half-sick of shadows.

[absentpublic]

𝙰𝙱𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙿𝚄𝙱𝙻𝙸𝙲. i will try to forgive myself for: being absent in public, & bored before stars; for not remembering; for not being in my body; for not starting right now. i will try to see myself as i am. private & selective fandomless rp blog. blog made 07/2024. character created 03/2014. by sawyer. (she / they, 25).

carrd. playlist. pinterest. prompts.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FOR NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION *  adjust as necessary, send 'reverse' for the reversal of the prompt

[ encourage ] sender supports receiver with pats on their shoulders and a big, encouraging smile

[ silence ] sender lays a finger over their lips, telling receiver to stay quiet

[ stop ] sender holds their palm out facing receiver, stopping them in their tracks

[ affectionate ] sender plays with receiver's hair

[ braid ] sender begins to braid receiver's hair

[ i love you ] sender signs I LOVE YOU to receiver

[ go away ] sender gives receiver's shoulder a shove, trying to make them walk away or go into another room

[ slam ] pent up with frustration, sender leaves receiver and slams the door behind them as they exit

[ knock ] sender is here to see receiver and knocks playfully on their door to indicate they've arrived

[ wipe ] seeing receiver cry, sender reaches out and wipes their tears away (with their fingers or with a tissue)

[ secret ] making sure no one sees, sender secretly takes receiver's hand under a table and laces their fingers

[ squeeze ] sender reassures receiver in a dangerous situation by squeezing their hand

[ sleepy kiss ] while receiver is sleeping (or pretending to be asleep), sender approaches them and places a soft kiss on their forehead

[ hospital ] receiver is in the hospital, and sender sits in a chair by their bedside all through the night and holds their hand

[ celebrate ] receiver accomplishes something amazing, so sender rushes into receiver's arms and jumps up and down, eager to celebrate their victory

[ food ] sender brings receiver their favorite dish to cheer them up

[ glass ] sender and receiver are separated by glass. sender draws a heart on the glass with their finger for receiver to see

[ rest ] sender lays their head on receiver's shoulder and falls asleep there

[ expect ] sender sticks out a hand, palm up, waiting for receiver to give them the item they want

[ pillow ] sender playfully tosses a pillow at receiver, starting a pillowfight

[ sob ] sender rushes into receiver's arms and breaks down in their embrace, hiding their tears in receiver's chest

[ offer ] sender is cooking for receiver and offers out a spoon for receiver to sample a taste

[ love note ] sender passes receiver a romantic note in secret

[ close the distance ] sender and receiver are seated together, and sender moves closer to snuggle with them

[ montage ] receiver tries on clothes, and sender either approves or disapproves of each outfit with a nod or a shake of their head

[ stare ] while receiver gazes out a window, sender comes up from behind and embraces them

[ dance ] sender approaches receiver and starts dancing with them, positioning their hands for them

[ paint ] while sender and receiver paint together, sender smears a little paint on receiver's face to make them laugh

[ funny ] sender makes an assortment of funny faces to try and make receiver laugh

[ flowers ] sender leaves a bouquet of flowers for receiver to find

[ catch ] sender catches receiver's eye across a room and winks at them

[ refuse ] sender is upset with receiver and pushes away from their hug

[ get out ] sender points at the door, demanding receiver leave

[ snuggle ] sender lays down beside receiver and curls up against their body, quickly falling asleep

[ smooch ] sender takes receiver's face in their hands and guides them in for a romantic kiss

[ fix ] sender approaches receiver and fixes a piece of clothing or jewelry on their person

[ reach ] sender desperately reaches out to receiver with both arms extended, pleading for a hug

[absentpublic]

what kind of summer are you?

------ camping trip.

defined by early mornings, spotting wild animals in the bush, & toasted marshmallows. you're the kind of summer that's full of waking with the sun, listening to the birds chatter in the trees, & campfire smoke in your lungs. you enjoy time spent outside more than most, & you love pointing out birds to whoever will listen to you. you're calm & composed, but still joyful & excited by what life has to offer; you know life doesn't have to be fast to be fun.

[brokenfist]

" you didn't answer me.. " trailed off, saddened tone. there's those pathetic, pleading puppy dog eyes on full display as you wish she'd look at you and not whatever she's doing (probably trying to fix you up again). " my head is fine.. it, uh.. i-i didn't.. i just.. " you feel a bit frustrated. " you don't want to kiss me? "

[absentpublic]

oh. maybe he did mean it. or perhaps thinks you're someone else. you stop, face bright, & look at him wide-eyed. oh, don't look like that! you'll get all guilty & awkward. "th - that -- s'n-not --" if you blush any harder, your head may catch fire. "i j -- i jus-st -- um." mayday! mayday! you're drowning! "y-you d - don-n' r-reall-ly w-want to ... to kiss me. you ... y-you'r-re jus-st ... con - conc-cuss-ssed." stated as fact.

[absentpublic]

if i had a nickel for every time nettie thought someone who was being sweet/affectionate to her was concussed, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but why the hell did it happen twice

[arvinran]

" — i guess not, " he exhales with a plume of smoke. goes one of two ways for him: either smoothed over by sipping whiskey or stays tacked to his mind like gum on a shoe. the latter ends with stirring up trouble. he's learned a fist to his teeth makes a damn good distraction. hard to focus on a thought that's pinballing around his head. but that ain't no advice for a lady. he ashes the cigarette. " alright, suit yourself. but if ya change your mind, just ask. "

[absentpublic]

the warped fingers that keep bothering her adjust the oversized glasses on her face, a toothy half-smile at his guess not. some folks might double down on their initial idea. "i-i, um -- '-p-prec-ciate it, r-real - really, i kn-now they ... they'r-re ki - kin-nda exp-pensive." were she not terribly asthmatic, she likely would take the offer even though she doesn't smoke. call it an overabundance of manners. "it -- i-it's s - s-sill-ly, really. 'c-cause i. um. c-can-n't re - rem-mem-mber wh - what h-happ - pened." a pause. "s-sorr-ry, th - that -- s'n-not -- imp-port-tant." she shakes her head, trying to dispel the embarrassment warming her face. it doesn't work.

[absentpublic]

@brokenfist: "You deserve to be protected." / accepting.

you had hoped he'd forgotten you. been so busy being some rich & important person that you, a little wren on a willow branch, might have vanished from his memory. everett mallory, a looming shadow who used to lurk & take pictures & steal from you. but he hadn't, it'd seem, forgotten. even reached into your space to fiddle with the necklace he'd held for ransom before. you didn't do anything -- simply froze. like a prey animal. & isn't that what you are? prey? a little fawn in the jaws of a wolf?

now, after he's finally left, you stand small, folded in like an umbrella, ashamed that you'd needed any sort of rescue. "y-you -- uh. th - than-nk you -- y-y' di - didn-n't have ... have t-to --" you disagree with the assertion of something you deserve. your ears burn, face flushing. "i-it's -- i ... i'm f-fine." liar.

[absentpublic]

@brokenfist: you don’t want to be seen with me. / accepting.

brows pinch. head tilts. mother's always concerned with appearances. says you're an embarrassment, bid you to hide up in your attic when you still lived with her. you blink. "wh - why ... not ... ?"

[absentpublic]

@brokenfist: [ tuck ] sender stares at receiver and quietly reaches up, tucking a fallen strand of hair behind receiver's ear / accepting.

he doesn't take care of himself the way you think he ought. granted, you're nowhere near the paradigm of self care. so you bustle around the little kitchen of your cramped apartment, cooking something simple that can easily be reheated. focus is so tunneled, you hardly notice the curls that have freed themselves from where you'd pinned them up. the sensation of fingers that are not your own stop you in your tracks, however, as one of those curls is pushed behind your ear. (there's a split second of a memory of someone else, a bad someone else, but you know that he's not here.) cheeks flush. "o-oh, um -- um. th - than-nks. it -- i -- um. yeah."

[arvinran]

@absentpublic : thinking about it makes me sick.

she's preachin' to the damn choir. he looks at her, understanding, but says " quit thinkin' about it then. " 'cause that's the best advice he's got. he ain't talking a mean way... just matter-of-factual. he pulls a cigarette from his pocket. " — ain't doin' you no good. you smoke? " that nicotine buzz works wonders for getting his mind off things. he offers the half-pack to her. least he's trying to be nice.

[absentpublic]

the trouble is that she also doesn't really remember. but whether she remembers what happened or not, she can't help wondering every time she feels the sandy & scarred texture of her fingertips. "is -- i-is it ... th - that eas-sy ... ?" a soft huh sound, sort of impressed. if only it were so easy for her. she shakes her head at the offer of a cigarette. "n-no, th - than-nk you." it's a kind gesture that isn't lost on her -- those things aren't cheap.

[brokenfist]

open.

" i'm not bleeding, " you say, absolutely bleeding. then a sliver of a grin, ghost-like upon your face. " wanna kiss? " definitely the blood loss talking.

[absentpublic]

clearly, he's hit his head. maybe even concussed, you think. therefore, you do not look directly at him as you rifle through your first-aid kit, half-panicked. at least he's talking. & coherent, too, though only in the most surface level sense. "y-you -- you a-are, & i th - i th-thin-nk you ... hit. um. h-hit your head." he'd never say that if in his right mind, you figure.

[coyotesresources]

the  intimacy  of  hands.

[ win ]  –  for the sender’s muse to place a hand on the receiver’s neck and rest their forehead against the receiver’s own for a close congrats or excitement at something. [ brush ]  –  for the sender’s muse to give the receiver’s muse a passing touch along the shoulder’s / back as they walk by. [ hold ]  –  for the sender’s muse to hold the receiver’s muse by the face / neck gently and brush their thumbs along their cheeks to get them to focus on them. [ passing confidence ]  –  for the sender’s muse brush their finger’s against the receiver’s muse’s hand, too scared to hold their hand. [ intertwine ]  –  for the sender’s muse to intertwine their finger’s the receiver’s muse and kiss the back of their hand. [ intertwine & kiss ]  –  for the sender’s muse to intertwine their finger’s the receiver’s muse and kiss the back of their hand. [ intertwine & hold ]  –  for the sender’s muse to intertwine their finger’s the receiver’s muse and hold them during an emotional moment to reassure them. [ wrap ]  –  for the sender’s muse to casually wrap their arms around the receiver’s neck and lean on their shoulder from behind. [ palm kiss ]  –  for the sender’s muse to kiss the palm of receiver’s hand. [ hand kiss ]  –  for the sender’s muse to kiss the back of the receiver’s hand. [ lay ]  –  for the sender’s muse to lay next to the receiver and lay their hand in the receiver muses’ hand. [ reassure ]  –  for the sender’s muse to place their hand over the receiver’s in a moment of stress and squeeze reassuringly. [ squeeze ]  –  for the sender’s muse to place their hands on the receiver’s shoulders from behind, and offer a reassuring / affirming squeeze before moving on. [ pluck ]  –  for the sender to pluck a foreign object ( twig / leaf / etc. ) out of the receiver muses’ hair. [ play ]  –  for the sender’s muse to run their hand up the receiver’s shoulder and play with the hair at the base of their neck as a means of comfort. [ rub ]  –  for the sender muse to rub up and down the receiver’s back / shoulder as a means of comfort. [ shoulder ]  –  for the sender’s muse to place a hand on the receiver’s shoulder to comfort them, or stop them. [ hug ]  –  for the sender’s muse to drag the receiver’s muse into a tight hug by the back of the neck, and play with their hair at the base of their neck in order to comfort them. [ shock ]  –  for the sender to recoil a bit in shock at how quick the receiver latches onto them in a moment of high emotion, before returning the affections. [ cup ]  –  for the sender’s muse to cup the receiver’s face, and brush their thumb along the receiver’s cheek. [ hair ]  –  for the sender to brush a strand of hair out of the receiver’s face. [ hair & lean ]  –  for the sender to brush a strand of hair out of the face, and lean in slowly for a kiss. [ cup & kiss ]  –  for the sender’s muse to cup the receiver muses’ face during an incredibly passionate and long overdue kiss. [ what a rush ]  –  for the long long overdue kiss to end, only for the sender to rest their head on the receiver’s, and comment “do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” [ no tears ]  –  for the sender to cup the receiver’s face and brush away their tears with their thumbs. [ no tears & kiss ]  –  for the sender to cup the receiver’s face and brush away their tears with their thumbs & kiss the receiver’s forehead. [ stumble ]  –  for the sender’s muse to catch and help the receiver’s muse keep balance. [ shudder ]  –  for the sender to shudder a little at some gentle touch from the receiver. [ nononono! ]  –  for the sender to hold the receiver’s head / face while they’re injured, brush their thumb along their cheeks & refuse to accept that the receiver is dying. [ acceptance ]  –  for the sender & receiver to sit / lay somewhere in acceptance of their ends together. in a final act of closeness, the sender places their hand in the receiver’s own.

[ prompt ] + reverse  –  to reverse any of the prompts !

[absentpublic]

full offense but nettie will call your muse whatever it is they introduce themselves as. if they seem more formal / authoritative, it will almost invariably be [prefix] [surname]. if they are not so formal / she is closer to them, it will be the full first name or however they introduced themself as. if someone has a preferred nickname, it must be clearly stated & insisted upon. it's partly a habit of over politeness, part to keep the distance she assumes is preferred of her. you have to tell her you want her around at all.

[cur4tor]

she seems to get nervous about her words, but kit knows exactly what she means. he takes a moment to clear the counter before walking over to her, keeping his distance only because he doesn't want her to get overwhelmed in what she already deems a safe space. 'sí, i understand,' hands clasp behind his back, kit taking a moment to glance over his relics. each one has their own story, their own life, their own journey. that's why him and his mother had loved them so much. kit continues to feel some sort of pull to them, even now. 'their past is still with them, but i like to think i've washed them clean of their woes and sorrows,' eyes crinkle a bit as he smiles down at the woman. 'they'll always have their memories, but they can let go of them here, just like we can. does that make sense?'

[absentpublic]

what he says does make sense. more sense than would come from her words, anyway. besides, the feather-footed girl has to continue to tiptoe around what she really means -- whether by charm or by luck, none of the inventory of his charming shop is haunted. or, at least, she hasn't seen them yet. "y-yes, yes, i -- y-you art - art-t-tic-culate it ... better. than ... th-than i could." it isn't just her impediment that hinders her clarity -- she isn't sure how to frame what she means in a way that doesn't sound mad. "th - they ... res-st. right?"

[heliosphage]

Well, rest assured, what's 'just' for her is most definitely heavenly for him! He means it! If you can maccify a paid mortgage, this is how it'd taste.

And, yeah, he's read to filth. Annette of the botany aisle (she seems to loiter there pretty frequently) may think him in a flow state of sorts, but in truth, he's very stressed, exceedingly cooked, and is a bundle of carbon. In short, instead of a flow state, he's the immeasurably less chill state of compression, and unfortunately, he's not the diamonds to show for it and a very stiff back. "Yeah. You know." He almost snorts. Blinders. Grace mimics her idly, rotating 'open' with his wrist, and tilts his bowl in his other hand. "Just, there's so much happening right now. If we're going to start asking the real questions, then I've gotta warn you, I couldn't even tell you where the zoning out begins." And he won't go further. Unless she asks. In truth, Grace, now properly standing, is unfathomably fascinated in his save-humanity-from-the-sixth-extinction-event research, but something tells him that talking of the fast expiring sun would make a very poor 'thanks' to the woman who fed you. "So, just another Friday night with...was it Poe you guys are reading in book club these days? Should I be worried?" Is everything about death these days?!

[absentpublic]

so much happening. the understatement of the millennia. the sun is dying. sort of an inevitability, to some extent. everything dies, eventually. people. plants. animals. celestial bodies. ideas. it's a fact most people like to deny, but simultaneously a fact she cannot ignore. the idea of the mass extinction of humanity is sort of ... comforting, in a sick & twisted way she'd never admit aloud. annette has always expected to die alone at the hands of something immaterial that no one else could pinpoint. at least, if the whole planet goes, she won't be alone. nor will she be forgotten, as there will be no one at all to forget. or perhaps it's the other way around, since no one will be there to remember. either way, she certainly can't do much about it.

ah! yes. masque of the red death. a sharp critique of how the rich see themselves as untouchable, immortal even, & how that arrogance allows death itself to slip a silent knife between the ribs. weirdly topical. "ah -- y-yes. poe. a s-sad -- tr - trag-gic man, r-real - really. but ... l-lots of ... of cr - creat-tives are." isn't everything? what is that homeric notion again, about everything being lovely because it is destined to end poorly? it likely seems an utterly grim outlook, but only if you let it be. flowers are commonly called beautiful. you could crush them with one hand. "i -- i-i'v-ve b-been r-read - read-ding ... um. cant-terb-b-bur-ry t-tale - tales. got a ... a c-cop-py with th-the ... um. m-midd-dle en-nglish & th-the mod-dern --" she gestures that the original text is on the left, & the modern translation is on the right. the small librarian likes to find the words that haven't changed. wonders if she could understand someone reading the more primal language out loud. sort of compresses the past five hundred years to a small, bite-sized distance. "s'n-neat."

[absentpublic]

ok ok i will Try to write tomorrow but one last thing. nettie who is so careful not to touch people (she thinks they'll be angry) falling asleep v lightly on ur muse's shoulder ok thank u bye

[absentpublic]

nettie with her empty stares while she's thinking Too Much & Spiraling. peeling at the skin on her bottom lip absently till it bleeds. restless, fidgety fingers with torn-up cuticles from her nervous & mindless habits. nettie with her crooked wire glasses that fall down to the end of her nose. she's so normal you guys, soooo normal

[absentpublic]

sort of related: nettie who is having a Terrible Time but, upon seeing someone else needing any kind of help, utterly dissociates from her own problems to help them. she might be unable to bring herself to speak, she might be actively injured, but that's not important it's never been important. sure her nightmares are bleeding into her waking world. sure it hurts to ignore. nettie who never learned to secure her own mask before assisting others. nettie who would rather eat hot coals than ask anyone to help or even care. she's fine <3