felix

amittere, perdere, destruere

[thelucky0nes]

an introduction!

i think it's really funny that i've had this blog for a long time but i've never done a proper intro.

i'm felix, i use they/he pronouns! i'm mostly a musician and composer. i draw and read a lot in my free time, i play the violin and piano, i like to write. i used to dance a lot and i'm working my way back into dancing more often

i like sea animals, outer space, experimental movies and theatre, and the mountains! i work with horses in my free time and absolutely LOVE animals

always happy to make a friend or to share work!

[thelucky0nes]

made vegan cinnamon rolls today!

[thelucky0nes]

today’s breakfast! found vegetarian refried beans at long last

[thelucky0nes]

a great pleasure lies in something new when the old is worn out and the road’s a dead end

there’s a new spark in fresh soil, a new road, a new trail, new hands, eyes, a new sight, a new friend

oh, it’s something to arrive to a crackling fire when your feet have been moving for far too long

there’s comfort when you realize this new place is saying you don’t always have to be strong

it’s a break by a pond when the work day is done, when the adrenaline is gone from the walk on the wire

it’s the sea of faces waving and calling your name, it’s the smile when it’s late and you’re starting to tire

when you emerge from a forest where the vines are winding and the snakes are biting, you no longer roam

you arrive in the city, you arrive in the stars. you’re starting to think you could call this place home.

[thelucky0nes]

the overview effect is actually one of the most beautiful things ever

[thelucky0nes]

this was actually so good oml. it’s kind of dal inspired, which is an Indian lentil soup. added some frozen broccoli, tomato, garlic powder, and masala for a kick and ate it with tortillas. im vegetarian and mostly dairy free so this was such a fun way to get in protein and still have comfort food!!

[thelucky0nes]

been thinking a lot on sexism in the technical theatre field. i see it a lot in stage lighting and sound, which are my areas of emphasis. for reference i’m a gender nonconfirming afab person, i present however i want which i know reads as feminine quite often. i am currently working in a department with one other person, and we have our sound supervisor as well as the shows designer in charge. my coworker is a cis man. we are the same age, experience, and even height and strength are almost the same. the sound designer has almost never given me a direct task or question during work. literally every single time he needs something, he defaults to my coworker.

we have been pulling the same amount of weight the entire time we’ve been here, until now because literally every task is delegated to him. there is absolutely no reason for the designer to be asking less of me.

anyone else had this problem?

[thelucky0nes]

went on this GORGEOUS hike today oml

[thelucky0nes]

i wanna post my meals every now and then

today was soft boiled eggs and the yolks turned out PERFECT this time plus peanut butter and brown sugar oatmeal

[thelucky0nes]

i haven't been posting on here in a WHILE jesus

i do want to get more consistent about that though. i feel more compelled to share some of the other forms of art i make as well as getting back into writing and developing my style a little further. this is one of the few places i've consistently kept my writing around to look back at later, and i think that's a great retrospective. loads of fun.

i want to try posting more about music and visual art. i'm also working my way back into my ballet/contemporary skills, have been off my game for a while because of an injury + cumulative chronic illness.

[thelucky0nes]

you can say a million times that maybe this is the thing, today is the day that I am not coming back from, today I have lived through the thing that will burrow in my heart and hurt forever and yet yet yet the body finds a way to put itself back together, wounds force themselves to knit and heal and someday the hole in your head will not ache so deeply will not feel so permanent and someday maybe you can hope the hole will close

someday you will realize that we do come back from these things and someday you will prove to yourself that the truth you’ve heard a thousand times persists and that this will not last forever

that day will not be when you are 14 and you’ve made a bed in your closet to hide yourself from what you did, and it will not be when you are 16 and learning that you’ll let anybody hurt you, and it will not be when you’re 18 fresh off a plane in the back of a strangers car wondering why you bothered to be here at all with your arm still stinging, when you’re 18 wondering why things aren’t better yet and why you didn’t make another pass, when you’re living things from years ago over and over and over in your head and you insist to yourself that you’re not done

regardless of how your heart wants to feel

[thelucky0nes]

you've changed, i can see it in the lines on your face and the curves under your eyes, and i think it's time someone said to you that you can change if you want.

you can play the same ivory keys with different chords and different weights. you can play the same song in the relative major. you can do what you want

you can sit in the amphitheater 'till the crack of dawn if you like, you can sing in the dead of night

you still draw. you could never give up on any medium of art, only take breaks and come back with stronger and darker and bolder lines, less afraid to let the graphite stain your hands and the paint fleck your jeans

you are still scared. this is okay. you are learning.

[thelucky0nes]

your love is like going to bed on a warm summer night after watching the stars past the lights strung across the backyard, turned off so we could see meteors from the soft quilt on the ground of the garden past the ribbons of soft yellow glow to waking up on the coldest winter's morning on the same blanket except the same blanket is frozen solid beneath me and instead of ribbons of light there are ribbons of blood from where the ice protruded past my paler-growing skin as i thrashed in my sleep and there are meters of snow piled up on top of me and there is no hope of seeing the light and i lay there firmly convinced that it is time to die, it is time to bleed out and freeze at the same time and i fall asleep only to be awakened by the burning sun once more, the heat and the cold mixing under my skin like fire and ice fighting to the death

but you, you are fine. you are swinging in a hammock perfectly untouched, you are sheltered, the backyard door opened for you and you went inside with a hot cup of cocoa turned a cold glass of ice tea as the weather changed

not for me. doors do not open for me.

[thelucky0nes]

beloved, believe me, this isn't the last time

not the last word spoken or the last hug exchanged

or the last splatter of paint on my bare knees for you

nor the last time you call me and tell me you're here

that you're here, you're home, that you'll always be home

that you're family, a brother, you're somewhere to go

when the world is too loud and the walls are too quiet

and the empty space echoes with the screech of despair

you leave me with no hint of doubt in my mind

that in heaven, hell, or nothingness, i will meet you there

[thelucky0nes]

time's come where i am too old to be protected and too young to be unafraid

time's passed, years and years and i've been forced to wait and wait

for the sharper sword, for the brand-new armor, yet my skin is still bare and soft and weak

[thelucky0nes]

i am building a house sweet as a dream and fragile as sugar

house with walls of cards and snowflakes for windows

house of three little clay figurines and a toy cat coiled up, key for a tail

i am building a house that will fall if i breathe too hard

house that will fall if i breathe at all

house of bits and pieces, newspaper clippings and wires and old keys

house of things that must fit somewhere, but where they fit is long lost

house where a too-loud voice will send it crumbling

i am building a my masterpiece, a house lined with memories

house that's everything held sacred

house of everything i've ever prayed to

house that i am counting on

i am building a house that i know will soon be gone

but i build it knowing that no matter the breath the voice the touch

i still have the pieces

i can build another house

[thelucky0nes]

it's the little things that count the most

a quiet symbol screaming do not look down on me, do not hate me but i am here

screaming that i risk being unloved but the risk is worthwhile, for there is love in the little things that this sparks

a stranger recognizing the colors, and quietly telling you

hello, i know you, yes you are here

we are the same. we are loved. we are proud.