Heading into the New Year
So my feelings have definitely been compromised over the last few months.
I can’t help but to write down what I have been feeling, but also what my realistic expectations are going into the new year. Like the movie “21,” always account for variable change. Unfortunately, I did not account for this.
2017 was definitely one to remember. It wasn’t my best year, but I must humbly say that it was nothing short of a learning experience. The pessimistic side would have indicated that it bluntly sucked ass, but a lot of the things that have happened to me this year have been absolutely out of my control.
There are two things this year that I’m heavily reflecting on; first is my health, second was the end of my 7 year relationship.
When I first started the year, my body felt like I was at an all time high, I was slowly losing weight, I thought I was progressing to where I needed to be mentally, emotionally, and physically. In an instant, my doctors told me I was a few stages from kidney failure. From there, I underwent 7 months of chemo and aggressive steroids which fed into my insecurities such as my weight gain and struggling to maintain some balance. I was in excessive pain, experiencing vertigo like none other, and was extremely depressed. I detest the feeling of not being able to perform at the same level I was accustomed to in the past. I’m not even that old in age. However, my body felt  like it is degenerating at faster rate than everyone else. I never found it so hard to maintain focus. I was engulfed so easily from day 1. I have always been mentally tough regarding my disease. Although at times I was very tempted to use it as a crutch, my subconscious did not allow me too. I never gave up running, I never relinquished my love to play tennis, basketball, or to dance. I continued to only want to be better. I have to thank my family and friends; for not only being supportive, but helping me through my recovery both physically and mentally. God has shown me I cannot do this without his help and hopefully in this coming year I can collaborate with him in order to achieve the ultimate recovery; spiritual recovery. Hopefully, everything else will follow suit.
Second, was my 7 year relationship (I’m aware that I’m putting this out there). The last few months have questioned my purpose in this life. However, I’m progressively coming a long. I’m still grieving this loss because not only did I lose a relationship that would have transpired into an engagement, I lost someone in the process. It was definitely equivalent to someone dying because I do not know this person anymore. I’m guilty of still being in denial about the whole situation because I still want to believe that the person I once loved is still in there. But clearly, things have definitely changed.
I can’t fathom the fact that I can’t put this into words. The best way I can possibly describe these feelings is that in comparison, my feelings feel like Pandora’s box. One day, I’m really good and I would presume that I am better off with a “fuck you attitude.” Other days, when I think about the little stuff, it feels more significant than what it was. Therefore, I relapse once again.
Your voice is still in my head when I lay down at night and when I wake up in the morning.
For good measure, in a cute voice you always use to tell me;
“Don’t let me go okay?”
“How was your day, biff?
Before we cuddle, you would always say “haash”
ETC….they keep going with each tear.
I was upset and depressed because that is all I could think about. 75% percent of my current life is reflective of what we had or what we use to do. All I wanted to do is erase it and not remember who the flying fuck you were. Everything I touched and saw initiated a flashback on what we use to be. I remember when shopping for Nora’s Bday gift at Toys R Us at Great Lakes Crossing, one of the baby brands was called GO-BABY-GO. The minute I saw that brand, I kept thinking about when we ziplined by the caverns in Texas which was one of the best times I had in my life regardless of what happened before the trip started.
Shopping for presents this year for Christmas was one the hardest things I ever had to do. I walk into Gamestop and they are selling this Jigglypuff lamp. I kept thinking that I may have wanted to buy that for you just so I can see the smile on your face. This past Thanksgiving was hard as well not being as busy spending it with both of our families. The things that I am thankful for are my family, the people who got me through this difficult time, and the fact that you did not end up killing me in the end.
When your birthday passed, I couldn’t help but to subliminally tell you happy bday via twitter. As much as I hate you for what you did, I still did not want you to feel alone on your birthday. When your with someone who has become an integral part of your life, they become a part of you. Furthermore, when you share that connection with someone whether it is your significant other, family member, or really close friend; you can always sense that something is wrong.
I told you that I hated because you did not understand the gravity of what your actions have done. For better or for worse, I will never be the same. However, that still does not change that the past 7 years meant everything to me.
All I have to say is good luck. I hope you find the happiness you longed for. I just hope that if there were ever a time you were unhappy that you do not compromise your current relationship because that person does not deserve that in any shape or form whatsoever. I have bared witness and shouldered the burden of your depression. I saw how deep you let your insecurities affect the people around you. I just wish you knew what you were doing and you were not so blind or oblivious to what was right in front of you. When people warn you what your doing, it is not that they were criticizing you or purposely to bring down your mentality. It is so that you are not collateral for yourself and for others. You were just so goddamn selfish that you could not see that.
I do have to thank you though for numerous things:
1. Thank you for relieving me of you because I know I will find someone who will love me for me and not the idea of me. Now that we are apart, I gained back a lot; people who I have not seen or talked to in years. People accepting me back in their lives. Fortunately, now I know what I want with some clarity. I will not let a woman define my happiness.
2. Thank you for introducing me to a second family that I never thought I would ever have. Never thought that I would ever meet a collective group that would change my life forever.
3. Thank you accepting my disease when I needed you most. You were really a trooper. Now you have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.
4. Thank you for all the memories. It was some of the best times of my life. I am forever grateful for all those times. Jersey, Cali, The Bahamas, Texas, Canada, Florida, D.C, etc. The list goes on and on. I won’t let those memories be tainted.
I wish you the absolute best and nothing less. Hopefully one day we can reconcile when we are both better people.
To the people who are there for me now.
*I cannot thank these people enough for what they have done for me helping me end this year on a better note. Without them, I probably would still feel depressed.
Now I am heading into the new year with a bigger heart and hopefully a better soul. I’m grown up now with still more growing to do. Got some career moves waiting for me and I’m excited. Cheers to a new year and new friendships being made. Hopefully, I’ll find what I’m looking for (Cali is still the goal, if not for better).
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