Small Prey
My entire life all I've ever wanted was to be small. They are my earliest memories.
I was probably around 6 years old when I heard the word diet for the first time. My older sister, around 8 at the time, was scooping fruit into a bowl on the fourth of July.
âI'm on a diet,â she said. âI can only eat fruit.â
"Me too" I said leaning over the bowl, my clumsy fingers gripping the serving spoon. "Can I have some?" She was already walking away from me.
I'm not sure where she heard the word diet. Most likely my mother or the television.
By the time I was 16 years old I had tried various methods to lose weight. My parents were both obsessive fad dieters. The house was full of low carb candy, slim fast shakes, diet Cokes and any variation of food with the word "thin" attached to it. I tried Atkins, Keto, Paleoâand the most extreme of them all: the HCG Diet.
My parents, along with my sister and I would eat less than 500 calories a day and take the HCG hormone. They claimed that the intensely low calories consumed along with "tricking" your body you were pregnant helps the body utilize stored fat for energy and reduces hunger. This diet lasted about 4 months in the house. I felt terrible everyday and only managed to lose around 14 pounds. I gained it back and then some quite quickly.
The HCG diet was later condemned as a hoax and any weight loss was due to severe calorie restrictions. It was also deemed unsafe with a myriad of side effects. I wonder how it affected me as a sixteen year old and into my adult life.
In addition to fad diets I tried the classic anorexia and bulimia. I got very good at restricting, bingeing and then purging. I frequented pro-ana and pro-mia websites. Searching for inspiration to stay thin. I cut out photos from magazines of impossibly tiny girls and women. Manifesting I could be strict enough to achieve their beauty. I never could. I knew I was a massive failure. All before I turned seventeen.
The shame my parents felt around my weight was clear. Shopping for new school clothes was a miserable affair. My mother and sister typically ended the day with a screaming match. I preferred to quietly cry on my own in the dressing room. I would whisper a quick "sorry" to my mother when I asked her to get me the next size up.
I was around a size 8 at that time.
When I graduated high school I had never been on a date or to a school dance. I was accepted into a small university around 2 hours away and hoped to make a fresh start. My parents knew just the thing.
"Jess, I am so proud of you for graduating and going to college. It's huge. I...and your mother, we want you to be your best self when you get there." He paused. I said nothing, waiting for him to go on.
"Your Mother and I set you up with a weight loss doctor. Your first appointment is on Monday. It is going to be really great. You do want to go right?"
As if I had a choice. "Okay. Yeah. That's fine Dad."
The doctors office was more like a boutique spa. A fountain in the corner of the lobby babbled. Big Mid-Mod couches lined both walls. Along with before and after photos of women, smiling in the after and frowning in the before. All their dreams had come true here. The receptionist offered me cucumber water.
When I got called back the nurse measured and weighed my body. Waist, hips and bust. Strange clips pinched the fat on my thighs, arms and stomach. I was like a science experiment.
The doctor was serious and direct. He went over BMI, gave me a list of foods I could eat and presented me with magical pills to take everyday.
Phentermine. Finally. My magical little fix. It changed my life in ways I could never imagine. Suddenly I didn't want to binge. Suddenly I didn't want to eat at all. I got up early in the morning to go running. I swam laps in the evening. I didn't sleep. I had lost 50 pounds in 3 months. I was ready for my fresh start.
I went to the doctor before I left for school. I was measured and weighed again. I was scared he might take my pills away. Instead, he looked at me and asked me if I wanted to up my dose.
I said yes.
To be continued.
