I’m Engaged... to another woman

Coming out can be difficult as a Mormon. Reacting to a coming out can be difficult as a Mormon. Here I post the reactions to my engagement and what would have been a better response.

[themnmlife-blog]

“I love you!”

This was written by my friend’s mom on my Facebook wall with no context just 8 hours after I announced my engagement. She is Mormon and I can’t help but wonder if this was sincere or an “I STILL love you” type of thing. I responded with a separate post on her wall that said “I love you too!”... She hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Of course saying I love you is a positive reaction. But I’m not sure what the true intent of this was... the context was odd. But I think overall this reaction wasn’t bad. ***** Is this something you would say? Great job! You should always love people! Consider: Also loving them in deed. Take an interest in their life.

[themnmlife-blog]

“Why the change?... I still love you though”

This was followed with “I work with people like you so I still love you.” First off, I didn’t change. Your perception of me changed. I am still the same me but now I have found someone to spend my life with. Can you imagine asking a straight engaged person that? Why the change? The only change is now I’m engaged. Why? Because I’m in love. I found someone who makes me a better person. I found someone who loves me unconditionally and stands by me in good times and bad. They say that when you know, you know. I know. Second, you STILL love me? This implies that there is a reason that you shouldn’t love me. Of course you still love me. Why would you stop loving me? Obviously you think there is a reason that you should stop loving me. This is the most annoying thing I deal with on a daily basis. Should I go up to every liar, cheater, gossiper, cohabitater and declare that I STILL love you? No. We just love. So backhanded. Third, people like you... she works with people like me... what does that even mean? She works with math teachers who enjoy playing the ukulele and watching Schitt’s Creek? The worst part about coming out to a Mormon community is that now this is the only thing they see. I used to be my complete self now that they see the lesbian, they can’t see anything else. ***** Is this something you would say? Consider instead: “Congratulations. Can’t wait to meet your fiancé! We love you so I’m sure we will absolutely love her!” By saying this, you appropriately react to an engagement. You express your love without conditions. You show openness to others who may not be like you.

[themnmlife-blog]

“I’ll just move your records”

So I told the bishop of the YSA ward that my records are in. I found his number in the ward directory. I contacted him. I explained my engagement and stated that I’d like to meet him to discuss my membership standing and be aware of what is going on. His executive secretary set up a meeting. I walk in on Sunday morning in my skirt and blouse. He arrives 15 minutes late. He doesn’t even introduce himself. He doesn’t start with a prayer. He doesn’t get to know me. He states that he will move my records to a family ward and he doesn’t know what to do about “the other thing.” I explain that I’d like to take care of this now so that it doesn’t interrupt my family’s life in 10 years. He doesn’t understand what I mean by family and looks very uncomfortable when I tell him that we plan to raise children. He says “ok, I’ll pass your records to the family ward.” The meeting ends in 3 minutes. Let me also point out that the last Bishop found out I was dating a girl and suddenly all visits stopped. There was zero concern for me as a person. Even on the night of the Las Vegas shooting, nobody contacted me to check if I was safe. Three other Christian churches contacted me. The only contact I received from this ward was literally Saturday night at midnight before my meeting with this bishop. It was clearly an assignment that she forgot about until the very last minute. The love that the Church boasts about is not found throughout the Church. It’s a game of leadership roulette. I never know what to expect. Bishops just keep passing me on and ignoring my existence but someday there will be one bishop that decides to take action. This is the inconsistency of the Church. ***** Is this how you would react as a leader? Consider instead: “Congratulations on your engagement. I’d love to meet your fiancé. Maybe you two can attend FHE with us this week?... So what else is new in your life?... ok, so the church does have a protocol for this which I am sure you are aware of. Do you have any questions about it or would you like to take measures to remove your records from the church?... no matter what your membership status is, we would like to continue in fellowship with your family... Would it be alright with you if we still maintained contact?” By saying this, you appropriately react to an engagement. You express your love without conditions. You show openness to others who may not be like you. You explain accurately what your church requires. You show Christ like love while allowing a person to leave the church voluntarily. You ask for consent to still receive visits while expressing your interest in continuing friendship.

[themnmlife-blog]

Purpose

So basically I wanted to document all the ridiculous things that people say to me. Not in an effort to harbor anger or to humiliate, but to point out a real problem and hopefully help to solve it. Let me explain... I was raised in a Mormon home. I was baptized, went to BYU Idaho, went on a mission, and served in various callings from Sunbeam leader to Relief Society President. About five years ago I met my best friend at church. This past month we announced our engagement. She was also Mormon. We met in a singles ward where we were planning to meet and marry nice young men. So the reactions have been pretty interesting.