Rediscovering my pen

collection of random thoughts and reflections

[themaoibaldonado]

Life has been good again.

Decided to go back to my roots—writing. Life has been tough for the past few months, but it has gotten good again. Going back to your roots means returning to the things, places, and people you used to love, ensuring that you find happiness once more. Cheers to what life has in store for us for the rest of the year!

[themaoibaldonado]

Late Night Thoughts

I cried last night.

I was exhausted, and physically drained from the day’s weight, but the moment my body surrendered to sleep, my mind refused to follow. Instead, it wandered back to places I thought I had long left behind. Memories I had buried—heartaches, disappointments, wounds I swore had healed—came rushing back, vivid and relentless. I lay there, helpless, as they played before my eyes like an old film I never wanted to rewatch. And so, I cried. I cried until there was nothing left in me until the silence swallowed the last of my tears.

I don’t know why this happened. Lately, I’ve been pulling away, retreating into solitude as if it could shield me from the world. I keep telling myself that I just want to sleep early, read a book, or binge-watch movies I used to love. But maybe I’m just hiding. Maybe I’m just trying to silence something within me that refuses to be ignored.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve come to embrace my introverted side more in adulthood. I think we all do, in a way. But even then, even in the comfort of my own company, loneliness still finds me. And I guess as we grow older, it finds us more often. I finally understand why people drown themselves in beer, why they chase the thrill of unfamiliar places, why they seek distractions that offer even the briefest escape. Because sometimes, life doesn’t wait for you to be ready. It just hits you. Hard. And the cruelest part? Even in moments when you should be happiest, it can make you feel like you’re at your lowest.

But if there’s anything I’ve come to understand, it’s this. The weight of the past doesn’t vanish overnight, and neither does the loneliness that sneaks in when everything turns quiet. Some nights will be heavy, and some days will feel like a blur, but even in those moments, you are still here. And that has to mean something. Maybe it’s not about always moving forward, but about holding on—finding reasons, however small, to stay, to grow, to make sense of it all in your own time.

Padayon.

[themaoibaldonado]

Triggers

What triggers you?

Mine? Hypocrisy — plain and simple.

It's the kind of person who goes on and on about how they hate being wronged, how they can’t stand when someone lies, betrays, or mistreats them, only to turn around and do the exact same thing without a shred of guilt. Do you even hear yourself?

It breaks something in you, doesn’t it? When someone you trusted, someone who claimed to value integrity, proves that they’re no better than the people they complain about. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, and maddening all at once.

I get it — being hurt messes with you. But just because someone wronged you doesn't give you a free pass to hurt others in return. That’s not justice; it’s just a cycle of pain. And honestly? It’s exhausting.

[themaoibaldonado]

Life's pleasures

Waking up in the province, greeted by the melody of birds flying around the house, sipping coffee as the sun gently warms your skin—it’s a feeling I had almost forgotten. Experiencing it again makes me realize how life’s simplest pleasures can bring the most profound peace and quiet.

As someone driven by ambition and pursuing goals, I often overlook the little things that bring me joy. Moving to the city, where everything moves at breakneck speed, made me forget what I truly long for—moments of tranquility. In a world so chaotic, peace of mind has become a luxury. If you ever have the chance to find it, hold on to it.

Sometimes, we get so consumed by the race to achieve more that we lose sight of what truly matters. In those rare, quiet moments—the sound of the wind rustling through the trees, the warmth of a loved one’s laughter, or the simplicity of just being present—we’re reminded of what we need to feel whole. Life’s pleasures aren’t always grand; they’re often found in the ordinary, waiting for us to slow down and notice them.

[themaoibaldonado]

Pagmamahalan at Bukluran

Setyembre 8, 2024 - Isang Araw ng Pagmamahalan at Pagbubukluran.

Taon-taon na lang, sa tuwing may proseso ng Gawad, parati akong hindi nakakadalo ng Bukluran. Parating nagkakataon na may sakit ako kapag ginaganap ito. Simula pa noong unang taon ng paglilingkod ng aming batch, hindi ko pa nagawang makadalo. Sa mga kwento na lang ako nakakasagap ng mga kaganapan. Parati kong naririnig na maraming palaro ng lahi ang ginagawa. Sabi ko pa noon, wala naman akong masyadong namimiss dahil lahat ng iyon ay nagawa ko na rin sa aking buhay.

Hindi ko na sana dadaluhan ang gawain ng Gawad dahil hindi maganda ang aking pakiramdam noong mga nakaraang araw. Noong dumating ang Sabado, mas nabalot lang ako ng kalungkutan kaya mas pinili kong magpahinga at wag nang mag-isip ng kung anu pa man. Ngunit, pinilit ko pa rin ang sarili kong dumalo. Nagtiwala ako sa proseso, at naniwala na kapag ako'y dumalo at nakibahagi, magiging masaya ako. Makakalimutan ko ng panandalian ang aking mga pinagdadaanan at makakapagpahinga.

Sa umaga pa lang, puno na kami ng gawain. Laro dito, laro doon. Cheer dito, cheer doon. Sumakit na ang katawan ko sa walang humpay na paglalaro. Nawala na rin ang boses ko sa walang tigil na pag-cheer para sa aming grupo. At sa bawat kwentuhan, bawat tawanan, naramdaman ko ang saya. Ganun naman parati kapag nasa Gawad ka. Hindi man kayo parating nagkikita o nag-uusap, may pamilya kang babalikan—buong puso at bukas kamay kang tatanggapin at bibigyan ng yakap, lalo na sa panahon na kailangang-kailangan mo.

Ngunit ang pinakanagustuhan ko at pinasasalamatan ko, ay walang nagbanggit sa akin kung ano ang nangyari matapos ang araw ng Bukluran. Hindi ko lubos akalain na sa simpleng papel na ibibigay sa iyo ay tutulo ang luha mo. Sa simpleng papel na iaabot sa iyo, makakakuha ka ng kakampi, mararamdaman mo ang pagmamahal. Ang damdaming ito ay napakatindi—ang pakiramdam na may mga taong nagmamahal sa akin kahit na minsan ay dumarating sa puntong hindi ko na mahal ang sarili ko.

Salamat sa pag-appreciate sa mga bagay na ginagawa ko. Salamat na kahit sa simpleng pagngiti ko ay na-appreciate ninyo iyon. Sa Gawad, natutunan kong may mga taong magpaparamdam sa iyo na mahalaga ka. Na ikaw, na minsan kinukwestyon ang katayuan mo sa buhay, ay pwede palang maging inspirasyon sa iba, maging idolo, at mahalin pa rin.

Sa bawat taon ng aking pagdalo sa Gawad, natutunan kong parating magtitiwala sa proseso nito. Parating babalikan ang tahanan ng Gawad. Parating mamahalin ang mga kapatid na kasama rito.

Salamat. Patawad. Mahal ko kayo.

[themaoibaldonado]

Busy Streets

My present workplace is only a short distance from my flat, so I often choose to walk to and from the office. As I enjoyed life in the city, I noticed the vivid tapestry of people from all walks of life.

There are those like me, who serve in government offices, navigating the complexities of bureaucracy. Parents, rushing with purpose, guide their sons and daughters to school, their love and care evident in every hurried step. Teachers, burdened with stacks of educational materials in one hand and laptops in the other, march with determination to shape the minds of the next generation. Enforcers, clad in uniforms of authority, strive to maintain order amidst the chaos, making our daily commutes bearable. Students, weary from nights of little to no sleep, chase their dreams with a relentless passion that defies exhaustion. And so many others, each with their own story, their own struggles, and their own hopes.

As I continue my walk, a startling understanding dawns on me: we are all connected by the human experience. Each morning, as we open our eyes and sip our first cup of coffee, we enter a world where survival is a collaborative effort. In the middle of life's overwhelming stress, we all seek that brief, elusive moment of calm that makes the journey worthwhile. Even at the darkest times of our lives, there is a light within us that leads us, a beacon of hope we carry with us.

These streets, teeming with life and stories, don’t just make you reflect—they remind you that you’re never truly alone. We are all connected, and in that connection lies the strength to keep moving forward.

[themaoibaldonado]

Lost in the city

Growing up in the quiet embrace of the province, the thought of venturing into the city stirred a whirlwind of emotions within me. Since 2015, for nine long years, Los Baños became both my sanctuary and my battleground—nurturing my studies and shaping my professional life. But as time passed, a restlessness began to fester within me. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was destined for more, that the world had so much to offer beyond the familiar streets I had come to know.

In a moment of clarity, I realized that the only way to break free from this self-imposed cage was to take risks, to leap into the unknown and trust that the journey would lead me to places beyond my wildest dreams. The city, with all its chaos and challenges, was my proving ground. I knew that stepping out of my comfort zone would be terrifying, but I also knew that fear was the price of growth. You don’t have to know everything; sometimes, you just have to dive in, embrace the uncertainty, and let the experience shape you.

Even though I feel lost in the sprawling labyrinth of the city, I am convinced that this chapter will be the most exhilarating yet. This is the season where I will discover who I truly am, and I will emerge stronger, wiser, and ready to conquer whatever lies ahead.

[themaoibaldonado]

Tears of Triumph

How can something born from a disaster be so breathtakingly beautiful?

For years, I've always wondered why people refer to Mt. Pinatubo as a "beautiful disaster", and I never truly grasped its meaning—until now. As I stood on its summit, the landscape unfolded before me like a masterpiece painted by nature’s own hand, and in that instant, I understood.

The sheer magnificence of it all took my breath away, leaving me with tears streaming down my face. This moment, this view, was something I had longed for with every fiber of my being, and yet, the reality was far more powerful, more raw, than anything I could have ever conjured from the pages of a book or the pixels of a photograph. To witness it with my own eyes was beyond words—don’t you agree?

The phrase, "malayo pa, pero malayo na," reverberated through my mind, a bittersweet echo of a journey that has taken me farther than I ever imagined, both physically and emotionally.

This journey to Mt. Pinatubo, this breathtaking view, came at the end of a road paved with heartbreaks, disappointments, and crushing frustrations. Yet, through every storm, I kept moving forward, clinging to the faint glimmers of hope that life offered me. And now, standing here, I am engulfed by an overwhelming sense of joy—joy that seeps into every corner of my soul, healing the wounds of the past.

But perhaps what makes this moment even more precious is the bond it has rekindled with my Two Kuyas. Despite the years and miles that have separated us, this experience has brought us back together in a way that fills my heart with indescribable warmth. To share this with them is a gift I will cherish forever.

Life is a series of disasters, some that leave us broken, and others that shape us into something new, something beautiful. If we keep our heads held high, if we press on through the storm, we will find the rainbow that awaits us on the other side. And today, in this moment, I am more grateful than words can express.

[themaoibaldonado]

Pagbalik ng Liwanag, Pagbalik sa Tahanan

Sa buhay natin sa mundo, may mga pagkakataong kinakailangan nating timbangin ang mga bagay-bagay, kailangang unahin ang sarili para sa mas malalim na pangarap. Kadalasan, kinakailangan nating lumisan upang bigyang daan ang mga pagkakataon para sa sarili, sa pamilya, at sa bayan.

Humigit-kumulang anim na taon ang lumipas bago ako muling nakabalik sa tahanan na minsan nang kumupkop sa akin—ang Tahanan ng mga Namumukod-Tangi. Sa dami ng dapat kong unahin at sa lawak ng mga pangarap na nais kong maisakatuparan, pinili ko munang ituon ang aking pansin sa aking sarili. Hindi ito nangangahulugang iniwan ko ang samahan, dahil kahit saan man ako magpunta ay tangan-tangan ko ang mga aral. Ngunit, hindi ako nakabalik dahil mas marami akong dapat unahin.

Sa pagpasok pa lamang ng taon na ito, sinubok na ang aking katatagan. Dumating ako sa puntong akala ko ay hindi ko na kakayanin. Sobrang nadurog ang puso ko—nawasak, nasaktan. Inakala ko na hindi na ako magmamahal muli. Napunta ako sa pinakamahirap at pinakamadilim na bahagi ng aking buhay, at di ko alam ang gagawin; nawala ang liwanag na AKO.

Subalit, sa di inaasahang pagkakataon, nakita ko muli ang Liwanag. Liwanag na nagbigay daan upang mapawi ang kalungkutan; liwanag na naging gabay pabalik sa tahanan; at liwanag na nagligtas sa akin sa pagkakalunod sa mga emosyon na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

Salamat sa pagkakataong makapaglingkod muli. Salamat sa pagpapahalaga sa akin bilang isang Kuya sa organisasyon. Salamat sa pagbibigay-daan upang muling makilala ang namumukod-tanging AKO. Ngumiti muli ako, nanabik ng muli, at napuno ng pag-ibig ang aking puso.

Gaya ng liriko sa aking paboritong kanta ng samahan:

"Kailanman sa iyong lilim, ako ay babalik, Pagkat hiwaga mo kahit saan ay hahanap-hanapin, Ikaw ang saksi sa aking pagkatao, Sa kanlungan mo nahubog ang isang ako."

Kahit gaano ka pa katagal nawala, kahit gaano katagal na panahon pa ang lumipas, muli't muli, lagi't lagi kang babalik sa tahanan na iyong minahal.

Salamat sa inyo. Patawad sa mga pagkukulang ko. Mahal ko kayo.

[themaoibaldonado]

From Almost to Achievement

I always remind myself: be the person who still tries.

Even after enduring countless failures, crushing disappointments, heart-wrenching heartaches, and soul-draining exhaustion, be the one who never gives up, who always tries. Muster the courage to confront a world overflowing with challenges, holding onto the belief that every attempt can pave the way for a new and brighter outcome.

Since the day I decided to seek new job opportunities, I've often found myself on the brink of success, only to be "almost" chosen. Yet, I am profoundly grateful for those near-misses. They taught me that every setback is a lesson in disguise, a steppingstone leading to something far greater. And now, at long last, that moment has arrived!

I want to give myself a heartfelt pat on the back for this promotion. I still can't fathom that this is truly happening; it feels like a dream. I am overwhelmed by a tumultuous mix of fear and excitement. Fear, because for the first time in years, I am venturing beyond my comfort zone. Excitement, because the future holds limitless possibilities.

I realized, there is something profoundly powerful about the word "yet." When you find peace with it, you remain hopeful that one day you will reach your destination. And when that day comes, you will pour your heart and soul into making the most of it. I'm glad I found it.

[themaoibaldonado]

Embracing Life's Unexpected Glimmers

I often declare during interviews, and whenever the opportunity arises, that I am someone who values small victories and little glimmers. These seemingly minor triumphs lay the foundation for the grandest successes we have yet to achieve in life.

This weekend, we were set to conquer Mt. Pinatubo, but relentless rain cascaded down, forcing the agency to cancel our eagerly awaited expedition. A wave of sadness washed over me; I had been yearning for this adventure for two long weeks. Yet, I found comfort in gratitude, recognizing that our safety was paramount.

Despite missing out on Pinatubo, I found myself basking in the week's small blessings. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for completing my tasks, savoring delicious meals, and even for the rain that nourished our plants and soil.

Most significantly, I am deeply thankful for the precious time spent with my Two Kuyas. We immersed ourselves in the sea of nostalgia, reminiscing about the vibrant years of 2015-2016, and shared our loftiest dreams and deepest inspirations. As someone who revels in life's profound conversations, I cherished every moment. They even took me to BGC for the first time, an experience I had unknowingly postponed for years. For that, I hold them in even higher regard and am eternally grateful for the time they chose to spend with me.

Life often deviates from our meticulously crafted plans, but even in those moments of unforeseen change, we must give thanks for the unexpected glimmers. These fleeting instances of gratitude illuminate our lives, bringing a sense of joy and contentment that enriches our very existence.

[themaoibaldonado]

Reflections amidst the storm

Today, as I cradle a warm cup of coffee in my hands, I am grateful for its comforting presence on this turbulent morning. The suspension of work due to the relentless weather grants me a moment of pause, and I find solace in the fact that the rain has finally ceased. Beneath this veneer of tranquility, a storm brews within me.

My heart aches for those caught in the typhoon's merciless grip. I pray fervently for their safety, envisioning the faces of the homeless and the stray animals, desperately seeking refuge from the relentless downpour. I hope they find shelter, warmth, and a moment of peace amidst the chaos. To those wading through the rising floodwaters, may a sense of calm and reassurance find them.

Filipinos are renowned for their resilience, their indomitable spirit in the face of adversity. But now, more than ever, we must demand accountability from our leaders. This is not a time for fleeting, band-aid solutions. Our future hinges on sustainable, long-term projects that address the root causes of our vulnerability.

The events unfolding today cast long shadows over the days to come. As we look ahead to the time when we must choose new leaders, let us be discerning. May we elect those who will serve with integrity, prioritize the welfare of the people, and have the vision to create lasting change. Our choices today will shape the future, and I sincerely hope we choose leaders who will honor their commitment to the people above all else.

[themaoibaldonado]

Gloomy Tuesday

I always have a love-hate relationship with the rain.

When I was little, I adored rainy days. The heavy downpour meant no school, just leisurely mornings with breakfast and my favorite cartoons. Weekends were pure joy, running through the rain with my cousins, playing as if the world belonged to us.

But as I grew older, my feelings changed. In college, and sometimes even now, the sight of rain fills me with dread. Every relentless drop reminds me of the leak in our roof, the water trickling into our bedroom, and the flood that follows. That one typhoon that destroyed our house changed our lives forever. I often find myself apologizing to my 15-year-old self, who dreamed of owning a home by the age of 25. That dream feels so distant now.

Yet, amid this struggle, there is hope. Inch by inch, I've made progress—repairing the roof, ensuring the pavement is sound. It’s slow, but every little step forward is still a step forward. Don't you think?

Even on this gloomy Tuesday, I count my small victories. I’m grateful for the gift of life, for the warmth of morning coffee, for the roof over our heads, and for the enduring relationships that give me strength. These are the things that make me resilient, that keep me going, despite the storms.

[themaoibaldonado]

Uncrushing someone

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of unexpected joy, all because of one person. I never anticipated that someone who isn’t my age could capture my heart so completely. Although I only seek friendship, my heart can’t help but wonder about the tantalizing possibility of a relationship.

Since high school, I’ve had this burning need to confess my feelings to my crushes. The moment I lay bare my heart, something within me releases, allowing me to move on. And that’s exactly what happened with this person. After confessing, I realized it was best for us to remain friends. In doing so, we can share our lives with each other--- without the shadow of awkwardness. He didn’t turn me down; instead, agreed that we would remain friends and expressed gratitude for my confession. For this, I am deeply grateful to this person.

Yet, those fleeting moments and shared smiles over the past few weeks have filled my heart with an indescribable happiness. I’m profoundly grateful for the connection we’ve built through our interactions. I really am.

Uncrushing someone means embracing the courage to open myself up to new possibilities and healthier connections. It’s a bittersweet journey, but one that I believe will lead to even greater joys.