The smile grew a little wider on the engineer’s face, giving a small tilt of his head at the quiet comment. He was glad to see Theo had relaxed a bit from only moments ago. He hoped he had helped the man, even if it was in the smallest way. And it wasn’t just because Theo was his commander. He actually cared about the other man, cared that he was carrying such a burden all these years and wanted to help him lift it. Or at least make it easier to bear. Take it a day at a time. Eddie chuckled, “I’ll try and remember coffee for next time. I may be partial to the smuggled booze, but coffee actually sounds great right now.”
Theo had come to learn early on in working with Eddie that the man was more than just the ship’s engineer. He cared about the well-being of all the ship’s crew despite not being medical. He made himself available to others if they needed to talk or kick back and relax. He was a good guy. Not that the other members of the crew were unapproachable or anything. They all had to get along to some extent living as they were out there in space- in such closed quarters. They’d gotten to know each other in some ways. But Eddie was easy to get along with in any regard, it seemed. He did have a way of putting Teddy more at ease, and he had done just that. “Gonna need a pick-me-up today. I guess it’ll just depend on the timing and circumstances,” he added, also being partial to booze at the mention of it. However given the present hour, coffee was likely the better option. They had a day of work ahead of them after all.
The tension from the other was too evident, and Eddie knew he was pushing it. Knew that given Theo’s upbringing, Eddie’s actions had made him uneasy. And of course he didn’t mean to, he was out to comfort the Commander. And Theo knew that, visibly frustrated in himself for reacting the way he had. So Eddie dialed it back, reached out with his hand but only brushed his knuckles along Theo’s. It was only for a brief few seconds before he withdrew his hand. Instead of another recoil, Theo seemed more prepared, even thanked him. “Don’t mention it,” he replied with a shake of his head. But then he admitted he was just as lost, not sure where to go. And Eddie was still figuring that out for himself. But this was Theo, his Commander, he couldn’t leave him lost, too. He didn’t deserve that.
“I’m not sure, either,” he admitted, gaze downcast for a moment, “but somebody told me, a day at a time is sometimes all we can do.”
At least he wasn’t the only one who felt misplaced within the universe. He knew he belonged among the stars, being an astronaut was what he’d always dreamed of. But would that really be all there was to the life of Theodore Ripley? He truly hoped not. Theo scratched his head then rubbed the back of his neck, a small smile donning his face as he tipped his chin and gaze downward in a shy manner. Eddie echoed words he’d said to the man before. The commander then lifted his gaze to meet the other’s. “Smart somebody,” he said quietly, shaking his head somewhat in mild amusement. “If this is going to become a more regular thing, we’re going to need to bring coffee with us to these meetings,” he suggested with a brief chuckle.
Even now, despite working and making an effort to keep busy, Eddie still felt lost. There was still part of him that felt that void he had since losing Jason. Feeling that sense of loss even though he did his best to keep a smile on his face and crack jokes. Worry about other people so he wouldn’t have to deal with his own problems. But looking for a distraction wasn’t why he stood with Theo in that room so late at night, why he reached out to take his hand. Eddie let him recoil, knowing he crossed a line. He opened his mouth to apologize, but the words caught in his throat when Theo apologized first. He shook his head, “Don’t. You don’t need to apologize for anything. Here.” He reached his hand out again, but didn’t grasp for Theo’s hand just yet. He reached a little further, enough for his knuckles to brush lightly against the back of Theo’s hand. He may have crossed a line, but Eddie wanted Theo to know he was there for him. Wanted to comfort him with more than just words. “It’s okay. The station’s not going to blow up. Trust me.”
It had been a harmless enough gesture. One with good intentions even. Theo knew it, but that still hadn’t helped the automated response when vulnerable. It was basically programmed in him. He didn’t like having that reaction either, not when a friend was merely trying to comfort him. Teddy had practically invited it, hadn’t he? -In asking Eddie to come? He was attempting to reach out. He drew a sharp breath, allowing the other man the benefit of the doubt as he reached out. Theo bristled but didn’t recoil this time, more prepared. “Thank you, Eddie,” the Commander murmured quietly. It was a small step and he had far to go, but in a way it helped, knowing he had someone with similar experiences on his side. “I don’t really know what to do - where to go from here. This point, forward, in my life I mean.”
“Don’t be,” he replied, though he had no idea what Theo could have possibly been apologizing for. No one could help how they felt about something, no matter how hard they would try. And Eddie just hated seeing Theo like this, even if it was only the first time. So defeated, just at the end of his rope. And Eddie wanted to help any way he could. His expression softened as he looked up at the Commander, unable to resist leaving him alone through this. “You belong there,” he said softly. He reached a hand up– perhaps against his better judgment– and placed it over Theo’s. “May not feel like it, but you do.”
He felt lost, much like he himself had been adrift in space for years. Perhaps it was what he liked about looking at it when he couldn’t sleep. Like he felt some sort of sad kinship with his place amongst it all. He wasn’t much in the grand scheme of things. Nor had he even been much in his own life. He’d accomplished things, but he’d only been the world to a man he refused to love in return when it would have counted. Maybe if he’d had, he might have had a chance to heal some. But he’d lived with the remorse for so long he was convinced that it had become him; this was it for him. Theo shook his head in disbelief at Eddie’s attempted reassurance, freezing when the other man’s hand suddenly covered his own. Reflexively, he pulled back from the touch in an anxious display, and instantly felt guilty for the reaction, bringing his glossy blue gaze to Flynn’s uncertainly. "I'm sorry," he practically pleaded with him. "I shouldn't have burdened you like this."
Eddie shook his head, moving to stand in front of Theo. He had never seen Teddy this way before, but he didn’t let that deter him from trying to be there for him. He said he would be there for him and Eddie was going to live up to his word. Ranks aside, Eddie cared too much to stay quiet or leave Theo to work this out on his own. It had been twelve years he harbored all this, perhaps even more. “Think on what you just told me, Theo. From the sound of things, your dad was abusive, hitting you over who you loved? Who you are? Going through something like that changes anybody. Believe me, I know.” He looked up at Teddy, the urge to reach out to him only becoming stronger. But he thought against it, especially with their current discussion. “My dad wasn’t necessarily father of the year material either, and I hate to admit it, but the abuse changed me in some ways. Made me behave in ways I couldn’t explain, even when I was with Jason.” He swallowed a lump gathering in his throat before he added, “It’s not your fault, Theo. It’s not.”
Teddy had never allowed himself to be this way. Least of all in front of anyone else. But his emotional breakdowns were few and far between. He didn’t have the time for any proper decompression and if he did, he didn’t have the luxury of spiraling. Even now was highly dangerous - people counted on him. Which was why he’d nurse the bottle through the night but he wouldn’t go overboard. He knew better. He always knew better. With Eddie standing before him, Theo suddenly felt so small, smaller even amongst the vastness of space just beyond the window. He couldn’t look the man in the eye, but he listened. He listened intently, cemented in place, worrying his lower lip. He was silent for several moments after the other man had finished speaking. “I’m sorry, Eddie,” was all he could manage in a voice far smaller than intended, and he wasn’t even certain what he was apologizing for. A number of things, really. “Do you know why I’m out here again? I don’t belong anywhere back on Earth.”
Your old man’s not here. Eddie had gone through dealing with an abusive father. He was glad to have gotten out of the house as soon as he was old enough to be on his own. Never liked him since his mother passed away. And once he was out of there, Eddie had been free to do as he pleased, live the life that he wanted. But some kids weren’t as lucky. He frowned, wanting to step forward, at least place a hand on Theo’s shoulder. Run a hand over his back, something. Instead, he took a step toward the Commander and spoke in a low tone, “You just said your dad would beat you for saying what you just told me. No wonder you didn’t let him touch you… It’s not your fault Theo. Not when that comes in to it.”
In a way his old man was always there. The devil working the puppetry strings attached to Teddy. He could never get away. Not with the reputation his name harbored. The expectations for Teddy were high from birth. It was one of the demons that had followed him everywhere throughout his life, even chasing him all the way out there as well. But not matter what he’d accomplished, he’d never be good enough. “Of course it’s my fault,” Theo spat, clutching his sides more firmly. “It’s me that’s this way!” His voice held a whine nearly conducive to cracking as he spoke.
He watched Theo step away, looking out the window. It was what he said that had caught Eddie off guard. His own death? It wasn’t literal, obviously, but it definitely warranted an explanation. But would Theo be willing to talk? So far, he had been, but that was because of the alcohol most likely. “Your death?” he asked, giving a shake of his head, “What do you mean?” It wasn’t Eddie’s own curiosity that drove him to ask, but he was genuinely concerned for the Commander.
A sad smile settled on Theo’s face as he thought about it. His head was swimming a bit but his thoughts were plenty coherent. It was more his sub-conscious speaking while his guard was down, while he was trying to numb himself. “My father would beat - and probably disown me - for saying this,” he preceded his explanation with. “I’m fairly sure I loved him-” Theo exhaled a shaky breath, “-and I wouldn’t let him touch me, not sober. Never sober,” he murmured, ashamed, arms wrapping around himself for comfort and defense. He’d never admitted any of it aloud before.
Eddie loved space. It was something he was so fascinated by throughout his studies even though his real passion was engineering and technology. So NASA had been the perfect combination for him. His schooling brought him to Jason, and everything else was history. Jason was his soul mate. He loved that man more than he loved anyone in his life. And to have someone he had such a deep connection with be abruptly torn out of his life, and so suddenly? He never really knew how to cope. So alcohol became the solution, albeit not the best one. “Hey, hey,” he said softly, tilting his head to try and meet Theo’s gaze. “obviously your friend was very important to you. It’s okay to grieve. And yeah it’s been twelve years, it’s hard to move on when someone’s impacted your life so much.”
Teddy had had years to cope. In some ways he had. He had learned to deal with the loss of companionship in varying ways. What he hadn’t yet faced was the true nature of his feelings toward Noah. He hadn’t really faced his past either. He’d been the perfect son in every way except one - and it was something he’d never be able to fix. Theo scoffed bitterly, shaking his head to himself and he stepped away from the support he was leaning against. He took another drink, moving closer to the large viewing window and simultaneously putting some more distance between himself and Eddie. Though it wasn’t to deliberately get away from him, he just had to move. “I don’t mourn his death anymore. I mourn mine.”
Eddie indulged in alcohol plenty, especially after Jason had died. He always favored alcohol and would go to the bottle whenever that hollow feeling, that longing from missing Jason managed to creep back in. Of course while he was in the space station, there was no way for him to drink, so he was stuck to his own thoughts on the mission. Not that he didn’t trust anybody; perhaps mostly he didn’t trust himself. “Nothing I couldn’t step away from,” he replied. When Theo had mentioned what the occasion was for drinking, Eddie paused, his gaze meeting the other man’s. “Twelve years? Damn…” That was definitely a long time. A lot of years to reflect on missing someone. Eddie offered the bottle back to Theo. “Sounds like you need this more than I do.”
Being screened regularly meant toxicology screening and while he couldn’t get away with alcohol, he did skirt by with his pain pills due to his chronic diagnosis. He merely lied about the intensity of it so as to not be grounded from missions with NASA. He had already been honorably discharged and recognized for his service in the Air Force. NASA, however, was always Teddy’s goal though and he’d made it. He held Flynn’s gaze as he passed the bottle back, not nearly as timid and anxious as he’d been the other night - perhaps a bit drunk already from the loss of tolerance over time. Theo took another long pull, unabashed. “Twelve years and I haven’t moved on, I can’t-” He was upset with himself.
The whiskey bottle was definitely a red flag. It wasn’t a good night for Theo, just as the other night hadn’t been good for Eddie when they had spoken last. “No,” he replied, “I usually stay up pretty late, remember?” He walked over to take up the Commander on his silent offer of the bottle. Favoring the bottle himself, Eddie wasn’t one to pass on the offer of alcohol. Even if it was illegally snuck onto the station, but who was he going to rat to? Not that Flynn ever would; he wasn’t a taddle tale. “So what’s go you here drinking a smuggled bottle of whiskey in the middle of the night?” he asked before taking a swig himself.
Drinking was something he’d seldom really had the chance to indulge in to the point of alcoholism. But he could drink quite a lot if given the chance. Between the years of military and NASA, he had to remain mostly sober, even despite his injury. He’d abused painkillers more than booze. He had an easier time getting away with them due to the nature of his injury. Lasting nerve damage. Not enough to affect functionality or mobility, but chronic pain was the trade-off instead. “I meant in case you were working on something,” he clarified as he relinquished the drink and watched Eddie perhaps a bit too long. “Two days shy of the anniversary. It’ll be twelve years..” Theo still couldn’t believe it.
Eddie stepped out of his room as soon as Theo told him where he was. Not that there was much of a sense of urgency from his messages, but Eddie welcomed the request to meet up with Theo. He always liked being around people versus being left alone to his own thoughts. So when he arrived at the room with the view of Mars just out the windows, Eddie slowly stepped in. “Hey,” he greeted, figuring it was better than just walking in and startling the commander. “You wanted to see me?”
It was just days from the anniversary of his last day at war. Since the last time he’d seen Noah alive. He wasn’t a reclusive man - he’d not be commander of a NASA mission to Mars if he had been. However the month of May held more melancholy than other months and he did keep more to himself during that time. Especially the week of, which it presently was. When Eddie entered, Theo had just pulled a bottle of whiskey from his pocket and tipped it back for a drink before offering it to the other man. “I didn’t disturb you, did I?” He’d already been drinking for some time.
Theo was leaning back against one of the large supports gazing out the window at Mars. It was one of the best views on the station in the Commander's opinion. The computers were all powered down as they were not vital systems to run during down times like late evenings for instance. The room itself was running on low power, giving it a calmer feel overall - lit mostly by the atmosphere through the floor-to-ceiling windows standing before and behind him. He caught himself wondering had Noah survived, would he have made it there too?
Theo stood at the far end of the observation dome looking out into the vastness of space. It wasn't uncommon for him to do so at the late hour. He was often wandering the station during quiet moments. The rest of the crew were either asleep or winding down on their own it seemed. For some, the idea of being isolated in space was uncomfortable. Theo, however, carried loneliness with him like a companion that didn't much care where he was. Even still, space was somehow an escape for the man. He was literally the furthest he could possibly run.
Eddie liked being in the station. Had been looking forward to it for a long time. He was almost constantly working, checking on things with the ship and thinking of new ways to keep the computers running smoothly even though they were just fine. But he liked staying on the move. He didn't like when the station got quiet, when he had to be left to his own thoughts. So he often found himself wandering late at night, finding some nook to sit in and jot notes down, or sit near one of the windows just to look out at the vastness that was space. It was so fascinating for him. But even then his thoughts trailed back to home, to things he rather would avoid thinking about. He didn't realize Theo was up as well, but it wasn't much of a surprise to find the commander there. "Ripley," he greeted as he approached the round table. "Still feeling restless, too?"
Theo glanced over his shoulder when he heard footsteps echoing in the corridor leading to the room. The mission tech was often restless like himself, he'd found. They'd shared in several late-night conversations throughout the duration of their time spent in space. Some chats were of little consequence, trivial things. Others were mission or profession-related. Sometimes they just sat quietly. But then every once in a while there were more personal interactions. "Flynn," he replied before tearing his attention from the window to face the other man. "Some things never seem to change." His demons of course had followed him all the way out there. There was only escape from the daily pursuits of life on Earth. And only to some measure - for their lives continued on the station in varying ways. "It'll never be the same back on Earth after this," he commented, looking up through one of the windows above.
Eddie set the notebook in his hand down on the table, but didn't take his seat just yet. Of course he would have spoken to Theo with more respect for his title if anyone else was around, but since it was just them, Eddie settled for last names. "Some things," he agreed, elbows resting on the back rest of one of the chairs. They had a few late night conversations or even just sat in silence. The only things that were spoken to anyone else on the station were anything mission-related. More personal conversations were only kept between them. And Eddie liked it that way. He knew Theo did too. Eddie's gaze lingered briefly on the commander before he tilted his head back to look out the window as well. "No, it won't. Never really expected it to be."
Theo didn't want to go back. What more could he do with his life back on Earth? It seemed to him like much of life's endeavors would pale in comparison to life in space. But really, he was just apprehensive of the monotony of everyday life with his feet planted firmly on the ground. He'd always liked being above it, even as an Air Force pilot. But nothing beat the stars for him. His blue hues regarded the other male calmly, observing his movements and assessing his demeanor. "I don't know what I expected would come after." He hadn't the faintest idea. For the first time in his life, he didn't have a plan that far ahead. He was right where he'd always wanted to be, even if how he'd gotten there didn't go the way he had imagined. There was still a bittersweet feeling to it all. More bitter than he'd have liked.
Eddie didn't want to go back home either. There was nothing there for him other than bars to drink dry or liquor stores to buy more booze. Anything to drown out the hollow feeling in his chest he caught himself feeling in those quiet moments. His gaze dropped from the window, looking to Theo. Oddly enough, he could relate to his confession. "I don't know, either," he replied, "for some people it's easy to move on. Keep going day in and day out. But then there's some people that don't even know how.." Like me. "Best we can do is take it one day at a time, I guess."
Theo didn't have much family left back home, certainly not anyone he was very close with. He never made time for others. Sometimes he wondered if Noah had followed him of his own ambition, or if he just wanted to have more time that Theo refused to give. If he chose to believe the latter, then it meant he was all the more responsible for his death. Didn't it? The commander found himself avoiding Eddie's gaze. He did so whenever he felt some semblance of remorse for something. Eddie had discovered ways of getting to him that none of the others could. And he seemed to do so with ease, which usually put Teddy a bit on edge around him. "I don't think we have much choice otherwise."
Eddie had only heard about what happened to Jason. Wasn't even there when he was rushed to the hospital, and got there just as they were calling time of death. He didn't feel responsible for Jason's death, but there was so much left unsaid. So much Eddie wished he could have done differently. But there was no rewind button. He couldn't go back. Theo was right, they didn't have a choice but to keep going. Take one day at a time. "Guess not." His gaze dropped to the notebook on the table. "Still, easier said than done."
Theo learned to live day by day in the air force, but in turn also knew what it was like to have to live moment by moment in the thick of war. Sometimes he still felt like that was how he was living - moment by moment, decision by decision. Such was the life of mission commander. But also that of a war vet - one who had suffered both personal loss and injury. He wouldn't change any of his choices if he could do it over. This was the life he'd wanted. He might have done things differently with Noah though. He wasn't sure. He still couldn't really think about it without his stomach churning uncomfortably. "Well, it's not like we can walk away from this now." Theo pointed out with the slightest bit of humor, gesturing to being confined in space. "It has a way of making you face things more directly out here, I think." He grew more serious, arms folding across his chest. "It's like...I had hoped to leave certain things behind when I came on this mission, but it's all right here facing down this vast abyss along with me."
Eddie let out a laugh, giving a small nod in agreement. His head lifted to meet Theo's gaze, remaining silent while he explained. Being out in space had given the sense of leaving behind any troubles left on Earth, literally an escape until they had to go back. But being out in the station, on the mission, it did present the chance to face whatever problems they left behind. "Would it be weird to say I felt the same way?" he asked. "I mean, this is work. Keeps me distracted, gives me something to do. But then you have these down times and you've got no choice but to deal with those certain things. You can only go so far, after all."
Theo shook his head. "Not at all. We all have our own demons." The vastness of universe was deafening sometimes and all he could hear were his own thoughts when everything was still and quiet. Nothing else to make a sound. It was both eery and oddly comforting right before falling asleep. But that respite did not come without struggle, and was fleeting. For once he sunk into oblivion, his subconscious took over and haunted him with ghosts of his past. "And there's only so much you can do; you can only cope so well," he uttered, inadvertently admitting something of his own troubles and a lack of success in handling them himself.
"Think that goes for all of us, boss," he replied, standing up and pulling the chair he had been leaning on back from the table so he could take a seat. "You can only cope so well, and can hide it just as much." He leaned back in the chair. "Anything you want to talk about?" he offered. At the end of the day, people needed some sort of outlet, a way to vent what they'd been keeping pent up. Eddie was willing to lend an ear if Theo needed it.
"Mm," he hummed absently in agreement. The man's next remarks have him pause, cause a skeptical brow to raise. Had he really done such a poor job of hiding it? Or was Eddie just looking closely? Theo didn't move from his position. There wasn't something he particularly wanted to share. He didn't care to revisit many of the things that bothered him. He tried to be an island. He was the commander after all.
Theo paused, but that didn't avert Eddie's gaze. He only gave a light shrug of his shoulder, "You don't have to say anything if you don't want," he replied, "just thought I'd offer. Doesn't hurt to talk or vent once in a while." And it was late-- at least it felt late. Most of the others were either sleeping or working in other parts of the station. It was just the two of them, and Eddie knew how to keep his mouth shut. Ranking didn't matter to him in that moment; people were people.
Theo grew nervous under the other's scrutiny. Eddie was far more perceptive than Teddy had given him credit for but then observation was necessary for their profession and respective aerospace degrees. They had to be meticulous and detail-oriented. It was foolish of him to think he could hide everything from everyone - especially those he had to work and spend so much time with in closed-quarters. "It's not you I don't trust as much as myself."
Eddie nodded slowly. If anyone knew about being unable to trust themselves, it was Eddie. He was outgoing, didn't mind talking to other people and seemed pretty confident in himself. But when it came to talking about feelings and emotions? That was a very tense subject for him, too. And he could see it in the way Theo suddenly grew quiet, spoke less and less than how freely he talked with Eddie before. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot or anything," he said, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. "It's just... I've been there. Still am, I guess. It's not a good feeling to sit with, so I thought I'd at least let you know we can talk. If you want."
Theo finally shifted, albeit rigid in his stance, trying to appear more comfortable and less defensive than he actually was. "I'm sorry, Flynn. Just not accustomed to...sharing," the German-Irish commander murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. "Only what was required by my service." Even then he only said what was necessary. "The war messed me up." That was something he hadn't admitted to aloud before.
"It's all right. Sorry if I made you uneasy." It wasn't what he intended, but it was clear Theo was anything but comfortable. His hand dropped from his neck to rest his arm on the table top, gaze falling to his notebook and all the notes scribbled on the open page. "Being in a war would mess anybody up."
It was no secret that Theo had seen battle. During the candidacy programs they'd all shared the same locker room, and the showers were minimally divided just enough to cover the important parts really. There wasn't much privacy in space. Everything was fairly closed-quarters. The space station at least was somewhat spacious. But the ship and mars habitat were each more cramped. Everyone had seen his scars a number of times, but not without a heap of self-conscious discomfort put upon Teddy himself . He could hear whispers sometimes. "You were only trying to be supportive, no need to feel sorry for that." Gradually, Theo pried his arms apart and moved to sit on the edge of the chair opposite the tech engineer. "If there's anything you'd like to talk about, however, by all means. Though I'm afraid I might not be of much help to you." He'd try if there was something he could do though.
Eddie had heard some of the whispers about Theo's scars. Had even seen them himself. But he never participated in the gossip and murmurs, never obliged the small talk. Everyone had their scars, their demons to bear. No reason to draw more attention to them when they already had to find ways to cope with them. Eddie's fingers picked at the corner of the notebook. "Can't say I'm the best at sharing, either," he explained. "Guess I should practice what I preach, right?" Eddie gave a small chuckle, the smile only visible for a short moment. "Usually I just turn to a bottle of booze instead of talking."
Theo still experienced pain throughout the expanse of his scarring. Damage to the nerves from chemical burns via grenade, obviously with a toxic component. Chemical warfare. He never kept track of who he caught staring or whispering behind his back. He didn't much care that they talked. He only disliked the reminder. The way people looked at him or regarded him after having just seen them. No matter how many times it remained the same look. "Fair enough. Can't say I haven't done the same myself." They shared some common ground and the more pieces he fit together, the more he saw a picture developing similar to his own: made up of tragedy. "What do you do out here?" He asked uncharacteristically, letting down his guard somewhat.
"I work," he replied simply. "Keep myself distracted. Anything to keep my mind off of... all that." He didn't even know how to describe it. Or he just didn't want to acknowledge the grief he tried to avoid. Yet Eddie was sharing more with the commander than he would have with anyone else. What that meant, he wasn't sure. Maybe it was something to do with trust? Maybe he felt Theo could relate? "I jot down notes, make up projects for myself. Anything to keep going."
Theo nodded. Work was all he'd known, really. It was largely why he hadn't even begun to address some of the things that cropped up from time to time. Like the things that sometimes caused his stomach to churn in Eddie's presence. Teddy couldn't help it, though he tried. He chortled, having should have known what the man would say given that he was normally busy withsomething. "Suppose I should find some personal projects to occupy the late-night downtime." He could potentially go through telemetry reports and update some sequences for future operation. He could also tweak some current procedures and evasive maneuvers. They were always monitoring and adjusting for atmospheric changes and things floating in the vast universe. "Sometimes," he sighed, "sometimes the work isn't enough for me though.." The commander chewed his lip.
"Sometimes it isn't for me, either," he admitted, "otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation." Eddie offered the commander a small smile before his gaze dropped to the notebook again. Had work been enough to keep his mind occupied, Eddie would have been doing said work. Yet he would find himself thinking about Jason, the what ifs and the past. Their last conversation; not much of a conversation, more of an argument... Even thinking about Theo, catching himself staring at his commander longer than he meant to, realizing that his bright eyes reminded Eddie of Jason-- Eddie's jaw clenched, gulping down a lump that gathered in his throat. "Guess we're both sort of stuck, huh..."
Theo didn't respond to the statement, but it resonated with him. It was always easier to focus on others' issues than your own it seemed. The commander often busied himself with his crew and assisting with their work any way he could. Luckily he was knowledge in many things, and also experienced from previous missions. Despite his military background, he wasn't a total hard-ass although he could be intimidating when displeased. Overall, he was firm but fair and generally approachable. The late hour revealed more of what he kept to himself during the waking hours. "Perhaps we should have thought about it before coming all the way out here," he chuckled, folding his hands together in his lap casually. Visibly relaxing somewhat. "I did everything I was supposed to, to get here. But it still didn't turn out right."
"Guess so." He chuckled with Theo, also seeming to relax. Perhaps his reason for being as open as he was with Theo was because of how approachable and fair the commander was, despite his reputation and military background. Eddie admired that in a leader. Didn't let their rank get to their head. Not that he couldn't speak with or get along as well with the others; Theo was also just more relatable to him. Dark brown eyes lifted from the table top to meet Theo's gaze. "What was 'right'?" he asked, then paused upon realizing how invasive the question was. "Sorry, nevermind."
Theo gave Eddie a small grin as they chuckled, the tension in the air appearing to dissipate ever so slightly. Teddy had bonded with each crew member in different ways. Some he was more casual with, others he had a better working relationship with. Flynn was one of very few he both worked well with closely and related to on a more casual and personal level as well. They seemed to each talk with one another more than the others. The commander shook his head and waved a hand toward the other man, "No, it's alright. I sort of invited the intrusion now, didn't I?" Again he gave the other a smile but it wasn't very convincing. "Right would have been actually saving my best friend in the blast that gave me those scars on my back," he said, gaze fixed on Flynn's notebook upon the table rather than the man himself.
Eddie didn't expect Theo to give him an answer, especially after his response to the remote suggestion of even talking about whatever bothered him. So he was a bit surprised to hear what his commander had been keeping buried all this time. Being unable to save his friend and having those scars on his back as a constant reminder. "I'm sorry about your friend." He gave a small shake of his head, "Couldn't imagine having to go through something like that.." It was one thing losing someone you cared about, it was another thing actually being there.
Theo didn't expect to actually share much of anything. at least that night. He rarely did after all. But in thinking of Noah, he'd begun to feel more and more as if he'd wronged him. Not only in life but also in death. So perhaps that prompted his sudden reveal. A way for his sub-conscious to reach out where Teddy himself was too stubborn and fearful to seek any sort of help or comfort in another. "It was quite a long time ago now," he murmured, recalling much of the events as if they'd only just happened. They occurred too often to fade from memory like other things had.
“Long time ago or not, it's still tough to cope," he pointed out. That was enough to reveal that maybe he could imagine what Teddy was going through. Eddie shifted a bit in his seat, torn between speaking up or keeping his mouth shut. "My boyfriend died almost two years ago. Last time we talked, we got in a fight. Before I could say I was sorry, he died in a car accident." He gave a shake of his head, mostly at himself, while he leaned back in his seat. That time he didn't meet Theo's gaze.
Theo merely swallowed and said nothing, the silence serving to confirm Flynn's statement. The man's sudden shifting didn't go unnoticed by the commander, his blue gaze carefully taking him in as he shared something deeply personal and tragic in return. "I'm sorry, Eddie.." He didn't know what to do, this was out of his depth. He had more in common with the man than he realized and as he looked at him, he saw him through different eyes: he was just as broken as he.
Eddie gave a small nod, because it was all he could do to acknowledge the condolences. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it, but he just never really knew how to handle this whole grieving process. Not very well, anyway. At least for himself. "I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, I guess. Thought maybe the less I talked about it, the less it hurt. Hasn't been working out that well, honestly."
Theo knew it didn't help, as it hadn't helped him with Noah either. But he could also relate. He could never really acknowledge the condolences himself. "I know what you mean.." Teddy responded quietly. It felt strange to hear himself talking about it - especially voluntarily - after having ignored it for so long. The dome seemed far smaller now than it had before, air thick with tension once again. It unsettled him somewhat.
Eddie should have known it didn't work. He had gone this long not talking about Jason, hoping it would have helped him move on, but it was only making things worse. Working through the pain was only a distraction, nothing more, and Eddie knew it. But he still gave into the delusion. It was strange for him to talk about it, too, especially after so long. "Working's a temporary distraction. But when we get back..." he shook his head. What would happen then?
To Theo, everything seemed temporary. He'd lived a life without roots for so long he didn't have a place he called home. He had only had Noah. His friend had said that when they'd finish their service, as a way to celebrate and take some time off, he'd buy a globe and spin it and - without looking - Theo would pick a spot and that's where they'd go. That's where they'd start at least. It never happened though. He just dove straight into NASA after recovering. He stood, the air becoming stifling, and went to leave the little observatory. He stopped beside Flynn to place a hand on the man's shoulder, "a day at a time is sometimes all we can do," he said then removed his hand, unsure what else to say or do.
Eddie only lifted his gaze when the commander stood from his spot. He didn't blame him for wanting to step away; the conversation left the air in the room pretty heavy. On top of it all they were both going through losing someone they cared about. Eddie turned his head toward Theo, his gaze dropping to the hand on his shoulder. A light tingling spread from the touch through his body and Eddie felt a little more reassured at the other man's words. Even if it wasn't much, it did mean quite a bit to him. "Yeah," he agreed, "guess it is... um, sort of helps, too, just having someone to listen, even if I'm just rambling. So... thanks, Ripley."
Theo felt the need to escape. Not so much from Eddie as what was discussed. But as was established, it didn't matter where he went. Still the need to be alone suddenly overcame him. He was fairly certain he wouldn't be sleeping that night, but his quarters would be the space most comfortable for him to occupy for the remainder of the night. He lingered beside the other man longer than he intended, mulling over his words. "Any time you need someone to ramble to, Flynn, you can come find me." And with that he bid him good night.
