~*~*Talk Nerdy to Me*~*~

[thenerdyvixen]

Quick update

Who knew having a mental breakdown and forcing yourself to finally get help would turn your life upside down? Before meds I was a self doubting, sad, confused, miserable, lost person. I suffered from undiagnosed severe depression and general anxiety disorder for over 15 years. Once my meds kicked in... I realized my true potential! I decided I wanted to learn more about makeup application, met with a beauty school admissions person, researched Esthetics, and registered for school! Now, I'm studying something I love! Every day I go into school looking forward to what I'll be learning! I can't wait to learn more techniques, we are trained on facials, back treatments, waxing, makeup, and lots of exciting machines! I have always tried to take good care of my skin, so I know how important it is to help others do the same! I want to make people feel LOVELY!! It's a dream come true! I have never looked forward to the future more! When I graduate I'll have so many opportunities opened up to me to have a career I actually LOVE!! I thank my meds, they balanced me and helped me see things clearly. I am trying to completely brush off my past and look only ahead! I'm finally growing up and learning to love myself!

[thenerdyvixen]

She opens her heart to someone only to have them take it for a short time and then give it back. She smiles and says she can be friends, but deep down inside she prays every night they remember why they took it in the first place and request to have it back. She continues to rebuild the walls around her heart so no one else can get in, she can't bear any more rejection.

Imagination?

[thenerdyvixen]

Think before you speak...

I've decided to make a New Years Resolution to finally work hard for my ultimate weight loss goal. From the moment those words came out of my mouth I have already had people tell me not to strive for that. As if wanting to be a recommended weight was bad! I don't want to be under 130, so why is this so horrible? One woman even told me not to get a "sickly look". First, I have NEVER looked sickly. I am not built for that, even at my lightest I still looked bigger than other women at my height and weight because of my bone structure. I'm fine with that, by the way. But second, and more importantly: where the FUCK were these opinionated people when I was at my heaviest? When I weighed over 250 lbs no one told me I looked unhealthy and should improve myself! Why now, when I am starting to like myself, am I getting these negative responses? Unless I am emaciated and hiding it from everyone I don't see why anyone would worry about me wanting to be a healthy weight! Besides...I'll probably fail and not reach 130 anyway, so calm your tits. Let me do this!

[thenerdyvixen]

Caring isn't always sharing...

In my experience, I have found it is best to just not tell people I suffer from depression. Sure, I've told people I feel closest to and recently shared with my Twitter friends, but normally I keep it to myself because the following always happens: Me: I suffer from depression. Them: Oh! So do I! And anxiety! Doesn't it suck? What do you take? I take ________! Me: Gee, thanks for listening. If someone tells you they are depressed, now is not the time to share your experience and try to top it. That's not what anyone needs. I also don't like hearing "doesn't everyone?" when I share that. Now is not your turn, pipe down and listen to me or I will never confide in you again. I don't like to express myself to people I hardly know, but you can bet I won't be turning to this particular co-worker ever again. 😠

[thenerdyvixen]

Late night confessions...

Psst...you want to know a secret? I sometimes stare in the mirror and wish I was skeletal skinny. Seriously. I still look at my reflection and see a 250 lb woman and want to cry. I know reality looks different, but I lie on the floor and suck in my flabby stomach and feel the hip bones and wish I was skinny. Like, unhealthy skinny. At least I could have a starting point that allowed me to eat cake without feeling like a total pig. Yes, I am fucking insecure even after what I've been through. I still want to lose 20 more lbs, but once I reach that (if I ever do), then what? Can I just be happy with my reflection for once? Or at least see reality? The stretch marks and saggy skin I should wear as a badge of pride for my effort, but I just think of how pathetic I once was instead. And how badly I want to binge eat an entire pizza by myself.

[thenerdyvixen]

Spoiled

I came to a realization this morning... Any film I've gone to where I've heard reviews, read synopses for, watched multiple teaser trailers of, etc., hasn't felt as good as movies used to. It feels tainted by all of the comments floating in my head beforehand and I almost feel bad for loving something people gripe about. But if I do no research, only see an ad here or there for it, and maybe find out who directed/stars in it, it's a really enjoyable experience! It's like before we all got really into the internet, when all you'd get is a preview in a theatre (or a newly rented or purchased VHS/dvd). You went into it with no real knowledge except it looked interesting enough to spend a few bucks on. And don't get me started on how much movies and concessions cost. I'm half tempted to smuggle Dollar Store candy in and risk getting kicked out... But I feel like these spoiled films are hard to avoid. I go out of my way sometimes to dodge it, but no matter what I will already have my own opinion forming (or at least heard everyone else's) before they even tear my ticket stub. It sucks.

[thenerdyvixen]

You know you're a lifelong Moonie when you think of this look when given a 90's theme. 😂Yes, I still have the movies on VHS!

[thenerdyvixen]

It's been a long time since I last updated this (sorry!), haven't been busy so much as haven't had much to say that isn't a flat out RANT. But I thought I'd pop on to show off my new hairstyle. Been trying to figure out what I want to look like now that I've maintained my weight (since October been steady between 153-156), decided to chop all of my hair off and play with makeup colors. The last photo is from a recent Dolls collage, I was a kitty. Haha I couldn't go out like that, the white paint sweats off too fast. So, yeah...that's about all I have. I suppose I could post a few rants later in the week. Or update with something fun instead. I'll return, though.

[thenerdyvixen]

7 years later…

Let me tell you, it doesn’t get any easier. In a way, I suppose it does as far as how frequently I cry when I think of her. But now that the years have gone on I find myself forgetting things. I’ve started to forget her voice, her laugh, the odd noises she made to make me laugh. I will always have important memories because she was my best friend and had such a huge impact on the woman I have become, but some of the smaller details are getting fuzzy.

I will always try to go out and visit her once a year, bring her flowers as I used to when I would go over to her house. Share a memory with her. Tell her that life still goes on, even if the sun shines slightly less brighter without her presence in the world.

7 years later…I still miss her dearly. I will always mourn her on this day.

[thenerdyvixen]

Went to #C2E2 this past weekend, probably the best weekend I've had in a loooong time. Here are some photos from Saturday when I did my cosplay as Poison Ivy. I got to see Scott Snyder again and met Greg Capullo for the first time! He is so fucking cool! 😎

[thenerdyvixen]

Found a box of photos from my college years that didn't end up in my scrapbook! So this is for #tbt: 1) Halloween freshman year (2001), I was blonde and Aphrodite. 2) Me and one of my roommates goofing around at dinner, 2003. 3) One of the several times we dressed as "Josie and the Pussycats" and put on lip sync concerts in the Quad. We were such dorks. I miss my red hair...(2003-2004) 4) The 3 of us together, preparing to go out and "perform". Yes, our Melody was a man in a wig. 😂 5) In the summer I would go back home and spent a lot of time with my two favorite brothers. 😊This would've been summer 2002, I think. (Before I started really gaining weight.) Thought it would be fun to share these, hope you enjoy!

[thenerdyvixen]

Clothes shopping and the ego boost

Had the day off yesterday, decided to wander out on my own and do some clothes shopping (I rather liked it, might do more often), popped into one of my favorite stores to get new jeans.

A little back story: I started shopping at this place 3 years ago, they started selling plus sized clothes that were actually just larger versions of their normal clothes. When I decided to lose weight finally I was getting to the point where my size 20’s where getting snug. I was buying shirts there at 2XL and even 3XL.

Back to yesterday- the sales gal asked me my sizes, I wasn’t sure as I’m still transitioning, I told her the jean size I had on (which had to be belted) and she pulled a bunch of clothes for me. All of the shirts were mediums, and they all fit perfectly. But the part that had me floored was the jeans she pulled, I was wearing 9/10’s, the 7/8’s she gave me fit! I have not worn 7/8’s since I was 16!! The fact that she could tell by looking at me that that was my size wouldn’t mean anything to most people, but I see a much bigger girl in the mirror still. It was affirmation that my eyes are fucked up and others don’t see me as I do. I told her that a few years back I was buying their 20’s and she understood my reaction. 😊 So now I have some cute jeans in more than half the size I used to buy. And I feel fucking fabulous for it!!

[thenerdyvixen]

I don't normally shop at Wal-Mart, but I was asked to look for something for someone. Walking past the pajamas I spotted these and couldn't resist! The more Batman clothes I own the better!! 😍I love love LOVE Batman.

[thenerdyvixen]

You can bend it, bend it, bend it, but eventually it breaks and you can't fix it just by wrapping it in bandages.

[thenerdyvixen]

Umm...?

Listening to the radio this morning, a newer song comes on with a guy lamenting about how much being an adult sucks and he'd rather go back to the "good ol' days" when he wasn't so stressed out. I had to stop and think about that one...I had a shitty childhood. I was miserable through my 20's. When is this not stressed out time? Do I get mine later in life? If so, can I have it soon? I know it's redundant to bitch about the cards I've been dealt, but isn't this what blogs are for? I would like to be dealt a new hand, please. 😅

[thenerdyvixen]

I used to post these a lot...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:50am 2. How do you like your steak? Medium well, although I don't complain if it's a little pink. 3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? "The Forest". I was a little disappointed. 4. What is your favorite TV show? "The Office (US)" or "Parks and Recreation" 5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Seattle or the UK 6. What did you have for breakfast? a "Big Sur" vegetarian breakfast burrito 7. What is your favorite cuisine? I love Italian food. But maybe pizza doesn't count...😅 8. What foods do you dislike? I'm really picky about fish. 9. Favorite Place to Eat? I'm not picky, but I have fallen in love with Noodles & Co lately. Or Panera. 10. Favorite dressing? Raspberry Vinaigrette 11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? It's a Chrysler PT Cruiser 12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and t-shirts mostly, but I have some geeky dresses I adore! 13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Tokyo or London. 14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Neither! Halfway to another glass!! 15. Where would you want to retire? Anywhere that's not a Retirement Home. 16. Favorite time of day? Cuddle time. ^_^ 17. Where were you born? Erwin Army Hospital in Ft. Riley, KS 18. What is your favorite sport to watch? American football 19. Bird watcher? I am. I love having feeders out and watching them come get it. 20. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'd like to think I'm a morning person, but I know I do better at night. 21. Do you have any pets? No, unfortunately. I want some, but my landlord won't allow it. 22. What did you want to be when you were little? Pssh, what DIDN'T I want to be. Let's see: singer, dancer, astronaut, palaeontologist, kitten... 23. What is your best childhood memory? Going to Disney World with my grandma!! 24. Are you a cat or dog person? I LOVE LOVE LOVE cats, but dogs are sometimes cute. 25. Always wear your seat belt? Of course! I like being safe and avoiding traffic tickets. 26. Been in a car accident? A few, and I was the passenger in all but one. 27. Any pet peeves? A few... I'll just state here that nail biting is gross. You just get one. Haha 28. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Ham&Pineapple 29. Favorite Flower? Lilacs 30. Favorite ice cream? I'm a big fan of chocolate based gelatos. 31. Favorite fast food restaurant? Arby's or Taco Bell 32. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I didn't. I think I came close, though. Damn you parallel parking!!! 33. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I have become quite fond of Hot Topic lately, but anywhere that sells cute dresses. Or somewhere like Best Buy. 34. Do anything spontaneous lately? Not really. 35. Like your job? It's a job... 36. Your favorite vegetable? Broccoli. 37. What was your favorite vacation? I honestly can't think of one. Most are pretty uneventful. 38. What are you listening to right now? The Puppy Bowl!! 😍 39. What is your favorite color? Pink 40. How many tattoos do you have? None. I get buyer's remorse too easily. 41. Coffee Drinker? I'm beyond that. I'm in a serious relationship with Coffee. It's true love. 42. What time do you go to bed? I get up early every day, so anywhere between 8:30-10:30pm

[thenerdyvixen]

We did Career Day for the TESDTownDolls theme this week. I keep looking at mine and feeling like some kind of egomaniac for thinking “I can’t believe this is ME!” I mean, I’m wearing a wig, but this is NOT the woman I see in the mirror. It’s a new view for me and I honestly feel…proud. I think I’m starting to see my progress is paying off. It’s sad that this is what it takes for me to see it. 😅