Stars I shall find

27 ◇ she/her ◇ pan

[themusicofstillness]

I’ve been thinking about writing a memoir on trying to care for my elderly abusive mother, primarily because I am no longer scared of her and the things I’ve said are, quite honestly, inspired.

Today’s quote of the day:

“I’m bending so far backwards to try and give you some semblance of quality of life that I could eat my own ass, and you won’t even meet me halfway.”

To anyone who is also fighting this uphill battle, you are not alone. To anyone who has forgone this for your own physical/mental health, your decision is also a valid one. There is no right or wrong choice in these situations, as there are so many facets and context to every story. I just hope we all find peace in the end.

[themusicofstillness]

Mother’s Day is coming up and I hardly have a mother anymore. Not that I had much of one to begin with, but your cognition is decreasing and adverse behaviors increasing and you expect me to ignore it with a smile on my face.

Mother’s Day is coming up and I have to spend the day with you not because I want to, but to keep you safe, which you will bring up with disdain at least 3 times while we are out “having fun”.

Mother’s Day is coming up and last week you had the gall to say I didn’t care about you, when I dropped everything to be in the hospital with you and subsequently became very sick myself. You hung up on me - clearly annoyed - because I physically could not speak when you called to check on me, despite texting you updates.

Mother’s Day is coming up and the last time I saw you, it was to pick up your dog - my baby who I raised before going to college - and put him down because you selfishly shoved him in a car when you moved across the country despite offers from friends to take him in and have neglected his health since the day I moved out seven years ago.

Mother’s Day is coming up and the last time I tried to speak about how things you did affected me as a small child, you screamed, “Why are you punishing me?” But the real question is, why did you abuse me?

Mother’s Day is coming up.

[themusicofstillness]

When I worked at a pizza place in a seedy part of town, I learned very quickly that the best response to sexual harassment (always from the customers) was a power move. For example, when I received I napkin from a young man that said “My name is x, I only do anal” with his number below, I framed it and then texted him a picture saying thanks for the art. Never heard from him again.

[themusicofstillness]

I hope 2020 is like the game of thrones arc where the first half hits you hard and then it eventually kinda fizzles out with all the bullshit writing and inconsistencies to the point where no one cares anymore

[themusicofstillness]

Okay so I was half right this is hitting like Jamie’s redemption arc and trump getting covid is giving me Jeoffrey at his wedding vibes. Now if we can NOT have this redemption arc ruined, that’d be great 👌🏻

[themusicofstillness]

May 2021 update the redemption arc was ruined, the tyrant didn’t die, and the January 6th capital riot was about as long and important as the Battle of Winterfell. We have a leader now who is full of good stories and experiences but is he even gonna do anything though??

[themusicofstillness]

So way back in middle school home ec we did a work/budgeting unit where we all had “jobs” within a chocolate making “company”. Our teacher encouraged us to be completely honest during interviews for office jobs, so when I applied to be a manager I honestly answered “what is your biggest weakness?” thinking that acknowledging it would show awareness and the desire to improve it.

Instead I was told I wouldn’t be a good fit for the position because of my answer and was “hired” as an accountant making half as much as the male manager while I handled all the finances. That was the day I stopped looking forward to becoming an adult.

[themusicofstillness]

So my husband and I checked out of the hotel this morning after a mini staycation and we missed the free breakfast so we pulled into the first place we saw once we were on the main highway home, which happened to be a McDonalds. Now I haven’t physically been in a McDonalds in a hot minute, but I just got a new (to me) car and I’ll be damned if I get fast food grease anywhere in there, so we sit down to eat our meal. While we’re in there, we notice a large group of elderly people having breakfast together; they’ve separated themselves by gender with the men sitting at one table talking about stocks and politics, and the women sitting at another talking about cooking and grandchildren. A middle aged man sits not too far from them, overhears a comment about the “rigged” election, and starts agreeing with them. He then loudly stated, “Heck if people start shootin’, I’ll be right there with em. We NEED a second civil war!”

My husband and I at this point are covering our faces, just trying to eat in peace and leave before this man can see how shocked we are. We’re in Florida, yes, but we’re in a highly diverse area where the majority of people are chill and just want to live their lives. Our specific county was red, but the area we were in at that moment went blue in the election and is a hot spot for tourists - the last place you’d expect a conservative to be loudly stating his opinion.

We finish our food as quickly as possible and as we stand, I say just loudly enough to carry, “Hey, you ready to get out of this racist dump?” The nearest trash can is by Mr. Civil War so we get rid of our trays and, right as we pass him, my husband puts his arm around my shoulder and practically yells, “Yeah, let’s go home and masturbate to Kamala Harris!” The man falls silent and I’m trying not to laugh or look behind me, and as we walk through the door my husband adds “Hail Emperor Biden!” which I think is a little overkill but he’s just trying to fuck with them. I turn back, open the door just long enough to yell BLM, then booked it to my car because you do NOT want to get close enough to mad Floridians to start a fight. And then everyone clapped!

Just kidding, this actually happened and no one clapped. We watched the door until we rounded the corner and my heart didn’t stop racing until we got back on the highway. No clue what happened inside after but I hope it was a shitshow of snowflakes having a meltdown ❄️😊

[themusicofstillness]

So I’ve been watching Winx on Netflix and my basic understanding 3.5 episodes in is that it’s feminist Harry Potter and I am LOVING it but I’m so mad because when the animated series was out my mom wouldn’t let me watch it because of the clothes the characters wore.

I missed out on feminist Harry Potter because of 2D miniskirts and crop tops.

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

So when Anakin Skywalker was a Jedi he looked like this

But turning to the dark side changed his physical appearance. Most notably his eyes, which became yellow (a very typical Sith transformation in many species)

And while I know that Wookies are not supposed to be able to be force sensitive and therefore cannot become Jedi or Sith, all I am saying is that

.... You know?

[alittleoptimistic]

There is literally no way I could have guessed where this post was heading

[themusicofstillness]

I hope 2020 is like the game of thrones arc where the first half hits you hard and then it eventually kinda fizzles out with all the bullshit writing and inconsistencies to the point where no one cares anymore

[themusicofstillness]

Okay so I was half right this is hitting like Jamie’s redemption arc and trump getting covid is giving me Jeoffrey at his wedding vibes. Now if we can NOT have this redemption arc ruined, that’d be great 👌🏻

[themusicofstillness]

My face when Trump and his cronies get covid directly stemming from the nomination ceremony of Barrett after RBG SPECIFICALLY said in her DYING WISH “I will not be replaced until a new president is installed.”

[themusicofstillness]

I hope 2020 is like the game of thrones arc where the first half hits you hard and then it eventually kinda fizzles out with all the bullshit writing and inconsistencies to the point where no one cares anymore

[themusicofstillness]

Now that atla is super popular again someone should caption Appa but like R2D2 if that makes sense cause Appa goes through some SHIT and he’d definitely curse if he could talk

[persephinae]

WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE READ

YOU NEED TO REPEAT THIS TO YOURSELF EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES UNTIL RACISM IS DESTROYED

ASIANS, LATINX/HISPANICS, AND OTHER NON-WHITES ARE ENCOURAGED TO REBLOG AS WELL

NO ONE IS FREE FROM ANTI-BLACKNESS IN THEIR COMMUNITIES

[milkandheavysugar]

Marsha P. Johnson within the crowd at a New York Gay Pride (1982)

[themusicofstillness]

For all the nurses out there kicking ass this week and during all this craziness, thank you!

[simpsons-latino]

[say-prettyy-pleasee]

This is Money Marge. Reblog for a miracle of finances to come to you

🙏🏾💰💵

[yourfursona]

420 years ago, on 4/20, the moon was made of weed.

[yourfursona]

This is the only day you can reblog this. Do it for Weed Moon.

[yourfursona]

This post, despite being funny for exactly 1 (one) day, has been reblogged heavily over the past year for whatever reason, and I’m going to appreciate the few days before it completely blows up again. God help us all.