jinhyuk walks wooseok to the bus stop after every practice.
it starts innocuouslyāas the trainee whoās been there the longest, welcoming the new kids becomes hisĀ thing, mostly because cheol doesnāt want to. and jinhyuk really doesnāt mind showing the newbies around, holding their handĀ (whether metaphorically or literally) through their first day at transform media. itās scary, venturing out into the unknown. if he can help somehow, heās happy to.
wooseok is hard to read, but jinhyuk thinks he must be nervous to be thrown into all of thisĀ without a warning. jinhyuk remembers feeling like heād wandered into the deep end of the pool with no lifeguard present. but here, he isĀ the lifeguard, and heāll rescue trainees like wooseok from going under. so he lets wooseok stick close throughout the day, shares his motherās homemade snacks during breaks, and waits with him until he finishes changing after practice.Ā
the sunās long since set as they leave the building, and jinhyuk turns to wooseok with a frown.Ā ādāyou know your way home?ā he asks, and wooseok jerks his head in a nod.Ā
āyeah.ā he points in the opposite direction of where jinhyukās headed.Ā āi have to catch the bus from there.ā but wooseok doesnāt move, frozen in place as if held there by some unseen force.Ā
jinhyuk waits, then says eventually,Ā āiām going that way too. want to walk together?āĀ
āokay.ā he thinks that itās something akin to relief softening the corners of wooseokās eyes.Ā
they chatter about a number of different things on their way there, and jinhyuk stays with wooseok until his bus arrives. once the bus is finally out of sight, he turns back around and begins the late-night trek to his train station.Ā
it becomes routine after that, and despite the aches and pains, jinhyuk doesnāt mindĀ the doubled journey, because it gives him more time to spend with wooseok.Ā
(wooseok eventually figures it out.Ā āyou shouldāve toldĀ me,ā he says, faintly mortified, and jinhyuk just laughs and slings and arm over his shoulder.Ā
āyou needed me to stay with you,ā he says.Ā āi was your lifeguard.ā it was my choice. heās never regretted it.)Ā
II.
they see the first frozenĀ movie together.
itās not a date, except it is, but jinhyuk is too young to call it that. itāsĀ āfriends hanging outā instead, though cheol says,Ā āif you want it to be a date, then make it a dateā when jinhyuk asks him for advice. like itās just that simple, that straightforward. jinhyuk wonders if these things just come easy to cheol.Ā
āisnāt that weird? weāre both boys.ā and he feels like wooseok is easily spooked. hopefully not by himĀ anymore, but uncertainty makes its home in jinhyukās chest, whispering that wooseok wouldnāt like it ifā
āitās only weird if you act like itās weird.ā
and maybe cheol has a point, but jinhyuk still canāt bring himself to say it.Ā āitās a date!ā even casually, even nonchalantly, might betray deeper feelings he doesnāt know how to deal with. so he sticks toĀ āfriends hanging outā, but itās more.Ā
he dresses nicer than usual, pays for all the food, and slips his hand into wooseokās in the darkened theatre when hans turns evil. wooseok doesnāt question it, doesnāt pull away, just gives jinhyukās hand a reassuring squeeze as if to say, hiĀ and iām hereĀ and i wouldnāt do that to youĀ and this is a date.Ā
jinhyuk tries to explain it to cheol later, but canāt. some memories belong only to him.
(they see frozen 2Ā together as well.Ā
jinhyuk calls wooseok first, two tickets in hand. theyāre the pretty ones, collectibles in their own right. he wonders if wooseok would give him his to keep if he asked. maybe it should be awkward, asking wooseok to do anything with himāthey still havenāt returned to what they used to be, and perhaps they never willābut he blurts the invitation out before he can convince himself this a bad idea. wooseok agrees quickly.
āitās a date,ā jinhyuk says, and thereās a hitch of breath followed by a long pause on the other end of the line.Ā āfigure of speech,ā he adds belatedly, resignedly. some risks arenāt worth taking anymore.Ā
āyeah,ā wooseok exhales.Ā āof course. see you then.ā
wooseok pays him back for the ticket, and they buy snacks separately. jinhyukās hand twitches, but he keeps it glued to the armrest and never glances over, even when he can feel wooseokās eyes on the side of his face.
itās a date, except itās not.)
III.
here is how jinhyuk realizes heās in love with a boy he canāt have:
in the back room of a tv station, with a lukewarm cup of water in his hands, his manager bearing down on him with hissed advice about the questions the hosts are going to ask.Ā ātheyāll ask about your first love,ā he says.Ā āand just tell them it was someone in elementary school but you havenāt seen them since.āĀ
itās a standard, safe answer for an idol. it feels wrong. jinhyuk knows that variety shows like this are mostly an opportunity to flex the carefully constructed background his company designed for him, but he doesnāt want to lie about this. ābut i only met wooseok in middle schoolāāĀ
he stops, and his manager gives him a pointed look.Ā āwhat does that have to do with anything?ā he asks, and jinhyuk canāt answer.
it hits him then, and half the water in his cup spills onto the floor, onto his shoes. my first love was wooseok. and a second later, iām still in love with wooseok. and itās so goddamn clear, so obvious that jinhyuk cannot believe he didnāt see it before. maybe he did. maybe on some level, heās always know, butā
his eyes burn with unshed tears, but all he wants is to laugh. jinhyuk gets the chance to do neither, because the assistants usher him on set for the taping not long after. he puts on a smile for the show, focuses on his reactions and on making people happy, on looking like the comedian he knows they want him to be. itās his image. itās a shield. itās armor. it keeps him from having to think about wooseokās shade and the confession on his own lips, a year too late.
the hosts ask the first love question eventually. jinhyuk takes a breath.Ā āwe met a while ago,ā he says, deliberately ambiguous.Ā āwe were close for some time, and i really liked them. like, i couldnāt imagine not being with them, you know?ā cheol pinches his knee in a silent warning. ābut i basically got rejected before i could confess, so maybe i have some heartbreak-related trauma?ā jinhyuk laughs and shakes his head.āwe didnāt keep in touch after that,ā he continues. āi doubt they even remember me.āĀ
(āreal subtle,ā cheol says later, acidic.Ā ālike we donāt know you were talking about wooseok. like wooseok doesnāt know you were talking about him.
jinhyuk shrugs.Ā āi doubt he watches.ā he didnāt really lie. wooseok probably doesnāt remember him.)
IV.
he sees wooseok once from a distance, in those three years they spend apart.Ā
itās on the train. spect8 is suspended in limbo these days, and jinhyuk is astute enough to recognize the hiatus for the death sentence it is. he picks up a part-time job at a chicken place, and what hurts is that no one recognizes him enough even to mock him for working a menial job when he should beāhell, he doesnāt know. he should be a star. they promised him he would be a star.
he usually logs into the fancafe during his commute to leave messages for their fans and read the ones theyāve left for the members. but the membership numbers have been declining along with the messages themselves, and some days jinhyuk feels like heās yelling into the void. itās a quiet day when he looks up, defeated, and spots him.
wooseok, with his glasses on, looking down at something on his phone. heās wearing a black sweater that looks too big for him, and his hair is soft and floppy. he sways in place with the motion of the train, but doesnāt seem in danger of falling or hurting himself.Ā
and thereās a hollow place in jinhyukās chest that achesĀ at the sight, that wants to push his way through the crowd and come to a stop in front of wooseok and say, hi, itās me, i miss youā
but seungwoo is behind him. he taps wooseok on the shoulder and says something. wooseok replies without looking away from his phone, then sighs and puts it away when seungwoo persists. the corners of his mouth tug up in a small, private smile.
jinhyuk almost calls out, then doesnāt.Ā
(sometimes,Ā he writes in the fancafe later, i remember that iām not all that brave.)
V.
years and yearsĀ after, jinhyuk writes wooseok a letter.
five pages, single-sided, a messy stream of consciousness. jinhyukās never had a way with words, really, but they spill out of him in a frenzy, desperate to escape.Ā
he starts page one with, you probably guessed this a long time ago, but i used to be in love with you.Ā
i donāt know if i ever really got over you, he admits on page two. but i need to.
page three is introspective.Ā no one will write any stories about us. people crave a happy ending, some closure. we never found ours. was it coincidence or by design? maybe closure meant letting you go and i was scared. loving you alone was better than not loving you at all, because i donāt know how not to be in love with you.Ā
this is so fucked up, he writes on page four. i donāt think things were meant to turn out this way. in an ideal world, maybe i would haveā¦ maybe you would haveā¦Ā you ever think the universe fights for some people to be together, but they screw it up? their one chance? their one shot?Ā
on page five, he scribbles, i donāt regret loving you. however we endedāi donāt regret that. i donāt regret you.Ā
iām going to be happy, is what jinhyuk ends the letter with.Ā i hope you are too.
(he almost sends it. then doesnāt. then does and never asks if wooseok received it. for his part, wooseok never brings it up, and this, then, is their closure.)
concept: weāre out with friends, and we canāt stop touching. your hand on my back as your sip your drink. my head on your shoulder as i laugh at a joke. our thighs touch, our hands are tangled together, our shoulders press into one anotherāitās unclear where i end and you begin, and thatās how i like it.
titsay
gummygunk
snowghoul
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