❝ we're alright, though ❞

macey | xxi | hermes — ✧ * she’s MESSY and she’s ROUGH, covered in chipped paint and bullet holes. but, she makes your shadows look like stars, and CHAOS was always your f a v o u r i t e colour, anyway.

[steviefeels-deactivated20211114]

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Brent kept his gaze downward, a frown tugging at the corner of his lips. What had he done in the past, besides cower? Besides limit his life, add to the growing list of places he had to avoid: the arena, the infirmary, the denser parts of the forest. An ache of sadness settled into his chest.

“I don’t know what makes them stop,” he admitted, and this was almost as bad as the paralyzing fear. No matter what Macey would say to convince him otherwise, he felt that this was the most shameful part of this. That he had let it get the better of him, over and over and over and over. “Whenever it happens I just, wait for it to end.”

“Oh.” The word was a tiny breath out of her mouth, surprised, like she’d been hit in the gut and it was all the air she had left. How was it that the strongest person she knew was able to fall apart so easily? She didn’t realize her heart could ache more than it already was, but, the taut, sore feeling in her chest got stronger watching his eyes fall to the floor. “Well,” She ran her free hand over her lips, thinking, “Then for right now, maybe we should stick with what you know? But at least this time, I’ll be here waiting with you, too. So you’re not alone.”

For a fleeting moment she felt a wave of self-deprecation. She wasn’t good enough for this, she didn’t know how to help, what kind of girlfriend just sits and waits out some sort of panic attack? But for once, the better part of herself pushed it away. She was trying, and that was good enough. “I—I don’t have any other ideas. I wish I did, but I don’t want to make anything worse. Once you’re feeling better maybe we can like, look into things that maybe could help?” Macey scooted her body further up onto her bed and laid down, gently patting the spot next to her. “But, for now I could keep distracting you if you want, or you could keep talking to me?”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

It’s not that he didn’t want to talk about it, it was that nothing he could say seemed to be enough. The words never matched the feeling, and the hole it could carve out in him was too painful to deal with if he wasn’t going to be able to get his point across. But he felt like he owed it to Macey— and maybe that was residual guilt, but he didn’t care— to at least try saying something. He nodded, but it took another moment for him to actually start speaking.

“I… used to get these a lot more,” he admitted. “Flashbacks. Back when they started it was like anything could trigger them. I could be going for a run and…” He shook his head. “But they… I thought they stopped, a while ago. I dunno. I haven’t had one in like, a year? I thought I’d gotten better.” He frowned at their hands. “They suck.”

“I mean...no matter how long its been, it’s something that stays with you. So like, it’s okay to not be ‘better’, or whatever. ” Macey stared at their hands, wishing she could just pull him into a hug and not let go. It took her a moment to put a finger on the feeling sitting in the bottom of her stomach: she wanted him to be safe.

But, there’s only so much you can do to make someone feel safe when you know so little about the problem. So, she pushed on. “What do you normally do when this happens?” She gave his hand another small kiss, "Like, what do you do to help them stop?”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Despite his best efforts, Brent missed bits and pieces of what she said. But it did what he hoped it would; his vision was still fuzzy and unfocused, and he almost lost his grip on the present a few times, but in the end he stayed with Macey. Her words became an anchor, and he latched himself to the details he could catch, focused on the way her voice lilted with amusement and an energy she was surely conjuring up for him. By the end of her story, he hesitantly thought he might be safe from slipping away again.

“I don’t doubt it,” he mumbled, trying mostly unsuccessfully at a smile. Too soon for that, it seemed. He wasn’t out of the woods yet, but it was better than even two minutes ago— or it would be if he managed to stick around.

“The next time I need to distract myself I’m going to think about spaghetti in your sister’s hair.” That felt a touch closer to his typical humor, quiet and unsteady as it was. The debilitating fear was slowly starting to ease. He was more alert, more responsive. But he was still holding her hand like his life depended on it.

The response was better than what she anticipated. “Good,” Her smile was gentle, and she gave his hand another squeeze. It felt like some light was coming back into his eyes, waking up again. But he was still hurting. That was plain to see. Now the question was, where do they go from here? Macey was absolutely clueless as to what would help Brent, and Brent was clueless as to what would even help himself. What did they do back when she was the one who was hurting?

“Do...you want to talk about it?” She finally asked, hesitant, “I know sometimes getting all the thoughts in my head said out loud helps to clear my brain, but, maybe that’s just me.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

In the end, the voices won out. She had kept him here longer than usual, but when the flashback came in earnest, he was somewhere else. 

To this day he never had the right words for what this felt like. When he told Macey there was, despite his best efforts, something missing from the description. And this, the thing that felt more honest to his experience than the simple, terrible two weeks it had been, was even harder. How was it possible to articulate how… bent, and exaggerated— and ridiculous, really— reliving this looked like? People, stretched out and snarling and hurting him, killing him over and over and over and over instead of the other way around.

Macey kissed the back of his hand, and he briefly came out of it. He didn’t remember walking but they had moved to her bed, sitting side by side. He started going away again, but Macey’s hand was still there, and he wanted to stay. “Can you, like, tell me a story, or something? Anything, just keep me distracted, please.”

“I—Yeah,” She nodded in earnest, “Whatever you need. Um,” There were plenty of stories that she could tell, but what kind of story he needed, she wasn’t sure.

“Have I ever told you about the time I dumped spaghetti on my sister’s head?” In the end, Macey decided to roll with something funny. She watched his expression for a moment, then continued, “We were coming home from a dance competition,” She mused, “And it was one of the few times my mom actually had the time in her schedule to show up. But goddamn Kenzie wouldn’t shut up about winning the science fair the day before, while I was literally sitting in the backseat with three, brand new, platinum-score trophies bigger than my entire body, sweating and covered in makeup from spending like, eight hours at a literal sports competition. Of course my mom cared more about the science fair project because, well, science. And, gods, Brent, I was so mad. I like, couldn’t even get a word in, which says a lot because, well, you know me.” Macey gestured to herself, as if the current rambling was case in point enough.

“So, we had spaghetti for dinner that night. And she was still going off about that stupid science project! Naturally, Maddie and Melissa were listening, too, instead of asking me about the competition. Maybe I was just being self-centered and jealous, who knows, but, when I went up for seconds, instead of my plate I grabbed the whole damn pot of pasta,” Macey eyed him again, seeing if he was looking attentive and alert, or glazed over and faraway again. When he looked present she continued, “And I dumped the whole fucking thing on her head. Oh god, she screamed so loud—not because the pasta was hot or anything, I’m not that bad—and it took an hour to scrub all the sauce out of her hair. I got grounded for a month. And my mom never showed up at another dance competition. But, it was a hundred percent worth it. So basically, don’t mess with me or I’ll toss your vegan protein shake or whatever all over you.”

On any regular day he’d comeback with a witty retort and they’d banter until it broke off into kisses or laughter. Tonight wasn’t the case. But, Macey smiled regardless, hoping the lightness may have helped somehow.

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

There were times when Brent knew, objectively, that it was okay to ask for help. He had encouraged others to do it. He even convinced himself that he could, and would. But when it came time to actually ask, he balked and changed his mind. And every time his trauma would take hold of him, he hid.

This wasn’t a magic fix, or a perfect solution, but standing there with Macey was so much better than dealing with it alone. It was strange feeling: he was still sinking, and this was easier to bear, all at once. He didn’t know what to make of it.

“I’ve never,” he faltered but started over. “I think this is the first time I’ve been with someone, when this happened.” He wondered if he could even hear her, or was he imagining that his voice was that hoarse? He was definitely imagining the others— how could you, why did you, please please save me—calling to him, but those he tried to ignore in favor of Macey.

“Really?” She looked up at him, surprised. But, as she thought about it more, the look of surprise faded into another frown. This happened before she was even at camp, that’s at least four years ago. The realization tugged at her heart like a sudden, pulled muscle: he’d spent all that time suffering by himself.

Macey unwrapped herself from the hug to take his hands, pausing a moment to run her thumbs over his knuckles before walking them over to her bed. Her steps were air-light and gentle; Dancer steps.  “I’m sorry,” She said, sitting down, “That’s awful.”

Seeing him like this felt strange, like a parallel universe she’d been dragged into. Brent was always the one who held it together, made everyone feel better. But, clearly, there’d never really been anyone to do the same for him. Macey straightened up a bit, the clearest thought in her mind that she wanted to be that person. She pressed a small kiss to the back of his hand.

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Brent thought he had plenty to apologize for, but nodded mutely. He didn’t move, though, frozen to his spot as the onslaught of memories hit him in earnest. His face crumpled. Gods, how did he survive this before? How had he managed to ride these attacks out for the hours and hours they carried on? Every single part of him wanted to make it stop, stop, stop.

The thought came to him belatedly (and almost slid away again among all the blood-splatter) that maybe Macey could help. Keep him here, or mostly here, or even just enough here. But immediately this felt wrong, cruel even, to impose on her. So Brent bit the inside of his cheek and stayed quiet. But he finally, finally, managed to take her advice; he moved to the bed to sit. He made it about two steps before he had to stop again.

He pressed his eyes shut, trying to keep himself steady. His arms went around Macey. “I hate this,” he lamented quietly. He wished he could say more, but the words died on his tongue. 

“I know.” She sighed into his chest. Although, she didn’t quite know, but, that seemed like the best thing to say. Macey was wandering through this in the dark with no flashlight, and she already hated the dark. There were a million other words sitting on her tongue, attempts at making it all go away. But, for once, she knew better. Anything she thought she could do seemed so trivial compared to what he was dealing with. So, she was running on blind faith, hoping her presence and a listening ear was enough. 

Her arms wrapped around Brent tightly. He always felt so much bigger than her, but, right now he felt small, like she could wrap her whole self around him and keep all the demons away. She resorted to pressing her face into his shirt for a moment, taking in the familiarity of it all. “But, I’m not going anywhere,” I’m here. You’re safe, she wanted to say. Instead it came out as, “Take your time.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

He didn’t know what would help, not really. He had never asked for it before, whenever this happened. And if he was being honest, he didn’t know if anything would— if it was pointless to try. Macey was at his side, trying to give him whatever he needed and he had nothing to suggest, nothing to offer up.

It occurred to him that he wanted to hide, because he had turned his head away when Macey came close. As if it wasn’t obvious what was happening. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, and among all this fear there managed to be some room for shame. He didn’t want her to see him like this, falling to pieces, no better than he had been four years ago. Her hand was resting on top of his. It was a tiny anchor keeping him here, if only somewhat.

Lacing his fingers with hers, Brent tried making eye contact. But as quickly as he met Macey’s gaze, he looked away again, and there was all the guilt he had been anticipating. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

Macey frowned, watching him fold into himself. “You don’t have to apologize,” She gave his hand a light squeeze, “I know it’s hard.” That’s all she could really say, the only piece she could fully relate to. Falling apart isn’t easy, and falling apart in front of someone—even someone you trust—is harder.

She inched in a little closer, taking their closed hands as a sign that it had maybe helped. What had he done the few times she’d gotten like this after the war was over? She was trying to remember. “I do think you should sit, though,” Her words a gentle nudge, “Like, rest.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Momentum was the only thing that carried him into her room. Automatically, he reached for Macey, hand on the back of her head, pressing his lips to her temple. A few more steps brought him to her dresser, which he pressed his shaking hands against in an attempt to steady himself. Everything was unreal; he barely recognized the room he spent half his time in. Life was happening in pieces, and while some played out in front of him in real time, the rest was stuck miles and years away.

The worst part was always that every terrible thing smashed together, days turning into minutes in his memory. In this version, there were no blessed, fraught hours of silence. There was no escape into sleep, no matter how exhausted he felt. He still needed to answer Macey. “Um…” But there was a strange impossibility to this, right now. Brent squeezed his eyes shut. “He’s a child of Phobos. He didn’t mean to do anything, but…”

Macey watched him move on autopilot. Brent had been scared before; Nervous, jumpy, withdrawn, but never like this. It wasn’t hard to see his hands shaking on the dresser.

His words took a moment to register, puzzling themselves together one at a time until her eyes went wide, heart sinking down into the pit of her stomach. What could he be so afraid of? “Oh.” She blinked, the answer obvious, “Oh, shit.”

Her movements were quicker now. “Do...you need to sit down? Or do you want like, some water?” Macey tested a gentle hand on top of his, hoping it’d help. What would help? Was it even okay for her to take his hand like that? She had no idea. All she knew is that he was hurting, and her heart was burning to do something about it.

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

The horrors of the night had left camp in silence. Doors were closed, no one was out. The screaming from earlier was still echoing, bouncing off the trees. Brent, shivering, was alone on his walk back to the cabins. He was going to have a flashback. He knew, from the feeling in his chest, the darkness creeping into the edges of his vision, the faint sounds of wailing and accusation.

He had about five minutes, tops, until he disassociated completely. There was no point trying to stop it. That never worked. All past attempts at keeping himself in reality had failed, and that had been without extended exposure of fear-inducing powers. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try. Stay here, he told himself. He couldn’t disappear yet. At least not until he got home. 

It was a race against his mind, a mad scramble to hold onto the world around him. Had the cabins always been this far?

The panic came in earnest as he thudded up the porch; Brent nearly got lost on his way to her room. Her door, this hallway, was starting to disappear. Darker walls were taking its place— a dingy, gutted room of some warehouse in upstate New York. Stay here, Brent. Stay here. He knocked on her door. His mouth was filled with sand, but he managed a small “It’s me.” Macey was on the other side, and he was suddenly afraid of this, too. Of what he might find if she answered. 

The world was spinning.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seve—

Macey’s eyes shifted to her door instead of spotting her turn as she should have been. Her limbs came to a halt, but her brain kept swimming, feeling like someone had flushed a toilet inside of her, spinning, spinning. She stumbled and caught the wall, blinking her eyes back into focus.

The screams from the night still rang in her ears, mixing with Rosie’s cries as they sat on her bed together afterwards. And with Brent not answering any of her texts, she was anxious. Like there were little, electrified ants crawling around inside of her that she needed to shake out. So, she’d resorted to practicing turns and fouettés, over and over again, until she felt like throwing up or completely collapsing. But, a tiny voice at her door had caused the stumble. She would’ve missed it, if it wasn’t the voice she’d know anywhere.

She yanked the door open to find Brent standing there. The breath caught in her chest expelled in a sigh. But, not much felt relieved. His expression looked like the first time she’d gotten frozen yogurt; She’d mixed all the flavors together into one, tasteless mess. Too many things were happening at once that she couldn’t understand. But, she immediately knew that something wasn’t just wrong, something was terribly wrong. It was all in the way he carried himself, how he spoke. Everything looked off. It was as if Brent was trying to curl up inside of himself. Maybe anyone else wouldn’t have noticed, but to her it felt like a neon sign over his head.

“What happened?” Were the first words out of her mouth. She’d tried to sound calm, but the worry couldn’t keep itself from showing. When had her face turned into a frown of concern? Macey moved to the side to let him in.

[raelynnnix]

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

“I can’t pick just one thing,” he said, so plainly honest he seemed almost sober. “Okay, okay… Hmmm… I love… how powerful you are. And…” He tapped his finger against her nose. “I love the way your nose crinkles up when you laugh. Oh, and I have to mention how patient you are with me. And I think you’re very brave, and very cool, and very fashionable, which might not be much coming from the guy you had to buy a new wardrobe for.” Words slurring just enough to bleed into another, Brent leaned close so she could hear him better. “And, you’re an incredible dancer. I love watching you because you look so beautiful. Well, you always look beautiful, but when you dance I just like… I can’t look away. You’ve rubbed off on me and I think that’s… awesome. And I always feel like, lighter, when you’re with me.” He hummed, then gave her a quick peck on the lips. “I can keep going if you want.”

Macey didn’t know what kind of answer she was expecting. Something simple, maybe something silly. Definitely not the answer she was given. The words registered one by one, and by the end of it her heart felt like a balloon, expanding so much it was pressing against her ribcage. Her mouth wouldn’t form words, it just sat slightly open in surprise, a smile growing on her face. It was sudden and maybe a bit more intense than it would’ve been if she was sober, but, Macey reached out and pulled him in for a kiss, wrapping an arm around his neck. “I mean, I won’t stop you if you keep going, but if you have more things to ask me, go ahead.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Already missing her at his side, Brent pushed himself up and followed Macey to the drinks. He was sloppy as he poured the shot, and felt the familiar head rush as he quickly tilted the glass back. “We can fix that,” he said, picking up the shot glass and two bottles at random before walking back toward the bed. He settled back down, leaning against the headboard as carefully as he could manage— he didn’t feel any pain, but he suspected his senses were dulled. “Okay, my turn. Who in camp would you date, if you were single?”

Macey climbed over Brent onto the bed, taking up her spot beside him again. “You, duh.” She reached over for one of the bottles and took a sip of it, “You didn’t say I couldn’t pick you.” Macey tapped her fingers against her leg in some incoherent rhythm, thinking. She stared at the ceiling, “Lux, maybe? I guess? I don’t know. Maybe no one.” Her shrug was unsure, much like her face. Maybe she’d be a very different person, so who knows who’d she be with. A smile creeped back across her mouth at the thought of her next question. She rolled her head over to look at him, “What’s your favorite thing about me? Mentally? Physically? Both? Whatever, have a ball. Just tell me how great I am.” She joked.

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

He didn’t have a chance to slip into any sort of melancholy about his spine, because Macey’s lips were on his neck and he couldn’t focus on anything else. Brent hummed, looking thoughtful while the question hung in the air. He titled his head forward and gave her a quick peck on the lips, then leaned back and winked. “Fifty Shades of Grey,” he said, unable to keep a straight face. He giggled, kissing her again, this time on the cheek. “I’m kidding. I’ll take the shot.”

Macey’s eyes got concerned and wide for a fraction of a second. Thankfully, his laugh gave him away. “Oh, thank fucking god,” She breathed out, laughing along with him, “If you weren’t joking I was literally about to walk out of here.” Peeling herself off of him was more difficult than she’d anticipated—either by not wanting to or by the drinks she’d already taken—but, she managed and rolled off the bed, grabbing the bottle of wine for herself while he took a shot. “I don’t know why I put this all the way over here,” She sighed, as if it were all a big effort, “Making us have to get up when we’re perfectly comfortable.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

“I dunno, you might have been pretty spot on,” he said; the words were slurred, but so were Macey’s. Brent knew for a fact that he wouldn’t be able to think of a question with her hands there, so he searched blindly for his phone while maintaining eye contact. The other hand slipped down past the small of her back, his touch as teasing as hers. He found his phone and glanced at it, picking the first question he saw with a knowing smile. “What’s one thing you would change about our sex life?”

Macey laughed, her head collapsing onto his shoulder. They both already knew the answer to this question. She pressed a kiss to his neck, letting the words linger there, “Your back not being broken.” She moved up to his ear, taking her time trailing kisses along the way, “That kinda sucks and makes it impossible.” Sitting up again, Macey resumed her forehead against his, resting her free hand on his leg, “What’s one thing you’ve wanted to do or try but’ve been too chickenshit to ask me?” Her words were sloppier than normal, which she hoped came off more sultry than slurred, but, she couldn’t quite tell, “Now’s the time to ask, who knows if I’ll even remember it tomorrow.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Brent laughed along with her. “I know what face you’re talking about,” he said, putting his forehead against hers. “Uh…” he trailed off for a few seconds too long, “damn, this is harder than I thought,” he said sheepishly, “I uh, admittedly don’t really remember a whole lot of that, like, period of my life.” Brent finished his drink, wincing as he put it on the night stand. “I think you made a joke the first time we met, and I didn’t find it funny at all.” The memory floated to the surface, and he smiled fondly. “I don’t think I anticipated seeing a lot of you, honestly.”

Macey grinned, now that he’d said it, the memory came back in tiny pieces, “I’m pretty sure I told you your face would scare away little children.” Her eyes couldn’t find a spot to focus on, brain finally just the right amount of tipsy. Eyes, mouth, eyes, mouth again. “I guess we were both wrong.” She laughed. The thought was there: she could kiss him and the game could be over. But, this was not drunk, and she had promised drunk. Also, giving up wasn’t fun. Macey moved in closer, her arm slid around his waist, letting her fingers just lightly brush up underneath the hem of his shirt. She paused a fraction from his lips, “Okay, it’s your turn.”

[themaceyburke]

brent-vale:

Brent leaned down slightly so Macey could plant the kiss on his jaw, then turned his head and gave her another one. “Okay, I’m gonna cheat,” he said as he picked up his phone and started typing in a search. He skimmed the results briefly. “Ooh, I like this one. What went through your mind when you first saw me?”

“Fuck, when was the first time I saw you?” Being at camp for so long sometimes made the years blur together. “I think Julian just like, introduced you in passing one day when you were in the cabin? And...honestly...?” Macey shrunk down in her seat and curled into his side, the memories becoming more vivid—and also more embarrassing. “I kinda was like ‘wow, what’s his problem’ because you just looked sad and like, angry?” She let out a squeaky laugh, “You made that angry face a lot, where your eyebrows do the thing? They all smush together, riiight there.” Macey poked the space between his eyebrows for reference, “And I’m gonna cheat too and ask you the same question, but about me.”