Tales of the Sea
Dust becomes youth become strangers become acquaintances become friends become lovers become family become old return to dust —
I bury my feet in black sand, weak and confused by the news of another death. Can anyone ever really prepare for this type of news? Of this type of betrayal? Of this type of loss? I sink my feet deeper, this time feeling the warm saltwater; it’s never not summer here anyway.
I wonder if this water once touched your skin, because now more than ever I feel you near me. I take a deep breath and all I smell are the cigarettes we shared under the blue bridge under the even bluer sky. I hear the soft waves and your young laughter and your aching pulse. Will I ever be at peace again? I throw a broken shell back into the sea, hoping for a full reverse.
I never chased waterfalls, just waves. I make my way to jump from a cliff; they say the waves are best down below from there. I feel gravity pull me down as I let go. Did I lose this time around? For a second or two or three hundred I wanted to be eaten by the larger water, so it would be my fault I could never again hold you close. As the waves crash I remember cars and traffic and hospital runs and death and that I, for now, am still living.
So is he and she and they and we all. We’re all living. For now, we’re all living without you. Or with you. I guess that’s a decision each of us is gonna have to make. I choose to stay with you. I promise this as I write our initials on the sand, hopeful that the water never rises high enough to reach my proclamation of love.
See, I’ve got plans to get to you. If I knew where the money went I may have taken a ship. But right now I’m struggling and I can only fold up a paper boat and try to float to you. Or maybe I can swim to you. Slow and steady does the trick, says Phelps’ coach never. But I won’t do it in chlorinated freshwater; I’ll freestyle through oceans and find my way to you. And if I don’t drown on the way, I’ll feel better. I’ll be better because you’ll know what to say. You always know what to say. Even when you think you don’t. Even when you can’t.
Like you put the stars in my sky, you also took them one by one. You put out the fire in my heart using the sea. In the middle of the water you let my drown, and you watched as I struggled - as I continue to struggle. Could you have done anything? Why did you do any thing you did? Is it for every time we fought? Is it for every time I turned my back even if I was in the wrong? Is it for every time I said no to what made you happy? Well, I’m here now. I can make you happy. Let’s spend the night laying by the wild beach, tracing with coarse fingertips our beautiful future together. Just come back to me. We’ll do it all, have it all.
But morning will soon come and you would have to go, and I would too without you. I never thought our love would break as we both drowned in different directions, yet here we are. You are there and I am here. You are you and I am I and you were my home and could I ever believe in heaven again if you were mine?
