My Rogue, Ladies and Gentlemen

What happens when I play Dungeons and Dragons with my friends

[themindofaheavilyconcussedwizard]

Whoops

DM: Okay, so there’s a hallway leading to the room you’re headed to. It’s dimly lit, and the walls are hidden in shadows. Druid: Might I recommend caution? Wizard: Probably smart. Someone has to scout ahead. [Monk], you’re good at being sneaky, how about you check it out? The one playing the monk doesn’t respond, only holds in sniggers. Quietly, the DM: She snuck away half an hour ago The party: WHAT?! The monk: *shows us the timer on her phone* I wasn’t in the initiative order for BOTH ENCOUNTERS AND YOU DIDN’T NOTICE. About five minutes later we’re investigating a trapped room. We found out (ahem, the rouge has poor impulse control) that if a lever is pulled spikes spring out of the floor and ceiling. (This was discovered while the rest of the party was still in the room. Hey, I said I was sorry!). The monk still has yet to resurface. DM: ...aaand that’s 5 piercing damage to the sorcerer. As you all look at the spikes you see that several are covered in a brownish substance that looks suspiciously like blood other than your own. Rouge: ... guys we still haven’t found [Monk]. The Party collectively screams in horror and the Monk is laughing her ass off.

[themindofaheavilyconcussedwizard]

Holy Shit

CONTEXT: Our party had found a demon and was in the midst of fighting it. I had just gotten back from a bathroom break.

Me, the rouge: So, what’d I miss?

Druid: [screaming]

DM: You’re up next [rouge]. What do you do?

Me, grinning: I open my bag of beans.

Everyone: FUCK YES

[My character had a bag of magical beans that when thrown would explode and summon a random object. Thus far I hadn’t used any, this was a trial run.]

Me: What is the demon doing?

DM: The Demon hovers about ten feet off of the floor in front of you, screeching terrifyingly.

Me: I throw a bean directly into its open maw!

DM: Okay, roll the dice.

[Rolls a 17]

DM: That makes it! Unfortunately the demon is immune to explosions, so that doesn’t hurt it, but let’s see what just appeared in its mouth. Pick a number between one and onehundred?

Me: 69

DM: Right. Okay then, looking through the book... [reading out loud] You summoned a tree that bears a delicious-looking fruit. If eaten, you have to make a constitution check. If you pass you get points added on to the lowest thingy-majjig you have. If you fail you take a shit-ton of damage and probably die.

Me: Well I threw it into the demon’s mouth so it has to eat it.

DM: Sure. Let me just roll... Natural 4. It fails the check.

[the table goes wild]

The DM, grinning, rolls a whole bunch of dice: It’s uber dead!

Everyone, chanting: BEANS! BEANS! BEANS! BEANS!

[themindofaheavilyconcussedwizard]

Well then.

CONTEXT: Our party was in a cave system searching for some missing NPCs. The previous session I had had to leave the session early. The DM made up some story that my character had split off from the party to wander into a nearby cave passage following “something shiny or whatever.” When the next session rolled around I was able to return. The DM just said that I had stumbled out of an opening in the cave wall (like you do) that closed behind me. On the whiteboard map we had put up I made a dotted squiggly line labled “[Rouge]’s Adventure”. We still hadn’t found the NPCs but were interrigating some gaurds we had perviously defeated.

DM: The others are confused as to how you managed to reappear from a WALL OF LITERAL STONE, but you what? You’re [the rouge] so at this point they don’t bother wondering. Now, where were we?

Druid: Talking to the guards trying to get them to tell us where their master is.

DM: Go ahead then.

Ranger: I take our my knife. [IN CHARACTER] Listen up buckos, I don’t want it to get messy, but if it comes to that I won’t hesitate. Talk.

DM: Roll for intimidation.

[Nat 20]

DM: Alright then, you see a growing stain in their trouser area and the both raise shaking fingers to point at the far wall.

Druid: [OUT OF CHARACTER] Could you draw it on the map?

DM: Sure [Marks a line on the whiteboard] Wait...

[It’s exactly where my solo adventure squiggly line ends. My rouge “accidentally” found the secret passageway]

DM: Goddamnit.

[themindofaheavilyconcussedwizard]

Introductions

Our stalwart DM: Okay, so everyone just give a little description of your character!

Me, the rouge: Imagine if someone was given the temprament of a rouge and the mind of a heavily concussed wizard.