Feelings suck so hard
I feel like the worst person on the planet. Could I be worse? From about September to December I had this thing going with a guy, lets name him Sam. It was kind of a mutual booty call. We met at the local club, and I would come with him home, we would fuck, and the following morning/day/afternoon (depending on how hungover we were) he would drive me home. It sounds really bad, but it wasn't. Sam was actually my first. That night I felt so special - we talked all evening at the club, he introdused me to friends, while I ignored my friends, and when I went home with him he was really sweet, he was gentle, and asked if I was okay with this, if it hurt, and assured me all the way that I could stop any time I want. It was actually the best way for me to lose my virginity. But after that night we didn't talk for about 4 weeks or so - then we met at the club again, and the same thing happened. I got his Snapchat, and soon we were on each others top lists. And then I went home with him again, and the next weekend as well. But then, one night in (I think it was) early November I asked him "Sam, do you have any feelings for me, or am I just a booty call? Because I think I've developed feelings for you.." He told me that, yeah, there might be more to me than a booty call, but he wouldn't let there be an "us". He didn't see that we had a future, and he didn't wan't to be a partypooper for me while I was finishing my last year in school (which involves A LOT of partying from January - June). And he didn't know where he would be in a year, or where I would be in a year. I was disappointed, but still met with him 2 more times, before I said "this is the last time I'm going to be with you." I thought I had lost interest in him, and told myself that I would never think of him again. The following weekend I met Andy. Andy is very different from Sam. Andy is probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. He is quite tall, with blonde hair that swirls around his head when it grows too long, light blue eyes, a fairly large lower-lip, and the biggest hands I have ever held. Everything about Andy is different. He told me the first time we hung out that I was "the most awesome girl I have ever met!" Mainly because I too, listened to heavy metal, that I had a summer job that involved truckdriving, Zink, and industry, drive a motorbike, and go sports-line-school. I have slept at Andy's place 3-4 times, without doing IT yet. Lately, the amounts of Snapchats a day has gone from all-the-fucking-time to maybe-1-or-2. He has stopped sending med kisskiss goodnight-snaps, and I haven't been to his place for 2,5 weeks. And now it's the weekend again. I'm at a friends 19th birthday party, there's booze, there's tequila, there's music, and Sam has sent me 3 snapchats before it's 8pm. He is clearly drunk, because he believes that I'm going to travel up to where he's at, and he's writing shit that doesn't really makes sense, so I just go with it, and answer him, and laugh a little, because he is after all (almost) 22, and should be able to have a little self-control. At around 1am I call Andy, to hear what he's up to. He just got home from his party, and is eating wok and watching MI3. And he does not seem super eager when I ask when I can come out to his place again, and after 10 minutes we say goodnight, and "see you later". At 3am I have arrived at nach, and suddenly there's life in Sam again, and he's sending me snapchats, and I'm answering, and we kind of have a conversation, where he reveals that he had actual feelings for me as well at the time, but he didn't dare say anything in the morning. The weekend after he had told me we were never gonna be anything but fuckfriends, you can imagine I was kind of pissed, and also kind of drunk, so I did something intensely stupid: I made out with a guy, whom I do not like, do not think is pretty, or smart, or anything I should be wasting time with. I was just pissed and drunk, and sad. And he was a smoker, and he tasted like smoke, and it was horrible, and I regretted immediately. I went out, called Sam, and asked him if he could pick me up, and if I could go home with him. What I didn't know, that Sam only told me now, 2 months later, is that he had been thinking about what he said for the entire week, and he had regretted, and he was planning to talk to me, and say that he wanted something to happen between us, and to apologize for treating me like a booty-call when he actually wanted there to be something. But I smelled and tasted like smoke, he thought I was a smoker, and he hates smoke. And he didn't say it. Because he didn't wan't to come with demands, and tell me that I had to change who I was if I wanted to be with him. And after that weekend I cut all contact. I was trying to get over him, because I realized that what I was doing would only come back and bite me in the ass, since obviously I was the weak, silly girl with feelings. And as he was telling me this (I called him somewhere in the conversation, so he said most of this on the phone) and apologizing for his behaviour, and telling me that "you deserve someone good after meeting me" I realized that the feelings I thought I had rid myself of, had only been hiding in the back of my mind - I had built a steel frame around the river of emotions, blocking all the water from flowing, and when he told me everything, he tore that steel wall down, and all the water came crashing down, and crushing me. I am crushed, because I have realized that I have feelings for two persons at the same time. I am crushed, because I don't know what I should do. I am crushed, because I feel so incredibly guilty over Andy, because he doesn't know any of this, because what I may do may hurt him, and he is the sweetest person in the world, and I don't want any one to hurt him, especially not me, but there is something about Sam, about my first, about his confidence, his laughter, about the way he talks and the way he smiles at me that makes my heart skip a beat, and my knees weak. I am crushed because I feel that whatever I may do could be terrible. I feel so bad because I don't know if Sam still has these feelings for me, or if he is actually over me. I feel so bad because I also don't know if Andy has feelings for me, if he wants me to visit him, if he wants us to do it, if he wants to watch Sons of Anarchy with me on the sofa. I feel so bad because I think that if I "choose" one of them I fear that I will always walk around with uncertainty, and what if's, and questions, and feelings that won't go away. I feel so so so bad, because they are both good guys, and none of them deserves to be treated the way I treat them right now. I feel so bad. I feel so bad. I feel so bad. I am the worst person on the planet
