It’s Been a Long Time, Oops..
I shouldn’t have left you.
But forreal, I feel left. Lonely really, like I forgot myself in a way too. Let me first start off by saying staying sober fucking sucks. It’s difficult, irritating, and just fucking sucks.
I just really need to vent about sad I am.
*SIDENOTE* I hate that I never “write” when I’m happy, or any emotion besides sad/hurt. I think I just get so caught up in how good the emotion feels I just wanna bask in it and never let it go....but at the same time, wouldn’t writing make that memory and the emotions that go with it stick around longer ? I don’t know, I just don't make any sense to myself sometimes man.
Anyway, I’m sad. I’m gonna try to make this quick because I feel like I just need to go to church and get some shit off my chest. Top things that grind my gears and make my days a little gloomy are my husband, my family, not having real friends, heightened feelings of depression/anxiety.
1.) My husband is a 14 year old boy trapped as a married 24 year old man with children. I say that because I’ve never came across a 24 year old that is as immature and disrespectful as him. It hurts to my core how he treats me. I have regrets marrying him and I want to leave, but I always think about “who would want me?”. “We can make it work as years go on and as we get to know each other better”, “He’ll grow up, just be patient”, “Stay and pray”. But it gets so hard, I feel so broken on the inside.
2.) My sister seems like she doesn’t want much to do with me. I know I can be a burden and my life is super complicated, but sometimes all I want is my sister. All I want is to escape the chaos and have fun with her. I miss her so much. Ever since I started being vocal to her about problems within my marriage everything slowly began to change between us. She became my only friend, I was beginning to grow a relationship with her. Something I’ve wanted for so many years, but I guess I have to keep wishing at the rate we’re going.
Then my brother doesn’t care for me like I thought he did. I wish he could be there for me. It really makes me miss Sam, (even though he was homeless and an addict, I love him). He was always there, ALWAYS. I miss him so much. I just wanna hear his voice, talk to him one more time.
3.) I just wish I had real friends. Friends that I can count on for literally anything. Friends that don’t fake. That is definitely my fault though. I’ve burned bridges with some good people, I wish I could take it all back.
4.) With everything going on in my life, it’s just made my anxiety worse. And when I thought I would never deal with depression, it came creeping back. My husband gaslights me constantly and makes me feel like my feelings are invalid. I’m constantly told by him that I’m just sensitive and delusional. I wish I had the resources to properly deal with it, but with limited money and no health insurance it feels almost impossible. I just want to get out of this pit.
So there it is just pushing and praying for better days.
*SIDENOTE* I need to really dissect these issues later... maybe? Only if I have weed or alcohol around. Ha, so basically never ...?
Anyway, my husband has no sense of boundaries, (I was sitting alone in the living room with music writing, crying. He doesn’t speak, just walks over me to turn his PlayStation and start playing online. I can’t speak up because he gets mad.) I just get sooo tired of being the only one who is accommodating and considerate in this relationship.
.......this...this is what makes me slowly die on the inside.
