Cass The Muse

The loaded journey of a New Yorker to singer-songwriterism.

[thoughtkick]

“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”

— Theodore Isaac Rubin

[remanence-of-love]

[2treez]

Thank goodness!!

[thenewcass]

I’m getting to know the new me. She’s the latest addition to my life. I’m not sure what she wears, what she says, reacts to.. or even how she wears her hair..

[thepersonalwords]

“I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God’s help I shall succeed.”

— Vincent Van Gogh

[thenewcass]

I’m having a moment. I remember when I was so in love with this guy and he invited me to a bal at amazura in Jamaica. I went all alone. I drove my dad’s car. He came With his friends.

He was never really into me, never really respected me.. let alone took me seriously. I couldn’t see it then but my daddy issues allowed it all. At every chance I was given, I jumped at the occasion to see him.

After the bal, he hopped into his car with his friends and left me there on the City sidewalk at 1 am to walk to the car that I believe was parked 2 blocks away all alone. I knew it wasn’t right but I didn’t know I would spend the next 2 hours walking in pain from stewpot 4 inch heels trying to locate my car.

I searched and searched and searched. All alone, in a sleeveless, revealing, mini dress, I roamed the streets of Jamaica Queens after a club party trying to find my car.

After about 2 hours.. a man in white showed up, he only spoke Spanish. Through the tiny bit of Spanish I could muster up, He asked me if I needed help, and began to help me look for the car. We looked for about 2 minutes, turned a corner and there it was… it was when I was leaving, I asked him for his name ..

His name was Angel.

I made it home safely that night. The guy who I was so in love with never called to check that I did.

I remember barely being able to open my eyes on my 35th birthday because every time I opened them, the tears would immediately swell and run down my face like rain on a car window. I was SOOOO sad. I was so sad. I was SO sad.

After letting 35 phone calls go to voicemail, not being able to answer one… I convinced myself that if I went out, I would be forced to stop crying. So I got all dolled up and took myself to Perch in Dtla.

I sat at a table alone & could NOT stop Crying. I was so sad. I had to keep going to the bathroom to have mini break downs. Eventually I sat at the bar. There was a girl to my right. We struck up a convo and I told her it was my bday. She insisted that I joined her at a table for a bday dinner. As we ate, we shared our life stories and what led up to us being there, each solo that night. She treated me to my 35th birthday dinner.

Her name was Hope.

I guess I was never truly alone. God always came through a stranger.

[thenewcass]

I’m never gonna find am I??

If you let me know now God, it’ll save me a whole lotta time, energy, disappointment & pointless hope.

[stay-close]

“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”

— Josh Grayson, Sia

[emotionalwords]

i miss my own energy, i used to be so full of life.

[thehopefulquotes]

“That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.”

— Deb Caletti

[emotionalwords]

God please heal the part of me that i can’t discuss.

[thenewcass]

Still healing from 35.

[thenewcass]

Silence.

Silence is truly golden. At first it’s loud & uncomfortable. But sit in it long enough and you start hearing yourself again. Not the you that the world knows.. but the YOU who is the manifestation of God. Sit in it a little longer and you’ll start realizing how much the pure you really missed you. The world is so loud… I never wanna silence her again. So I’ll bask in silence.

[thenewcass]

How did we end up back here again?

Not wanting to be here again?

Wishing we could leave this ratchet earth again?

[thenewcass]

… guess I didn’t flex enough

For them to see they couldn’t fuck with me

I blame you mom, you raised me right

You raised me humbly.

But at what cost

comes playing small & the humility?

The world respects show offs

So it can size you up you accordingly.

[thenewcass]

And it is so. Thank you GOD. AMEN.

[thenewcass]

And slowly I slipped away

Into the abyss

Abscesses & empty pits

I was made dull in the midst

Of being reborn

Born again, but not in the Christain sense

But in Jesus’s name I pray that this new lane

Is filled with beauty things

Alive after the slaying

Of the old me..

Made new to the depths of me.

[thenewcass]

I know you called just to say that you miss me around 

But I’m my best when I’m home and I stay underground

I try to leave and make friends but can’t act like I’m down

But we both know that I’m weird & that’s ok to be clear

I used to think I was cool, But I choose not to lose

When people do shady things, Playing me for a fool

But then the bitch she comes out she comes out you know.. oh then they take it personal

Don’t take it personal I’m a weirdo

It’s not your fault you know.. but you tried though

What can I say? I’m just that way?

And I won’t change, I’m too old it’s too late

Don’t take it personal… I’m a weirdo

I’m who they call difficult

I be caring too much

I feel deeply and such

Really do give a fuck

The world ain’t built for the deepest souls deepest souls

So I gotta let it let it go

Don’t take it personal I’m a weirdo

What can I say? I’m just that way

A little too late

I’m too old to change

Don’t take it personal, I’m a weirdo

[thenewcass]

Up next.

[thoughtkick]

“Trust yourself. You have survived a lot. And you will survive whatever is coming.”

— Unknown