March 8th, 2018
The last few months of my life have been so surreal. My days blur together and my nights seem never-ending. The truth? I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my third child in the last three years.
I have never felt so overwhelmed, exhausted, or anxious in my entire life. Being pregnant for 30 out of the last 36 months has taken an extensive toll on both my physical and mental health. This pregnancy especially, however, has not been easy on me... I won't lie, this baby was conceived accidentally, after I was hospitalized for extreme post postpartum depression following the birth of my second child. But that doesn't mean that I will love this child any less.
It means that I'm going to do my best to welcome this baby with open, loving arms, and a clear heart and mind. It means that, despite the emotional and physical toll that this pregnancy has taken on me, I'm working harder than ever to fight off my PPD. I'm finding that the best help I've received regarding PPD, is from simply talking to people about it recently. And not necessarily therapists or psychiatrists. But people like my husband, and my mother, and my little sister, and my best friend, and my little sister's best friend, and even a few Instagram mommas that I find inspiring and uplifting. I've found this to be more help than seeing any professional because when I was hospitalized for PPD last year, I saw only one therapist for less than 30 minutes. After our very short and less-than-eye-opening conversation, she wrote me prescriptions for Xoloft and Atavan, which were filled and given to me at the facility before I left... Less than 24 hours after I was brought in for observation. She also made sure to let me know that if I felt like I needed to make a follow up appointment, I should get in touch with any of the number of county facilities in the area to talk about scheduling an appointment with a counselor.
Yes, I could have made myself another appointment. Yes, I could have gotten myself on birth control and possibly other medications and prevented this pregnancy altogether. I'm not making excuses, and I'm not blaming healthcare system because at the end of the day, I know that my actions are 100 percent responsible for the situation that I am in right now. But depression is an absolute crippling force of nature; a disease that spreads through you like a hungry virus until it has infected as much of your soul as it possibly can. It devours everything that you've ever loved about yourself and reduces you to feeling like an insignificant lump of flesh, bone, and blood. Depression is a disease that breeds bad habits like laziness, indecision, and apathy. It gives you an excuse to be less-than-cordial to others and by so ruining your relationships with everybody and everything. It takes everything from you if you allow it to.
Sometimes you can't help but let it happen to you, and the best thing you can do for yourself at that point is to speak up. Don't keep quiet. Don't keep it to yourself. You will only regret it when you finally choose to climb out of the hole you're in because you'll find that everyone who cares for you has been waiting to see a genuine smile on your face for just as long as you have.