Wander

your typical sad gurl

[theordinario]

Random Thought

When you were young, your needs are just milk and mother. Whilst growing up your needs keeps expanding. In your early years, you might think that needs are in a form of materialistic things. You'll save money to buy all the things that matter to you whilst working your way to fit in a capitalistic society while capitalist society will continue to give you more options to buy more. It is an endless need. The hardship comes with the constant battle of the self to sustain its survival needs. What do you need? Are those really needed? No. At this point in your life, you'll need more money-bought errands to be satisfied. After the adrenaline of shopping spree, travel, bars and drinks, socialization, what now? It makes you happy for a while, then it goes away. You need more money to sustain short-term happiness.

All of the places you went, all of the people you met, all of the people that entertained you for a while, all the materialistic things that you bought. Are you happy? What keeps you going? After all the things you've bought that somehow mattered to you for a while. You've been to a lot of places. You explored so much. After a long exhausting day, what keeps you dreamy at night? You will soon realize, you went through with so much. It does feel incomplete, yeah?

Suddenly, money doesn't make you happy anymore-- a companion will.

[theordinario]

Skies

Have you ever looked in the sky and felt peace? It's the color blue that gives its relaxing vibes. Imagine laying down outside with the shade of the tree, you'll notice the cloud was slowly moving. You'll never notice time, for a while you have escaped. Whilst if you look down, you will see the land. The land has it all, while it was life-- while there is a constant need to survive hence, there is hardship.

[theordinario]

Expectation

I ditched my inuman with a friend when I never do that. It is weird to me. I just want to go to Misa De Gallo that Sunday. It's like my guardian angels are looking at me and guiding me to go to the church. It was raining really hard. My friend cancelled on me. I wasn't expecting you'd show up. I saw you with my blurry eyes right outside of Starbucks. No pounding heartbeat. No butterflies in my chest. No anxiety. No giggles. Just a strong urge to go and be blessed.

I never expected we'd end up here. You like me and our feelings were mutual.

[theordinario]

to: this guy, Lem.

I never imagined words cannot describe how a person feels, but they did. You called it off before I got the chance to really know you, I bet we would look good together.

[theordinario]

I dreamed about you, in there we were together.

[theordinario]

You’re so beautiful and not why I love you. I’m not sure you know, the reason I love you is you. 

[theordinario]

What would it feel?

I was wondering. 

What would it feel like to sit on a roof top with the person you love? Just sitting there and looking at the sky blue, while clouds are slowly being pushed by the wind. 

What would it feel like to do an intimate picnic, just two people enjoying each other’s company? 

What would it feel like to cuddle until the sun comes up? 

What would it feel like to drive around nowhere to go, and listening to the same vibe of music? 

What would it feel like to sit in the middle of the night and just watching city lights twinkle from the overlooking? 

What would it feel like to slow dance while there is a candlelit dinner beside you?

What would it feel like to watch TV together while holding hands?

What would it feel if you’re being seen the way you want to be seen? 

What would it feel to be seen as the most beautiful person in the room? 

What would it feel to be chosen everyday?

What would it feel to be loved?

Because I felt like I never do. 

[theordinario]

Hopeless

I usually go to Tumblr if I’m not feeling well. I am these days. Tumblr is my escape. I have nowhere to go. It’s pandemic. It’s lockdown again. I do not know how to feel again. I felt numb for the longest time, I felt tired. I felt hopeless. 

I used to be hopeless romantic. I was romanticizing the night, the silence and escape to all the expectations of the world. I felt peace in those temporary times. It felt good being hopeless romantic, a constant surprise from someone. A sudden jump of serotonin. A crazy roller coaster ride with someone, until you realize all that fun was an illusion. It’s you, who only had fun. It’s you, who invested. It’s you, who cared so much. It’s you, who made a mistake of falling in love. It’s just you holding in this hopeless romanticism. It’s just you in this fight, nobody holding on and waiting for you to get tired. It’s just you believing you’re happy. You’re never happy, you’re just hopeless.     

[theordinario]

Wishes

When you were younger, the older said to look in the skies and wait for shooting stars. If you did see them, make a wish and it will come true. 

I’m an avid fan of the sky. I always look at the sky and look for shooting stars, but they never came. I never got the chance to close my eyes and wish until they were gone. I only see a moon along with her stars. 

When I got older, I realize that shooting stars are just stars and wishes are just glimpse of hope, a dream. I quit waiting for shooting stars to wish. Tonight, I look up to the sky and saw stars. I made a wish to be with you.    

[theordinario]

I do not know what these women are watching, why are they blocking my way?

Oh, these are pants of an office guys on a lunch break.

Please let me out.

[theordinario]

Give me a bottle of beer. I miss getting drunk. 

[theordinario]

I wish I can have someone like Alex Gonzaga's Mikee, Moira Dela Torres' Jason, Kz's Tj, Anne Curtis' Erwan and etc.

I wish to be inlove and felt be loved.

[theordinario]

I dreamed of a child. A child that was never related to me nor to someone I know, but I took care of her with all my heart and made sure the child never gets hurt. I was with her within the span of my dream. It was lovely.

[suspend]

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”

[theordinario]

Hindi matanggal sa isip ko ang ngiti mo, sana makita na ulit kita para maalala kong mayroon pa pala akong nararamdaman. 

[kulturkammer]

[theordinario]

Kailan muli?

[theordinario]

Pilit

Gusto ko nang sumuko magmahal ng mga maling taong pinadaraan ng tadhana. Paulit ulit lang silang nananakit, patuloy ko rin pinipilit huwag manliit. 

Hindi naman sila pare-parehas.

At daraan nanaman ang isang siklong aabot sa pananakit at luhang lumalabas lamang tuwing dis-oras ng gabi.

Baka ang susunod ay tama na.

Ngunit ilang siklo na ang dumaan at lahat sila ay humahantong sa iisang kuwento, bigo. Sa bandang dulo ikaw ang talo, talo dahil naunang umibig. Talo, dahil hindi kayang ibigin. 

Huwag ipilit.

Wari na lamang kalayaan, ang kapalit ng pagkakamaling umibig sa hindi makapanukli. Hanggang sa utak na ang nagdesisyon.

Tama na.

At pinipilit kong magalit sa mga lalaking ang kaya lamang gawin ay manakit.   Ano ma't ang sarili ko’y nabalot na ng poot. 

Pinilit ko naman ako’y iyong ibigin.

Ang pagpilit ay hindi kailanman magiging katumbas ng pagpapahalaga. Bandang dulo, ikaw’y wala nang ilalabas pa, at hindi pag-aaksayahan ng panahon na makasama.

Sino ka ba? Hindi hamak na ikaw ay ikaw.

At walang makakabago nito. Kung kaya’t mabubuhay ang inggit at ipaghambing ang sarili sa iba. 

Ang iba’y hindi ako, ang iba’y yaman habang ako’y nakakulong sa pagiging ako. 

Sana’y hindi nalang ako ang ako, para hindi ko rin ipinagpipilitan ang sarili kong mamalimos ng pagmamahal sa mga taong ayaw mamigay ng limos na pag-ibig.

Sana dumating ang panahon, pilitin ko mang magpatawad, hindi ko na magawa.