Melancholic Ramblings

[phobias]

do you ever realise just how lonely you actually are 

[themelancholicramblings]

I fail at literally everything.

[themelancholicramblings]

It's too late and I shouldn't be thinking about stuff like this this late at night, but that's my fault of course. I am incessantly worried about not living up to my potential. And maybe not even my potential  but that potential that everyone seems to think I have. But I should be getting closer to something, I should be more sure of what's next,  but whatever I write is more elusive and less sure of myself, and I know that's important and that I don't always have to be sure of myself, getting lost is important maybe even essential

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-Nine

I just want someone to make me feel warm.

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-Eight

I used to think it meant something when you texted me drunk that I was the one you thought of, when your consciousness was least inclined so that only the thing you thought about when you weren't thinking about anything was me and somehow that sweetness negated the drunkenness

Now I'm just inclined to believe that drinking made you horny

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-seven

we haven't talked in so long that my phone has deleted all our texts and facebook has pushed you to the bottom of the list  but every time I see you're online or think of something that would make you laugh or more commonly, frustrate you, it takes all my self-control to not send that one message

And I know that's a good thing. I just wish I didn't have to think so hard about it.

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-Six

It's been making me mad how lonely I feel recently, I really just want to be in a relationship,  but I've always really been an advocate  of the idea that another doesn't make you any more whole, you do that yourself,

But really I just want someone to laugh with me and hold my hand and take naps with me  and watch movies with me and text me whenever I want someone to talk to

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-Five

I've finally reached the point where I don't want to talk to him anymore. He finally pushed me so much that I am just done. And I feel really good about it.

[themelancholicramblings]

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-five

I miss him and I know I need to let him go.

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-four

He's moving to the other side of the country today And I know I'm not broken up about it, but part of me wishes that I had a reason to be.

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-three

I miss that horny asshole

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-two

ah 

he got too pushy

that fixed the sad missing him feelings

thank you

but he was drunk,

probably,

so I'm not sure if it counts

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty-one

Fuck

Why did he have to move 8 hours away 

from me

[themelancholicramblings]

Forty

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!

[themelancholicramblings]

Thirty-nine

I had a dream last night

that he was being sweet and kind

and he held my hand and played with my fingers

and I rubbed the scruff on his face before kissing him. 

If only he was like that outside of my dreams.

[themelancholicramblings]

Thirty-Eight

I'm running out of tea and tampons

This is not a good combination