope so. I couldn't speak when I left the tent because I was greetin' obviously and then Dougie fae Mickey 9's said hello and I looked like a tit so thanks for that. Oh also, I've since told him you said he was the human embodiment of your mental illness which everyone found hilarious.

Your Gonzo boys have been good too. Not behaving by any means, but they've been good to me. Herron isn't in jail so that's always a bonus. We had a party for you the night you left us, none of us could quite comprehend how you would never be there to party with us ever again and I'm sure Spence misses you trying to get in aboot him at all times.

Oh I forgot about Yellowlands, remember the day you got diagnosed with pancreatitis and the only thing to make you smile was the thought of making it home to go to Yellowlands? Well you did, maybe not physically but 2000 people saw your smiling face on the big screen because Colonel Mustard played Ginger Girl first and it was for you. Rumour has it Herron actually cried but they remain unconfirmed. It was amazing though, I was on stage. I didn't know where to look, I looked at the huge crowd and panicked so turned away only to see your huge smile on the screen behind me which was bittersweet because it was a lovely touch and reminded me of all the times we had together at gigs but it also just hit me then that I wouldn't be able to share them with you anymore. Gavin Mitchell knows who you are by the way, you know the guy who plays Boaby the Barman in Still Game? He offered me condolences and I showed him the photo of us as Jack and Victor and told him the story of how you chickened out of saying hello in the Oran Mor when we were filming with Friday. He thought it was hilarious and said “Nae offence, but yer maw actually looks like Jack.” which I took as a compliment, you looked brilliant. That was out best Halloween costume ever.

I miss you so much. I look at photos of you and cannot even begin to comprehend how I'll never see you again, how I'll never be able to speak to you or make you laugh. How can that be?

I hope you're okay wherever you are. Are Sasha and Lizzie with you? I hope so, I know how much you loved and missed them both. I hope they were waiting for you. Uncle Robert and Auld Pappy as well. Granny Bourne and Billy and Josie. So many good people to look after you for us.

People have been asking if you're the reason loads of good celebrities died last year. Were you taking them to party with you? Probably.

Lee is engaged, that's mental isn't it? Your sunshine is going to have an actual wife and all sorts. I'm glad you got to meet Shelley and know who he's going to spend the rest of his life with. He misses you so much too but I'm sure you know, I know he talks to you all the time. Just stop standing on the landing and scaring him please. I know we said you could visit but that's just pure no funny.

I know you've came to check up on me a few times, I see what you mean about being able to tell when its 'just a dream' and when its really someone coming through to you. Thank you for doing that. I can't remember what it was you told me to remember when you first came to see me thought and I know it was really important, tell me again if you can. You can come and see me whenever you want, show me something really obvious that you're there though because you know I'm an idiot. Have you been to visit Nan and Pap? They don't think you have so if you can please try to, they need their Babbit.

Anyway, I better go now. Please know I'm going to keep fighting for you for as long as it takes, we all will. Don't worry about me, I've got good people around me who won't let me fall. I won't let myself fall, I can't, you're not here to pick me up again. But I'm okay, don't worry about a thing, mama, cos every little thing's gonna be alright. Just like you always told me.

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day.

I love you more than any words in any language could ever portray and I will miss you with every fibre of my being until that sunny day when we do meet again.

Yours eternally,

Devil Child xxx

[thelittlevictories]

Confidence?

Contrary to popular belief I'm not actually a confident person. I'm not confident in the way I look, I'm not confident in the way I dress, I'm not confident in my photography or the way I act or the things I write. In my eyes there always seems to be someone doing it better. Well, very rarely at least, there are certain exceptions occasionally but even at that half the time I over think them and convince myself no one wants to know or no one will notice anyway so what's the point?

I've always been this way. To be fair I have gotten slightly better as I've got older but I think that comes with the realisation you can just make it up. Just pretend you're fucking brilliant until you've either convinced yourself or everyone around you.

If you fake it till you make it enough that you actually believe it does that mean you're lying to yourself? Or is it like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and all you've actually done is change your pattern of thought to a more positive one?

Alternatively if you have successfully managed to convince those around you that you are some sort of super-confident being, which it seems I may have done, are you lying to them? I don't think I am. What I show outwardly is me, its simply an exaggerated version of me. Those who stick around long enough to get a look behind the mask won't see someone else, I'm not a completely different person behind it, all they'll see is a quieter, more subdued version of what they knew...with a little bit more crying in the fetal position.

This goes hand in hand with the convincing the outside world you're better than what you are because after a while, when everyone believes you're great, you'll hit a low or you'll fuck something up and think to yourself “See, this is what I'm really like. If they knew they'd hate me. I can't fucking do anything right.” or something equally as self deprecating. I've been there, crying in my mum's bed because I was so down and dejected having I found myself unable to whatever simple task because I was so depressed I had over thought it so much I'd convinced myself there was no point in trying with anything ever because I'm shite at stuff and won't ever amount to anything. That's the kind of shit you think when you have no confidence in yourself, these thoughts creep into your head and taunt you at any given moment. Having depression on top of a severe lack of confidence definitely does not help the situation any.

My mum would try and convince me otherwise, seeing me from the outside and seemingly able to see my worth and my 'talents' and knowing fine well I would be fine, but inwardly I could not see it, never mind believe it, even when my own mother was telling me. She would give me examples and refer to several of the cool people I know from the music scene or whatever and say “So-and-so absolutely loves you, they think you're brilliant. Do you think they'd keep asking you to take photos if they didn't?” but that would make me feel worse, “Of course they do, mum, because I made them think that. If they saw me right now and knew what I'm really like they'd think I was an idiot.” and then I'd roll into a tighter fetal position and probably cry more. The next weekend I'd be out lying to so-and-so again, laughing and joking and drawing attention to myself on purpose to deflect any attention for the wrong reasons. If I was controlling why the attention was on me then I could be sure it wasn't because someone thought I was an idiot, or so I hoped at least.

But is it lying?

I'm actually starting to not think it is. You see, I've managed to do things and achieve things I doubt I ever thought I would by 'lying' to myself. I'm a model now....sort of...a little bit. I've done a few shoots and upon seeing the finished product thought to myself “Hey, you don't look half bad.” and only had to minorly fight the thoughts questioning the clever lighting and photoshop. That wasn't a lie though, I genuinely felt it. It wasn't overwhelming, I didn't print posters and put them up across the country with the headline “I'm Fucking Beautiful” but I also didn't overthink it and find myself in a sobbing heap later on. I've faked it until I made it in the smallest of ways.

I still put on a mask to some extent, I imagine I always will. My jokes and tattoos are my armour, I can hide behind them if I need to and sometimes I do. But other times I manage to just walk up to some random person in Aldi who has an Elvis bag and say “Hiya, look at this, isn't it brilliant?” and thrust my arm under their nose.

This post is in no way fishing for compliments or attention seeking. It was something that came to mind and I wrote the opening sentence then just let words come out how they wanted to. I'm not looking for your praise or pity. Someone may read these words and relate to them, someone may take comfort from knowing that its okay to wear a mask sometimes. I'm working hard to create more confidence for myself and I hope if anyone is in the same or similar situation or mind set but need a bit of help they will have the confidence (real or not) to get in touch with me so I can be that help.

[thelittlevictories]

The Beginning.

I created this blog well over a year ago but never actually uploaded any content.

It was initially intended to be a way of keeping track of my weight gain after I lost so much but I didn’t have the motivation to actually get well again and commit to a blog at the same time so that didn’t happen.

Then my mum got ill which was quite frankly rude of her, so I was somewhat preoccupied with hospital visits and worrying. Sadly she didn’t recover and had to leave us and at the time of writing this it’s just shy of a year since she went. I still can’t believe it.

I’ve toyed with the idea of writing and posting things for a while but talked myself out of it. Who would want to read about shit that goes on in my life? But then several months ago I posted something about my weight gain on Facebook and it got such a positive reaction that I decided ‘fuck it’. It still took me months to actually do it though.

So here I am.