[themindofamrita]

whenever i see/hear this question, it always seems strange. it’s almost as if the question gets thrown inside my mind and the answer comes pouring out of my heart. and in that moment, it’s hard to tell whether i like thinking more or feeling more. but the strangest part of all is that the thoughts and feelings are different every time i’m faced with the question.

the last time i asked myself it, happiness meant success. the time before that, happiness meant beauty. today, happiness means love.

if you have love, you have the entire world in your palms. i don’t even mean one type of love, i’m talking about any type of love — self-love, love for a person, love for a place, love for a thing, even a love for love. once you feel it, that’s happiness.

and when you find happiness, i hope it feels good ♥️

[themindofamrita]

"so, when did you fall in love with hip-hop?"

i remember the very day i fell in love with hip-hop. i was about 10 or 11 years old and lived in a house full of constant laughter, joy and a lot of music. my uncle was into dj-ing so we had a variety of music blasting pretty much all the time…it was cool. he also worked at a retail store during the week which was cool too because he owned the newest things and i learnt a lot about what was in or not in fashion. he’d usually show me and my sisters all the coolest things but only when he was home. when he wasn’t home, his room was off limits.

anyway, i don’t remember why but one day my dad bought me a portable cd player. i think it was because i was doing well in school or something. i was the happiest little girl ever. there was one problem though, i didn’t own any cds. so one evening when my uncle wasn’t home, i snuck into his room and stole a few cds at random. i didn’t really take a look at what i was taking, i was too worried about getting caught. i ran upstairs into my room and hid all except one in a drawer. i took the one that i didn’t put inside and ran into the bathroom with my cd player.

i still remember staring at the cover. i read the words ‘illmatic’ and ‘nas’ and i was really unsure as to how his name was pronounced. it didn’t matter though, i’d finally got my hands on some cds to listen to. that night, all i did was listen to the album. i didn’t understand a lot of things being said but i fell in love with the beats. i fell in love with the way words rhymed. i fell in love with nas’ voice. i must have listened to illmatic for about two weeks straight and found myself rapping along to every verse of every song.

about a month later, i broke my cd player. i was depressed about it, but i was even more depressed about not being able to listen to music. i missed it. that was the moment i realised how much i loved hip-hop.

today marks the 20th anniversary of illmatic. i spent this morning listening to the album without skipping like i did the very first time and it still moves me in the same way. thank you nas. thank you hip-hop.

[themindofamrita]

when i love someone, i love them more than i love myself. i don't know how i became that girl, but my mother never raised me that way. she always told me to put myself first. i never understood that at a young age, but now i think i'm finally beginning to.

i have loved people who ended up walking out on me, and i never knew how to pick myself up because that was usually their job. there have been times where i have wanted nothing more in life than to be understood. sometimes i still crave for someone to agree with the things i say and not just for the sake of agreeing, but because they get it and get me. sometimes i don't even understand myself and i hate that. but i want there to be times where someone can understand me better than i understand myself.

that's when i remember the things my mother used to tell me and that is, nobody will ever understand. a lover will never understand how much you love him because he won't be able to see himself in the way that you see him and a rapist will never understand how much you hate him and will always remain unaware of the sleepless nights you spent crying.

she told me, the only way i will truly understand and love someone else is when i understand and love myself. and if the one that i love leaves me, i will still recognise true love, for it will exist inside me.

[themindofamrita]

life...

today a friend asked me what the best ride i’ve ever been on is…my response was life. that’s because life is the best ride. ups and downs, excitement and fear, nervousness and relief…all of those combinations can link to both rides and life.

just recently, i’ve started understanding the beauty of life and how the concept of life works. i see perfection in almost everything which leaves me feeling immensely happy all the time. i’ve also realised that life is too short. even though i’ve heard that a billion and one times, i feel like i’m finally understanding the correct definition of those words. i always envied those who “live life as if there’s no tomorrow” because i’d always be scared to act that way, but now i think i’m actually becoming one of those people and i’m so happy about that because life IS short. i don’t want to spend my whole life in fear just planning and wishing when time is only wasting.

time is my favourite word. i try to cherish it as much as i can because that is what’s running out in our lives. i don’t want that day to come when i’m a few moments away from death and i realise that there was a lot more i could have done with my life. i want to die feeling happy with the life i lived.

happiness is everything to me. everyone has something they constantly crave…for me it’s happiness. materialism has never moved me. i’m definitely a “money can’t buy happiness” type of person.

the main thing that brings happiness is positivity. with that being said, spend your time in positive places and around positive people because again, life is too short to be wasting time with the wrong people. be around people who make you feel happy and do things that make you feel happy.

take a moment to think if you’re truly happy in life right now. if you were to die tonight: would you be satisfied with the life you’ve lived?

if the answer is no, start your journey now. i read once that it usually takes one thing to change everything. find that one thing you need.

ready, set, grow.

this is the first time i’ve chosen to publish my journal-thoughts online. kinda therapeutic, i like it. maybe this is the start of something new. welcome to the mind of amrita.