Wanderlust @themountainsarecalling18 - Tumblr Blog

Fuck you. I was actually happy. Sure I know it was bound to come crashing down at some point because it’s all part of the process of healing and moving on. But to have you be the one who reaches out and says “Hey I know we were supposed to talk, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me right now” and then nothing else well fuck you.

I have such a hard time being angry. All I want is to be understanding and supportive and I need friends to tell me how wrong things are and that I deserve better and that’s something that I am working on. Because they’re right. Rommy is right when he says that you reached out to him and were sad and all he could think is well didn’t you choose this? You did this to yourself. Carly is right when I tell her that you sent that and I say I feel guilty and all she can say is fuck him. She’s right when she said you don’t get to play this game. You were the one who was afraid to say you loved me and to say we were dating despite spending roughly 20 hours every day together for 9 months.

So fuck you. For taking me away from the people who wanted to spend time with me senior year and who have stuck around and are here for me now. Fuck you for saying that you want to talk and you miss me and then telling me we’ll never get back together. Fuck you for breaking my heart.

I felt guilty that Monday I was on a date actually enjoying myself and missed your text telling me that you couldn’t actually talk that night because it would be too hard. I felt guilty for having moments of happiness and joy. Fuck you for making me feel guilty for being happy. Fuck you for sending me back to the dark place and making me cry and lose sleep again. Fuck you for making me wish that I had etizolam and all the other shitty things we did together so I could feel nothing.

I am exhausted and you are emotionally draining. I forgot how much I enjoy meeting new people and bopping around and doing random shit. So thank you. Thank you for wanting to be free and in turn setting me free and pushing me to be uncomfortable and grow. I’m sorry that you are having a hard time and instead of pushing yourself you are curling up. I really am. I want you to be happy. I know how hard it is and I truly wish only the best for you. But also fuck you.

I am strong. I am brave. I am resilient. I am wonderful and surrounded by people who love and support me and people who I would do anything for.

I’m still in love with you but you know what that’s okay. I shared a big part of my life with you and it’ll take time to move forward. But I know I’m going to be okay and I’ll find someone who shares my values but wants the same things I want too.

You have a pattern of pulling people in and having them invest in you until it breaks them. Haley, nina, Angie, me. And it doesn’t make me any less valuable or special but it shows that you do have a pattern of this. Where someone wants to be there for you and you let them but you constantly make them question if they’re good enough. And you know what I am good enough and I’m probably the best thing you’ll have. I hope that’s not true for your sake because man do I want you to be happy but I’m fucking amazing. I am patient. I am kind. I care so much. Like a stupid amount about every detail good bad and seemingly insignificant. But that’s how I feel about all of my friends. When we broke up and I told my friends as I fought tears at work it really showed. I haven’t always been the greatest friend and man I messed up a bit by putting everything I had into you and neglecting some friends. I kinda knew it then but I couldn’t stop it. So thank you. Because when I told people I have been shown an overwhelming amount of love and support. My family and friends have called and checked in and reminded me that I’ll be okay and that I deserve better. You were a bit hurt that people didn’t offer you wine and fruit baskets and sleepy lotion or board games. And I felt bad for you but then I realized that it says something about the relationships that you form and the ones I form. I invest a lot and sometimes way too much and I make mistakes but fuck I am genuine and I try my best to always be there. And I think you try but there’s always a piece of you that can’t fully invest. Youre too afraid of commitment or being left or something and need to be fully independent and not have to think about anyone. So yeah no wonder that people aren’t reaching out to you because sometimes you need to think about others. And I know you try. And I hope eventually you find the fulfillment in caring I mean genuinely caring and just selflessly loving and wanting to hear about what people are doing in life. Because people are amazing and loving and honestly our relationships with people are all we really have in this world. And I am so blessed to have so many amazing relationships and so many people who care.

I hate that I forgot that. But I know now and I am going to keep reminding myself. I am strong. I am brave. I am resilient. I am wonderful and surrounded by people who love and support me and people who I would do anything for.